Paddy's "Things that cheer you up"

[bickster 16,643]

2 hours ago, rjw63 said:

I've done that numerous times, only I change the last line to "everybody got killed except me".

I've had a range of reactions, from disgust to slamming the phone down.

In other words, result.

You should try...

I was parked in a layby and someone crashed into me.  My penis was bitten off on impact....

 

[blandy 15,784]

54 minutes ago, bickster said:

I was parked in a layby and someone crashed into me.  My penis was bitten of on impact....

I bet they're dogged by that sort of claim.

[BOF 25,400]

On 19/11/2020 at 11:49, Amsterdam_Neil_D said:

On 19/11/2020 at 11:20, Wainy316 said:

Seems like a few flu jab letters have gone out in error.  The wife got one too.

I have had it for as long as I can remember.  It really works.

It's why I will always pay my bear tax. Not a single attack ever.

 

No I'm not an anti-vaxxer. I was just jokin' for teh lulz

[theunderstudy 316]

3 hours ago, bickster said:

You should try...

I was parked in a layby and someone crashed into me.  My penis was bitten off on impact....

 

I used to work in insurance fraud investigation, specifically uninsured and untaxed accidents and I've seen all sorts from alleged 5-year whiplash to the deaths of everyone involved.. I've not had one admit to dogging

[theunderstudy 316]

I could fill a whole thread with some of the best and weirdest accidents I've investigated including a ferret in a bucket flying out of the passenger window to a 4 v 5 ethnically-charged beatdown involving pepper spray. It's really a wild world 

[bickster 16,643]

Came home from work and the missus seems a little short with me... I'm puzzled but hope whatever is causing the problem will disappear.

I go to the bathroom to wash my hands and go backdownstairs again and put the kettle on

The missus gives me a very terse... "Who has sent your flowers! They are on the table!" and flounces off

Me, I'm like WTF and go to investigate the flowerrs. Send from Waitrose, addressed to me. I'm thinking this is mighty odd, I've never been sent flowers before... ever!

Opens up the box... they are from Waitrose themselves.

I retire to the man cave and laugh

 

The missus waits two minutes and then comes to ask me who they are from

I laugh again and tell her to go look for herself

 

Thanks for the flowers Waitrose, cheered me up no end but not in the way you expected them too

The missus is now happy but also a little sheepish

 

We thinks its because we haven't been using the loyalty card for months because it basically fell off my keyring and we need a replacement but can't be arsed to get one

 

[lapal_fan 11,610]

2 minutes ago, bickster said:

Came home from work and the missus seems a little short with me... I'm puzzled but hope whatever is causing the problem will disappear.

I go to the bathroom to wash my hands and go backdownstairs again and put the kettle on

The missus gives me a very terse... "Who has sent your flowers! They are on the table!" and flounces off

Me, I'm like WTF and go to investigate the flowerrs. Send from Waitrose, addressed to me. I'm thinking this is mighty odd, I've never been sent flowers before... ever!

Opens up the box... they are from Waitrose themselves.

I retire to the man cave and laugh

 

The missus waits two minutes and then comes to ask me who they are from

I laugh again and tell her to go look for herself

 

Thanks for the flowers Waitrose, cheered me up no end but not in the way you expected them too

The missus is now happy but also a little sheepish

 

We thinks its because we haven't been using the loyalty card for months because it basically fell off my keyring and we need a replacement but can't be arsed to get one

 

I imagine she has to be very territorial being married to such a pussy magnet.

Should count herself lucky.

[bickster 16,643]

Just now, lapal_fan said:

I imagine she has to be very territorial being married to such a pussy magnet.

Should count herself lucky.

You are of course, entirely correct

[snowychap 11,925]

4 hours ago, bickster said:

You should try...

I was parked in a layby and someone crashed into me.  My penis was bitten off on impact....

 

World according to Garp-style.

[choffer 7,583]

It’s very odd and I’m a little bit creeped out by it but mostly I’m just glad that people like this exist...

 

[Seat68 7,359]

1 hour ago, choffer said:

It’s very odd and I’m a little bit creeped out by it but mostly I’m just glad that people like this exist...

 

Joe Pasquale’s lad if I am correct. 

[Davkaus 18,316]

51 minutes ago, Seat68 said:

Joe Pasquale’s lad if I am correct. 

I didn't know that being an irritating word removed was hereditary. 

 

Edited November 21, 2020 by Davkaus

[Xela 25,076]

Getting the motor back after it passed the MOT re-test.

[Genie 10,168]

 

[It's Your Round 5,407]

Ordered an UGG care kit for the missus, £12, to go with some new boots I’ve bought her for Christmas. It was delivered today, opened the box to find a brand new pair of £200 boots. No care kit. I checked the emails and my bank, I’ve definitely only been charged £12, and the order shows that the care kit was delivered. 

Unfortunately they’re the wrong size for her, so they’ll go on eBay instead. I could return them, but where’s the fun in that?
 

 

[Xela 25,076]

Got next week off work. 

My first full week off work since last November. 

[It's Your Round 5,407]

Just now, Xela said:

Got next week off work. 

My first full week off work since last November. 

Yeah but working from home, you’ve basically had since April off, right? 

[Xela 25,076]

2 minutes ago, It's Your Round said:

Yeah but working from home, you’ve basically had since April off, right? 

Ssssshhhhh!  

 

[chrisp65 29,764]

Commentator on BBC’s coverage of Stevenage vs Hull doing some of the best Partridge I’ve heard in a while.

Stand out examples include:

”it’s King Arthur stuff here for Stevenage, except it’s not the round table, it’s the third round!”

followed during the 7th round of penalties by

”well, I have to start another sheet of paper here, I hadn’t accounted for so many penalties, but we are where we are”

 

[mjmooney 27,420]

3 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

Commentator on BBC’s coverage of Stevenage vs Hull doing some of the best Partridge I’ve heard in a while.

Stand out examples include:

”it’s King Arthur stuff here for Stevenage, except it’s not the round table, it’s the third round!”

followed during the 7th round of penalties by

”well, I have to start another sheet of paper here, I hadn’t accounted for so many penalties, but we are where we are”

A few years ago, when Emley went a long way in the Cup, and got a live BBC1 game, I was really disappointed that they didn't use Pink Floyd's "See 'Emley' Play" ("Three games from May...")