Demitri_C Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 56 minutes ago, Ingram85 said: So, me and the wife are splitting up. We still love each other, still want to be together but she has said she never wants kids where as I want them. Before we got married she said she wanted them. She's 23 and I'm 31, the problem is that I could wait but I may be 40 by the time she is ready, I don't want to be 60 when my kid is 20. She is adamant that she won't change her mind in the foreseeable either so I'm kinda stuck. Weve been talking and trying to work it out for months now but can't figure it out. Feels like a massive waste and a huge shame as I don't want us to break up but having kids was always a part of the plan for me, I've never changed on it and she knew this before marrying me so I feel pissed off that she has changed her tune so much and I could wait but what if she never changes her mind? Is it right to break up now so we can be happier with other people and get what we want from life? If I stay I feel like I'll be in limbo waiting for her to change her mind again and that's not healthy. Heads a right mess at the mo as it doesn't feel real, we are ok together other than this huge issue. Urghhhhhh. Will have to sell the house too unless I get a mate to move in? The cat too lol we will fight over him I know it. Don't know where to turn. The whole situation feels stupid. Why marry me and settle down if you didn't want kids? Why say you did originally? **** sake. That sucks, I don't understand why she would marry you if she knew how much you want kids?. Has you specified the exact reasons why she doesn't want them? Is it financial? the pressure or something else? Also hypothetically speaking what would have happened if she got accidentally pregnant? Did she say she would abort it/? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 That sucks Ingram. Is an extended period apart before re-assessing an option to allow her to consider her life without you an option? I suppose she must be fairly insistent on the child thing sadly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Demitri_C said: Also hypothetically speaking what would have happened if she got accidentally pregnant? Did she say she would abort it/? Aha, the old pin pricks in the Jonny routine. Like it!! Edited August 25, 2016 by Jon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Cheers guys. This has been ongoing and her opinion about having kids has been changing for the worse for about 6 months. She's gone from wanting to apprehensive to not wanting at all and it looks like something we won't get over. If I was her age I'd be fine but this is where the age gap has a detrimental influence on the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 6 minutes ago, Ingram85 said: Cheers guys. This has been ongoing and her opinion about having kids has been changing for the worse for about 6 months. She's gone from wanting to apprehensive to not wanting at all and it looks like something we won't get over. If I was her age I'd be fine but this is where the age gap has a detrimental influence on the relationship. It is something her friends find popular? I ask because a few years ago my wife made a mate at work who actively went out of her way to discourage her friends from having kids. For a while my wife sort of agreed with her (must have been flavor of the month or something). They're not friends anymore because of work moves, but we've since had a kid. Maybe talk to her about why she feels like she doesn't want them anymore? Ask her if this is temporary. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 5 minutes ago, Ingram85 said: Cheers guys. This has been ongoing and her opinion about having kids has been changing for the worse for about 6 months. She's gone from wanting to apprehensive to not wanting at all and it looks like something we won't get over. If I was her age I'd be fine but this is where the age gap has a detrimental influence on the relationship. Really sorry to hear that mate. Horrible situation to be in, especially if your relationship is otherwise fine. But it's understandably a deal breaker. As you say, she may change her mind in the future, but how long do you wait and how would you know for sure? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 46 minutes ago, Ingram85 said: Cheers guys. This has been ongoing and her opinion about having kids has been changing for the worse for about 6 months. She's gone from wanting to apprehensive to not wanting at all and it looks like something we won't get over. If I was her age I'd be fine but this is where the age gap has a detrimental influence on the relationship. The worst thing that could happen is your divource and she has a kid with someone else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Ingram85 Posted August 25, 2016 Popular Post Share Posted August 25, 2016 Err, Cheers Dem. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted August 25, 2016 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Demitri_C said: The worst thing that could happen is your divource and she has a kid with someone else Nah. The worst thing that could happen is the outbreak of a deadly virus that kills 70% of the world's population, and the remaining 30% unleash a nuclear war, devastating the planet and triggering a new ice age, which leaves the few survivors scrabbling for existence in a cannibalistic nightmare. Or, Lescott is restored to the Villa team. Edited August 25, 2016 by mjmooney 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 23 minutes ago, mjmooney said: Nah. The worst thing that could happen is the outbreak of a deadly virus that kills 70% of the world's population, and the remaining 30% unleash a nuclear war, devastating the planet and triggering a new ice age, which leaves the few survivors scrabbling for existence in a cannibalistic nightmare. Or, Lescott is restored to the Villa team. You are aware this a relationship thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakemineVanilla Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 2 hours ago, Ingram85 said: Cheers guys. This has been ongoing and her opinion about having kids has been changing for the worse for about 6 months. She's gone from wanting to apprehensive to not wanting at all and it looks like something we won't get over. If I was her age I'd be fine but this is where the age gap has a detrimental influence on the relationship. Think about yourself at that age and what you wanted. Otis told us to try a little tenderness but a little empathy works even better. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted August 25, 2016 Moderator Share Posted August 25, 2016 Your post suggests to me that you may have misunderstood a sensitive issue for the second time in 24 hours there ... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post blandy Posted August 25, 2016 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) Quote So, me and the wife are splitting up. We still love each other, still want to be together but she has said she never wants kids where as I want them. Before we got married she said she wanted them. She's 23 and I'm 31, the problem is that I could wait but I may be 40 by the time she is ready, I don't want to be 60 when my kid is 20. She is adamant that she won't change her mind in the foreseeable either so I'm kinda stuck. Sorry also. This might seem crass and insensitive, but 23 is quite young to have kids (not too young, or owt, but still young). 28 say and you'd be what? 35 ish. Maybe you'd have more money, maybe you'd have had 5 more years of holidays and "freedom" from the burdens of childcare? If the only thing really causing the split is the opposite desires on having kids, and given that she's changed her mind once already... is waiting longer really a deal-breaker to cause divorce? (I'm not asking for you to tell me the answer). If you split up are you more or less likely to get the thing (children) you want, with the person you want? Edited August 25, 2016 by blandy quoting fixed 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted August 25, 2016 Moderator Share Posted August 25, 2016 **taps @blandy on the shoulder** That's a quote from Ingram85! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 12 minutes ago, blandy said: Sorry also. This might seem crass and insensitive, but 23 is quite young to have kids (not too young, or owt, but still young). 28 say and you'd be what? 35 ish. Maybe you'd have more money, maybe you'd have had 5 more years of holidays and "freedom" from the burdens of childcare? If the only thing really causing the split is the opposite desires on having kids, and given that she's changed her mind once already... is waiting longer really a deal-breaker to cause divorce? (I'm not asking for you to tell me the answer). If you split up are you more or less likely to get the thing (children) you want, with the person you want? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blandy Posted August 25, 2016 Moderator Share Posted August 25, 2016 10 minutes ago, BOF said: **taps @blandy on the shoulder** That's a quote from Ingram85! Bloomin' software! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HanoiVillan Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 I agree with blandy. Her opinion has been changing over six months - not much time at all in the grand scheme of things. She might well change her mind again, lots of 23 year-old women don't want kids immediately. I've changed my mind on this issue before, and I might again in the future - if your relationship is good otherwise, I would really suggest slowing down and not taking any drastic decisions just yet. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Wise words by blandy. It is crap news Ingram but let's not jump the gun I'd say. I know where your coming from regarding being an older man when your kids are hitting 20 but all being well you will still be able to do a lot of the things if not all the things you want to do with them. I had just hit 29 when I had my first then just turned 31 with my second, but now with a third on the way which I don't want I might add I was asking myself the same thing the other night whether I was too old to be having another one arrive when I'm 34. Imo it's a lot harder for women as they get older than it is for men so id say your ok for a bit. My wife has said I don't have to stick around and she will do it by herself if I want, but I could never do that its just not me. Things have become very distant between us since she told me she was pregnant last Friday and she don't really get why it's such a big deal for me not wanting this baby but we will get through it. If your that desperate and the price is right I might be able to persuade her to part for cash seriously though I'm sure you will come through it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Ginko Posted August 25, 2016 Popular Post Share Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) Welcome back, Ruge! Sorry to hear about that, Rich. It sounds like an awful situation and unfortunately one where the age gap is very apparent. I echo the sentiments of the others but I'd also like to bring up another couple of points. Firstly, my parent's marriage pretty awful nowadays and it's largely due to the age gap. My mum did have kids very young, three by the time she was 22, and the last few years or so as she's been in her 50s she's changed a fair bit, mid-life crisis and all that. She felt like she didn't have much of her youth (her own choice, mind you) and now her outlook and what she wants has completely changed whereas my dad's hasn't. It's not the only reason for their failing relationship, and he takes a lot of the blame too, but it's something to think about maybe. I know you can't predict the future, but if she's against having kids at 23 it's best she doesn't have them in case she might regrets it in the future, resents you somewhat and becomes a different person altogether, leaving you in a worse position since you're older and now there are kids involved. I can understand not wanting to wait until you're 40 to have kids. I'm around the same age and single and its something I'm very aware of now when thinking about relationships. However, you're still a way off that and being a dad at 35 is becoming quite common nowadays. I'd even say it's more likely to encourage healthier and happier families since you've had your youth and days of no responsibility and it's a good time to settle down. She may never change her mind, but then again, she might. In three years she'll be closer to 30 than 20 and you'll still be closer to 30 than 40 and things might change. You'll both be at a good time to start a family and you'll be doing it with someone you love instead of potentially settling for someone you don't love as much but got with her because she wanted children. Lastly, have you found it quite easy to get into relationships and fall in love? I personally find it very difficult to find someone I feel that way about, and as a guy around your age who is single and nowhere near being with someone let alone the right one, I just wanted to ask you about this. You could be throwing away the love of your life and they're such a rare find. I think I'd rather be with someone I love more than anything and be childless than with someone I didn't love to my fullest ability and introduce kids into the equation. Either way, I hope it all works out for the best, mate. You're a good egg. Edited August 25, 2016 by Ginko 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Good post ginko. Having kids at the best of times puts strain on a relationship, let alone when one of you is not 100% sure. Many a relationship breaks up or has problems once kids arrive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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