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"we were 2-0 down at half time and I knew a ruddy good rollocking was afoot.

As I walked into the dressing room, I sat behind Kevo, who was a giant brick shithouse of a man.. Like, seriously, he made Akinfenwa look like a child.

The gaffer came in (we like to call our manager "the gaffer", because we saw it once in a footballing book and it felt really cool), his eyes scanned the room several times.  He couldn't see me behind Kevo, as I sat back to back with him, and my knees tucked up into my chest.

"WHERE IS THAT clearing in the woods?!" he yelled. 

I nudged Kevo with my elbow into the small of his back to prompt him to say something.

"Whom gaffer?  Whom is it you are searching for?" (Kevo was a right smartarse)

"LAP YOU DONUT! HE SPENT THE LAST 45 **** MINUTES SHOOTING TOWARDS HIS OWN GOAL, SCORING TWO.. ADMIITTEDLY STUNNING GOALS IN THE PROCESS!!! THE SECOND ONE IN PARTICULAR WOULD HAVE BEEN A HIGHLIGHT HAD IT HAVE BEEN IN THE OPPONENTS GOAL!!" - he was very concise was, gaffer. 

It was as soon as gaffer finished shouting I did a rather large pump, and because my knees were tucked upwards, it created the perfect angle for a audible tone.

My eyes widened, knowing gaffer would have heard it

"PARDON ME!" shouted Kevo.

His response was so quick, the gaffer bought it.

"THANK YOU KEVO, FOR YOUR HONESTY.  I WOULD HAVE BLAMED THE WRONG PERSON HAD YOU NOT ADMITTED THAT TRUMP.  BECAUSE OF THE HARD SURFACES IN THIS CHANGING ROOM, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS SMOGGY OVER THERE."  He pointed at Smoggy, who was famed for his loose sphincter muscles, often causing him to trump.

For some unknown reason, the gaffer singling out poor Smoggy for his lack of arse control made me think of all the bad things happening in the world, and I sensitively began to cry.  It was a sort of, odd cry to start with, very sniffley, but I was soon sobbing at all of the injustices in the world. 

I stood up from behind Kevo..

"I'm sorry for crying everyone.  And gaffer, I'm sorry for scoring two own goals, but I forgot we were playing in a competitive F.A sanctioned match because there's no crowd, I just thought we were having a laugh.. But let me ask you this Gaffer (his real name was Gaffer Waffer, so occasionally I'd call him by his real name for important moments like this)"

I paused, the whole dressing room was focused on me and I knew I had to hit this out of the ball park - or else I would be sold to another football club, maybe somewhere like Altricingham or something..

"Is this football match as important as all of the bad things happening in the (pause)... ENTIRE WORLD??!!!!" 

BOOM - I had dropped a bomb.  Not just any bomb, but a really big one, even bigger than the Tsar bomb, which from a Google informs me is the biggest testing bomb ever, so pretty big really..

Kevo, who was also by now, crying - started to clap and chant "LAP IS THE BEST, Da, Da, Da! LAP IS THE BEST, Da, Da, Da!" 

After about 10-15 minutes, Smoggy joined in, then Jaffer, then Bagsy, then Joy, then Mavis, then Battersby, then Rafkins, then Vice, then the chair man and after about another 45 minutes, Gaffer joined in too! 

Boy was I happy.

I was surrounded by every footballer in the world, all of the refs and everyone.. chanting MY name.

The Gaffer eventually said "LAP, YOU'RE RIGHT, THOSE TWO GOALS MEAN SHIT ALL - HERE, HAVE A NEW CONTRACT WHICH GUARANTEES YOU TO BE THE TOP PAID FOOTBALLER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"

I turned around and said "Cheers", went out for the second half on my own and beat the Charlton under 9s girls team all on my own... 15-2.

After the game, I went up the steps of Wembley (we were playing at Wembley, I forgot to put) and the main person from FIFA gave me a trophy the size of a narrow boat and said "Congratulations Lap, you've won all of the trophies around the world in history".

I turned around and smirked and said "yep, I have" 

and all the fit women went out with me.

The end

(5* "Incredible writing style, his prose are excellent an'that - the Independent) 

(10/10 - "the best book ever, even better than the bible" - Charlton Heston)

(9/9 - "I am tall" - a Giraffe called Edward, Kidderminster Safari Park) 

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34 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

"we were 2-0 down at half time and I knew a ruddy good rollocking was afoot.

As I walked into the dressing room, I sat behind Kevo, who was a giant brick shithouse of a man.. Like, seriously, he made Akinfenwa look like a child.

The gaffer came in (we like to call our manager "the gaffer", because we saw it once in a footballing book and it felt really cool), his eyes scanned the room several times.  He couldn't see me behind Kevo, as I sat back to back with him, and my knees tucked up into my chest.

"WHERE IS THAT clearing in the woods?!" he yelled. 

I nudged Kevo with my elbow into the small of his back to prompt him to say something.

"Whom gaffer?  Whom is it you are searching for?" (Kevo was a right smartarse)

"LAP YOU DONUT! HE SPENT THE LAST 45 **** MINUTES SHOOTING TOWARDS HIS OWN GOAL, SCORING TWO.. ADMIITTEDLY STUNNING GOALS IN THE PROCESS!!! THE SECOND ONE IN PARTICULAR WOULD HAVE BEEN A HIGHLIGHT HAD IT HAVE BEEN IN THE OPPONENTS GOAL!!" - he was very concise was, gaffer. 

It was as soon as gaffer finished shouting I did a rather large pump, and because my knees were tucked upwards, it created the perfect angle for a audible tone.

My eyes widened, knowing gaffer would have heard it

"PARDON ME!" shouted Kevo.

His response was so quick, the gaffer bought it.

"THANK YOU KEVO, FOR YOUR HONESTY.  I WOULD HAVE BLAMED THE WRONG PERSON HAD YOU NOT ADMITTED THAT TRUMP.  BECAUSE OF THE HARD SURFACES IN THIS CHANGING ROOM, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS SMOGGY OVER THERE."  He pointed at Smoggy, who was famed for his loose sphincter muscles, often causing him to trump.

For some unknown reason, the gaffer singling out poor Smoggy for his lack of arse control made me think of all the bad things happening in the world, and I sensitively began to cry.  It was a sort of, odd cry to start with, very sniffley, but I was soon sobbing at all of the injustices in the world. 

I stood up from behind Kevo..

"I'm sorry for crying everyone.  And gaffer, I'm sorry for scoring two own goals, but I forgot we were playing in a competitive F.A sanctioned match because there's no crowd, I just thought we were having a laugh.. But let me ask you this Gaffer (his real name was Gaffer Waffer, so occasionally I'd call him by his real name for important moments like this)"

I paused, the whole dressing room was focused on me and I knew I had to hit this out of the ball park - or else I would be sold to another football club, maybe somewhere like Altricingham or something..

"Is this football match as important as all of the bad things happening in the (pause)... ENTIRE WORLD??!!!!" 

BOOM - I had dropped a bomb.  Not just any bomb, but a really big one, even bigger than the Tsar bomb, which from a Google informs me is the biggest testing bomb ever, so pretty big really..

Kevo, who was also by now, crying - started to clap and chant "LAP IS THE BEST, Da, Da, Da! LAP IS THE BEST, Da, Da, Da!" 

After about 10-15 minutes, Smoggy joined in, then Jaffer, then Bagsy, then Joy, then Mavis, then Battersby, then Rafkins, then Vice, then the chair man and after about another 45 minutes, Gaffer joined in too! 

Boy was I happy.

I was surrounded by every footballer in the world, all of the refs and everyone.. chanting MY name.

The Gaffer eventually said "LAP, YOU'RE RIGHT, THOSE TWO GOALS MEAN SHIT ALL - HERE, HAVE A NEW CONTRACT WHICH GUARANTEES YOU TO BE THE TOP PAID FOOTBALLER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"

I turned around and said "Cheers", went out for the second half on my own and beat the Charlton under 9s girls team all on my own... 15-2.

After the game, I went up the steps of Wembley (we were playing at Wembley, I forgot to put) and the main person from FIFA gave me a trophy the size of a narrow boat and said "Congratulations Lap, you've won all of the trophies around the world in history".

I turned around and smirked and said "yep, I have" 

and all the fit women went out with me.

The end

(5* "Incredible writing style, his prose are excellent an'that - the Independent) 

(10/10 - "the best book ever, even better than the bible" - Charlton Heston)

(9/9 - "I am tall" - a Giraffe called Edward, Kidderminster Safari Park) 

54ufna.jpg

:lol:

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1 hour ago, lapal_fan said:

"we were 2-0 down at half time and I knew a ruddy good rollocking was afoot.

As I walked into the dressing room, I sat behind Kevo, who was a giant brick shithouse of a man.. Like, seriously, he made Akinfenwa look like a child.

The gaffer came in (we like to call our manager "the gaffer", because we saw it once in a footballing book and it felt really cool), his eyes scanned the room several times.  He couldn't see me behind Kevo, as I sat back to back with him, and my knees tucked up into my chest.

"WHERE IS THAT clearing in the woods?!" he yelled. 

I nudged Kevo with my elbow into the small of his back to prompt him to say something.

"Whom gaffer?  Whom is it you are searching for?" (Kevo was a right smartarse)

"LAP YOU DONUT! HE SPENT THE LAST 45 **** MINUTES SHOOTING TOWARDS HIS OWN GOAL, SCORING TWO.. ADMIITTEDLY STUNNING GOALS IN THE PROCESS!!! THE SECOND ONE IN PARTICULAR WOULD HAVE BEEN A HIGHLIGHT HAD IT HAVE BEEN IN THE OPPONENTS GOAL!!" - he was very concise was, gaffer. 

It was as soon as gaffer finished shouting I did a rather large pump, and because my knees were tucked upwards, it created the perfect angle for a audible tone.

My eyes widened, knowing gaffer would have heard it

"PARDON ME!" shouted Kevo.

His response was so quick, the gaffer bought it.

"THANK YOU KEVO, FOR YOUR HONESTY.  I WOULD HAVE BLAMED THE WRONG PERSON HAD YOU NOT ADMITTED THAT TRUMP.  BECAUSE OF THE HARD SURFACES IN THIS CHANGING ROOM, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS SMOGGY OVER THERE."  He pointed at Smoggy, who was famed for his loose sphincter muscles, often causing him to trump.

For some unknown reason, the gaffer singling out poor Smoggy for his lack of arse control made me think of all the bad things happening in the world, and I sensitively began to cry.  It was a sort of, odd cry to start with, very sniffley, but I was soon sobbing at all of the injustices in the world. 

I stood up from behind Kevo..

"I'm sorry for crying everyone.  And gaffer, I'm sorry for scoring two own goals, but I forgot we were playing in a competitive F.A sanctioned match because there's no crowd, I just thought we were having a laugh.. But let me ask you this Gaffer (his real name was Gaffer Waffer, so occasionally I'd call him by his real name for important moments like this)"

I paused, the whole dressing room was focused on me and I knew I had to hit this out of the ball park - or else I would be sold to another football club, maybe somewhere like Altricingham or something..

"Is this football match as important as all of the bad things happening in the (pause)... ENTIRE WORLD??!!!!" 

BOOM - I had dropped a bomb.  Not just any bomb, but a really big one, even bigger than the Tsar bomb, which from a Google informs me is the biggest testing bomb ever, so pretty big really..

Kevo, who was also by now, crying - started to clap and chant "LAP IS THE BEST, Da, Da, Da! LAP IS THE BEST, Da, Da, Da!" 

After about 10-15 minutes, Smoggy joined in, then Jaffer, then Bagsy, then Joy, then Mavis, then Battersby, then Rafkins, then Vice, then the chair man and after about another 45 minutes, Gaffer joined in too! 

Boy was I happy.

I was surrounded by every footballer in the world, all of the refs and everyone.. chanting MY name.

The Gaffer eventually said "LAP, YOU'RE RIGHT, THOSE TWO GOALS MEAN SHIT ALL - HERE, HAVE A NEW CONTRACT WHICH GUARANTEES YOU TO BE THE TOP PAID FOOTBALLER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"

I turned around and said "Cheers", went out for the second half on my own and beat the Charlton under 9s girls team all on my own... 15-2.

After the game, I went up the steps of Wembley (we were playing at Wembley, I forgot to put) and the main person from FIFA gave me a trophy the size of a narrow boat and said "Congratulations Lap, you've won all of the trophies around the world in history".

I turned around and smirked and said "yep, I have" 

and all the fit women went out with me.

The end

(5* "Incredible writing style, his prose are excellent an'that - the Independent) 

(10/10 - "the best book ever, even better than the bible" - Charlton Heston)

(9/9 - "I am tall" - a Giraffe called Edward, Kidderminster Safari Park) 

Busy day?

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3 hours ago, lapal_fan said:

"we were 2-0 down at half time and I knew a ruddy good rollocking was afoot.

As I walked into the dressing room, I sat behind Kevo, who was a giant brick shithouse of a man.. Like, seriously, he made Akinfenwa look like a child.

The gaffer came in (we like to call our manager "the gaffer", because we saw it once in a footballing book and it felt really cool), his eyes scanned the room several times.  He couldn't see me behind Kevo, as I sat back to back with him, and my knees tucked up into my chest.

"WHERE IS THAT clearing in the woods?!" he yelled. 

I nudged Kevo with my elbow into the small of his back to prompt him to say something.

"Whom gaffer?  Whom is it you are searching for?" (Kevo was a right smartarse)

"LAP YOU DONUT! HE SPENT THE LAST 45 **** MINUTES SHOOTING TOWARDS HIS OWN GOAL, SCORING TWO.. ADMIITTEDLY STUNNING GOALS IN THE PROCESS!!! THE SECOND ONE IN PARTICULAR WOULD HAVE BEEN A HIGHLIGHT HAD IT HAVE BEEN IN THE OPPONENTS GOAL!!" - he was very concise was, gaffer. 

It was as soon as gaffer finished shouting I did a rather large pump, and because my knees were tucked upwards, it created the perfect angle for a audible tone.

My eyes widened, knowing gaffer would have heard it

"PARDON ME!" shouted Kevo.

His response was so quick, the gaffer bought it.

"THANK YOU KEVO, FOR YOUR HONESTY.  I WOULD HAVE BLAMED THE WRONG PERSON HAD YOU NOT ADMITTED THAT TRUMP.  BECAUSE OF THE HARD SURFACES IN THIS CHANGING ROOM, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS SMOGGY OVER THERE."  He pointed at Smoggy, who was famed for his loose sphincter muscles, often causing him to trump.

For some unknown reason, the gaffer singling out poor Smoggy for his lack of arse control made me think of all the bad things happening in the world, and I sensitively began to cry.  It was a sort of, odd cry to start with, very sniffley, but I was soon sobbing at all of the injustices in the world. 

I stood up from behind Kevo..

"I'm sorry for crying everyone.  And gaffer, I'm sorry for scoring two own goals, but I forgot we were playing in a competitive F.A sanctioned match because there's no crowd, I just thought we were having a laugh.. But let me ask you this Gaffer (his real name was Gaffer Waffer, so occasionally I'd call him by his real name for important moments like this)"

I paused, the whole dressing room was focused on me and I knew I had to hit this out of the ball park - or else I would be sold to another football club, maybe somewhere like Altricingham or something..

"Is this football match as important as all of the bad things happening in the (pause)... ENTIRE WORLD??!!!!" 

BOOM - I had dropped a bomb.  Not just any bomb, but a really big one, even bigger than the Tsar bomb, which from a Google informs me is the biggest testing bomb ever, so pretty big really..

Kevo, who was also by now, crying - started to clap and chant "LAP IS THE BEST, Da, Da, Da! LAP IS THE BEST, Da, Da, Da!" 

After about 10-15 minutes, Smoggy joined in, then Jaffer, then Bagsy, then Joy, then Mavis, then Battersby, then Rafkins, then Vice, then the chair man and after about another 45 minutes, Gaffer joined in too! 

Boy was I happy.

I was surrounded by every footballer in the world, all of the refs and everyone.. chanting MY name.

The Gaffer eventually said "LAP, YOU'RE RIGHT, THOSE TWO GOALS MEAN SHIT ALL - HERE, HAVE A NEW CONTRACT WHICH GUARANTEES YOU TO BE THE TOP PAID FOOTBALLER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"

I turned around and said "Cheers", went out for the second half on my own and beat the Charlton under 9s girls team all on my own... 15-2.

After the game, I went up the steps of Wembley (we were playing at Wembley, I forgot to put) and the main person from FIFA gave me a trophy the size of a narrow boat and said "Congratulations Lap, you've won all of the trophies around the world in history".

I turned around and smirked and said "yep, I have" 

and all the fit women went out with me.

The end

(5* "Incredible writing style, his prose are excellent an'that - the Independent) 

(10/10 - "the best book ever, even better than the bible" - Charlton Heston)

(9/9 - "I am tall" - a Giraffe called Edward, Kidderminster Safari Park) 

NrHyhhW.gif

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Why a certain Leedszzzz fan who frequents this forum is ON this forum commenting when his team are actually playing.

Why not comment on a Leedszzz forum?

Very odd, and maybe obsessive.

Edited by rjw63
stupid fooking typo
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