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Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread


irreverentad

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2 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

You don't constantly remind her that the school meeting is on Thursday and little Isabella is still shitting weird after that tummy upset.

You don't chastise her for leaving a soup bowl in a kitchen you've spent all day cleaning up.

You understand her work and what it's like to work there.

You are a novelty, you haven't slipped in to shagging pretty much the same way for 20 years.

A tale as old as time, slight twist with it being a house husband and you not being a secretary.

Life is messy. Only you can decide. Could be real, could be the classic midlife crisis.

Very, very much this.^

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What @chrisp65 said. 

Also, @Midfielder, I don't think you're a word removed, but you do need to do some thinking: is she going to leave him? Do you have any actual evidence for that? Because buying an enormous house together is pretty weighty evidence to the contrary. And do you actually want to live together long-term, to have the samey sex and the arguments about bin liners and making the bed and emptying recycling boxes, or are you just enjoying some hot illicit sex? And if you do, and if she does leave him, are you prepared for a decade or more of arguing about custody and visitation with children and an angry father who will all regard you as the sole reason for the breakdown of their marriage? 

It's complicated stuff, and I wouldn't presume to judge, but the reason these situations go south so often is that there are many individual failure points, and a complete failure only requires things to go wrong at one of those, while a successful outcome for everyone requires success at every turn. 

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1 hour ago, HanoiVillan said:

Obviously I have some sympathy, but this does come across a bit Old Testament. 

How?

 

Modern life is busy busy busy. 

I don't have sex as much as I did pre-baby.  That's with 1, never mind two. 

Myself and my wife get an hour on the sofa to watch tv before bed on week nights, and it's basically the same on the weekends because you know junior will wake up at 7 latest.

At best, he has the fairy tale relationship, wrecking a marriage and upsetting kids that aren't his own, but becomes step dad.

At worst she just calls time on her fling and he's wasted his own time and energy and has the unenviable tag of knowing adulterer.

Sounds brilliant.

There are so many available people who would go down a normal and non upsetting route.  As I said, imagine sleeping with someone you know is already in a relationship happy enough that at some point wanted to spend their lives together.

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I can definitely see why people have affairs and I imagine it can be very exciting.  It's been 8 years with my wife and it seems there is more bad than good at times, plus the sex is much less frequent and nowhere near as good as it used to be, but I blame myself for that. Sometimes I get stuck in a rut but I honestly don't think I'm capable of having an affair anymore. Last year my wife went to Birmingham with her mate and whilst they were having dinner she accidentally rang me. I overheard her and her mate talking about cheating in the past and also wanting to go with other people. I was listening to this for a minute then couldn't bare to listen to anymore so I stupidly put the phone down. I calmly rang her up, but couldn't control my anger so gave her both barrels down the phone. Apparently I'd heard it wrong, but I don't know. There was nothing I could actually pin her down properly for, and maybe I was reading too much into it. To this day I know what I heard, or should I say I think I know what I heard. It's been forgotten about now. 

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29 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

How?

 

Modern life is busy busy busy. 

I don't have sex as much as I did pre-baby.  That's with 1, never mind two. 

Myself and my wife get an hour on the sofa to watch tv before bed on week nights, and it's basically the same on the weekends because you know junior will wake up at 7 latest.

At best, he has the fairy tale relationship, wrecking a marriage and upsetting kids that aren't his own, but becomes step dad.

At worst she just calls time on her fling and he's wasted his own time and energy and has the unenviable tag of knowing adulterer.

Sounds brilliant.

There are so many available people who would go down a normal and non upsetting route.  As I said, imagine sleeping with someone you know is already in a relationship happy enough that at some point wanted to spend their lives together.

Well, 'at best' would seem to be him being the catalyst for the end of a loveless marriage. Who knows if that's really the case; certainly neither you nor I. But there's a reason this woman is sleeping with him - whatever that reason is, from 'she just loves sex' to 'she's deeply unhappy' and through all points in-between, she felt the desire to a] cheat on her husband, and b] continue cheating on him repeatedly. 

In reality, around 50% (I seem to recall?) of marriages end in divorce, many of those caused by infidelity. This isn't some weird or incredible situation, it's replicated thousands of times across the land. 'It's wrong and you should be ashamed of yourself' is an understandable emotional reaction, but it doesn't get to the heart of why vast numbers of people in monogamous sexual relationships cheat on their partners. 

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@Midfielder wading into your personal life here.

My advice would be to talk to her about the future of your relationship together, and give an ultimatum. All or nothing, because if she is still invested in her marriage the only person who gets hurt by carrying on is you, down the road. Be honest, be appreciative of the time you’ve spent together so far and definitely don’t accuse her of using you if it’s not a long term thing for her.

Remember she might also have reservations about your commitment. She might not know herself what this is. If she knows you’re in it for real, it might make it easier for her to realise how she really feels.

Good luck

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I just typed out a whole paragraph about how she should deal with her marriage first before you consider a relationship and then deleted it because it sounded a bit preachy. I think it's probably better to tell you about my experience being on the other end. I've been in 2 long term relationship in which I was cheated on. Both times I now know I was basically described as a poor boyfriend with little in common with my girlfriend. This was definitely not the case as both times we were extremely close when we first together (similar to how you describe your relationship now) but of course after years things calm down, routines set in, little gripes are not uncommon. I'm pretty sure that in both case they told the other bloke involved how terrible the relationship was not only to make him feel less uncomfortable about it but more importantly make themselves feel less guilty. Both times they were sleeping with me whilst tell the other guy that we weren't sharing beds or that we'd completely grown apart.

I can look on it now and see that clearly it was for the best but at the time it was heartbreaking and can still say that it affects me a decade on. 

Its probably worth pointing out that in both cases they are not with the person they broke up with me for despite them apparently being 'soulmates'. Ultimately it's up to you how you play and most of the time people go with their hearts rather than their heads in this situation but as others how pointed out it's not a particularly unfamiliar story. 

My advice in my original post ended that you should take a step back and see what decision she makes about her marriage before you get any more deeply involved, I'd still recommend that becaus ultimately she should split up with hubby because she's unhappy with the way that relationship is going, rather than because she wants to be with you. 

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I have an update:

Girl broke up with boyfriend. We took a bit of a step back from everything (both busy) but we caught up on Saturday and everything is fine. So we will take it slow. Both of us are just out of long term things so neither of us are keen to jump straight in.

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2 hours ago, StefanAVFC said:

I have an update:

Girl broke up with boyfriend. We took a bit of a step back from everything (both busy) but we caught up on Saturday and everything is fine. So we will take it slow. Both of us are just out of long term things so neither of us are keen to jump straight in.

Have you DHUTWU yet? 

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On 04/09/2017 at 11:15, choffer said:

The stress of meeting someone so unutterably lovely that you're desperate not to mess it up.

I'm 44, ffs!

Turns out she wasn't that lovely after all.

 

We go again.   :unsure:

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Ah now, there's not all that much to tell. In short, she was afflicted with unrealistic levels of expectation. Unfortunately this seems to be the case with so many people these days. If things aren't going exactly how they want it, they throw a wobbly and you're in trouble. Apparently I was being a whiny bitch for mentioning the fact that she kept cancelling our arrangements at the last minute and doing something else.

Better off without.

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1 hour ago, choffer said:

Ah now, there's not all that much to tell. In short, she was afflicted with unrealistic levels of expectation. Unfortunately this seems to be the case with so many people these days. If things aren't going exactly how they want it, they throw a wobbly and you're in trouble. Apparently I was being a whiny bitch for mentioning the fact that she kept cancelling our arrangements at the last minute and doing something else.

Better off without.

Yeah sounds like she was testing you to see how would react. Some women I dont get this.

One did this to me, I didnt even react i just ignored her. Drove her crazy as she was wondering if i was angry/upset/not bothered etc. The silence killed her. Then the next date she didn't dare cancel on me.

Went on the date

Then I dumped her  :)  You are better off without 

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5 hours ago, choffer said:

Ah now, there's not all that much to tell. In short, she was afflicted with unrealistic levels of expectation. Unfortunately this seems to be the case with so many people these days. If things aren't going exactly how they want it, they throw a wobbly and you're in trouble. 

See steve bruce, eu in or out and any politics thread....this behaviour is quite the norm.

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Guess it's been brewing for a little while, but think I'm about to split with my girlfriend. Gutted about the situation but think it's for the best.

 

The worst thing about it is that I'm more gutted about never seeing the dog again, I think that says it all about our relationship. 

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After years of anti kids stuff from the Mrs, I'm now getting the 'I want a child's stuff. I'm surprised and also a bit bewildered, I've never really wanted children but have never ruled it out. I never say never, by my feelings about having kids are reserved to say the least. 

I don't really want the dramatic change in lifestyle and not sure I want to be a parent, but I don't want to deny her a child if that's what she really wants. I've told her I'm considering it because I am, but really I'm reluctant. I feel as if the goalposts have been moved a bit, and I'm already feeling guilty about my reservations. 

I'm getting annoyed with being asked almost every day 'can we have a baby'? I can't say yes or no because she'll hold me to either answer but I know deep down that the fact I have to think about it means that I will need to come to terms with the idea rather than really want it. It's getting me down because since we got together she was against having kids, so it's a bit of a suprise to me that she now so desperately wants them. 

We only got married recently despite being together a while. I've told her to give it a few months and see if she still feels the same way. 

What a predicament. I'm sure if we do have a child there are loads of things I'll love about it, but I can't get my head around the complete 360 it'll have on my life. I feel like its something I can't say no to.

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10 hours ago, PieFacE said:

Guess it's been brewing for a little while, but think I'm about to split with my girlfriend. Gutted about the situation but think it's for the best.

 

The worst thing about it is that I'm more gutted about never seeing the dog again, I think that says it all about our relationship. 

Sorry to hear that bud, but that bit about the dog made me laugh. 

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7 hours ago, PompeyVillan said:

After years of anti kids stuff from the Mrs, I'm now getting the 'I want a child's stuff. I'm surprised and also a bit bewildered, I've never really wanted children but have never ruled it out. I never say never, by my feelings about having kids are reserved to say the least. 

I don't really want the dramatic change in lifestyle and not sure I want to be a parent, but I don't want to deny her a child if that's what she really wants. I've told her I'm considering it because I am, but really I'm reluctant. I feel as if the goalposts have been moved a bit, and I'm already feeling guilty about my reservations. 

I'm getting annoyed with being asked almost every day 'can we have a baby'? I can't say yes or no because she'll hold me to either answer but I know deep down that the fact I have to think about it means that I will need to come to terms with the idea rather than really want it. It's getting me down because since we got together she was against having kids, so it's a bit of a suprise to me that she now so desperately wants them. 

We only got married recently despite being together a while. I've told her to give it a few months and see if she still feels the same way. 

What a predicament. I'm sure if we do have a child there are loads of things I'll love about it, but I can't get my head around the complete 360 it'll have on my life. I feel like its something I can't say no to.

It's going to happen, and it'll be fine. 

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