Popular Post NurembergVillan Posted August 25, 2016 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted August 25, 2016 10 hours ago, Ingram85 said: So, me and the wife are splitting up. We still love each other, still want to be together but she has said she never wants kids where as I want them. Before we got married she said she wanted them. She's 23 and I'm 31, the problem is that I could wait but I may be 40 by the time she is ready, I don't want to be 60 when my kid is 20. She is adamant that she won't change her mind in the foreseeable either so I'm kinda stuck. Weve been talking and trying to work it out for months now but can't figure it out. Feels like a massive waste and a huge shame as I don't want us to break up but having kids was always a part of the plan for me, I've never changed on it and she knew this before marrying me so I feel pissed off that she has changed her tune so much and I could wait but what if she never changes her mind? Is it right to break up now so we can be happier with other people and get what we want from life? If I stay I feel like I'll be in limbo waiting for her to change her mind again and that's not healthy. Heads a right mess at the mo as it doesn't feel real, we are ok together other than this huge issue. Urghhhhhh. Will have to sell the house too unless I get a mate to move in? The cat too lol we will fight over him I know it. Don't know where to turn. The whole situation feels stupid. Why marry me and settle down if you didn't want kids? Why say you did originally? **** sake. Mate, your head must be split in half. Makes me sad to read it. I'll now go the other way and echo what Blandy said. My first child will be 1 on Monday. I've always wanted to be a Dad. I'm now 37, my wife is 38. We met when we were both turning 30, and at the time she wasn't keen on having kids but wasn't totally against it. Since having a child (and despite it being a very traumatic birth for her - the baby was fine) she's now keen to have more. She loves being a Mom. I would've been ready to have kids as soon as we met, and now I have one I'm glad we didn't. As Pete said, the holidays and parties and adventures are there to be had and you should both be taking the opportunity while you can. She's only 23 and will miss a whole chunk of her adult life if she becomes a Mom right now. Being a man puts you on the lucky side of things in that your clock won't be ticking as loudly as hers in your 30s so time is definitely on your side. In terms of age in relation to your kids, I can understand that. My Mom and Dad were 43 and 44 when I was born and them being older now has had an impact on my life. That said, I think their maturity level really benefitted me as I was growing up. They were calm and experienced and it paid off in raising me. Say you wait till your wife is 30? You'll be 37/38, which is still absolutely fine. But then I would say that. Bottom line mate, is if you love her and she makes you happy in every possible way, then you've got a lot to hold on to. You've also got a very good start point for beginning a family - at the right time. I don't know the ins and outs, and obviously you know where your priorities lie and what is important to you, but as a mate I'd really encourage you to take a step back and look at it all through her frame of reference. Time is on your side. It's very very much on hers. Think how much your approach to life changed between the age of 23 and 30. It might alter your perspective enough to get you both through this... 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted August 25, 2016 VT Supporter Share Posted August 25, 2016 I agree with NV. Being an older parent has advantages as well as disadvantages - my parents were 50 (!) and 40 when I was born. I found them frustratingly old-fashioned and uncool compared to my friends' parents, but actually they did a better job of it in many ways. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krisagg75 Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 my mom was 40 when I was born and that was in 65.never bothered me.i think I benefited because of it when I consider my situation with my mates who had younger parents. anyway 60 is the new 30 these days. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeyp102 Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) 11 hours ago, Ingram85 said: So, me and the wife are splitting up. We still love each other, still want to be together but she has said she never wants kids where as I want them. Before we got married she said she wanted them. She's 23 and I'm 31, the problem is that I could wait but I may be 40 by the time she is ready, I don't want to be 60 when my kid is 20. She is adamant that she won't change her mind in the foreseeable either so I'm kinda stuck. Weve been talking and trying to work it out for months now but can't figure it out. Feels like a massive waste and a huge shame as I don't want us to break up but having kids was always a part of the plan for me, I've never changed on it and she knew this before marrying me so I feel pissed off that she has changed her tune so much and I could wait but what if she never changes her mind? Is it right to break up now so we can be happier with other people and get what we want from life? If I stay I feel like I'll be in limbo waiting for her to change her mind again and that's not healthy. Heads a right mess at the mo as it doesn't feel real, we are ok together other than this huge issue. Urghhhhhh. Will have to sell the house too unless I get a mate to move in? The cat too lol we will fight over him I know it. Don't know where to turn. The whole situation feels stupid. Why marry me and settle down if you didn't want kids? Why say you did originally? **** sake. Mate that's a horrible situation to be in. I'm sure you're not, but don't make any rash decisions, or even still making any horrible statements about her. Probably not ideal but you have both tried counseling? Edited August 25, 2016 by mikeyp102 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeyp102 Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 5 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said: Wise words by blandy. It is crap news Ingram but let's not jump the gun I'd say. I know where your coming from regarding being an older man when your kids are hitting 20 but all being well you will still be able to do a lot of the things if not all the things you want to do with them. I had just hit 29 when I had my first then just turned 31 with my second, but now with a third on the way which I don't want I might add I was asking myself the same thing the other night whether I was too old to be having another one arrive when I'm 34. Imo it's a lot harder for women as they get older than it is for men so id say your ok for a bit. My wife has said I don't have to stick around and she will do it by herself if I want, but I could never do that its just not me. Things have become very distant between us since she told me she was pregnant last Friday and she don't really get why it's such a big deal for me not wanting this baby but we will get through it. If your that desperate and the price is right I might be able to persuade her to part for cash seriously though I'm sure you will come through it. Welcome back Ruge. Shame how things had been going so well and now on the rocks again. Hope you work it out again.. As for the bolder bit, there are many reasons why your kids shouldn't read VT (well mainly off topic). That is another! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 7 hours ago, mikeyp102 said: Welcome back Ruge. Shame how things had been going so well and now on the rocks again. Hope you work it out again.. As for the bolder bit, there are many reasons why your kids shouldn't read VT (well mainly off topic). That is another! I'm doing alright bud. Yeah I'm not sure my kid would enjoy reading that I don't want another baby but obviously once its registers properly and I accept the situation I will change my views. Things happen for a reason I suppose and my missus keeps saying its a blessing for us. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted August 26, 2016 VT Supporter Share Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) The downside of being an older parent is that you may miss out on grandparenting. I never knew my grandparents, which was a real shame. As a new grandparent now (see Rogues' Gallery) I really see the value of that relationship. Edited August 26, 2016 by mjmooney 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 1 hour ago, mjmooney said: The upside of being an older parent is that you may miss out on grandparenting. Corrected 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 4 minutes ago, rjw63 said: Corrected You don't mean that you big softy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 3 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said: You don't mean that you big softy. I've had three kids and done my bit (house husband for 15 years), luckily none of mine or the missus offspring look like dropping a sprog anytime soon so I'm in the clear for now 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 13 minutes ago, rjw63 said: I've had three kids and done my bit (house husband for 15 years), luckily none of mine or the missus offspring look like dropping a sprog anytime soon so I'm in the clear for now Don't speak too soon grandad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted August 26, 2016 Moderator Share Posted August 26, 2016 4 minutes ago, Rugeley Villa said: Don't speak too soon grandad. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 On 25 August 2016 at 14:15, Demitri_C said: The worst thing that could happen is your divource and she has a kid with someone else Dem, I'm not sure if I'm missing something humorous here but as it stands I can only take this as horribly insensitive. Not cool. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Also, thanks again for the further advice chaps, it really means s lot. Just to add, I'd be fine having kids around 35/36 but the issue is that she is saying she can't promise anything and that I could wait another 5/6 years and she could change her mind but if she doesn't then I could be waiting longer or waiting for something that is so important to me but it could never happen. There is nothing wrong with having kids at 40 or older, nothing at all, but it's just not for me, I want them sooner. Plus like I've said, I could wait until I'm 40 and she still may not want kids, despite our love for each other, I'm not prepared to risk that. Ive thought about staying with her for life despite the risk of us never having children but I can't stress how important to me having children is. I know I couldn't do it and I even though I love her I wouldn't that love to turn into resentment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakemineVanilla Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 20 minutes ago, Ingram85 said: Also, thanks again for the further advice chaps, it really means s lot. Just to add, I'd be fine having kids around 35/36 but the issue is that she is saying she can't promise anything and that I could wait another 5/6 years and she could change her mind but if she doesn't then I could be waiting longer or waiting for something that is so important to me but it could never happen. There is nothing wrong with having kids at 40 or older, nothing at all, but it's just not for me, I want them sooner. Plus like I've said, I could wait until I'm 40 and she still may not want kids, despite our love for each other, I'm not prepared to risk that. Ive thought about staying with her for life despite the risk of us never having children but I can't stress how important to me having children is. I know I couldn't do it and I even though I love her I wouldn't that love to turn into resentment. Just for future guidance, do you prefer sympathetic sensitive advice, which may not be quite sincere or brutally honest opinion? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Just now, MakemineVanilla said: Just for future guidance, do you prefer sympathetic sensitive advice, which may not be quite sincere or brutally honest opinion? Eh? I'm just responding to what others have said just to give a bit more info on the situation? I'm not having a go at anyone or dismissing their advice, it's all be great advice so far and I'm genuinely touched that a few people care enough to offer up some insight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted August 26, 2016 VT Supporter Share Posted August 26, 2016 6 minutes ago, MakemineVanilla said: Just for future guidance, do you prefer sympathetic sensitive advice, which may not be quite sincere or brutally honest opinion? Please stop. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakemineVanilla Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 1 minute ago, Ingram85 said: Eh? I'm just responding to what others have said just to give a bit more info on the situation? I'm not having a go at anyone or dismissing their advice, it's all be great advice so far and I'm genuinely touched that a few people care enough to offer up some insight. I understand that, I was just wondering. I definitely am not having a go or anything, just a bit of friendly chat. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted August 26, 2016 VT Supporter Share Posted August 26, 2016 1 minute ago, MakemineVanilla said: I understand that, I was just wondering. I definitely am not having a go or anything, just a bit of friendly chat. Except it doesn't come across like that though does it? Anyway, I'll say no more as I don't want to derail the thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakemineVanilla Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Designer1 said: Please stop. I am not going anywhere with this, and I am not about to offer either. I was just curious. Edited August 26, 2016 by MakemineVanilla Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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