Stevo985 Posted February 25, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted February 25, 2019 It's easy to say when it isn't you, but if my partner hit me like that I'd end it on the spot. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan_of_oz Posted February 25, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted February 25, 2019 12 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: It's easy to say when it isn't you, but if my partner hit me like that I'd end it on the spot. That's exactly my thoughts, there is 99.9% she will come back tomorrow waiting for me to say I'm sorry I blew it out of proportion. If that happens I'm 100% leaving her this week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 25, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted February 25, 2019 3 minutes ago, Villan_of_oz said: That's exactly my thoughts, there is 99.9% she will come back tomorrow waiting for me to say I'm sorry I blew it out of proportion. If that happens I'm 100% leaving her this week. To be unapologetic as well is really scummy. Like I said it's easy for me to say it not being in that situation. But physical violence is something I wouldn't tolerate, and I don't think anyone else should. If she realised she'd done something wrong and was genuinely apologetic then maybe you could forgive her. I don't want to be telling you to end a relationship, but that's something I personally wouldn't tolerate. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 33 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: It's easy to say when it isn't you, but if my partner hit me like that I'd end it on the spot. This. Good for you glad your getting rid of her. No offence but she sounds horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan_of_oz Posted February 25, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted February 25, 2019 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: To be unapologetic as well is really scummy. Like I said it's easy for me to say it not being in that situation. But physical violence is something I wouldn't tolerate, and I don't think anyone else should. If she realised she'd done something wrong and was genuinely apologetic then maybe you could forgive her. I don't want to be telling you to end a relationship, but that's something I personally wouldn't tolerate. Judging by her last msgs, she is ready to leave me if I don't grow up. It's sad but I actually am hoping she comes back full of anger ready to leave me, it's going to make this a lot easier. To Dem, she sounds horrible I'm sure.... but really she is just very defensive and insecure so much so she is unable to see it. I care for her deeply as she has helped me a lot in the 11 years I've known her. I don't know how to fight it, but it's like I have fallen out of love with her over these last 5 days. I don't feel attracted to her, I don't want to confide in her and I don't want to be near her. I will probably need to post on here tomorrow when she is done telling me I'm an asshole ruining everything we've made together. The support is invaluable Edited February 25, 2019 by Villan_of_oz 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 47 minutes ago, Villan_of_oz said: Judging by her last msgs, she is ready to leave me if I don't grow up. It's sad but I actually am hoping she comes back full of anger ready to leave me, it's going to make this a lot easier. To Dem, she sounds horrible I'm sure.... but really she is just very defensive and insecure so much so she is unable to see it. I care for her deeply as she has helped me a lot in the 11 years I've known her. I don't know how to fight it, but it's like I have fallen out of love with her over these last 5 days. I don't feel attracted to her, I don't want to confide in her and I don't want to be near her. I will probably need to post on here tomorrow when she is done telling me I'm an asshole ruining everything we've made together. The support is invaluable If your not happy you should just end it mate dobt "hope" that she wilm to make life easier. I was engaged and although it was tough I broke it off and wss the best thing I did. I felt free and I felt like you did. I suspect that's how you will once its officially over. Good luck mate we are here if you need us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 (edited) I used to sometimes give my missus a slap when I was drunk, and even when I weren’t drunk we’d argue and I’d rag her. Not proud of it, but that’s how I was back then. Not laid a finger on her for about 8 years after saying I’d never do it again. Why did I do it? Well firstly I was being a clearing in the woods, but there was always a lot of inderlying anger there with me. Had very little respect for women. I’ve changed a lot and not like that anymore. Then things changed and my wife used to start hitting me. Luckily she’s not very strong, and never hurt or marked me, but that’s not the point. I’d just laugh at her which made her more pissed off. One night though I snapped. We’d gone to a concert, and she just turned for no reason. I went out after her, and she started trying to beat the crap out of me. To cut a long story short I phoned the police on her and she got locked up for the night. She’s not done it since, and that was a few years back. @Villan_of_oz basically mate it needs nipping in the bud ASAP. I definitely see why you are angry, and I’d be equally pissed off with the fact she thinks she’s done nothing wrong. Maybe you could both talk about it when it’s calmed down a little. Edited February 25, 2019 by Rugeley Villa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 Me and my wife have been having a few bickers lately. She’s got a couple of male friends who she texts a lot. She goes out drinking with the one quite a lot. Personally I think there is more to it for him, although I trust my wife. If he ever come on to her shed cut contact. The problem is if it was the other way round shed kick off. She’s even said I’m basically not to have female friends because of how I was in the past. I’m not the kind of bloke to have female friends, never have been, and probably never will. It was always about sex for me. Even when I got pally with a girl , it would get ruined because I’d end up sleeping with her. She’s using the past against me, and to be honest I felt a bit insulted. Like I said, I’m not one for female friends anyway, but it’s the fact that if I did start getting on well with another woman, it wouldn’t be tolerated. Shes been spending more social time with this other bloke who I went to school with, and lately we’ve been kind of doing our own thing and not having no quality time together. I’ve felt a bit insecure, and a bit rejected at times when she turns me down for sex when I’ve come back from work after having a few beers. Apparantly she don’t like being around me when I’m drinking. I am drinking more, but nothing stupid, it’s just becoming a regular weekly thing. It’s nowt major, and we’ve kind of sorted it out. I winded her up the other day saying I’d swapped numbers with a woman I knew. She proper went off on one It just annoys me that it’s ok for her to have male friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 15 hours ago, Villan_of_oz said: I think my wife and I are done..... She hit me in the face during an argument, all in front of her kids. She doesn't believe she has anything to apologise for and I should grow up and get over it (her words). We were meant to go away camping this weekend with other families, I didn't go and she went with her kids. A day of drunkenness and pizza, followed by a day of feeling sorry for myself. Today I have gone for a walk, tidied up and soon off to run some errands. I don't miss her and I'm happy, happiest I've been in a long time. Loving the silence and loving not walking around on eggshells. She is stubborn and will expect me to apologise upon her return, she is getting a rude shock. I've found somewhere to stay, I've priced our assets and formulated a plan ahead.... I don't really dole out the advice in here, too easy to make snap decisions based on a couple of postings. Plus some people are just with each other for good or ill. Also, if this was just a freakish one off, something that happened under stress and then got dealt with, then forget it. But it sounds a million miles from a weird one off, sounds like a miserable slippery slope. If she's not seeing the problem with physical violence in front of kids, perhaps the relationship has run it's course. For me, it would be a clear desire to fix the problem with some outside help, or pretty much all done and finished. Sorry for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 11 hours ago, Stevo985 said: It's easy to say when it isn't you, but if my partner hit me like that I'd end it on the spot. Agreed. I'd do the same. Absolutely no place for this behaviour in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 (edited) 19 hours ago, Villan_of_oz said: I think my wife and I are done..... She hit me in the face during an argument, all in front of her kids. She doesn't believe she has anything to apologise for and I should grow up and get over it (her words). We were meant to go away camping this weekend with other families, I didn't go and she went with her kids. A day of drunkenness and pizza, followed by a day of feeling sorry for myself. Today I have gone for a walk, tidied up and soon off to run some errands. I don't miss her and I'm happy, happiest I've been in a long time. Loving the silence and loving not walking around on eggshells. She is stubborn and will expect me to apologise upon her return, she is getting a rude shock. I've found somewhere to stay, I've priced our assets and formulated a plan ahead.... The bolded speaks volumes already. Sorry to hear of your troubles mate, but no-one deserves to be physically (or emotionally) abused in a relationship. She's already pushed your daughter away. How long have you been married? You say 'her' kids are 8 and 6 but you've known her 11 years? I assume you were friends for a long time? How are the finances sorted? Joint mortgage>? Joint accounts? Edited February 25, 2019 by Xela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan_of_oz Posted February 25, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted February 25, 2019 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Xela said: The bolded speaks volumes already. Sorry to hear of your troubles mate, but no-one deserves to be physically (or emotionally) abused in a relationship. She's already pushed your daughter away. How long have you been married? You say 'her' kids are 8 and 6 but you've known her 11 years? I assume you were friends for a long time? How are the finances sorted? Joint mortgage>? Joint accounts? We worked at the same place that's where i met here. In 2013 my partner at the the time died suddenly and my now wife was very caring and supportive, she was having marriage problems and we just ended up leaning on each other a lot. Then one day out of the blue she told me she loved me, which took me by surprise as she is 8 years younger and I always thought of us a just friends. The house is in my name and we have seperate accounts. Because when my partner died we had joint accounts and loans, but we hadnt been together long enough the law didnt recognise me as her partner so I got lumped with all the debt but any money went to her ex husband. I will have to sell this house to pay her off but there will be a decent amount for me. Not enough to buy again but I'm done owning I'd rather rent. Edited February 25, 2019 by Villan_of_oz 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 4 hours ago, Xela said: Agreed. I'd do the same. Absolutely no place for this behaviour in a relationship. I agree, I actually think the lack of remorse is a bigger crime tbh. The hit “may” be excused if genuine remorse and apologies. The fact it was followed by what it has followed with makes it even more significant the relationship is doomed. If one side has such little respect for the other then it’s probably got no future. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan_of_oz Posted February 26, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted February 26, 2019 2 hours ago, Genie said: I agree, I actually think the lack of remorse is a bigger crime tbh. The hit “may” be excused if genuine remorse and apologies. The fact it was followed by what it has followed with makes it even more significant the relationship is doomed. If one side has such little respect for the other then it’s probably got no future. I don't care about being hit, I got over that pretty quick. She is nearly half my size so didn't hurt that much. It's the fact that I'm still being told that I caused this, and I'm overreacting. She is due home any minute.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan_of_oz Posted February 26, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted February 26, 2019 Well she is home with the kids, we haven't said a word to each other but normally when she is pissed at me she keeps the kids away from me. The young fella came and told me all about this YouTube video he was watching. The cynic in me says she was hoping I told him to bugga off... Love is ****, I have weakened a bit since seeing her (shallow I know, but she is a good sort). I know I care about her, but right now I don't bloody want to. I just don't see how this gets sorted out if she isn't sorry.... It's a waiting game, I want her to talk first to see what the first thing she says is. Sorry for the play by play, but it helps keep me calm writing down my thoughts. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Lifeboats Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 There is no advice I could give on such a personal matter. But I hope it helps to know that others are reading your posts and empathising with you. All the best. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 On 21/02/2019 at 11:19, RimmyJimmer said: I second this. Ive just read back through your posts kurt, and it does seem to me that she has you at her beck and call. You need to do things for you, make yourself feel good, build your confidence and self esteem, learn to live for yourself, and by yourself so you don't feel as reliant on others. You are a young, fit, good looking bloke who deserves love and respect. If it's not there then don't accept anything less. Don't put up with someone who doesn't know what they want. You know what you want, the issues lie with her and what she wants. You can seriously tie yourself in knots trying to understand what someone else may want. Keep it simple, you are who you are, you want her...if she doesn't want the same then you have to move on, as hard as that may be. Only then will you get what you want. There are millions of lovely women out there mate It's not like that. She's very sure if what she wants, it's not me. She's happy on her own for now and there's nothing I can do to change that. She's being a bit distant, which I understand, but hopefully there will be some sort of friendship at the end of this. She was my friend first, then became my absolute best friend. I didn't want a relationship in the first place because I was worried about losing my best friend. She said that we're both good people, and if it doesn't work it's simply because it hasn't worked and we won't have done anything to one another to end things badly. That's exactly what has happened. I'm certainly not at her call, she's been supportive of what I've tried to do to get over her, and I very much so want a friendship after this. Not least because our social lives have a bit of a crossover. I know where I stand with her, I accept that, I think it'll be both healthy and a growing experience for me to remain friends with her. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NurembergVillan Posted February 26, 2019 Moderator Share Posted February 26, 2019 4 hours ago, Villan_of_oz said: Sorry for the play by play, but it helps keep me calm writing down my thoughts. This is what we're here for. No need to apologise for anything. We're on your team. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 4 hours ago, kurtsimonw said: It's not like that. She's very sure if what she wants, it's not me. She's happy on her own for now and there's nothing I can do to change that. She's being a bit distant, which I understand, but hopefully there will be some sort of friendship at the end of this. She was my friend first, then became my absolute best friend. I didn't want a relationship in the first place because I was worried about losing my best friend. She said that we're both good people, and if it doesn't work it's simply because it hasn't worked and we won't have done anything to one another to end things badly. That's exactly what has happened. I'm certainly not at her call, she's been supportive of what I've tried to do to get over her, and I very much so want a friendship after this. Not least because our social lives have a bit of a crossover. I know where I stand with her, I accept that, I think it'll be both healthy and a growing experience for me to remain friends with her. That all sounds fine, just however long you think it'll take to get to that point, add a month or two on top. Or at the least, just force yourself to go on a random date a couple of times to help you orientate your mind towards other people. Also have to bear in mind, how many close intimate friendships can you hold at once? Once you or she finds a new person to be close with and share all the intimate feelings, it can be a bit odd working out what the nature of the relationship with the ex is going to be. It sounds like you are communicating with her fine enough, and I hope it works out well for you. I'd just be trying to think what kind of relationship with her you'd envisage happening. Being close confidants in a platonic sense, is possible, but definitely needs a healthy gap to allow you both to mentally prepare for new relationships, establish those new relationships and then find time around that to rebuild your friendship. The being distant thing is essential by the way It's not a snub, it's just an acknowledgement that by staying too close too quickly, you risk being stuck in a place where you don't move forward, or you find yourself completely blindsided when she finds someone new. Obviously you don't need to eliminate all contact, and be friendly and supportive if needed etc, no need to be a cold bastard or anything. My two long term relationships that ended, were on decent terms, most recently really quite friendly, but contact between us has just dropped off to near zero aside from practicalities of sorting out occasional stray post etc. We have new people we respectively love sharing our lives with. Of course in both of my cases our only relationship was dating, so perhaps being friends first gives you something to re-orient too. I do genuinely hope it works out for the best obviously, its perfectly possible, you and her know your situations much better than anyone else obviously, but just time might be longer than you're anticipating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 Yea, when new people get involved that usually signals the end of comms from one side. Your new girlfriend who is trying to get to know you and build up trust with, isn't going to love it when you're being mates with someone you're obviously very fond of, she ended it with you, so essentially you were still committed and have known intimately. It just doesn't work, unless that person is really mentally strong and trusting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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