General Chat

[Davkaus]

This morning I've learned that fire tornados are a thing.

**** hell.

[lapal_fan]

42 minutes ago, Davkaus said:

This morning I've learned that fire tornados are a thing.

**** hell.

Not entirely uncommon.  But can be pretty destructive if they start up in the wrong places.  But homes tend to be easily defended. 

[wazzap24]

I’ve just gone back a few pages on this thread as it’s one I rarely read for some reason. 

I know it was a month ago, but I missed the poo stories and I might not get another chance to tell people about the time I had both the best and worst poo of my life so far.........

It started in the middle of the night, when I was awoken by a cramp in my stomach. First one didn’t last long and wasn’t massively painful,  so I drifted back off to sleep. Then another hit - same again, then back to sleep. Then another and another, but now each one was a bit more painful and a bit longer lasting than the one before. Over the next hour, the cramps started getting closer and closer together. 

I’m wide awake now and after one last, prolonged cramp, whatever was causing them had decided it wanted out. 

Got to the loo and sat down. What followed was Initially, the most amazing poo I’ve ever had. 

Now I’ve experienced a decent amount of pleasure in my life - I’ve taken some great drugs, had some great sex and done lot’s of other great things that left me feeling elated, but this was something else. 

Firstly, It was MASSIVE. I’ve never had a poo like it before or since. It came out in one long log and honestly, It must have lasted about 15-20 seconds and been around 50cm in length. It felt like it was never going to end, but also felt so good - It gave me a full lob on. 

I leant back on the throne, stark bollock naked, little throbber standing to attention, in a state of absolute euphoric bliss, basking in an semi-erotic, post-poo glow. For about 45 seconds, I felt like I’d literally won at life. 

Life? Completed it mate. 

Then out of nowhere, a huge wave of nausea hit me like a dingy being broadsided by Tsunami. 

Our bathroom is pretty small, so the sink is only about 1 1/2 steps forward and right from the toilet. I Lurched forward as I wretched and spewed into the sink. Then as the second wave of sickness came....... I realised the other end wasn’t done with me yet. 

As I spewed again, I simultaneously unleashed a torrent of diarrhoea up the bathroom wall behind me, all over (and behind) the radiator, all across the floor and onto the bath mat. This happened 3 more times in quick succession.

The fourth time there was no poo left, so I flushed and leant down by the toilet. Big mistake. The sickness hit again and the lack of diarrhoea had been a false dawn, now my arse is pointing at the door and another jet stream fired out across the bathroom. By the time the sickness had subsided and I was able to survey the scene - half the bathroom looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. 

I thought I was dying, I’ve never felt so ill. I was a physical wreck and could do nothing but lie down in a pool of my own poo, sweating and shivering. I lay like this for about 45 mins until it started to subside and then it took over 2 1/2 hours to clean and bleach everything down afterwards. I still get flashbacks about it now and it happened about 3 years ago. 

I’ve never gone from such a high to such a low in the space of a couple of minutes. If it hadn’t been for the sickness, I reckon that first poo would have gone in the wank bank. 

Thanks. 

Waz 

 

 

 

[Brumstopdogs]

[KentVillan]

Tom Hanks looks like he still hasn't got over the Watford game.

[Jimzk5]

I've felt like shit over the last 4 days, put it down to a cold as my mom and both my kids have had one, battled on at work culminating in me collapsing Sunday night after an acute asthma attack 

Now in hospital with pneumonia, the care provided by the NHS has been exceptional

[wazzap24]

Get well soon mate. 

[Stevo985]

47 minutes ago, Jimzk5 said:

I've felt like shit over the last 4 days, put it down to a cold as my mom and both my kids have had one, battled on at work culminating in me collapsing Sunday night after an acute asthma attack 

Now in hospital with pneumonia, the care provided by the NHS has been exceptional

The like was for you being ok and getting good care!

 

Get well soon bud

[chrisp65]

How posh is radio 4?

There was a panel discussing Little Dorrit and someone referred to Little Fanny and none of them laughed.

[mottaloo]

On 04/01/2020 at 16:42, wazzap24 said:

I’ve just gone back a few pages on this thread as it’s one I rarely read for some reason. 

I know it was a month ago, but I missed the poo stories and I might not get another chance to tell people about the time I had both the best and worst poo of my life so far.........

It started in the middle of the night, when I was awoken by a cramp in my stomach. First one didn’t last long and wasn’t massively painful,  so I drifted back off to sleep. Then another hit - same again, then back to sleep. Then another and another, but now each one was a bit more painful and a bit longer lasting than the one before. Over the next hour, the cramps started getting closer and closer together. 

I’m wide awake now and after one last, prolonged cramp, whatever was causing them had decided it wanted out. 

Got to the loo and sat down. What followed was Initially, the most amazing poo I’ve ever had. 

Now I’ve experienced a decent amount of pleasure in my life - I’ve taken some great drugs, had some great sex and done lot’s of other great things that left me feeling elated, but this was something else. 

Firstly, It was MASSIVE. I’ve never had a poo like it before or since. It came out in one long log and honestly, It must have lasted about 15-20 seconds and been around 50cm in length. It felt like it was never going to end, but also felt so good - It gave me a full lob on. 

I leant back on the throne, stark bollock naked, little throbber standing to attention, in a state of absolute euphoric bliss, basking in an semi-erotic, post-poo glow. For about 45 seconds, I felt like I’d literally won at life. 

Life? Completed it mate. 

Then out of nowhere, a huge wave of nausea hit me like a dingy being broadsided by Tsunami. 

Our bathroom is pretty small, so the sink is only about 1 1/2 steps forward and right from the toilet. I Lurched forward as I wretched and spewed into the sink. Then as the second wave of sickness came....... I realised the other end wasn’t done with me yet. 

As I spewed again, I simultaneously unleashed a torrent of diarrhoea up the bathroom wall behind me, all over (and behind) the radiator, all across the floor and onto the bath mat. This happened 3 more times in quick succession.

The fourth time there was no poo left, so I flushed and leant down by the toilet. Big mistake. The sickness hit again and the lack of diarrhoea had been a false dawn, now my arse is pointing at the door and another jet stream fired out across the bathroom. By the time the sickness had subsided and I was able to survey the scene - half the bathroom looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. 

I thought I was dying, I’ve never felt so ill. I was a physical wreck and could do nothing but lie down in a pool of my own poo, sweating and shivering. I lay like this for about 45 mins until it started to subside and then it took over 2 1/2 hours to clean and bleach everything down afterwards. I still get flashbacks about it now and it happened about 3 years ago. 

I’ve never gone from such a high to such a low in the space of a couple of minutes. If it hadn’t been for the sickness, I reckon that first poo would have gone in the wank bank. 

Thanks. 

Waz 

 

 

 

[wazzap24]

14 hours ago, mottaloo said:

The wife took this one during the clean up. 

[chrisp65]

Apparently Lidl are doing 5 kilos of beyond its best before date fruit n veg for £1.50 up until midday everyday.

 

[bickster]

Do Lidl discount it before the date is up?

[chrisp65]

13 minutes ago, bickster said:

Do Lidl discount it before the date is up?

I don’t know. 

But the date is a best before, and it’s veg, so the date should be discounted and you should use your basic nouse.

[bickster]

41 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

I don’t know. 

But the date is a best before, and it’s veg, so the date should be discounted and you should use your basic nouse.

No my point is most supermarkets discount before that point, so Lidl is actually charging full Lidl price up until the last minute.

Also I wouldn't be buying any boxes with bananas in, as I forget the gas they give off but it essentially rots all the other fruit and veg around it. Bananas should always be separate from everything else

[chrisp65]

15 minutes ago, bickster said:

No my point is most supermarkets discount before that point, so Lidl is actually charging full Lidl price up until the last minute.

Also I wouldn't be buying any boxes with bananas in, as I forget the gas they give off but it essentially rots all the other fruit and veg around it. Bananas should always be separate from everything else

I think once you’ve bought it you’re allowed to take the bananas out.

It’s 5 kilo’s for £1.50, that’s the same price as two pieces of broccoli in Morrisons. Admittedly, it wouldn’t be ideal for people doing a weekly shop and needing stuff to stay fresh for 5 days, but if you see the ingredients for a meal this evening .... £1.50

For us, we’ve stopped doing the weekly shop, so it would totally suit us. We’re buying food and eating it, but then we’ve got a choice os shops walking distance from work and en route for the drive home so its easy for us to do. 

[tonyh29]

Attractive as that offer is having giving it some thought I’d rather spend the £1.50 on bacon 

[lapal_fan]

Oooh, imagine what @peterms could do with that  

@wazzap24 - great story man  

[chrisp65]

3 hours ago, tonyh29 said:

Attractive as that offer is having giving it some thought I’d rather spend the £1.50 on bacon 

Christmas guests cancelled last minute after all the meat was bought. I’d predicted a mad demand for pigs in blankets so properly stocked up on bacon. 

Result was enough bacon for about 100 pigs in blankets.

2 weeks later, it’s all gone, meat drawer in the fridge is empty, a single carton of diced beef in the freezer.

Now would not be the time for me to have any sort of medical check up.

[Paddywhack]

I've posted elsewhere on here that I came back to work after Christmas on 27th December and since then, I've had absolutely nothing to do for 8 hours a day. We have a mountain of work waiting for us, but we've got to wait for the green light, so I'm trying to enjoy the calm before the storm.

Over Christmas, my 8 month old boy's routine seemed to completely change and he's apparently going through a 'development stage', so after feeding and bathing him, it's taking hours to finally get him to settle for the night. He's got a cold at the moment and he's all blocked up too, so that's not helping. It was 1:30am Sunday night/Monday morning before he got to sleep and then he was waking up and crying every hour or two.

I know it's a stupid, first world problem, every parent in the world has been through it and many other people have much tougher lives, but I honestly don't think I've ever been as tired as I am right now. That combined with sat doing nothing at my desk for hours, I think it's sent me a bit doolally. I'm slurring my words, zoning out, forgetting what I'm doing etc. I'd love to turn my phone off, check in to a hotel somewhere and sleep for 16 hours straight. I think that might be slightly unfair on my wife though.

Edited January 8, 2020 by Paddywhack