brommy Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 2 minutes ago, chrisp65 said: You don't constantly remind her that the school meeting is on Thursday and little Isabella is still shitting weird after that tummy upset. You don't chastise her for leaving a soup bowl in a kitchen you've spent all day cleaning up. You understand her work and what it's like to work there. You are a novelty, you haven't slipped in to shagging pretty much the same way for 20 years. A tale as old as time, slight twist with it being a house husband and you not being a secretary. Life is messy. Only you can decide. Could be real, could be the classic midlife crisis. Very, very much this.^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HanoiVillan Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 What @chrisp65 said. Also, @Midfielder, I don't think you're a word removed, but you do need to do some thinking: is she going to leave him? Do you have any actual evidence for that? Because buying an enormous house together is pretty weighty evidence to the contrary. And do you actually want to live together long-term, to have the samey sex and the arguments about bin liners and making the bed and emptying recycling boxes, or are you just enjoying some hot illicit sex? And if you do, and if she does leave him, are you prepared for a decade or more of arguing about custody and visitation with children and an angry father who will all regard you as the sole reason for the breakdown of their marriage? It's complicated stuff, and I wouldn't presume to judge, but the reason these situations go south so often is that there are many individual failure points, and a complete failure only requires things to go wrong at one of those, while a successful outcome for everyone requires success at every turn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 1 hour ago, HanoiVillan said: Obviously I have some sympathy, but this does come across a bit Old Testament. How? Modern life is busy busy busy. I don't have sex as much as I did pre-baby. That's with 1, never mind two. Myself and my wife get an hour on the sofa to watch tv before bed on week nights, and it's basically the same on the weekends because you know junior will wake up at 7 latest. At best, he has the fairy tale relationship, wrecking a marriage and upsetting kids that aren't his own, but becomes step dad. At worst she just calls time on her fling and he's wasted his own time and energy and has the unenviable tag of knowing adulterer. Sounds brilliant. There are so many available people who would go down a normal and non upsetting route. As I said, imagine sleeping with someone you know is already in a relationship happy enough that at some point wanted to spend their lives together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 I can definitely see why people have affairs and I imagine it can be very exciting. It's been 8 years with my wife and it seems there is more bad than good at times, plus the sex is much less frequent and nowhere near as good as it used to be, but I blame myself for that. Sometimes I get stuck in a rut but I honestly don't think I'm capable of having an affair anymore. Last year my wife went to Birmingham with her mate and whilst they were having dinner she accidentally rang me. I overheard her and her mate talking about cheating in the past and also wanting to go with other people. I was listening to this for a minute then couldn't bare to listen to anymore so I stupidly put the phone down. I calmly rang her up, but couldn't control my anger so gave her both barrels down the phone. Apparently I'd heard it wrong, but I don't know. There was nothing I could actually pin her down properly for, and maybe I was reading too much into it. To this day I know what I heard, or should I say I think I know what I heard. It's been forgotten about now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HanoiVillan Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 29 minutes ago, lapal_fan said: How? Modern life is busy busy busy. I don't have sex as much as I did pre-baby. That's with 1, never mind two. Myself and my wife get an hour on the sofa to watch tv before bed on week nights, and it's basically the same on the weekends because you know junior will wake up at 7 latest. At best, he has the fairy tale relationship, wrecking a marriage and upsetting kids that aren't his own, but becomes step dad. At worst she just calls time on her fling and he's wasted his own time and energy and has the unenviable tag of knowing adulterer. Sounds brilliant. There are so many available people who would go down a normal and non upsetting route. As I said, imagine sleeping with someone you know is already in a relationship happy enough that at some point wanted to spend their lives together. Well, 'at best' would seem to be him being the catalyst for the end of a loveless marriage. Who knows if that's really the case; certainly neither you nor I. But there's a reason this woman is sleeping with him - whatever that reason is, from 'she just loves sex' to 'she's deeply unhappy' and through all points in-between, she felt the desire to a] cheat on her husband, and b] continue cheating on him repeatedly. In reality, around 50% (I seem to recall?) of marriages end in divorce, many of those caused by infidelity. This isn't some weird or incredible situation, it's replicated thousands of times across the land. 'It's wrong and you should be ashamed of yourself' is an understandable emotional reaction, but it doesn't get to the heart of why vast numbers of people in monogamous sexual relationships cheat on their partners. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a m ole Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 @Midfielder wading into your personal life here. My advice would be to talk to her about the future of your relationship together, and give an ultimatum. All or nothing, because if she is still invested in her marriage the only person who gets hurt by carrying on is you, down the road. Be honest, be appreciative of the time you’ve spent together so far and definitely don’t accuse her of using you if it’s not a long term thing for her. Remember she might also have reservations about your commitment. She might not know herself what this is. If she knows you’re in it for real, it might make it easier for her to realise how she really feels. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djdabush Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 I just typed out a whole paragraph about how she should deal with her marriage first before you consider a relationship and then deleted it because it sounded a bit preachy. I think it's probably better to tell you about my experience being on the other end. I've been in 2 long term relationship in which I was cheated on. Both times I now know I was basically described as a poor boyfriend with little in common with my girlfriend. This was definitely not the case as both times we were extremely close when we first together (similar to how you describe your relationship now) but of course after years things calm down, routines set in, little gripes are not uncommon. I'm pretty sure that in both case they told the other bloke involved how terrible the relationship was not only to make him feel less uncomfortable about it but more importantly make themselves feel less guilty. Both times they were sleeping with me whilst tell the other guy that we weren't sharing beds or that we'd completely grown apart. I can look on it now and see that clearly it was for the best but at the time it was heartbreaking and can still say that it affects me a decade on. Its probably worth pointing out that in both cases they are not with the person they broke up with me for despite them apparently being 'soulmates'. Ultimately it's up to you how you play and most of the time people go with their hearts rather than their heads in this situation but as others how pointed out it's not a particularly unfamiliar story. My advice in my original post ended that you should take a step back and see what decision she makes about her marriage before you get any more deeply involved, I'd still recommend that becaus ultimately she should split up with hubby because she's unhappy with the way that relationship is going, rather than because she wants to be with you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Midfielder Posted October 21, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted October 21, 2017 4 hours ago, lapal_fan said: I think you should be ashamed to be honest. You obviously don't know the potential damage you'll be doing to those kids, especially if they find out (when dad finds out, he'll use your relationship with his wife to turn his kids against her). Hey @lapal_fan thanks for the honest reply. I read your reply, and it did actually hit home about selfishness and well I guess I cant argue with your post at all. Respect your opinion though. I have been a bit blinkered by the last few weeks, this sort of thing I have never been part of before. I'm not sure how it is going to play out. nobody I know has given me both barrels like you did, a different take on things and I guess I needed that. Cheers, in a way. 2 hours ago, Ingram85 said: Does this make sense? Am I a word removed? @Ingram85 yes it does to me, I have jumped the gun too soon, it just happened but we both wanted it to. The bad news is, you're going to hell with me, but you'll just burn a little, i'll get ass-pokered with a trident for eternity. Still though I get what you mean at first the togetherness and hand holding. The rest didn't come instantly after but headed that way almost destined. Soulmates, truly. In this month, i got to know someone who i waited my whole life to meet and not being dismissive there. 2 hours ago, brommy said: Do you have anything more than her word that she isn't currently intimate with her husband? Nope . But i fully believe it and sensed this well before i found out for myself. I hear you, could be bull. Could be being used. The discussions leading up to the acts, and the line we were consciously on the verge of crossing also showed me she hadn't done this before. anyway Thanks Brommy, regarding potential custody, and how it works. I have dated single mums in the past and am fine with kids, haven't any of my own. If, it actually blossoms, and if, two big ifs so far i guess with low chances of fruition, then i would totally personally and financially be willing to do whatever is necessary. But anyway thanks. 2 hours ago, chrisp65 said: A tale as old as time, slight twist with it being a house husband and you not being a secretary. Life is messy. Only you can decide. Could be real, could be the classic midlife crisis. Thanks Chris, again honesty and both barrels. Respected opinion as ever. This is weird but my sort of close knit group of mates haven't said this sort of thing except be careful... not laddish "waheys" or anything just be careful. My bubble isn't burst by the comments, but i am sort of taking my head out the clouds and looking below. and feeling a bit of a c word but despite that, as daft as this is, i kind of wished i had met her ten years ago, but as it is weve met now. We have already had the discussion about the future and their breaking up. I know that is sh-- for the other guy, i have been selfish. Its not even me acting from low self esteem or anything like that, its just if i met her in any other way id have felt the same. But hey. What you say about the regularities of parenthood, all of which are alien to me about the practiclaties of their kids and stuff, that is something i haven't given much thought to but we have had discussions in this regard. 29 minutes ago, a m ole said: My advice would be to talk to her about the future of your relationship together, and give an ultimatum. All or nothing, because if she is still invested in her marriage the only person who gets hurt by carrying on is you, down the road. Be honest, be appreciative of the time you’ve spent together so far and definitely don’t accuse her of using you if it’s not a long term thing for her. @a m ole Thanks bud. yeah we have had all the serious conversations and pretty much did right near the crossing the line. I mean real in depth stuff right down to the small details and so forth. I haven't given an ultimatum but ill keep an eye on it. It has been an absolutely magical whirlwind of a month with no sign of any spark fading. I know novelty, this isn't that. Despite the infidelity, which is bad basis for any potential relationship to start... i can get past that and actually trust. But i do hear you and if i am to continue to be sensible about it. and considerate. Awkward timing as they are moving house and have been in that pipeline for over a year with this n that collapsing again and again within their chain but all going through soon. So that, is double C word on me, for the timing of my entering their lives in this matter. 31 minutes ago, djdabush said: I just typed out a whole paragraph about how she should deal with her marriage first before you consider a relationship and then deleted it because it sounded a bit preachy. I think it's probably better to tell you about my experience being on the other end. I've been in 2 long term relationship in which I was cheated on. Both times I now know I was basically described as a poor boyfriend with little in common with my girlfriend. This was definitely not the case as both times we were extremely close when we first together (similar to how you describe your relationship now) but of course after years things calm down, routines set in, little gripes are not uncommon. I'm pretty sure that in both case they told the other bloke involved how terrible the relationship was not only to make him feel less uncomfortable about it but more importantly make themselves feel less guilty. Both times they were sleeping with me whilst tell the other guy that we weren't sharing beds or that we'd completely grown apart. I can look on it now and see that clearly it was for the best but at the time it was heartbreaking and can still say that it affects me a decade on. Its probably worth pointing out that in both cases they are not with the person they broke up with me for despite them apparently being 'soulmates'. Ultimately it's up to you how you play and most of the time people go with their hearts rather than their heads in this situation but as others how pointed out it's not a particularly unfamiliar story. My advice in my original post ended that you should take a step back and see what decision she makes about her marriage before you get any more deeply involved, I'd still recommend that becaus ultimately she should split up with hubby because she's unhappy with the way that relationship is going, rather than because she wants to be with you. @djdabush thanks - i will take a step back. last paragraph there is key. I'll sort of carry on the way we are going, its started and underway afterall. but not get carried away and like Brommy says too , about being careful. I will ANYWAY. Listen lads, thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I am glad i posted it as of all places, the internet, ive come away with some different thoughts ranging from what a C word i have been, but now its underway, to be mindful of authenticity i guess, and as said since its underway... to not totally fk things up. For the record im an all round nice guy not a C word to anyone, but can see ive come across as one to this husband and the kids. Seriously though, thanks. Ages ago, i said i would post up o this thread when i actually got my arse in gear to join a dating site, all the above in original post happened literally the week i uploaded profile blurb and ill continue with that, but just in case. I'll not post updates on this affair (which in my mind i guess ive been blocking as a definition for what this is) but until anything else that's all it is. still again cheers all the best. kick off time 3pm 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted October 23, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted October 23, 2017 On 10/20/2017 at 12:25, BOF said: Sounds like he'll definitely find it this weekend. It was a big weekend alright. I'm still struggling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 I have an update: Girl broke up with boyfriend. We took a bit of a step back from everything (both busy) but we caught up on Saturday and everything is fine. So we will take it slow. Both of us are just out of long term things so neither of us are keen to jump straight in. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 2 hours ago, StefanAVFC said: I have an update: Girl broke up with boyfriend. We took a bit of a step back from everything (both busy) but we caught up on Saturday and everything is fine. So we will take it slow. Both of us are just out of long term things so neither of us are keen to jump straight in. Have you DHUTWU yet? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted October 26, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted October 26, 2017 On 04/09/2017 at 11:15, choffer said: The stress of meeting someone so unutterably lovely that you're desperate not to mess it up. I'm 44, ffs! Turns out she wasn't that lovely after all. We go again. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davkaus Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 You can't just leave it like that @choffer Story time! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted October 26, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted October 26, 2017 Ah now, there's not all that much to tell. In short, she was afflicted with unrealistic levels of expectation. Unfortunately this seems to be the case with so many people these days. If things aren't going exactly how they want it, they throw a wobbly and you're in trouble. Apparently I was being a whiny bitch for mentioning the fact that she kept cancelling our arrangements at the last minute and doing something else. Better off without. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 (edited) 1 hour ago, choffer said: Ah now, there's not all that much to tell. In short, she was afflicted with unrealistic levels of expectation. Unfortunately this seems to be the case with so many people these days. If things aren't going exactly how they want it, they throw a wobbly and you're in trouble. Apparently I was being a whiny bitch for mentioning the fact that she kept cancelling our arrangements at the last minute and doing something else. Better off without. Yeah sounds like she was testing you to see how would react. Some women I dont get this. One did this to me, I didnt even react i just ignored her. Drove her crazy as she was wondering if i was angry/upset/not bothered etc. The silence killed her. Then the next date she didn't dare cancel on me. Went on the date Then I dumped her You are better off without Edited October 26, 2017 by Demitri_C Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RimmyJimmer Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 5 hours ago, choffer said: Ah now, there's not all that much to tell. In short, she was afflicted with unrealistic levels of expectation. Unfortunately this seems to be the case with so many people these days. If things aren't going exactly how they want it, they throw a wobbly and you're in trouble. See steve bruce, eu in or out and any politics thread....this behaviour is quite the norm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PieFacE Posted October 28, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted October 28, 2017 Guess it's been brewing for a little while, but think I'm about to split with my girlfriend. Gutted about the situation but think it's for the best. The worst thing about it is that I'm more gutted about never seeing the dog again, I think that says it all about our relationship. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PompeyVillan Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 After years of anti kids stuff from the Mrs, I'm now getting the 'I want a child's stuff. I'm surprised and also a bit bewildered, I've never really wanted children but have never ruled it out. I never say never, by my feelings about having kids are reserved to say the least. I don't really want the dramatic change in lifestyle and not sure I want to be a parent, but I don't want to deny her a child if that's what she really wants. I've told her I'm considering it because I am, but really I'm reluctant. I feel as if the goalposts have been moved a bit, and I'm already feeling guilty about my reservations. I'm getting annoyed with being asked almost every day 'can we have a baby'? I can't say yes or no because she'll hold me to either answer but I know deep down that the fact I have to think about it means that I will need to come to terms with the idea rather than really want it. It's getting me down because since we got together she was against having kids, so it's a bit of a suprise to me that she now so desperately wants them. We only got married recently despite being together a while. I've told her to give it a few months and see if she still feels the same way. What a predicament. I'm sure if we do have a child there are loads of things I'll love about it, but I can't get my head around the complete 360 it'll have on my life. I feel like its something I can't say no to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 10 hours ago, PieFacE said: Guess it's been brewing for a little while, but think I'm about to split with my girlfriend. Gutted about the situation but think it's for the best. The worst thing about it is that I'm more gutted about never seeing the dog again, I think that says it all about our relationship. Sorry to hear that bud, but that bit about the dog made me laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted October 29, 2017 VT Supporter Share Posted October 29, 2017 7 hours ago, PompeyVillan said: After years of anti kids stuff from the Mrs, I'm now getting the 'I want a child's stuff. I'm surprised and also a bit bewildered, I've never really wanted children but have never ruled it out. I never say never, by my feelings about having kids are reserved to say the least. I don't really want the dramatic change in lifestyle and not sure I want to be a parent, but I don't want to deny her a child if that's what she really wants. I've told her I'm considering it because I am, but really I'm reluctant. I feel as if the goalposts have been moved a bit, and I'm already feeling guilty about my reservations. I'm getting annoyed with being asked almost every day 'can we have a baby'? I can't say yes or no because she'll hold me to either answer but I know deep down that the fact I have to think about it means that I will need to come to terms with the idea rather than really want it. It's getting me down because since we got together she was against having kids, so it's a bit of a suprise to me that she now so desperately wants them. We only got married recently despite being together a while. I've told her to give it a few months and see if she still feels the same way. What a predicament. I'm sure if we do have a child there are loads of things I'll love about it, but I can't get my head around the complete 360 it'll have on my life. I feel like its something I can't say no to. It's going to happen, and it'll be fine. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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