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Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread


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1 hour ago, StefanAVFC said:

It was the wedding last weekend. Everything was behind us regarding the above, I was over it. Met the best man the night before the wedding, really nice guy. Was really looking forward to celebrating the biggest day of my one of my best mate's life. 

Church everything good, get to the venue and me and my mrs are with our mutual friend with a load of the bride's friends, furthest away from the top table. I'm planning a wedding, i know how hard it is to plan tables. But we were very much the leftover table.

The overall wedding, the first time he comes to me at the party is 2:30 am.  He doesn't say a word to my partner. I thought that as (I thought) close friends, we'd share a drink toasting his future and his wedding, but he never came over. Even this one meeting was just 15 seconds as he was saying goodbye to other guests. I said something like 'nice to see you mate' and he said something about not wanting to leave his parents alone. Both his sisters were there, and our table was next to the bar where he spent easily 30 mins doing shots with other guests. Also it wasn't a huge wedding, about 65 people. 

I obviously know that weddings are 100% about the bride and groom, and they're busy, it's obviously not about me and can't spent tonnes of time with every guest but it's incredibly sad to go from apparent best man material to totally ignored. I mean 1 minute minute have a toast with one of my best mates at his wedding. That would have been enough. 

He is the reason I moved to Poland, I hold a lot of sentiment in this friendship but clearly something isn't right, and that's okay. Friendships fizzle out. Just very depressing to have it apparently ended in such a circumstance. 

That’s sad man, and you’ve got every right to be annoyed. I’d speak to him and tell him how it’s made you feel, there’s a chance he might have been oblivious to it and be gutted that he left you out like that. If not, then at least you know where you stand. 

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22 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

Nope. Im not sure what there is to say. It was his wedding, he has every right to do what he wants with whoever. 

I don't want to be dramatic or problematic. 

I might sound glib, but he definitely didn’t read your post from a couple of years ago did he? Not that anything you wrote was wrong, but you know how people get.

More from secondary, anecdotal evidence rather than my own first hand experience, I have the impression it’s not uncommon for friends to essentially stop being matey once they’ve got married (or had a kid). 

And I don’t mean it in the sense that “Oh his missus never lets him out...”. I mean the number of times I hear people tell me that since they’ve got married or one of their friends have got married, they pretty much changed completely and never saw them again. Like the wedding somehow acted as a full stop to the friendship.

 

If it was me, I’d give him a month or so, then drop him a text, ask how married life’s treating him and his wife and ask him if he fancies going for a beer. See if/how he responds and go from there. It sounds like you’re resigned to the friendship essentially ending, so if you give him a chance but anticipate and brace yourself for receiving an unenthusiastic response, you can at least know that you tried.

For what it’s worth (and I acknowledge it’s easy for me to say this and if I was in the same position and receiving the same advice I wouldn’t want to hear it) but I think if he HAS checked out of the friendship, then move on. He was a good mate, he’s not anymore.

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2 minutes ago, Genie said:

It’s like every wedding I’ve ever been to. The couple spend months and months, and a shit load of money on a “special” day. 
Then the guests moan about the food, or waiting, or the price of the drinks, or the distance between the church and the reception, or that they didn’t get good seats or time with the couple (not a dig at you @StefanAVFC, just something that seems to come up a lot).

It’s why we got married abroad with only close family invited. 

I guarantee you’ll bust your balls trying to make everyone happy at your wedding and behind your back they’ll find things to moan about.

I have this thought too but on the other hand, if he'd taken 1 minute out of the 30 or more he was 5m from me drinking with everyone else, I wouldn't have written this post. 

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1 minute ago, StefanAVFC said:

I have this thought too but on the other hand, if he'd taken 1 minute out of the 30 or more he was 5m from me drinking with everyone else, I wouldn't have written this post. 

Maybe something in it, a friend of a friend might have said something and it’s taken out of context and he’s being a bit off with you. 
Could just ask him how it’s going and that you were a bit gutted he didn’t have more time to catch up. Opens the door for him if he wants to get something off his chest.

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5 minutes ago, Mark Albrighton said:

I might sound glib, but he definitely didn’t read your post from a couple of years ago did he? Not that anything you wrote was wrong, but you know how people get.

If it was me, I’d give him a month or so, then drop him a text, ask how married life’s treating him and his wife and ask him if he fancies going for a beer. 

For what it’s worth (and I acknowledge it’s easy for me to say this and if I was in the same position and receiving the same advice I wouldn’t want to hear it) but I think if he HAS checked out of the friendship, then move on. He was a good mate, he’s not anymore.

Could have happened. He's not on here but he knows I am and he's a villa fan.

2nd para, we talk regularly as a group on WhatsApp. I moved 200km away around 2 years ago and since then there's been no drive from his side to meet up. Last time we met, I was the one pushing it and even got an air bnb for everyone to hang out even though he has a house with many spare rooms. I just get the feeling this friendship was convenient because we were young lads both living in a different country and now we're both settled and I have a huge sentiment for him due to my moving here but without me his life would go the same. 

3rd para, it's my stag next month and he's invited and then my wedding in September. After that, I won't be the one reaching out anymore and we'll see whether he makes any effort. 

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5 minutes ago, Genie said:


Could just ask him how it’s going and that you were a bit gutted he didn’t have more time to catch up. Opens the door for him if he wants to get something off his chest.

He's the kind of bloke that says 'talking about feeling is what girls do'

I don't want to come across as a drama queen. 

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5 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

Could have happened. He's not on here but he knows I am and he's a villa fan.

2nd para, we talk regularly as a group on WhatsApp. I moved 200km away around 2 years ago and since then there's been no drive from his side to meet up. Last time we met, I was the one pushing it and even got an air bnb for everyone to hang out even though he has a house with many spare rooms. I just get the feeling this friendship was convenient because we were young lads both living in a different country and now we're both settled and I have a huge sentiment for him due to my moving here but without me his life would go the same. 

3rd para, it's my stag next month and he's invited and then my wedding in September. After that, I won't be the one reaching out anymore and we'll see whether he makes any effort. 

It sounds like you’ve got a handle on the (likely) way things look like they’ll pan out anyway, which is positive. 

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22 hours ago, StefanAVFC said:

He's the kind of bloke that says 'talking about feeling is what girls do'

I don't want to come across as a drama queen. 

My best man turned down my request to be my best man as he wasnt good with public speaking. Regardless, this was my mate since 5 years old. He introduced me to my now wife. We were like brothers. Then about 10 years ago we drifted. He was always cancelling plans, he was always a bullshitter but it went up a notch. I weighed it up and decided it was time to cut him free. I haven’t missed him. 

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I think sometimes friendships just cease to be. No reason for it, but circumstances change and people drift. 

Funnily enough I was thinking about a good mate I used to have. Or still have? I'm not sure. Is he still a mate? I've not really spoken to him in 5 or 6 years but for a 7 or 8 year spell in the early 2000's, we we were best buddies. We met when we were both temping at the same place. Connected straight away and we were best pals in a matter of weeks. similar age and outlook on life. We were always out boozing and getting into scrapes and chatting up women in bars/clubs. We went to Amsterdam a few times, Krakow, Berlin, Prague, Thailand, and others and had some memorable times. I'd be at his house most weekends. He rented with his brother and another lad, while I still lived at home with my parents. It was like Men Behaving Badly! I think we spent about 7 NYE's together... house parties, clubs, superclubs etc. We'd always meet up after work in Brum (we'd both moved into permanent jobs at different places then but both based in the city centre) and drink until closing time. Loving life at the time, as you do in your 20's

After we got back from Thailand in around 2008, he met a woman on a night out and went serious with her. She was lovely we got on fine but the friendship started to slip then. He was doing couple's stuff and doing dinner parties with her coupled up friends. We'd still meet up every now and again but less and less over a number of years. I went on his stag a couple of years later - had a great night and went to the wedding shortly after. I wasn't best man... he chose someone else, who was part of his new friend circle. It didn't bother me as we'd drifted by that point. Since the wedding I haven't seen him. We chatted a lot on the day of the wedding and the party afterwards but I remember thinking at the time it was probably the end of an era for our friendship. I know he's had at least one kid since but we've not messaged in years. Not even at Christmas. 

He's still in my phonebook and he was active on Whatsapp 10 mins ago so its the right number still. Do I message him? What do I say? Our lives are different now. Maybe the past is best left there. 

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I think we all have our own story of past mates. Mine follows yours @Xela, best pal since we were in our 20's got to late 30's and we both have Mrs, but he was always the player even while with his Mrs. She as good as stopped him seeing me as when he used to get found out with another girl, (never slept with any mind), he used to blame me and say I was the bad influence, even though it was the other way around. I was with a great girl at the time, so would never stray, but he always wanted to go up town on his nights off the Mrs, roll in 1500 in the morning and say, "he kept me out again". Very annoying. Hardly see him now he's married with a couple of kids. His Mrs is a teacher, so he likes to hang about with the "well off" groups, thinking he's one of the rich boys.

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A common theme in this is a lack of effort, anxiety of how you'll come across if you say something etc.

@Xela - if you are bothered about him, and just want to see how he's doing just message him - what's the worst that could happen?  He'd ignore it?  Nothing gained, nothing lost - but you'll have still lived through those cool times.  If he replies then that's great too - hope you can have a good chat and catch up.

The only constant in this life is change - people come and go, even if some of those people are long time friends/buddies.  Lives and commitments change A LOT when you get your partners and even more when you have kids.

I feel like a lousy friend sometimes for not organising things with my friends, but I've got 2 kids under 7, Monday is swimming, Tuesday I play football, Wednesday is a free night, Thursday is beavers for my 6 year old and Friday is cricket, Saturday morning is football - it's mental, honestly. 

It takes me weeks to plan something and I'll maybe have a proper "friends" night out once or twice a year.. It feels

I love my friends and I LOVE seeing them, but I've got two other little friends to play with now :) and they've got to come first.

I'm sure if you reach out to him, that'll be a nice thing for him, as much as it'll be as nice for you.

Don't worry! :thumb: 

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I don't think I have ever once text my girlfriend how's it going at work or how her day has been and it not be an absolute rant or misery.

Gets you down man.

Just lie once in a while. "Good."

Even a "not bad."

 

 

I don't think I'll ask anymore.

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9 minutes ago, rodders0223 said:

I don't think I have ever once text my girlfriend how's it going at work or how her day has been and it not be an absolute rant or misery.

Gets you down man.

Just lie once in a while. "Good."

Even a "not bad."

 

 

I don't think I'll ask anymore.

For your own good, you absolutely must, even if I sympathise completely. 

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I’m having friendship dilemmas at the moment and have been for a bit now. Will explain more later on when I get more time. There’s 3 friendships that have been playing on my mind recently. I’ve kind of sorted two of them by deleting their numbers but the other one I just don’t know what to do. It’s nothing major but it all just seems hard work and to be honest I can’t be ***** arsed .

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47 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said:

I’m having friendship dilemmas at the moment and have been for a bit now. Will explain more later on when I get more time. There’s 3 friendships that have been playing on my mind recently. I’ve kind of sorted two of them by deleting their numbers but the other one I just don’t know what to do. It’s nothing major but it all just seems hard work and to be honest I can’t be ***** arsed .

You can’t delete Henry’s number 😪

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1 hour ago, Rugeley Villa said:

I’m having friendship dilemmas at the moment and have been for a bit now. Will explain more later on when I get more time. There’s 3 friendships that have been playing on my mind recently. I’ve kind of sorted two of them by deleting their numbers but the other one I just don’t know what to do. It’s nothing major but it all just seems hard work and to be honest I can’t be ***** arsed .

I’ve had no friends since 2013.

only just really started talking to other chaps, and that’s Dads from school. 

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7 minutes ago, Dante_Lockhart said:

I’ve had no friends since 2013.

only just really started talking to other chaps, and that’s Dads from school. 

I’ve always had that lone wolf streak in me from an early age, so I could quite easily not hear off anyone for a very long time and not be fussed by it. Work, wife and kids easily keep me occupied. 

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I lost touch with most of my mates a long time ago. There’s 2 that I’d go to the pub with (rarely). Unfortunately one had a heart attack a couple of months ago and the other has a little girl fighting cancer, so obviously won’t be going out on the lash with me anytime soon.

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2 hours ago, rodders0223 said:

I don't think I have ever once text my girlfriend how's it going at work or how her day has been and it not be an absolute rant or misery.

Gets you down man.

Just lie once in a while. "Good."

Even a "not bad."

 

 

I don't think I'll ask anymore.

🥰😘🤗

Use nothing else. Just use one, go mad and use all three, even mix up the order. Simples.

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