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irreverentad

Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

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I wouldn't let it affect your friendship, just let him crack on with planning/family guff while distancing yourself a bit from their relationship/wedding. Youve done what you needed, you told him your thoughts and was honest with him now just leave him with it all. Go and get pissed up and have a good time with no pressure now. Be a bit miffed understandably but no need to fall out.

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I find it hard to step back and watch one of my best mates make mistake after mistake though. 

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Weddings are incredibly political affairs. There could be several reason why he feels he needs to ask this guy to do it.

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3 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

I find it hard to step back and watch one of my best mates make mistake after mistake though. 

But you kind of have to, advise him and be honest like you have but you cant live other peoples lives. Just be there for him if it does go tits up.

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6 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

I find it hard to step back and watch one of my best mates make mistake after mistake though. 

Why can't you help him but without the official title of best man?

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try not to vent at your mate, he'll have a load of stuff going on at the mo. Childhood friends is kind of the standard choice in my experience. Just be a good mate and help out if he needs it. It's all that matters in the end.

I did it once. The good bit was the morning of the wedding.

"Don't let me drink anything Marv"

"Ok mate. Would you like a double Brandy to steady the nerves though"

"Yes"

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6 minutes ago, Genie said:

Why can't you help him but without the official title of best man?

I have been and he palms me off with BS every time. For years now.

It pissed me off that in the same conversation telling me I'm not Best Man, he started asking me for help with the Stag. It was incredibly callous IMO.

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Just now, StefanAVFC said:

I have been and he palms me off with BS every time. For years now.

It pissed me off that in the same conversation telling me I'm not Best Man, he started asking me for help with the Stag. It was incredibly callous IMO.

So just leave it now. You're absokutely right to be annoyed and have told him why you are. Not much else you can do now.

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@StefanAVFC

If it was me, I’d let him just get on with how he wants the stag/wedding to take place. If he wants your advice, by all means offer it, but as you say he’s chosen this other fella, so just go along for the ride. Don’t go overboard with any help if asked. It’s not on you, so just relax and enjoy how it unfolds.

To be honest, if I was getting married and half the people there spoke another language, I’d want to have someone who could speak both languages to have some involvement. 

So although it sounds like he’s not going to ask you for it, it’s probably not a terrible idea to at least think about what you would have said if he did ask you to be best man. It does sound like this wedding could be a bit all over the place and to be honest your mate sounds a little bit sketchy.

It’s not unrealistic to imagine him thinking he’s made a mistake and saying to you on the day “Actually mate, could just say a few words to both families?”. You then step in and save the day.

Like I say, don’t count on that happening, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a vague idea about what you’d say.

Edited by Shropshire Lad

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1 hour ago, StefanAVFC said:

Cross-posting from TTPYOBS as band t-shirt discussion took over :D

I moved to Poland 4/5 years ago, mostly because I came to visit a friend here, who had met a girl and was staying. I liked the lifestyle, hated my job in the UK and thought '**** it, why not?' Years later I'm still here. Me and this guy were mates before, but not super close. Now, after these years, I'd say the guy is comfortably my best mate.

Fast forward to now, and he's engaged and he's getting married next June. 

We spend a lot of time hanging out, and he alluded to (neither of us can 100% say whether he said definitively) me being his Best Man. My feeling was strong enough that I was planning the Stag, speech whatever. We've talked about it 5/6 times easily.

Last week, he pings me on Messenger and tells me his best man will be some guy from the UK that I've never heard him mention nor talk about, basically because 'it would be weird and would upset people if I didn't go with someone from this group'. Context, he has a group of mates from his High School days that he sees once a year when they all come to Poland together and this one guy organises the trip. That's all of the reasoning he gave me.

I'm hurt more than anything, but also pissed off at his logic. For me, a Best Man should be there to help and organise things to take stress away from the couple. How can this guy do that when he's in another country? He's also talking about removing the speech due to logistics (Polish/English) where when we talked about me being Best Man, I said I'd do it in both languages. In the same conversation he broke this news to me, he was asking for my help with the Stag. I was, perhaps unfairly, blunt and told him to discuss it with his Best Man. 

In addition, I've always tried to support him with his relationship. Him and his fiancee have been together for 5 years and still don't live together because both sets of parents don't approve of living together before marriage. I've both him how batshit crazy this is (they're 27 and 24 ffs) and he always palms me off. I don't think he's making a mistake getting married to her, but he's taking a huge risk with this living together thing. Being a best friend isn't just pandering and saying he's right.

Also, he's been telling me things about the wedding. His fiancee wants a fully Polish wedding, rather than bits from both cultures. That would be fine, but he's upsetting his parents by doing this as they won't sit on the top table with the couple. Apparently her parents would find it 'weird', so that's that, both sets of parents will sit at random tables. One example, but stupid and he's rolling over. I've, again, told him to stand up to her as this could be his only wedding day and he's letting her 100% have her way, to the detriment of his, and his parents' happiness.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent. I'm hurt by the whole situation and I think he's making some big mistakes.

AND STAY OUT! 

 

 

 

But don't push to be best man you needy prick.  

If you deserve it, you'll get chosen 😎

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@StefanAVFC I can understand why you're annoyed.

My best mate got married earlier this year and he's probably the only person I'd be able to be best man for. 

There were a couple of other contenders but they've all had brothers or slightly closer mates so I've never got the chance.

 

So for my best mate, I organised the stag do but was told that they weren't having a traditional wedding. So no best man, no speeches etc etc

So I really did get a thankless task!

To be honest I didn't mind the organising the stag do. I quite enjoy that sort of stuff and it went very well in the end. But I  was slightly miffed that my only chance of being best man fizzled out, so I can understand why you're putt off about this.

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9 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

 

There were a couple of other contenders but they've all had brothers or slightly closer mates so I've never got the chance.

 

Absolute bingo for me. 

I'm more put out that he told me it would be me, and asked me for help in the same conversation he told it wouldn't be.

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1 hour ago, StefanAVFC said:

Cross-posting from TTPYOBS as band t-shirt discussion took over :D

I moved to Poland 4/5 years ago, mostly because I came to visit a friend here, who had met a girl and was staying. I liked the lifestyle, hated my job in the UK and thought '**** it, why not?' Years later I'm still here. Me and this guy were mates before, but not super close. Now, after these years, I'd say the guy is comfortably my best mate.

Fast forward to now, and he's engaged and he's getting married next June. 

We spend a lot of time hanging out, and he alluded to (neither of us can 100% say whether he said definitively) me being his Best Man. My feeling was strong enough that I was planning the Stag, speech whatever. We've talked about it 5/6 times easily.

Last week, he pings me on Messenger and tells me his best man will be some guy from the UK that I've never heard him mention nor talk about, basically because 'it would be weird and would upset people if I didn't go with someone from this group'. Context, he has a group of mates from his High School days that he sees once a year when they all come to Poland together and this one guy organises the trip. That's all of the reasoning he gave me.

I'm hurt more than anything, but also pissed off at his logic. For me, a Best Man should be there to help and organise things to take stress away from the couple. How can this guy do that when he's in another country? He's also talking about removing the speech due to logistics (Polish/English) where when we talked about me being Best Man, I said I'd do it in both languages. In the same conversation he broke this news to me, he was asking for my help with the Stag. I was, perhaps unfairly, blunt and told him to discuss it with his Best Man. 

In addition, I've always tried to support him with his relationship. Him and his fiancee have been together for 5 years and still don't live together because both sets of parents don't approve of living together before marriage. I've both him how batshit crazy this is (they're 27 and 24 ffs) and he always palms me off. I don't think he's making a mistake getting married to her, but he's taking a huge risk with this living together thing. Being a best friend isn't just pandering and saying he's right.

Also, he's been telling me things about the wedding. His fiancee wants a fully Polish wedding, rather than bits from both cultures. That would be fine, but he's upsetting his parents by doing this as they won't sit on the top table with the couple. Apparently her parents would find it 'weird', so that's that, both sets of parents will sit at random tables. One example, but stupid and he's rolling over. I've, again, told him to stand up to her as this could be his only wedding day and he's letting her 100% have her way, to the detriment of his, and his parents' happiness.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent. I'm hurt by the whole situation and I think he's making some big mistakes.

Sounds a bit of a nob. Kick him to the kerb. Oh and the bride to be...DHUTWU

Edited by rjw63
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"he...hehe... and this one time... it was last monday actually... Slavov swapped my A & E keys on my keyboard!!!... the bastard." 

*turns to other tables*

"he...hehe.. und vis eins tiem... vas voss list Montag eck-suh-allov.. Slavov sVopped mein Av & Ev keeys on mein kevbored!!!... das bastardov."

Stupid @StefanAVFC..

Boo Boo This Man GIF - Boo BooThisMan GIFs

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I’m doing my best man’s duties in just over a month’s time. Actually we have the stag do this coming Friday. 

Although I’ve known the groom a long time, there are some mutual friends in our group that have known him nearly 10 years longer than I have. So it’s not always who’s been your mate for the longest time.

I wouldn’t have been put out if I wasn’t asked, quite content enjoying a stress and responsibility free day. Although about 5 or 6 years ago he previously asked me to be a best man (this is the second time they’re engaged), so there’s the chance I would’ve found it a bit strange if he hadn’t asked me again. 

I’m happy to do it, as long as it goes well I guess :D

But Stefan saying his mate intimated he was going to be best man, then decided he wasn’t but still wants Stefan to help him out, I kinda get why he’d be a bit put out with his mate.

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7 minutes ago, Shropshire Lad said:

But Stefan saying his mate intimated he was going to be best man, then decided he wasn’t but still wants Stefan to help him out, I kinda get why he’d be a bit put out with his mate.

That's it.

As well as saying directly to me that it would be insulting if he didn't ask one of that group, whilst insulting me in the way he behaved...

Self-awareness, zero.

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2 hours ago, rjw63 said:

Sounds a bit of a nob. Kick him to the kerb. Oh and the bride to be...DHUTWU

You're back !!! I was worried you'd lost your touch there for a while 😉

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