Paddy's "Things that cheer you up"

[HanoiVillan]

10 hours ago, sidcow said:

I went to a wedding which had the most excruciating best man speech. 

The groom and best man were mountain climbers. 

Essentially the ENTIRE speech was that the groom dropped his brand new crampons into a lake at the start of the climb so had to go in and fish them out.  As he was soaking and wet he went back to the best man's car as he couldn't climb. When they got back hours later he was still sitting there half frozen because he didn't drive and didn't know how to start the car. 

The speech was about half an hour long detailing the make and model and technical specifications of the crampons, what they were climbing and the difficulties it presented, the exact route and techniques that would be needed. 

It was just horrible, you could see the whole room willing him to finish.  And then the completely non existent punchline at the end. 

It was all anyone could talk about for the rest of the night. 

Best wedding disaster I've witnessed was at my sister-in-law's wedding. They got married in Cancun, which was great, we had a week in a 5-star all-inclusive resort and I never paid a penny, so no complaints.

Anyway, my brother-in-law is Irish, and he's catholic, but his family more so, and it meant a lot to them to have a proper catholic wedding with a real priest. Luckily, it turned out the resort had its own real catholic priest, who was an American who, to my mind, seemed to be on the run from something. He gave a long, rambling sermon filled with bizarre metaphors and imagery, and then rounded it all off by inviting the assembled audience of family members to consider what a golden moment it would be when the groom inseminated the bride

[maqroll]

2 hours ago, HanoiVillan said:

inseminated

He used this word?

[maqroll]

Best wedding disaster I've witnessed was my buddy's ex-girlfriend arriving drunk and late to the reception where she dirty danced with all the guys (myself included, she was filthy hot) and a gal and my buddy the groom himself, prompting the bride to storm onto the dancefloor where she took off her wedding ring and threw it at him, shouting that it was "over". Reality show scenes.

Thankfully it all obscured a pretty lacklustre speech by yours truly!

Edited May 19, 2021 by maqroll

[maqroll]

double penetration

Edited May 19, 2021 by maqroll

[NoelVilla]

3 hours ago, maqroll said:

double penetration

That would be a great story from a wedding 

Edited May 19, 2021 by NoelVilla

[mottaloo]

11 hours ago, Follyfoot said:

Got got got got need

Reminds me of a great, nostalgic book i bought off amazon years ago which looked back on the beautiful game from 60s to 80s :

 

[sidcow]

4 hours ago, maqroll said:

Best wedding disaster I've witnessed was my buddy's ex-girlfriend arriving drunk and late to the reception where she dirty danced with all the guys (myself included, she was filthy hot) and a gal and my buddy the groom himself, prompting the bride to storm onto the dancefloor where she took off her wedding ring and threw it at him, shouting that it was "over". Reality show scenes.

Thankfully it all obscured a pretty lacklustre speech by yours truly!

 

So was as that it, or did she forgive him? 

It's a pretty dumb thing to invite an ex to your wedding let alone do some dirty dancing with her

Edited May 19, 2021 by sidcow

[Amsterdam_Neil_D]

2 minutes ago, sidcow said:

ex to your wedding

Why would you go though as well even if invited ?

It's a bit Bullseye "look what you could have won"

[bickster]

I may have told this wedding story before.

I was best man at a wedding, a wedding that for many reasons was cursed from the off. It was a trail of disaster but I'll not bore you with the full history of the event.

I can't remember the exact time of the ceremony but lets say for arguments sake it was 11am. It is 10:50 I'm outside the church with one of the ushers, he's the groom's identical twin and the Bride's car turns up. At least half the people attending aren't at the church yet, including the groom, who is on his way but has to pick up his very old Aunt on the way. He's informed us all is well but there has been a slight delay but he'll definitely be there in 5 minutes. So I do my bestmanly thing and go over to the chauffer and tell him to go for a drive for 15 minutes, I mean FFS when did the Bride EVER turn up ten minutes early, it's tradition they arrive late and last. The chauffer nods and gives me a look as if to say "I know, I Know but...." and rolls his eyes backwards to indicate the bride and then another facial signal that she's not normal. I smile knowling back and give him a sympathetic face. The bride is and was a loon. Anyway Chauffer does the right thing and goes on a tour of the village.

The bride at this point thinks she saw me talking to the groom outside the church and that he's having second thoughts.... (just remember this bit, it comes into play later)

Groom turns up before 11 with aged Aunt, then the Bride arrives for the second time, walks down the aisle and the ceremony begins....

This brings me onto the priest. He'd only just arrived in the parish after working with the homeless in London for a decade, you'd be forgiven for thinking that he was a homeless person who'd just put his priesty uniform on for a laugh. Holes in his shoes, frayed hems on his trousers and he had the Unclean Unclean, bring out your dead odour. My mate is called Edward. FIrst time he calls him Edwyn (I whisper, it's Edward), the church is silent, next time he mentions him, it's another name begining with E, slight sniggers at the back, again I whisper It's Edward, next time another name begining with E, barely stiffled guffaws, finally he calls him Edmund, well yes, this is all very Blackadder and that's it, I can distinctly hear our mates Toby and Mo yelping uncontrollably but they might be the loudest but by no means are they alone.... Not once does the priest call him Edward.

The cermony concludes and we're all off to the Hotel. The meal goes well with no hitches and its that time that every Best Man dreads, the speech. I slightly modify the end of the speech, I couldn't help myself, it was hard enough saying how lovely the bride looked with a straight face (I did pull it off though) but in the bit where I thanked the priest, I deliberately called him Father Jack (of Craggy Island obv), the grooms half of the room laughed, stoney silence from the Bride's side. oh well

There is actually quite a few other parts to this disaster of a wedding, which I haven't got time to go into here but a month or so later we met up with them at their house for a meal only for wifey to announce mid-meal that I ruined her wedding! She was entirely serious, I ruined her wedding because she turned up early, saw me talking to Duncan, the identical twin outside the church and she thought that Eddie was having second thoughts. That ruined her day and it was all my fault! Nothing else that happened ruined her day, just that and as I said, there was plenty more to this than I've described here.

They are now divorced

[Mark Albrighton]

18 hours ago, sidcow said:

I went to a wedding which had the most excruciating best man speech. 

The groom and best man were mountain climbers. 

Essentially the ENTIRE speech was that the groom dropped his brand new crampons into a lake at the start of the climb so had to go in and fish them out.  As he was soaking and wet he went back to the best man's car as he couldn't climb. When they got back hours later he was still sitting there half frozen because he didn't drive and didn't know how to start the car. 

The speech was about half an hour long detailing the make and model and technical specifications of the crampons, what they were climbing and the difficulties it presented, the exact route and techniques that would be needed. 

It was just horrible, you could see the whole room willing him to finish.  And then the completely non existent punchline at the end. 

It was all anyone could talk about for the rest of the night. 

I think there is an amusing little anecdote in there, but it needs to phrased more how you’ve summarised it. “As friends we’ve trekked and climbed the whatever mountains, taking in the beautiful scenery, a real sense of accomplishment...Dave didn’t, he’d fallen in the lake that morning and spent the rest of the day freezing his tits off at the park & ride trying to work out how to start my car.” 

Punchier, then get straight on with the next gag. 

4 hours ago, maqroll said:

Best wedding disaster I've witnessed was my buddy's ex-girlfriend arriving drunk and late to the reception where she dirty danced with all the guys (myself included, she was filthy hot) and a gal and my buddy the groom himself, prompting the bride to storm onto the dancefloor where she took off her wedding ring and threw it at him, shouting that it was "over". Reality show scenes.

Thankfully it all obscured a pretty lacklustre speech by yours truly!

 

18 minutes ago, sidcow said:

 

So was as that it, or did she forgive him? 

It's a pretty dumb thing to invite an ex to your wedding let alone do some dirty dancing with her

It really comes across to me that this ex was coming to the wedding reception, invite or not. 

[mjmooney]

27 minutes ago, sidcow said:

 

So was as that it, or did she forgive him? 

It's a pretty dumb thing to invite an ex to your wedding let alone do some dirty dancing with her

I invited an ex to my wedding. No dancing, though. 

[sidcow]

18 hours ago, rjw63 said:

Our wedding had non of the usual unnecessary shite; no cake, no first dance, no top table. Everyone had a table the same size dotted around the room.

Simple buffet, took our own music. No wank DJ playing dross.

It all went rather well too.

We absolutely wanted no first dance. Categorically, so we didn't choose one. 

But unbeknown to us people were pressing the DJ to do one, and so we were called forward to do one, only for the DJ to play Jennifer bloody Rush, The Power of Love. 

There is a video somewhere of me turning to camera half way through the dance and putting my fingers down my throat. 

Big life lesson, pick your own tune.  I would have gone for Love Shack or something as first dance. 

[Mark Albrighton]

@bickster

I’ll be honest, I thought with the introduction of a twin brother, we were going into full on BBC sitcom mode where the groom is stuck and can’t make it in time, the bride is getting anxious and when people are asking “Is the groom going to be here on time?”.

Then you think to yourself “Oh, he’ll never make it in time. If only there was someone who looked just like the groom and could take his place. Wait a second...”

[HanoiVillan]

4 hours ago, maqroll said:

He used this word?

No, you're right to call me up on that, in retrospect I'm 99% sure he said 'when [Groom's Name] plants his seed in [Bride's Name]'.

He also made reference, in his long and rambling sermon, to 'when I'm sneaking around the resort, doing what I'm not supposed to be doing' and just written down that doesn't look so bad, but you'll just have to trust me when I say he delivered it in a way that made it sound very much like he was peeking at the housemaids in the showers or something. I guess I'd seen Spotlight not very long before this, so perhaps I wasn't at my most charitable, but everybody else picked up on this as well, it was all anyone talked about for the next 24 hours.

[Mark Albrighton]

I think on balance, I’d have preferred him to say “inseminate” than “plant his seed”. 

[Seat68]

45 minutes ago, sidcow said:

We absolutely wanted no first dance. Categorically, so we didn't choose one. 

But unbeknown to us people were pressing the DJ to do one, and so we were called forward to do one, only for the DJ to play Jennifer bloody Rush, The Power of Love. 

There is a video somewhere of me turning to camera half way through the dance and putting my fingers down my throat. 

Big life lesson, pick your own tune.  I would have gone for Love Shack or something as first dance. 

Size of a cow by the Wonderstuff. 

[sidcow]

19 minutes ago, Seat68 said:

Size of a cow by the Wonderstuff. 

It was 100% on the playlist, has a special place for a large part of my group due to it's legendary status at a series of parties. 

[Sam-AVFC]

1 hour ago, sidcow said:

We absolutely wanted no first dance. Categorically, so we didn't choose one. 

But unbeknown to us people were pressing the DJ to do one, and so we were called forward to do one, only for the DJ to play Jennifer bloody Rush, The Power of Love. 

There is a video somewhere of me turning to camera half way through the dance and putting my fingers down my throat. 

Big life lesson, pick your own tune.  I would have gone for Love Shack or something as first dance. 

Doing a first dance in front of everyone is my idea of a nightmare and I wouldn't be at all impressed with my friends if they did that.

Refusing inevitably turns you into the miserable bastard at your own wedding and you'd end up with elderly relatives commenting on it forever more. 

[BOF]

2 hours ago, sidcow said:

We absolutely wanted no first dance. Categorically, so we didn't choose one. 

But unbeknown to us people were pressing the DJ to do one, and so we were called forward to do one, only for the DJ to play Jennifer bloody Rush, The Power of Love. 

There is a video somewhere of me turning to camera half way through the dance and putting my fingers down my throat. 

Big life lesson, pick your own tune.  I would have gone for Love Shack or something as first dance. 

Thank God they picked a banger.

[AVFC_Hitz]

I got married in St Antoine church in Istanbul. They guaranteed the church for 500 lira which is a bargain for one of the top tourist attractions in the city. What they couldn't guarantee was stopping tourists as the ceremony was finishing. So at the end, I'm stood in a line for 20 minutes as her family members pin money and gold on my lapels. Another 20 minutes pass and I'm still having my hand shaken. Her family and guests totalled nearly a hundred...so I think I'm still going through them. Then another 20 minutes passes as Japanese tourists came to shake my hand with cameras around their necks. There's camera rolls in Japanese villages with a picture of large bloke wishing people would **** off.