Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[kurtsimonw]

I think some people aren't cut out for certain things. My last few jobs have involved speaking in front of people, so it's something I've been doing close to a decade. But it isn't any easier, it's just not part of my makeup. That was just for work too, which to me doesn't matter, whereas this matters. Fortunately both my friend and his wife-to-be have said a speech isn't necessary if I don't feel comfortable. 

[mjmooney]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

I think some people aren't cut out for certain things. My last few jobs have involved speaking in front of people, so it's something I've been doing close to a decade. But it isn't any easier, it's just not part of my makeup.

That's an interesting comment. I've always told people that once you've done it a few times the nerves disappear. Maybe I'm wrong. Personally, I quite enjoy it, even if I'm having to wing it.

[Genie]

3 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

I think some people aren't cut out for certain things. My last few jobs have involved speaking in front of people, so it's something I've been doing close to a decade. But it isn't any easier, it's just not part of my makeup. That was just for work too, which to me doesn't matter, whereas this matters. Fortunately both my friend and his wife-to-be have said a speech isn't necessary if I don't feel comfortable. 

I used to be terified talking in senior meetings at work, now it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

On the "speech" thing I'd suggest going for a toast instead. It could in effect be a super short speech, 3 or 4 lines, nobody expecting gags. Just say what a fantastic couple they are and then a toast. Box ticked.

Edited August 27, 2019 by Genie

[A'Villan]

1 hour ago, mjmooney said:

That's an interesting comment. I've always told people that once you've done it a few times the nerves disappear. Maybe I'm wrong. Personally, I quite enjoy it, even if I'm having to wing it.

When you say wing it..?

Are you talking about a scenario where you are confident and competent enough on the subject matter to improvise in the moment and for your delivery to flow freely?

That I can understand, and I'm of the thought, that most people can develop the confidence to at least convey their message and capture interest just with relevant knowledge.

It's when there's little concept for what should be said to the audience or even just poor concentration due to a distraction of some sorts that things can get uncomfortable.

 

 

[mjmooney]

2 hours ago, A'Villan said:

When you say wing it..?

Are you talking about a scenario where you are confident and competent enough on the subject matter to improvise in the moment and for your delivery to flow freely?

Oh, sure. You have to have  SOME idea about what you're going to say. But some people really seem to need every word, either written to be read out, or memorised in full. I'm a 'bullet points' guy (and they may be in my head, rather than on paper). If you have to interact with your audience (sensible questions or hecklers), that's another skill entirely. Incidentally, I'm not claiming to be especially good at all this, just that I'm not fazed by having to do it.

[rjw63]

Come on lads, quit with the wedding stuff.

hasn't there been any real relationship shit going on?

Really awkward dates? Reconnecting with schooldays crush? Or even a bit of first date DHUTWU??

Edited August 27, 2019 by rjw63
shpeelyng

[wazzap24]

I always enjoy the sense of anticipation I get when looking at this thread and seeing that  @rjw63 has the last post. 

I agree with him, it’s becoming like the boring thread in here, haven’t you undateable’s got some awful dating stories we can laugh a...I mean help with? 

 

[lapal_fan]

21 minutes ago, rjw63 said:

Come on lads, quit with the wedding stuff.

hasn't there been any real relationship shit going on?

Really awkward dates? Reconnecting with schooldays crush? Or even a bit of first date DHUTWU??

I've never so felt so connected with my wife, do you know what I mean? 

[A'Villan]

33 minutes ago, rjw63 said:

Come on lads, quit with the wedding stuff.

hasn't there been any real relationship shit going on?

Really awkward dates? Reconnecting with schooldays crush? Or even a bit of first date DHUTWU??

After about 5 years of no contact I'm going to have a meal and a beer with a former best friend.

The police got involved on three occasions in the lead up to us going separate ways.

This former friend openly bragged about and tried his best to humiliate me after he f*cked my girlfriend of just about a decade.

So needless to say things got a little uncomfortable between us.

So not sure it's the kind of awkward date you were looking for but it's what you've got to work with until someone else pipes up.

[wazzap24]

6 minutes ago, A'Villan said:

After about 5 years of no contact I'm going to have a meal and a beer with a former best friend.

The police got involved on three occasions in the lead up to us going separate ways.

This former friend openly bragged about and tried his best to humiliate me after he f*cked my girlfriend of just about a decade.

So needless to say things got a little uncomfortable between us.

So not sure it's the kind of awkward date you were looking for but it's what you've got to work with until someone else pipes up.

Calling @rjw63 to the relationship thread, that’s @rjw63 to the relationship thread. 

We have an urgent requirement for a DHUTWU 

[jackbauer24]

1 hour ago, A'Villan said:

After about 5 years of no contact I'm going to have a meal and a beer with a former best friend.

The police got involved on three occasions in the lead up to us going separate ways.

This former friend openly bragged about and tried his best to humiliate me after he f*cked my girlfriend of just about a decade.

So needless to say things got a little uncomfortable between us.

So not sure it's the kind of awkward date you were looking for but it's what you've got to work with until someone else pipes up.

What?! Why the hell would you meet up for a drink with this guy?!

Jeez, I've stopped talking to people if they've beaten me at snooker before, never mind all that above

[A'Villan]

15 minutes ago, jackbauer24 said:

What?! Why the hell would you meet up for a drink with this guy?!

Jeez, I've stopped talking to people if they've beaten me at snooker before, never mind all that above

I reached out to him a few weeks back and apologised for my part in things getting ugly. I told him we had a lot of good memories and that I wished him well I left it there.

His response was that the apology was accepted and that he too was sorry for the way he behaved and dealt with things, that it was his own issues that caused such behavior.

He went on to congratulate me on my basketball efforts, highlighted that it's great we both are figuring things out and that he'd love to catch up.

I didn't respond initially, and in my mind I thought let's just walk away amicably. I then thanked him for his message but made no effort to accept his wish to meet in person.

I really don't hold a grudge, I don't see who or what it serves, but this guy went so far out of his way to 'cause me emotional unrest, you actually wouldn't believe me. So I'm wary..

I'm a good friend, if I can say that about myself, I don't lead people astray deliberately and in this case all I wanted was the truth so I could move on.

What I got was lies and games and if I'm honest cold hearted and callous attempts to belittle me, at a time when I had placed trust and faith in others integrity.

Whatever.. long, long story short I know this guy has been into a psych ward since we fell out and I get the vibe he could use a friend.

Now that's not going to be me this time around, there will be no reuniting of old friendships here. But I want him to see that I wish him well, despite his abusive mistakes.

And if I can elicit the understanding that the way he went about himself was totally unacceptable, but that I wish him something better than that toxic bullshit.

Well, hopefully he see the light and no one else has to endure what I did as a consequence of his behaviour, maybe even some healthy relationships are down the road for him.

[mottaloo]

@A'Villan......reading your posts over the last few months, you strike me as a decent bloke who admits he has/had his demons but is earnest in his efforts to better himself and support those around him.

However, i agree with @jackbauer24....why would you want to even associate with this bloke ?! Sleeping with your girlfriend is bad enough but to humiliate you about it is appalling. 

Yeah, it sounds like he has his issues but as I've got older perhaps I've got more selfish but I've learnt that it's not down to me to fix everyone's problems and I'm no longer going to apologise for everything being my fault.

I'm not having a dig at you. In a way, i guess i admire you. Good luck anyway. 

Edited August 27, 2019 by mottaloo

[rjw63]

2 hours ago, A'Villan said:

After about 5 years of no contact I'm going to have a meal and a beer with a former best friend.

The police got involved on three occasions in the lead up to us going separate ways.

This former friend openly bragged about and tried his best to humiliate me after he f*cked my girlfriend of just about a decade.

So needless to say things got a little uncomfortable between us.

So not sure it's the kind of awkward date you were looking for but it's what you've got to work with until someone else pipes up.

Smash him in the gob with a crowbar, then DHUTWU with Rugeley's cucumber

[wazzap24]

47 minutes ago, rjw63 said:

Smash him in the gob with a crowbar, then DHUTWU with Rugeley's cucumber

Not all heroes wear capes 

[MaVilla]

3 hours ago, A'Villan said:

After about 5 years of no contact I'm going to have a meal and a beer with a former best friend.

The police got involved on three occasions in the lead up to us going separate ways.

This former friend openly bragged about and tried his best to humiliate me after he f*cked my girlfriend of just about a decade.

So needless to say things got a little uncomfortable between us.

So not sure it's the kind of awkward date you were looking for but it's what you've got to work with until someone else pipes up.

to be honest, any "friend" who sleeps with your long term partner behind your back is someone who had/has literally zero respect for you, i wouldnt call that a friend, no true friend would do that to you.

Add to that trying to humiliate you for it?, guy sounds like a pr**k tbh, steer well clear.

 

 

[jackbauer24]

1 hour ago, A'Villan said:

I reached out to him a few weeks back and apologised for my part in things getting ugly. I told him we had a lot of good memories and that I wished him well I left it there.

His response was that the apology was accepted and that he too was sorry for the way he behaved and dealt with things, that it was his own issues that caused such behavior.

He went on to congratulate me on my basketball efforts, highlighted that it's great we both are figuring things out and that he'd love to catch up.

I didn't respond initially, and in my mind I thought let's just walk away amicably. I then thanked him for his message but made no effort to accept his wish to meet in person.

I really don't hold a grudge, I don't see who or what it serves, but this guy went so far out of his way to 'cause me emotional unrest, you actually wouldn't believe me. So I'm wary..

I'm a good friend, if I can say that about myself, I don't lead people astray deliberately and in this case all I wanted was the truth so I could move on.

What I got was lies and games and if I'm honest cold hearted and callous attempts to belittle me, at a time when I had placed trust and faith in others integrity.

Whatever.. long, long story short I know this guy has been into a psych ward since we fell out and I get the vibe he could use a friend.

Now that's not going to be me this time around, there will be no reuniting of old friendships here. But I want him to see that I wish him well, despite his abusive mistakes.

And if I can elicit the understanding that the way he went about himself was totally unacceptable, but that I wish him something better than that toxic bullshit.

Well, hopefully he see the light and no one else has to endure what I did as a consequence of his behaviour, maybe even some healthy relationships are down the road for him.

I get not holding a grudge, I get letting things go and I get trying to get closure. But you've done all this in a message - you're obviously a more adjusted person than I am as I couldn't do it - but there is still zero reason to see him in person.

He might be a changed man, have recovered from all his demons etc etc but he's not family and he's not a past lover (?!) so he's burnt that bridge completely with you. No, even in your replies I can see you're still raw from it, do not open that can of worms an inch more. Let someone else be this guys friend!

[A'Villan]

1 hour ago, mottaloo said:

@A'Villan......reading your posts over the last few months, you strike me as a decent bloke who admits he has/had his demons but is earnest in his efforts to better himself and support those around him.

However, i agree with @jackbauer24....why would you want to even associate with this bloke ?! Sleeping with your girlfriend is bad enough but to humiliate you about it is appalling. 

Yeah, it sounds like he has his issues but as I've got older perhaps I've got more selfish but I've learnt that it's not down to me to fix everyone's problems and I'm no longer going to apologise for everything being my fault.

I'm not having a dig at you. In a way, i guess i admire you. Good luck anyway. 

Thanks @mottaloo that's both kind and sensible of you to say. I don't really want to associate with him. His actions were appalling.

Believe me, I don't think myself responsible for fixing his problems, that is well beyond my skill or interest.

Just like I hold no grudge, I certainly do not lament our friendship ending either. It's not selfish to protect yourself from toxic behavior that will bring you down.

I will go into any meeting with strict boundaries. Being that if it's not positive, or pleasant, or productive, I'm out and on my way and our paths will not cross again.

I guess it's a complicated and long story but I will afford him one last meeting in person, in the hope that he sees he is forgiven but that it's important he learns better.

[A'Villan]

Thanks for the feedback guys, really. I think you're all probably right.

[mottaloo]

@A'Villan...i mean those words and I do admire your strengths in not only meeting up but the calm determination to pre set boundaries with the self respect to walk away if it doesn't go the way you want it to.