Rodders Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 (edited) Hmm, well I think three years is going to end fairly soon. To be fair, it's not completely unexpected, as the issue is Kids. I want them, albeit happy to wait, whereas she has decided she doesn't think she could ever have them. It's been coming, her decision as I knew she had some reservations, but over the past year, I think having more friends with newborns etc. has pushed her into the "oh sh*t,oh sh*t,oh sh*t,oh sh*t," mindset. Not a total surprise as she has had serious anxiety / mental health issues, so I think the prospect of extending responsibility outside what she can manage was always unlikely, but I was hoping as time progressed things may have gotten easier. She has just begun therapy for her long term issues, which is good, but I'm not sure that would make too much difference for us. I mean, the kid thing isn't the only issue, we are different people, and she's always had a low energy ( and not often active) element which has frustrated me - attempts to do stuff like together, like swimming or dancing have foundered as she's become very self conscious and withdraws into herself. She's always someone I think who could happily live their whole life under a blanket! But in her positive column has always been a fundamental decency and loving heart, she likes cosy and comfy so despite her limited ambitions, and our different hobbies, the whole being fundamentally nice has always played heavily in her favour, even if at times I've thought the relationship was probably never more than a solid and reliable 6/10. Her confidence issues and withdrawn nature, often mean that I've ended up doing lot's of the housework too, not that she won't do it, but when she's consumed by her own issues, she 'forgets' so little stuff like that has always been an added strain, and so of late I have been thinking regularly of the prospect of dating other people in a distant future which is pretty definitive! My mind is wandering. A distance that has drawn closer in my mind, so I know rationally it is for the best coming from an outsider perspective on it, but last night was the first time discussion involving the term break up etc. was articulated which made it all a bit more real. I couched it in a case of "we may need to break up", as the Kid thing is a useful 'out' so I don't have to bring up other concerns into the conversation, as I'm happy to stay friends and manage the break up as gently as possible. I think the moment I mentioned break ups, she panically made reference to possibly changing her mind, as the prospect of a break up terrifies her, but sadly I think it's inevitable. Mentioning the prospect now, and saying let me think about what I need for a couple of weeks at least gives her a chance to prime herself to the reality of it all. Maybe I should be 'harsher' and say this it begone, but I'm not in a huge rush to chuck away hugs and comfort either - and kids whilst in the future wouldn't have been on the cards for at least 18 months or so. Edited January 31, 2018 by Rodders 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted January 31, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted January 31, 2018 (edited) @Rodders I went through exactly the same thing three years ago, although it took me 6 years to get to that point. It's a very tough situation to extricate yourself from but I'm fairly sure you will look back on it as a necessary thing. If your heart isn't in it, you're not being fair to either of you in prolonging it. I'm still very good friends with the girl in question and am still able to be a support through her various "troubles" and I think she now appreciates* why the break up had to happen and the way it was managed with as little negative impact as possible. *She may well tell a different story though. Edited January 31, 2018 by choffer 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Aye, it's going to be tough confirming it I think, as she was asking if we were all broken up last night as she was all very upset, and in that moment I slightly caved and said, not entirely untruthfully, that I needed to think about it, but I did make sure I explicitly said, if I do want them it's game over and we will need to break up "so prepare for that being a real option". In writing this I think it's the first time I'll have ended a relationship in 12 years Probably why it feels so odd. Previous two I've been the dumpee :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted January 31, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted January 31, 2018 Sounds very much like you are me, in an alternative universe. All very natural things you're feeling. Just know your mind, don't be dissuaded once you've made your decision but always choose kindness over winning any dispute. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 The conflict of knowing it's over and not wanting to end it is a tough one. I was in a similar situation, but not as serious. It's like I was waiting for an eventual trigger that never came. Before we broke up, I was excited about the opportunity to meet someone new. Now I'm already fatigued from it. The first stages of getting to know someone and the fakeness of dating is so tedious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 31, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted January 31, 2018 Yeah some of that sounds quite familiar. The kids thing could be an issue for me. She wants them. The more time goes on the more I don't. I've never told her that. The confidence thing too. My OH is hot. But she genuinely thinks she's ugly. And fat. Like seriously thinks that. At first it was quite endearing, but these days it's actually quite grating. A bit of confidence is attractive and she has zero. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 17 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: The confidence thing too. My OH is hot. But she genuinely thinks she's ugly. And fat. Like seriously thinks that. At first it was quite endearing, but these days it's actually quite grating. A bit of confidence is attractive and she has zero. Yep, it's really cute at first then it's like STFU FFS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 1 hour ago, StefanAVFC said: . Before we broke up, I was excited about the opportunity to meet someone new. Now I'm already fatigued from it. The first stages of getting to know someone and the fakeness of dating is so tedious. Yeah I agree before i met my girlfriend I found this. Being single these days and the way dating is is shite nowdays Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chindie Posted January 31, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted January 31, 2018 Complement seeking is an incredibly unattractive thing. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 31, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted January 31, 2018 30 minutes ago, Chindie said: Complement seeking is an incredibly unattractive thing. If my post is the one you're referring to here then I can guarantee you that's not what she's doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chindie Posted January 31, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted January 31, 2018 2 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: If my post is the one you're referring to here then I can guarantee you that's not what she's doing. I was. Fair enough. I just find it very hard to believe many reasonably attractive and not overweight woman genuinely believe they are ugly and fat. Of course there some people that have that mentality, unfortunately, but I've seen and heard it too often (from friends/colleagues for reference, it's not something I've ever had personally within a relationship). Hence complement seeking. Or reassurance. But fair enough in your case. As said there are some that genuinely are like that and have a flawed view of themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted January 31, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted January 31, 2018 Compliment, not complement. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I'm the opposite, I'm fat and ugly, but **** me I'm gorgeous. rock n roll. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wazzap24 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 15 minutes ago, lapal_fan said: I'm the opposite, I'm fat and ugly, but **** me I'm gorgeous. rock n roll. Nowt wrong with a bit of self confidence. I used to open with 'fancy this resting on your back love?' Whilst wobbling my not inconsiderable girth about. I was a virgin until 35, then boom, one day I tripped over my OH's guide dog and we've never looked back. Confidence is key. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 31, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted January 31, 2018 17 minutes ago, Chindie said: I was. Fair enough. I just find it very hard to believe many reasonably attractive and not overweight woman genuinely believe they are ugly and fat. Of course there some people that have that mentality, unfortunately, but I've seen and heard it too often (from friends/colleagues for reference, it's not something I've ever had personally within a relationship). Hence complement seeking. Or reassurance. But fair enough in your case. As said there are some that genuinely are like that and have a flawed view of themselves. It's definitely not seeking compliments. Her whole family are the same to be honest. It's almost paranoia. They're all incredibly self conscious of how they look. But not in a vanity way really. I can't really explain it. It's like they constantly think people are looking at them, negatively. For the OH it's just a complete lack of confidence in her looks. She genuinely doesn't see that she's attractive. I don't think I have ever heard her say anything complimentary about the way she looks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 1 hour ago, Stevo985 said: If my post is the one you're referring to here then I can guarantee you that's not what she's doing. Same with my wife Ben. She's hot (IMO!) but completely lacks self confidence in that regard. This is compounded by her bulemia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 (edited) My wife is pretty attractive tbf. I always thought years ago she was way too good for me. I was wrong, and I don't mean that in a bad way. She's very confident, and can turn it on in an instant. She doesn't love herself though. The thing is, she's always thought the same about me in terms of being too good for her, and that's she's done well to keep me crazy ain't it. She has the same issues as a lot of women, not happy with her weight etc etc. Never thought it would last, im surprised it has. Her drug consumption impressed me when we first got together, and she loved a day in the boozer, so we were like two peas in a pod. She's made mistakes, we all have, but she's a great girl. Edited January 31, 2018 by Rugeley Villa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 15 hours ago, mjmooney said: Compliment, not complement. Feels good to not be the one for once 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villakram Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 On 1/31/2018 at 08:15, Rodders said: Aye, it's going to be tough confirming it I think, as she was asking if we were all broken up last night as she was all very upset, and in that moment I slightly caved and said, not entirely untruthfully, that I needed to think about it, but I did make sure I explicitly said, if I do want them it's game over and we will need to break up "so prepare for that being a real option". In writing this I think it's the first time I'll have ended a relationship in 12 years Probably why it feels so odd. Previous two I've been the dumpee :/ Make sure you're double bagging until things get figured out! Really bad decisions get made in times like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted February 1, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted February 1, 2018 23 hours ago, Chindie said: I was. Fair enough. I just find it very hard to believe many reasonably attractive and not overweight woman genuinely believe they are ugly and fat. Of course there some people that have that mentality, unfortunately, but I've seen and heard it too often (from friends/colleagues for reference, it's not something I've ever had personally within a relationship). Hence complement seeking. Or reassurance. But fair enough in your case. As said there are some that genuinely are like that and have a flawed view of themselves. I think it's similar (to an extent) to how we now understand depression. "The world is black, my life is black, there is no possibility of any joy in my life." That's your brain telling you lies. In the same way, a lot of people have a dysfunctional view of themselves aesthetically. Like Ben, my other half is attractive (more so than I'd ever had expected to bag) and very trim yet she genuinely has confidence issues with both aspects. She's able to objectively see that she is not unattractive and that she's not fat in any way but that doesn't stop her brain trying to convince her otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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