Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[lapal_fan]

7 hours ago, Demitri_C said:

I did it once.  It depends on your charchter and your group that you are with. If your bantering and warm people than it will cause problems later. If your a bit more reserved and calm it would work. 

Didn't work for me as im more into women i can have  a laugh with but eveyone is different 

Based on some of the jokes you post in the jokes thread I can already say with certainty that it's not your sense of humor these (poor) women like   

[Xela]

2 hours ago, lapal_fan said:

Based on some of the jokes you post in the jokes thread I can already say with certainty that it's not your sense of humor these (poor) women like   

Or his taste in TV shows!

He must therefore be hung like a shire horse! 

[Xela]

11 hours ago, legov said:

VTers who have a SO who does not speak English as a first language, what are your experiences regarding maintaining a relationship 

I prefer not to speak the same language with any of the ladies I meet. Pointing and gestures work fine 

[Genie]

1 hour ago, Xela said:

Or his taste in TV shows!

He must therefore be hung like a shire horse! 

I’m pretty sure from an old screen shot he isn’t, unless some of things he was googling worked.

[Xela]

1 minute ago, Genie said:

I’m pretty sure from an old screen shot he isn’t, unless some of things he was googling worked.

It's amazing what a few years of stretching it will do!

[Demitri_C]

4 hours ago, lapal_fan said:

Based on some of the jokes you post in the jokes thread I can already say with certainty that it's not your sense of humor these (poor) women like   

Miserable git 

[kurtsimonw]

On 28/12/2018 at 16:37, kurtsimonw said:

I completely get what you are saying.

It was more of an issue with both of us. I moved in to hers quite quickly and we never really planned around it very well. Given that we worked in the same office, we were just on top of each other all the time. We both also started to rely on each other, whereas now we're doing more things with our friends. Work has helped as her department has recently moved to another building. Now at the end of the day we're missing each other and wanting to be together, whereas before it was more we were just always together.

She said her biggest problem was she didn't communicate what she wanted enough, as she was scared of pushing me away. But now we're talking more and it's been a good few weeks.

Like I said, we'll see how it goes. If it's not meant to be, so be it. But I'm glad we're giving it another go.

Well it wasn't to be.

We had a good chat and I can't say I didn't see it coming, but we've ended it. She's such a giving person and I think she just struggles to keep herself happy when she has someone to look after. She's had a really tough life and what breaks my heart more than anything is thinking of her going home alone every night. I would've kept going, but for her it wasn't going to work, we're just a bit too different personality wise.

It's a real shame, but the age thing was still an issue for her. She said she feels like her body and mind is slowing down, and even though I'm very laid back, being 16 years younger she felt like I was quite energetic in most things.

I'm pretty devastated, in shock almost. But I do think I will look back on this positively. She made such a massive impact on my life at such a crucial time. We're going to give each other space, and potentially remain friends depending how I feel. She wants to, but she understands if that would bet too hard for me.

Feel like shit and need a few days off work. Hopefully time helps heal.

[rjw63]

7 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

Well it wasn't to be.

We had a good chat and I can't say I didn't see it coming, but we've ended it. She's such a giving person and I think she just struggles to keep herself happy when she has someone to look after. She's had a really tough life and what breaks my heart more than anything is thinking of her going home alone every night. I would've kept going, but for her it wasn't going to work, we're just a bit too different personality wise.

It's a real shame, but the age thing was still an issue for her. She said she feels like her body and mind is slowing down, and even though I'm very laid back, being 16 years younger she felt like I was quite energetic in most things.

I'm pretty devastated, in shock almost. But I do think I will look back on this positively. She made such a massive impact on my life at such a crucial time. We're going to give each other space, and potentially remain friends depending how I feel. She wants to, but she understands if that would bet too hard for me.

Feel like shit and need a few days off work. Hopefully time helps heal.

I went out with two women when I was in my early 20's, both of them were 15+ years older than me. I was also distraught when the affairs ended but looking back, man did I dodge a bullet (twice!).

If it can work out for me, it will for you.

[Demitri_C]

8 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

Well it wasn't to be.

We had a good chat and I can't say I didn't see it coming, but we've ended it. She's such a giving person and I think she just struggles to keep herself happy when she has someone to look after. She's had a really tough life and what breaks my heart more than anything is thinking of her going home alone every night. I would've kept going, but for her it wasn't going to work, we're just a bit too different personality wise.

It's a real shame, but the age thing was still an issue for her. She said she feels like her body and mind is slowing down, and even though I'm very laid back, being 16 years younger she felt like I was quite energetic in most things.

I'm pretty devastated, in shock almost. But I do think I will look back on this positively. She made such a massive impact on my life at such a crucial time. We're going to give each other space, and potentially remain friends depending how I feel. She wants to, but she understands if that would bet too hard for me.

Feel like shit and need a few days off work. Hopefully time helps heal.

It seems tough now Kurt but at least you can look back at this experience positively. Also it's a boost to your confidence that you had a mainly positive relationship. Sounds like it was more her insecurities than anything you did. 

You will meet someone else once your ready. Just kepe you're self pre occupied with friends family hobbies etc. Worse thing you can do is be at home staring at walls and over thinking things with ifs and buts. 

[Stevo985]

9 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

Well it wasn't to be.

We had a good chat and I can't say I didn't see it coming, but we've ended it. She's such a giving person and I think she just struggles to keep herself happy when she has someone to look after. She's had a really tough life and what breaks my heart more than anything is thinking of her going home alone every night. I would've kept going, but for her it wasn't going to work, we're just a bit too different personality wise.

It's a real shame, but the age thing was still an issue for her. She said she feels like her body and mind is slowing down, and even though I'm very laid back, being 16 years younger she felt like I was quite energetic in most things.

I'm pretty devastated, in shock almost. But I do think I will look back on this positively. She made such a massive impact on my life at such a crucial time. We're going to give each other space, and potentially remain friends depending how I feel. She wants to, but she understands if that would bet too hard for me.

Feel like shit and need a few days off work. Hopefully time helps heal.

Things will work out, mate.

Sounds like you've ended things about as amicably as you could hope, which will definitely help as there's no arguments or mess to keep things in your head.

My only advice would be to be strict on the space you give each other. It might be tempting for both of you to spend time together, especially if she wants to stay friends, but it's a bad idea. Not saying you can never be friends, but right now all it will do is keep you hung up on her.

If you want to get over her, that space needs to be real, otherwise you'll never move on. I say that from experience.

 

Like Rob said, in a few years you'll look back on this and realise it wasn't meant to be and that's all there is to it. it's not the end of the world.

[kurtsimonw]

Thanks guys. 

I'm taking today and tomorrow off work. Last time we had our blip I didn't eat for days and got nothing done at work and felt sick there. It'll help. Fortunately a friend of mine is off today so going to spend some time with him.

She says she wants me to have some space to decide what I want to do. But I absolutely want her to stay in my life. I already know that. I know it might make the healing process longer, but she's been a huge motivation to me. She hosts a group for runners and I've gone from being out of breath when walking fast, to completing 10Ks. 

I've never shared a picture of my ugly mug on here before. But this is absolutely my favourite picture ever. It was the first time I reached 10K in a practice. How proud of me she looks made me feel like I could do anything. I don't want to lose that person from my life. 

https://postimg.cc/WtwFrNhK

[NurembergVillan]

30 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

Thanks guys. 

I'm taking today and tomorrow off work. Last time we had our blip I didn't eat for days and got nothing done at work and felt sick there. It'll help. Fortunately a friend of mine is off today so going to spend some time with him.

She says she wants me to have some space to decide what I want to do. But I absolutely want her to stay in my life. I already know that. I know it might make the healing process longer, but she's been a huge motivation to me. She hosts a group for runners and I've gone from being out of breath when walking fast, to completing 10Ks. 

I've never shared a picture of my ugly mug on here before. But this is absolutely my favourite picture ever. It was the first time I reached 10K in a practice. How proud of me she looks made me feel like I could do anything. I don't want to lose that person from my life. 

https://postimg.cc/WtwFrNhK

I can imagine the pain is real right now.  It's great that you've had what you've had, though, and that you've got the option to keep some of it in another form.

You will get over it and it will all be ok, though.  Promise.

[mjmooney]

Staying friends is all well and good. But it's going to be a severe test when one of you finds somebody else. Especially if it's her. 

[Stevo985]

2 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

Staying friends is all well and good. But it's going to be a severe test when one of you finds somebody else. Especially if it's her. 

This exactly. It's why you need to make a break in the short term. Absolutely keep her in your life, but if that's a constant from now you'll never get over her. Even if you don't realise it you'll be hung up on her and when she finds someone else you'll be heartbroken all over again.

Of course you might be the one to find someone else first. Which is great. But I'm being cautious!

[AvfcRigo82]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

But this is absolutely my favourite picture ever. It was the first time I reached 10K in a practice. How proud of me she looks made me feel like I could do anything. I don't want to lose that person from my life. 

https://postimg.cc/WtwFrNhK

Having that person feeling so proud of you not being there may feel like a kick in the stones right now but in time you will find others that you can make more proud and make a bigger impression to.

Swings and roundabouts my friend. You won't see it now but when the smoke clears and the dust settles you will make others proud for sure.

I'm proud of you for running 10k - I can't even run to the bloody shops that are only 2 minutes away!

[Jon]

We go again 

[kurtsimonw]

19 hours ago, Stevo985 said:

This exactly. It's why you need to make a break in the short term. Absolutely keep her in your life, but if that's a constant from now you'll never get over her. Even if you don't realise it you'll be hung up on her and when she finds someone else you'll be heartbroken all over again.

Of course you might be the one to find someone else first. Which is great. But I'm being cautious!

She wants some time for now, so that decision has been made for me. I'm not going to contact her for a little while. She said she'll get back to me when she feels ready. I'll go as long as I can. It's so hard when you're on the receiving end and just have to go with what they say. I guess I just don't feel like I can heal properly until I talk to her, but this is totally new for me so I've no idea how I would feel if I did talk to her. 

[AvfcRigo82]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

She wants some time for now, so that decision has been made for me. I'm not going to contact her for a little while. She said she'll get back to me when she feels ready. I'll go as long as I can. It's so hard when you're on the receiving end and just have to go with what they say. I guess I just don't feel like I can heal properly until I talk to her, but this is totally new for me so I've no idea how I would feel if I did talk to her. 

But you don't. You also have a life and should not be treated like a toy that she is ready to pick up and play with again when "she is ready".

Show her you also have a life and start doing things for you (even if you do feel all those things for her still) or who is to say that if she possibly did/does come back to you in a few weeks/months and then further down the line decides she needs another "break" - knowing you will be sitting there waiting like a little puppy waiting on her every command.

By doing this you equally show her what she's missing.

Edited February 13, 2019 by AvfcRigo82

[lapal_fan]

1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

She wants some time for now, so that decision has been made for me. I'm not going to contact her for a little while. She said she'll get back to me when she feels ready. I'll go as long as I can. It's so hard when you're on the receiving end and just have to go with what they say. I guess I just don't feel like I can heal properly until I talk to her, but this is totally new for me so I've no idea how I would feel if I did talk to her. 

I think there is a lot said about believing in yourself, but it sounds to me (which is fair at the moment), that you need to go for a good walk, put some music on which makes you think you're the **** bees knees and just clear your head for a few hours.  Get a bit of renewed vigor, believe in yourself and go and do something you enjoy.  

Life is **** fun and beautiful, sometimes you just have to work a bit harder to find it. 

You're in that zone of grieving almost, the sooner you have a bit of self believe, self value and become a bit more assertive, you'll be on a good road. 

You got to make it happen!  

[A'Villan]

7 hours ago, kurtsimonw said:

She wants some time for now, so that decision has been made for me. I'm not going to contact her for a little while. She said she'll get back to me when she feels ready. I'll go as long as I can. It's so hard when you're on the receiving end and just have to go with what they say. I guess I just don't feel like I can heal properly until I talk to her, but this is totally new for me so I've no idea how I would feel if I did talk to her. 

Start the dialogue with yourself first. Be clear on what it is that is hurting so that you can make decisions that will enable you to heal properly. You owe it to yourself.

I honestly wish you all the best going forward. I'm not sure I can co-sign the suggestion that you will end up heartbroken again if you continue to see this woman.

From where I sit it seems like it could be the opposite. It seems like there's a lot of genuine love there, the chemistry rather than biology kind of love.

As long as both of you remain respectful of the others decisions and both of you have the inner resources to be able to grow and experience the blessings that life has to offer independent of the relationship, then I see every reason for you two continuing a relationship of some sorts. Whether as friends or partners.

Even if you go separate ways it seems like it should be with each others best wishes. Memories to be cherished and fondness of the other person are great experiences. Let them serve as a catalyst for your continued growth as a person. Don't ruminate on things that have and never will serve you in your life. Remember what was good, what was not so good, and why, so that you can make choices that will serve you in future and leave anything that doesn't offer fulfillment or anything wholesome.

In regard to you wanting to talk to her in order to heal, I'd recommend some caution telling yourself that. Especially because of the emotions that have been stirred.

Don't get me wrong, communication is fundamental and talking may offer you some closure that will be helpful moving forward. I just don't understand what exactly you hope to heal from talking to her at the moment. That's totally your business and I'm not asking you to inform me the reasons. I guess there's a part of me that's wondering if the healing you want to do is something that you need to do on your own (please know that I'm in all probability an idiot who you don't have to take any notice of) and once you have addressed whatever is getting the better of you, then you can return to any relationship from a position of strength and independence.

Me and this woman I know had been expressing our love for one another from the age of 14. Despite it never progressing into an exclusive relationship, we were best friends for years and years, until the age of 25. She was an absolute inspiration in my life and a muse for how to live better, aspire and grow. I don't want to go into much detail as this post is long enough, but for whatever reason our friendship ended and all contact was severed. It all ended in a way that was really unfortunate. I had a lot to come to terms with at the time, but losing this chick from my life was the hardest pill to swallow. Not because it made me miserable and downhearted, but because someone dear to me, someone who evoked the strongest feelings I've ever had and was just a very wholesome part of my life, was no longer there for me. It left a void. So, I wrote her a letter, and I would recommend you do that too, as you mentioned talking to her as a healing process. By writing a letter you can process and express what's going on for you without saying it all in the moment, or on any partial feeling. You can choose to give it to her or not.

If there's one thing I can promise you, it's that learning how to be your own best friend and being kind to yourself is fundamental to you developing worthwhile relationships with others. Your relationship to yourself forms as the very fabric for how you relate to the rest of the world. If you think about it you are this world. Without eyes the sun would not evoke light. Our attitudes and beliefs evoke our actions and understanding for what's possible.