Ingram85 Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 (edited) Nowt wrong with a nurse taking diazepam, I know plenty of nurses with mental health problems but she should be seeing her GP first to be getting them the right and safe way. Sounds like she’s crying for help mate tbh, talk to her like you would anyone going through a mental health crisis and help her seek the professional help she needs, the decisions she is making is because she isn’t thinking straight at the moment. Put an arm round her then go from there and if she gets worse, things escalate and she starts to make risky decisions and continues the deceitful behaviour then cross hat bridge when you come to it. Just be there for her for now. Support but don’t try to fix. Edited June 10, 2018 by Ingram85 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 I can see why you're angry, but as others have said, she needs your support by the sound of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) My wife was filing for divorce today. We've not been getting on for a while, and if I'm being honest things have been very bad. The straw that broke the camels back was me staying in the pub all day and night Saturday. I knew it would cause problems, but I was past caring on Saturday and told her to like it, or lump it. My mum rang me Saturday to say she'd dropped my stuff off at her house. I got in at 1 at my mums, and went to bed, got up and took the kids out for a bit. When I dropped them back off we had a chat. She said she wanted a divorce and that she's not been happy for ages(that makes both of us). Apparantly her mums gave her a good talking too, and said we both need to try harder. She listens to her mum all the time. Going to try one last time to see if we can get through it. Having 3 kids makes things so much tougher. That's another thing she's unhappy about, and that's me not doing enough with her and the kids. She said I'm a good dad, but I'm not a family man, which she wants. Let's see what happens. We go on holiday next week, so that should be good. She also feels that the house is better with me not there. Edited June 11, 2018 by Rugeley Villa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 I don't want to come across too harsh but we've followed this situation for literally years now. Having 3 kids in the situation you were in was silly IMO. Yes you didn't do it on purpose but it was irresponsible. Perhaps in a less pressured environment of 1 kid it would have been different. But from what you've told us over the years, you sound really bad for each other. You seem to enlarge each other's worst traits. Good luck with it - definitely try to do your best. If not for each other but for the kids. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 3 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said: I don't want to come across too harsh but we've followed this situation for literally years now. Having 3 kids in the situation you were in was silly IMO. Yes you didn't do it on purpose but it was irresponsible. Perhaps in a less pressured environment of 1 kid it would have been different. But from what you've told us over the years, you sound really bad for each other. You seem to enlarge each other's worst traits. Good luck with it - definitely try to do your best. If not for each other but for the kids. 9 years this October, and its rarely been smooth going. It's not all bad, and we've had some great times. Our personalities definitely clash, then with everything else on top. Looking in from the outside it doesn't look great. I can only speak for myself, but I need to make more effort. Making that break off is so hard, and I just hope that's not the reason why we are both hanging on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted June 11, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted June 11, 2018 1 hour ago, Rugeley Villa said: My wife was filing for divorce today. We've not been getting on for a while, and if I'm being honest things have been very bad. The straw that broke the camels back was me staying in the pub all day and night Saturday. I knew it would cause problems, but I was past caring on Saturday and told her to like it, or lump it. When will the penny drop? She's your only hope. If you split up, she'll find another bloke, who'll become 'dad' to YOUR kids. You'll carry on behaving like a single bloke, and the drink and drugs will be back with a vengeance. You can't keep on having one more last chance. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 Never date crazy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 A wise man once said in this exact topic I think, “love is like a fart, if you have to force it then it’s probably shit”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeyp102 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 3 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said: 9 years this October, and its rarely been smooth going. It's not all bad, and we've had some great times. Our personalities definitely clash, then with everything else on top. Looking in from the outside it doesn't look great. I can only speak for myself, but I need to make more effort. Making that break off is so hard, and I just hope that's not the reason why we are both hanging on. It’s not the first time you’ve this is it Ruge? Again not wanting to be critical, but it seems like you constantly go through stages where you try a lot and then have these bouts where it seems you deliberately stop trying. Whether this is you self consciously deliberately destroying what you’ve got, ot making a move out of the relationship I don’t know. Think you really need to make a decision whether you want to be together or not. Plenty of people have children and separate, from what I’ve seen of friends, it’s better for the children if it’s an amicable breakup, meaning both parents are given good access to the children. The last thing you want is to breakup and then not be given access to the children’s because the break up wasn’t bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 2 hours ago, mjmooney said: When will the penny drop? She's your only hope. If you split up, she'll find another bloke, who'll become 'dad' to YOUR kids. You'll carry on behaving like a single bloke, and the drink and drugs will be back with a vengeance. You can't keep on having one more last chance. Yeah, I was thinking about this whilst I was lay in bed at my mums nursing a sore head. I need my wife and kids as one unit, I've told her this. Obviously actions speak louder than words, and that's one of my biggest faults, I don't follow up with stuff. The divorce talk really took me by surprise, but it shouldn't have really. She's said she'll always love me, but she's got to the point where she could quite easily live without me now. I'll be honest, I can be a bit of a shit dad at times, and an even worse husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) 47 minutes ago, mikeyp102 said: It’s not the first time you’ve this is it Ruge? Again not wanting to be critical, but it seems like you constantly go through stages where you try a lot and then have these bouts where it seems you deliberately stop trying. Whether this is you self consciously deliberately destroying what you’ve got, ot making a move out of the relationship I don’t know. Think you really need to make a decision whether you want to be together or not. Plenty of people have children and separate, from what I’ve seen of friends, it’s better for the children if it’s an amicable breakup, meaning both parents are given good access to the children. The last thing you want is to breakup and then not be given access to the children’s because the break up wasn’t bad. Massive fault of mine. I've always struggled to keep interest in things long term. I'm not saying my wife is just a thing, but I struggle to be the person she requires me to be, and what most women would require. Sometimes I think I want out, then when it comes down to it, I struggle to break it off. Deep down Im sure I want it to work, and I'd struggle to live without her, and the kids living together..Things are rarely straightforward with us, always drama one way or the other. I'm trying though. We've had a nice couple of hours up cannock Chase with the kids, and there was a moment when we got back where I would have went off on one, but I never, and she found it funny because she knew I was trying to be calm need to change myself. I've let her down so many times. I could have been a much better dad lately too. Anyway, let's hope I can sort it. Been drinking a bit too much lately too, but I think that's because I've been unhappy. Edited June 11, 2018 by Rugeley Villa 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) You're just scared of being alone. I imagine you probably think "I'd be fine", but when it comes to it, you shit yourself at the thought of being alone. Edit, you're also possessive, so the thought of her finding someone else and being happy is probably pretty terrifying to you too. Edited June 11, 2018 by lapal_fan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 10 hours ago, lapal_fan said: You're just scared of being alone. I imagine you probably think "I'd be fine", but when it comes to it, you shit yourself at the thought of being alone. Edit, you're also possessive, so the thought of her finding someone else and being happy is probably pretty terrifying to you too. Not sure about the being alone bit. Not living with my kids would hurt though. I can be quite possessive , so her moving on with a new bloke would be hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rodders0223 Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 As someone who grew up with parents who showed little interest, didn't do the "family" days out, and who would obviously rather spend time at the pub that doing family activities, it is not good and it is very damaging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 43 minutes ago, rodders0223 said: As someone who grew up with parents who showed little interest, didn't do the "family" days out, and who would obviously rather spend time at the pub that doing family activities, it is not good and it is very damaging. Our kids are always doing something. I get just as excited about going to peppa pig world, or Thomas land just as much as the kids. My problem is the little things. What I mean by that is trips to the park, or wacky warehouse. I normally leave all that to their mum, and that's what annoys her. I work quite a few Saturdays, so sometimes I naturally miss out, but as I said it's the little family walks or trips to the park I don't make the effort. Anything big and exciting then I'm all over it. Another thing is, I rarely sod off to the pub and not bother coming back these days. Saturday was a one off where I said balls to it. My kids genuinely think I'm a fun dad. I just need to start making the effort with the little things. Same with my relationship with my wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villakram Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 21 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said: Our kids are always doing something. I get just as excited about going to peppa pig world, or Thomas land just as much as the kids. My problem is the little things. What I mean by that is trips to the park, or wacky warehouse. I normally leave all that to their mum, and that's what annoys her. I work quite a few Saturdays, so sometimes I naturally miss out, but as I said it's the little family walks or trips to the park I don't make the effort. Anything big and exciting then I'm all over it. Another thing is, I rarely sod off to the pub and not bother coming back these days. Saturday was a one off where I said balls to it. My kids genuinely think I'm a fun dad. I just need to start making the effort with the little things. Same with my relationship with my wife. I hope that you stop right here and have a really good think about that, because kids are very very good at wearing a smiling face, the same as the rest of us. I would be astonished if they are not very aware of the chaos around them. Pulling for you, but I just read that as a little blase, so I had to write. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 21 hours ago, villakram said: I hope that you stop right here and have a really good think about that, because kids are very very good at wearing a smiling face, the same as the rest of us. I would be astonished if they are not very aware of the chaos around them. Pulling for you, but I just read that as a little blase, so I had to write. And on top of that, you're their only dad. It's when they get older and compare you to the guy who makes tents in the garden, goes for walks and DOES the little things they say "actually, you were a shit dad when we were young". I know kids who's dad doesn't do hardly anything with the mom/kids - it won't be long I don't think. It's all about family unity - being a TEAM. If you only wanna be there when it interests you - you're not going to be part of the team for long. Get involved, the kids only grow up once - once they don't need you - you'll **** miss it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 1 minute ago, lapal_fan said: And on top of that, you're their only dad. It's when they get older and compare you to the guy who makes tents in the garden, goes for walks and DOES the little things they say "actually, you were a shit dad when we were young". I know kids who's dad doesn't do hardly anything with the mom/kids - it won't be long I don't think. It's all about family unity - being a TEAM. If you only wanna be there when it interests you - you're not going to be part of the team for long. Get involved, the kids only grow up once - once they don't need you - you'll **** miss it. Nail on the head mate. It's the little things that count, and I've not really got involved in that. Hopefully take all this on board. I mean you're always learning things as a dad, and as a person in general. I'm sure we've all made mistakes, I know I've made plenty and my kids have seen and been around things a kid should never see, or be around. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 As a general point not about any individual. Kids are pretty good at eventually working out who's a random chaotic influence that turns up once a week with a new xbox... and who's actually there every day helping with the chores and a lift to football practise that's on time and creating a positive routine. Superdad that sometimes goes awol, sometimes shouts and sometimes arrives on an elephant with free chocolate and rockets. He gets found out eventually. That's my experience from observing a few friends and their lives. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 I'm not going to lie. My kids have seen and heard some bad arguments. They have also seen dad off his face. On the rare occasion I've also not come home from the pub, but once I had my second child that stopped, or should I say 99% stopped. I've already pointed out it's not often I take part in the little things which I suppose are the important things. I've got plenty of plus sides to me, but I suppose they count for nothing if I'm not doing the other half. I always give them plenty of love, and I'm always there to help with the chores. I'll admit there is room for massive improvement. Being a dad came naturally to me, it honestly did, but I think I've struggled to maybe let go of that other side of me. It does make me angry, and guilty, but I am trying to be a better dad. Just saying that last sentence makes me ashamed, because I shouldn't have to try, it should just happen. Anyway... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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