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1 hour ago, Chindie said:

A woman bustles past. She's going to use the loo. She's given in, but you won't. Hmm... She's not opened the door. Ah ****, either some clearing in the woods is sitting in the loo because they're a word removed or its bust. ****. ****. ****. The woman bustles past, crossing her legs and hurries off at the next station. Mindfulness, focus on the breath, you're nearly in New Street, you feel dodgy but you always feel dodgy. It's not long to the station. Focus on the breath, the podcast, whatever.

Fortunately I've yet to be in a position that i've needed to use the bog on the train. Planes, yes, try not pooing for 12 hours when you have a bowel disease! I have however utilised the facilities at many train stations and the ones at New Street aren't too bad. Much better than before the redevelopment. 

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I had a massive poo over Greenland last week on my way to Las Vegas. 

Such was it's size and square meterage, I think they should change the countries name. 

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I had a decent holiday a few decades back, a safari around Kenya.
We were out in the middle of nowhere and I needed a crap. We’d stopped at a clearing, not a surly local, an actual clearing in the bush and there was a toilet block. I remember thinking, that’s odd, how have they got a toilet block 100 miles from anywhere? Where does the drainage go? I distinctly remember thinking that as I was walking in there. Because it was 100 miles from anywhere there was no electric light but as my eyes were adjusting to the dark my nose was telling me that hunch I’d had about drainage, that was a good hunch.
In the toilet block it turned out it was actually just 4 walls and a roof, and inside a giant pyramid of shit. As tall as me. How were they getting it up there? It must have been someone’s job to pyramid the shit.
Five minutes later I was having a perfectly nice crap 50 metres down the road behind a bush. Quite the experience, shitting behind a leafless bush with 6 other people pretending not to notice. We'd pretty much all shat somewhere open and novel by the end of the trip, it was quite a bonding experience.
I imagine at some point an attendant came along, gathered up my deposit and gave it pride of place at the top of the poo pyramid in the toilet building.
 

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3 hours ago, Chindie said:

The parking attendant decides that today, at a train station, at the beginning of the commuter day, when there's just about to be a train pulling in, when I'm obviously a commuter, that now, is the time to let me know about the possibility of my cat being broken into. He's a nice man but, I need to get on a train, so I nod and say yes and yes in that typical British way of trying to politely get someone to shut up because I'm obviously in a rush.

Why would someone break into your cat? How did he know that you even had a cat? Was it a euphemism? Are you now worried for your cat or nether regions? How would you even break into a cat (that's probably for the ask BOF anything thread in fairness)?

I have so many unanswered questions

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2 hours ago, Xela said:

Fortunately I've yet to be in a position that i've needed to use the bog on the train. Planes, yes, try not pooing for 12 hours when you have a bowel disease! I have however utilised the facilities at many train stations and the ones at New Street aren't too bad. Much better than before the redevelopment. 

Can't you get a commode fitted into your wheelchair?  Seriously though I'd rather have a shit on the train than at most stations I think.

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56 minutes ago, mrbojangles said:

Why would someone break into your cat? How did he know that you even had a cat? Was it a euphemism? Are you now worried for your cat or nether regions? How would you even break into a cat (that's probably for the ask BOF anything thread in fairness)?

I have so many unanswered questions

cat burglars

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Manchester is very dull. The weather is shit I know but this place is depressing. Good job it's only overnight at a Premier before jetting off to somewhere warm. Not that I care if it's warm. I like the idea of free ale on tap all day 😁

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I am blessed with a similar but less severe affliction to @Xela and one morning on my commute to Birmingham I chose to get off my train and spend a full hour in a cubicle in Wolves train station. Ah good times. 

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21 hours ago, A'Villan said:

Get those creative juices flowing and make your own itinerary.

You could go kayaking/canoeing (rowing is a great workout), throw in some hiking or jogging and a campsite with some people to mingle with.

Throw in some good old circuit training if you need to burn some energy, pushups, dips, crunches, leg raises, squats, calf raises, just simple body weight stuff.

Its friggin winter here dude, he's more likely to die than get fit

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Did you know that if you have a jacket potato with chilli con carne for lunch and then get home and find your wife has made enchiladas, you can’t get off the toilet the following morning?

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6 minutes ago, bannedfromHandV said:

We doing poop stories, cos I have a cracker.

Some of you may question why I share this so readily, given the embarassement factor but it's just one of those stories where it'd be selfish to keep it to yourself only.

 

So I met a girl (not gonna lie, on Tinder) back in 2015, think it was around June time we started meeting up and dating. Anyway, got quite serious quite quickly and perhaps 3 or 4 months later I think it was, we were invited to her family's annual get together at a relatively posh Italian place in Newton-le-Willows (posh for me anyway, considering my background).

So I figured ya know, be like close family, usual kind of shit.........we arrived and there was about 40 of them there, cousins, second cousins, old neighbours......a lot of people. I get a little bit uncomfortable in these kind of situations anyway so it was already a stressful kind of evening but it was okay, we started the meal, all was good, smashed through two courses and had a couple of beers and a glass of wine or two. Everything was going swimmingly, chatting away with her Mum and Dad who we were sat next to and who I'd met a few times already, hadn't met anyone else though really before.

So after the main meal, I needed a slash, headed off to the toilet which was right on the opposite side of this fairly large restaurant, we were positioned about as far away from the toilets as possible anyway. So off I go - now I have to add at this stage, I felt absolutely fine, in fact after a few drinks I felt better than fine. 

So I go to the toilet, walk in and there's a few little kids messing about but they quickly exited leaving me alone, toilets were quite small, couple of urinals and one cubicle. So I start pissing in one of the urinals and halfway through, as often happens I needed to fart, so fart I did - and to this day, it will haunt me as one of my worst ever decisions.

From nowhere came an avalanche of diarrhoea, it was horrendous, right down my legs - the works. I actually laughed initially but then after a second or two the realisation set in. I hopped into the cubicle quickly to assess the situation and it was about as bad as you can picture. I was wearing jeans (my favourite jeans) and they were caked in it, my pants were obviously a write off but there wasn't even a bin in there so I had to just roll them up and 'hide' them behind the toilet (they weren't hidden whatsoever). I realised I didn't have my phone with me, absolute panic stations.

In the end I just had to wipe up what I could, put my jeans back on and then had to walk across the breadth of the restaurant to get back to my girlfriend, pulling my shirt down over the back of my jeans in some attempt to hide the carnage (oh and by the way, the restaurant was packed). 

Told her I had a problem and we had to go outside, explained the situation and showed her the damage. We talked for a while about what to do, before settling on my having had a crazy bad migraine from nowhere an needed to leave, which we did, me remaining outside whilst waiting for a taxi. I then had to hover over the seat in the taxi as best possible, all the while trying me best not to have a total breakdown.

To compound it all, when we got back to her house, I cried.

She's still with me to this day believe it or not.

 

***apologies if I've shared this previously on here***

This is my biggest nightmare, I probably run through a variation of this scenario in my head at least once a week, a what the **** if situation. You have my utmost respect and sympathy.

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7 hours ago, Paddywhack said:

Did you know that if you have a jacket potato with chilli con carne for lunch and then get home and find your wife has made enchiladas, you can’t get off the toilet the following morning?

How's it going? 

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I shat myself in a youth hostel in Melbourne once.  I'd felt unwell at the zoo so went back for a nap and woke up with a wet arse, just about managed to get to the showers hopefully without anyone realising and then changed the duvet for one from another of the bunk beds.  Bit of a dick move really.

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Completely off the subject of shite for a minute, I had a few stellas last night and got a wee bit happy on Amazon, ended up buying 2 bottles of rum and a bottle of moonshine 🥴

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I was tending bar in Boston on a busy Friday night. About mid shift I sensed something was wrong. I told the other bartenders I was going to the men's room. I have a public toilet phobia, so I always squat over the bowl without my bum touching the seat. It was a bad time to honor tradition. I proceeded to turboblast the entire white tile wall behind the toilet. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in all brown. Horrifying and thoroughly shame inducing. I did my best to clean it up, but I was pressed for time and couldn't stay in there too long. I still feel guilty that some other human being had to clean it up. 

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6 hours ago, maqroll said:

I was tending bar in Boston on a busy Friday night. About mid shift I sensed something was wrong. I told the other bartenders I was going to the men's room. I have a public toilet phobia, so I always squat over the bowl without my bum touching the seat. It was a bad time to honor tradition. I proceeded to turboblast the entire white tile wall behind the toilet. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in all brown. Horrifying and thoroughly shame inducing. I did my best to clean it up, but I was pressed for time and couldn't stay in there too long. I still feel guilty that some other human being had to clean it up. 

I did that at Sun Yat Sen's mausoleum once.

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