Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[StefanAVFC]

9 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

 

There were a couple of other contenders but they've all had brothers or slightly closer mates so I've never got the chance.

 

Absolute bingo for me. 

I'm more put out that he told me it would be me, and asked me for help in the same conversation he told it wouldn't be.

[rjw63]

1 hour ago, StefanAVFC said:

Cross-posting from TTPYOBS as band t-shirt discussion took over

I moved to Poland 4/5 years ago, mostly because I came to visit a friend here, who had met a girl and was staying. I liked the lifestyle, hated my job in the UK and thought '**** it, why not?' Years later I'm still here. Me and this guy were mates before, but not super close. Now, after these years, I'd say the guy is comfortably my best mate.

Fast forward to now, and he's engaged and he's getting married next June. 

We spend a lot of time hanging out, and he alluded to (neither of us can 100% say whether he said definitively) me being his Best Man. My feeling was strong enough that I was planning the Stag, speech whatever. We've talked about it 5/6 times easily.

Last week, he pings me on Messenger and tells me his best man will be some guy from the UK that I've never heard him mention nor talk about, basically because 'it would be weird and would upset people if I didn't go with someone from this group'. Context, he has a group of mates from his High School days that he sees once a year when they all come to Poland together and this one guy organises the trip. That's all of the reasoning he gave me.

I'm hurt more than anything, but also pissed off at his logic. For me, a Best Man should be there to help and organise things to take stress away from the couple. How can this guy do that when he's in another country? He's also talking about removing the speech due to logistics (Polish/English) where when we talked about me being Best Man, I said I'd do it in both languages. In the same conversation he broke this news to me, he was asking for my help with the Stag. I was, perhaps unfairly, blunt and told him to discuss it with his Best Man. 

In addition, I've always tried to support him with his relationship. Him and his fiancee have been together for 5 years and still don't live together because both sets of parents don't approve of living together before marriage. I've both him how batshit crazy this is (they're 27 and 24 ffs) and he always palms me off. I don't think he's making a mistake getting married to her, but he's taking a huge risk with this living together thing. Being a best friend isn't just pandering and saying he's right.

Also, he's been telling me things about the wedding. His fiancee wants a fully Polish wedding, rather than bits from both cultures. That would be fine, but he's upsetting his parents by doing this as they won't sit on the top table with the couple. Apparently her parents would find it 'weird', so that's that, both sets of parents will sit at random tables. One example, but stupid and he's rolling over. I've, again, told him to stand up to her as this could be his only wedding day and he's letting her 100% have her way, to the detriment of his, and his parents' happiness.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent. I'm hurt by the whole situation and I think he's making some big mistakes.

Sounds a bit of a nob. Kick him to the kerb. Oh and the bride to be...DHUTWU

Edited August 19, 2019 by rjw63

[mjmooney]

Same thing happened to me once. I was a bit put out for a while, and then I thought: "You know what? This is the sort of thing that girls get upset over", and couldn't-give-a-shit-blokedom reasserted itself. Your friend's old school friend would probably have been far more offended if he'd been passed over (old friends always trump new ones for the best man gig). 

And @Genie is right- no work involved now, just drinking and trying it on with the bridesmaids. Result. 

[lapal_fan]

"he...hehe... and this one time... it was last monday actually... Slavov swapped my A & E keys on my keyboard!!!... the bastard." 

*turns to other tables*

"he...hehe.. und vis eins tiem... vas voss list Montag eck-suh-allov.. Slavov sVopped mein Av & Ev keeys on mein kevbored!!!... das bastardov."

Stupid @StefanAVFC..

[Mark Albrighton]

I’m doing my best man’s duties in just over a month’s time. Actually we have the stag do this coming Friday. 

Although I’ve known the groom a long time, there are some mutual friends in our group that have known him nearly 10 years longer than I have. So it’s not always who’s been your mate for the longest time.

I wouldn’t have been put out if I wasn’t asked, quite content enjoying a stress and responsibility free day. Although about 5 or 6 years ago he previously asked me to be a best man (this is the second time they’re engaged), so there’s the chance I would’ve found it a bit strange if he hadn’t asked me again. 

I’m happy to do it, as long as it goes well I guess 

But Stefan saying his mate intimated he was going to be best man, then decided he wasn’t but still wants Stefan to help him out, I kinda get why he’d be a bit put out with his mate.

[StefanAVFC]

7 minutes ago, Shropshire Lad said:

But Stefan saying his mate intimated he was going to be best man, then decided he wasn’t but still wants Stefan to help him out, I kinda get why he’d be a bit put out with his mate.

That's it.

As well as saying directly to me that it would be insulting if he didn't ask one of that group, whilst insulting me in the way he behaved...

Self-awareness, zero.

[mottaloo]

2 hours ago, rjw63 said:

Sounds a bit of a nob. Kick him to the kerb. Oh and the bride to be...DHUTWU

You're back !!! I was worried you'd lost your touch there for a while 

[Rugeley Villa]

I couldn’t think of anything worse than being a best man ..

[Xela]

Some good news... been asked to be best man at a wedding in Poland. Barely spoken to the lad since school but he said he has no-one else he can trust so I've got the honour. 

Best thing is, i don't have to sort the stag do out as some sap is doing that. Result!  

 

[Xela]

6 hours ago, StefanAVFC said:

I find it hard to step back and watch one of my best mates make mistake after mistake though. 

Sometimes its all you can do though. Some people don't like to hear other views. 

[rodders0223]

7 hours ago, StefanAVFC said:

Cross-posting from TTPYOBS as band t-shirt discussion took over

I moved to Poland 4/5 years ago, mostly because I came to visit a friend here, who had met a girl and was staying. I liked the lifestyle, hated my job in the UK and thought '**** it, why not?' Years later I'm still here. Me and this guy were mates before, but not super close. Now, after these years, I'd say the guy is comfortably my best mate.

Fast forward to now, and he's engaged and he's getting married next June. 

We spend a lot of time hanging out, and he alluded to (neither of us can 100% say whether he said definitively) me being his Best Man. My feeling was strong enough that I was planning the Stag, speech whatever. We've talked about it 5/6 times easily.

Last week, he pings me on Messenger and tells me his best man will be some guy from the UK that I've never heard him mention nor talk about, basically because 'it would be weird and would upset people if I didn't go with someone from this group'. Context, he has a group of mates from his High School days that he sees once a year when they all come to Poland together and this one guy organises the trip. That's all of the reasoning he gave me.

I'm hurt more than anything, but also pissed off at his logic. For me, a Best Man should be there to help and organise things to take stress away from the couple. How can this guy do that when he's in another country? He's also talking about removing the speech due to logistics (Polish/English) where when we talked about me being Best Man, I said I'd do it in both languages. In the same conversation he broke this news to me, he was asking for my help with the Stag. I was, perhaps unfairly, blunt and told him to discuss it with his Best Man. 

In addition, I've always tried to support him with his relationship. Him and his fiancee have been together for 5 years and still don't live together because both sets of parents don't approve of living together before marriage. I've both him how batshit crazy this is (they're 27 and 24 ffs) and he always palms me off. I don't think he's making a mistake getting married to her, but he's taking a huge risk with this living together thing. Being a best friend isn't just pandering and saying he's right.

Also, he's been telling me things about the wedding. His fiancee wants a fully Polish wedding, rather than bits from both cultures. That would be fine, but he's upsetting his parents by doing this as they won't sit on the top table with the couple. Apparently her parents would find it 'weird', so that's that, both sets of parents will sit at random tables. One example, but stupid and he's rolling over. I've, again, told him to stand up to her as this could be his only wedding day and he's letting her 100% have her way, to the detriment of his, and his parents' happiness.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent. I'm hurt by the whole situation and I think he's making some big mistakes.

He sounds like an absolute melt tbf.

Get pissed and shag his sister, or his brother. Whatever floats your boat.

[KentVillan]

9 hours ago, StefanAVFC said:

Cross-posting from TTPYOBS as band t-shirt discussion took over

I moved to Poland 4/5 years ago, mostly because I came to visit a friend here, who had met a girl and was staying. I liked the lifestyle, hated my job in the UK and thought '**** it, why not?' Years later I'm still here. Me and this guy were mates before, but not super close. Now, after these years, I'd say the guy is comfortably my best mate.

Fast forward to now, and he's engaged and he's getting married next June. 

We spend a lot of time hanging out, and he alluded to (neither of us can 100% say whether he said definitively) me being his Best Man. My feeling was strong enough that I was planning the Stag, speech whatever. We've talked about it 5/6 times easily.

Last week, he pings me on Messenger and tells me his best man will be some guy from the UK that I've never heard him mention nor talk about, basically because 'it would be weird and would upset people if I didn't go with someone from this group'. Context, he has a group of mates from his High School days that he sees once a year when they all come to Poland together and this one guy organises the trip. That's all of the reasoning he gave me.

I'm hurt more than anything, but also pissed off at his logic. For me, a Best Man should be there to help and organise things to take stress away from the couple. How can this guy do that when he's in another country? He's also talking about removing the speech due to logistics (Polish/English) where when we talked about me being Best Man, I said I'd do it in both languages. In the same conversation he broke this news to me, he was asking for my help with the Stag. I was, perhaps unfairly, blunt and told him to discuss it with his Best Man. 

In addition, I've always tried to support him with his relationship. Him and his fiancee have been together for 5 years and still don't live together because both sets of parents don't approve of living together before marriage. I've both him how batshit crazy this is (they're 27 and 24 ffs) and he always palms me off. I don't think he's making a mistake getting married to her, but he's taking a huge risk with this living together thing. Being a best friend isn't just pandering and saying he's right.

Also, he's been telling me things about the wedding. His fiancee wants a fully Polish wedding, rather than bits from both cultures. That would be fine, but he's upsetting his parents by doing this as they won't sit on the top table with the couple. Apparently her parents would find it 'weird', so that's that, both sets of parents will sit at random tables. One example, but stupid and he's rolling over. I've, again, told him to stand up to her as this could be his only wedding day and he's letting her 100% have her way, to the detriment of his, and his parents' happiness.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent. I'm hurt by the whole situation and I think he's making some big mistakes.

I think your hurt is understandable, but you're showing a little bit of inexperience about weddings. They are intensely political, complicated events that unearth all kinds of histories, insecurities, lies, fantasies, etc. You definitely aren't the first person to have raised an eyebrow at the choice of best man / groomsman / bridesmaids / etc. but it's really not worth the pain.

Ultimately, it sounds like you have a decent friendship with this bloke, and reading between the lines, you're not 100% sure about his relationship, and you think he lets her wear the trousers too often. We've all been there. Remember the best thing you can do is support him with whatever decisions he makes, as he goes through one of the most stressful moments in his life. He obviously values you as a friend or he wouldn't have asked you to help organise the stag do, so try not to let bitterness affect the way you speak with him.

As for the wedding itself. 100% Polish, no parents on the top table, etc. - not your problem. Write them a nice card, lie about how happy you are for them if you have to, get them a nice present. Don't be snide, don't give any hint that you feel aggrieved. Get smashed, shag one of the bride's sisters. Have a good time. He'll still be your mate afterwards, and once they've got bored of spamming social media with their shit photos, you'll forget it ever happened.

 

[NurembergVillan]

29 minutes ago, KentVillan said:

I think your hurt is understandable, but you're showing a little bit of inexperience about weddings. They are intensely political, complicated events that unearth all kinds of histories, insecurities, lies, fantasies, etc. You definitely aren't the first person to have raised an eyebrow at the choice of best man / groomsman / bridesmaids / etc. but it's really not worth the pain.

Ultimately, it sounds like you have a decent friendship with this bloke, and reading between the lines, you're not 100% sure about his relationship, and you think he lets her wear the trousers too often. We've all been there. Remember the best thing you can do is support him with whatever decisions he makes, as he goes through one of the most stressful moments in his life. He obviously values you as a friend or he wouldn't have asked you to help organise the stag do, so try not to let bitterness affect the way you speak with him.

As for the wedding itself. 100% Polish, no parents on the top table, etc. - not your problem. Write them a nice card, lie about how happy you are for them if you have to, get them a nice present. Don't be snide, don't give any hint that you feel aggrieved. Get smashed, shag one of the bride's sisters. Have a good time. He'll still be your mate afterwards, and once they've got bored of spamming social media with their shit photos, you'll forget it ever happened.

 

Sound advice, right there.

[HanoiVillan]

Weddings always seem like the most important thing in the world . . . until about two minutes after you've pulled out of the car park, and then you never think about them ever again. 

[Mark Albrighton]

I quite enjoy them, there’s seemingly always some major talking point that occurs. 

My mates and I still refer to one wedding from 3 and 1/2 years ago which ultimately led to one friend removing himself from our group (I still haven’t seen him since the day in question) and another friendship permanently fractured within the group because of his wife’s behaviour (no, not that.......just general unpleasantness/obnoxious attitude).

[lapal_fan]

I don't mind weddings.  They're usually a good place to see old faces and have a chat and a few beers with music and there's enough people to use as a shield from the people you're not bothered about.  Plus my social circle is pretty small so I tend to really know and like the people who are getting married.  

I've been best man twice and usher twice.  I've enjoyed it.  I loved planning the stag do's (Berlin and Warsaw, although I'd say I did a better job at Berlin because I'd already been there) and I was "joint-best man", meaning the speeches were fun to write.  I don't mind public speaking, but I think my speeches were pretty shit tbh, looking back.  I'd have done them much different if I were to do them again I think. 

Ahh well!  

[choffer]

12 hours ago, HanoiVillan said:

Weddings always seem like the most important thing in the world . . . until about two minutes after you've pulled out of the uglier of the three bridesmaids, and then you never think about them ever again until about a week later and the itching starts. 

Or is that just me?

[KentVillan]

I find weddings pretty hit and miss. Some people are just deluded, and their weddings are a big expression of that delusion. The low-key, unassuming weddings with few airs and graces often turn out to be the most enjoyable.

A good band helps a lot. I'm amazed by how many people spend a fortune on what amounts to a couple of good Instagram photos, and then hire a budget DJ for the party. Blow all the money on a band!

[Rodders]

we're planning our wedding and definitely seeking a band we can rely on for the day. It makes such a positive difference. I've been to one of my friends wedding who I think had asked their mate to bring his own DJ set along, and maybe she liked that but for everyone else, it was WTF is this shit? No-one danced to anything until he played the odd track we actually recognised, the rest of it was some weird trance-type rubbish. Play some cheese at least, that's essential. 

 

Edited August 20, 2019 by Rodders

[Rugeley Villa]

Ours was very low key . Family and close friends only. Lichfield registry office then we all went for a sit down meal. The ones that wanted to carry on drinking joined us down town in our local pubs. One landlord gave  us bottles of champagne on the house. The cost weren’t much at all. People think I’m joking when I say the Cocaine bill was as much as the wedding. That’s how it was a few years ago though. As it turned out I made a massive dick of myself and she wants to renew our vows which we are doing next year. 

Edited August 20, 2019 by Rugeley Villa