Paddywhack Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 Did you know that if you have a jacket potato with chilli con carne for lunch and then get home and find your wife has made enchiladas, you can’t get off the toilet the following morning? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post bannedfromHandV Posted November 29, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted November 29, 2019 We doing poop stories, cos I have a cracker. Some of you may question why I share this so readily, given the embarassement factor but it's just one of those stories where it'd be selfish to keep it to yourself only. So I met a girl (not gonna lie, on Tinder) back in 2015, think it was around June time we started meeting up and dating. Anyway, got quite serious quite quickly and perhaps 3 or 4 months later I think it was, we were invited to her family's annual get together at a relatively posh Italian place in Newton-le-Willows (posh for me anyway, considering my background). So I figured ya know, be like close family, usual kind of shit.........we arrived and there was about 40 of them there, cousins, second cousins, old neighbours......a lot of people. I get a little bit uncomfortable in these kind of situations anyway so it was already a stressful kind of evening but it was okay, we started the meal, all was good, smashed through two courses and had a couple of beers and a glass of wine or two. Everything was going swimmingly, chatting away with her Mum and Dad who we were sat next to and who I'd met a few times already, hadn't met anyone else though really before. So after the main meal, I needed a slash, headed off to the toilet which was right on the opposite side of this fairly large restaurant, we were positioned about as far away from the toilets as possible anyway. So off I go - now I have to add at this stage, I felt absolutely fine, in fact after a few drinks I felt better than fine. So I go to the toilet, walk in and there's a few little kids messing about but they quickly exited leaving me alone, toilets were quite small, couple of urinals and one cubicle. So I start pissing in one of the urinals and halfway through, as often happens I needed to fart, so fart I did - and to this day, it will haunt me as one of my worst ever decisions. From nowhere came an avalanche of diarrhoea, it was horrendous, right down my legs - the works. I actually laughed initially but then after a second or two the realisation set in. I hopped into the cubicle quickly to assess the situation and it was about as bad as you can picture. I was wearing jeans (my favourite jeans) and they were caked in it, my pants were obviously a write off but there wasn't even a bin in there so I had to just roll them up and 'hide' them behind the toilet (they weren't hidden whatsoever). I realised I didn't have my phone with me, absolute panic stations. In the end I just had to wipe up what I could, put my jeans back on and then had to walk across the breadth of the restaurant to get back to my girlfriend, pulling my shirt down over the back of my jeans in some attempt to hide the carnage (oh and by the way, the restaurant was packed). Told her I had a problem and we had to go outside, explained the situation and showed her the damage. We talked for a while about what to do, before settling on my having had a crazy bad migraine from nowhere an needed to leave, which we did, me remaining outside whilst waiting for a taxi. I then had to hover over the seat in the taxi as best possible, all the while trying me best not to have a total breakdown. To compound it all, when we got back to her house, I cried. She's still with me to this day believe it or not. ***apologies if I've shared this previously on here*** 3 1 11 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seat68 Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 6 minutes ago, bannedfromHandV said: We doing poop stories, cos I have a cracker. Some of you may question why I share this so readily, given the embarassement factor but it's just one of those stories where it'd be selfish to keep it to yourself only. So I met a girl (not gonna lie, on Tinder) back in 2015, think it was around June time we started meeting up and dating. Anyway, got quite serious quite quickly and perhaps 3 or 4 months later I think it was, we were invited to her family's annual get together at a relatively posh Italian place in Newton-le-Willows (posh for me anyway, considering my background). So I figured ya know, be like close family, usual kind of shit.........we arrived and there was about 40 of them there, cousins, second cousins, old neighbours......a lot of people. I get a little bit uncomfortable in these kind of situations anyway so it was already a stressful kind of evening but it was okay, we started the meal, all was good, smashed through two courses and had a couple of beers and a glass of wine or two. Everything was going swimmingly, chatting away with her Mum and Dad who we were sat next to and who I'd met a few times already, hadn't met anyone else though really before. So after the main meal, I needed a slash, headed off to the toilet which was right on the opposite side of this fairly large restaurant, we were positioned about as far away from the toilets as possible anyway. So off I go - now I have to add at this stage, I felt absolutely fine, in fact after a few drinks I felt better than fine. So I go to the toilet, walk in and there's a few little kids messing about but they quickly exited leaving me alone, toilets were quite small, couple of urinals and one cubicle. So I start pissing in one of the urinals and halfway through, as often happens I needed to fart, so fart I did - and to this day, it will haunt me as one of my worst ever decisions. From nowhere came an avalanche of diarrhoea, it was horrendous, right down my legs - the works. I actually laughed initially but then after a second or two the realisation set in. I hopped into the cubicle quickly to assess the situation and it was about as bad as you can picture. I was wearing jeans (my favourite jeans) and they were caked in it, my pants were obviously a write off but there wasn't even a bin in there so I had to just roll them up and 'hide' them behind the toilet (they weren't hidden whatsoever). I realised I didn't have my phone with me, absolute panic stations. In the end I just had to wipe up what I could, put my jeans back on and then had to walk across the breadth of the restaurant to get back to my girlfriend, pulling my shirt down over the back of my jeans in some attempt to hide the carnage (oh and by the way, the restaurant was packed). Told her I had a problem and we had to go outside, explained the situation and showed her the damage. We talked for a while about what to do, before settling on my having had a crazy bad migraine from nowhere an needed to leave, which we did, me remaining outside whilst waiting for a taxi. I then had to hover over the seat in the taxi as best possible, all the while trying me best not to have a total breakdown. To compound it all, when we got back to her house, I cried. She's still with me to this day believe it or not. ***apologies if I've shared this previously on here*** This is my biggest nightmare, I probably run through a variation of this scenario in my head at least once a week, a what the **** if situation. You have my utmost respect and sympathy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 7 hours ago, Paddywhack said: Did you know that if you have a jacket potato with chilli con carne for lunch and then get home and find your wife has made enchiladas, you can’t get off the toilet the following morning? How's it going? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 I shat myself in a youth hostel in Melbourne once. I'd felt unwell at the zoo so went back for a nap and woke up with a wet arse, just about managed to get to the showers hopefully without anyone realising and then changed the duvet for one from another of the bunk beds. Bit of a dick move really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post leemond2008 Posted November 30, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted November 30, 2019 I shat the bed last week, had a severe bout of food poisoning and severely sharted during the night, it ain't great when at one o'clock in the morning you are trying to change the sheets whilst firing out of both barrels. I ended off just stripping naked and getting in the bath and just unloading as required, not my finest moment. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leemond2008 Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 Completely off the subject of shite for a minute, I had a few stellas last night and got a wee bit happy on Amazon, ended up buying 2 bottles of rum and a bottle of moonshine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maqroll Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 I was tending bar in Boston on a busy Friday night. About mid shift I sensed something was wrong. I told the other bartenders I was going to the men's room. I have a public toilet phobia, so I always squat over the bowl without my bum touching the seat. It was a bad time to honor tradition. I proceeded to turboblast the entire white tile wall behind the toilet. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in all brown. Horrifying and thoroughly shame inducing. I did my best to clean it up, but I was pressed for time and couldn't stay in there too long. I still feel guilty that some other human being had to clean it up. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HanoiVillan Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 6 hours ago, maqroll said: I was tending bar in Boston on a busy Friday night. About mid shift I sensed something was wrong. I told the other bartenders I was going to the men's room. I have a public toilet phobia, so I always squat over the bowl without my bum touching the seat. It was a bad time to honor tradition. I proceeded to turboblast the entire white tile wall behind the toilet. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in all brown. Horrifying and thoroughly shame inducing. I did my best to clean it up, but I was pressed for time and couldn't stay in there too long. I still feel guilty that some other human being had to clean it up. I did that at Sun Yat Sen's mausoleum once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumstopdogs Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 7 hours ago, maqroll said: I was tending bar in Boston on a busy Friday night. About mid shift I sensed something was wrong. I told the other bartenders I was going to the men's room. I have a public toilet phobia, so I always squat over the bowl without my bum touching the seat. It was a bad time to honor tradition. I proceeded to turboblast the entire white tile wall behind the toilet. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in all brown. Horrifying and thoroughly shame inducing. I did my best to clean it up, but I was pressed for time and couldn't stay in there too long. I still feel guilty that some other human being had to clean it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 My take from @maqroll ‘s story, is that ‘tending bar in Boston’ is one of those super cool Sounding things everyone has on their long tick list but never gets within a light year of achieving. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maqroll Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 4 hours ago, chrisp65 said: My take from @maqroll ‘s story, is that ‘tending bar in Boston’ is one of those super cool Sounding things everyone has on their long tick list but never gets within a light year of achieving. Yeah, but aren't you the Mayor of Crwryyrdganmyrwdmawrbnr? That's way cooler. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 32 minutes ago, maqroll said: Yeah, but aren't you the Mayor of Crwryyrdganmyrwdmawrbnr? That's way cooler. Tywysog ffres y’r Ynys y Barri. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted December 1, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted December 1, 2019 55 minutes ago, chrisp65 said: Tywysog ffres y’r Ynys y Barri. Easy for you to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welnik Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 On 29/11/2019 at 15:23, bannedfromHandV said: We doing poop stories, cos I have a cracker. Some of you may question why I share this so readily, given the embarassement factor but it's just one of those stories where it'd be selfish to keep it to yourself only. So I met a girl (not gonna lie, on Tinder) back in 2015, think it was around June time we started meeting up and dating. Anyway, got quite serious quite quickly and perhaps 3 or 4 months later I think it was, we were invited to her family's annual get together at a relatively posh Italian place in Newton-le-Willows (posh for me anyway, considering my background). So I figured ya know, be like close family, usual kind of shit.........we arrived and there was about 40 of them there, cousins, second cousins, old neighbours......a lot of people. I get a little bit uncomfortable in these kind of situations anyway so it was already a stressful kind of evening but it was okay, we started the meal, all was good, smashed through two courses and had a couple of beers and a glass of wine or two. Everything was going swimmingly, chatting away with her Mum and Dad who we were sat next to and who I'd met a few times already, hadn't met anyone else though really before. So after the main meal, I needed a slash, headed off to the toilet which was right on the opposite side of this fairly large restaurant, we were positioned about as far away from the toilets as possible anyway. So off I go - now I have to add at this stage, I felt absolutely fine, in fact after a few drinks I felt better than fine. So I go to the toilet, walk in and there's a few little kids messing about but they quickly exited leaving me alone, toilets were quite small, couple of urinals and one cubicle. So I start pissing in one of the urinals and halfway through, as often happens I needed to fart, so fart I did - and to this day, it will haunt me as one of my worst ever decisions. From nowhere came an avalanche of diarrhoea, it was horrendous, right down my legs - the works. I actually laughed initially but then after a second or two the realisation set in. I hopped into the cubicle quickly to assess the situation and it was about as bad as you can picture. I was wearing jeans (my favourite jeans) and they were caked in it, my pants were obviously a write off but there wasn't even a bin in there so I had to just roll them up and 'hide' them behind the toilet (they weren't hidden whatsoever). I realised I didn't have my phone with me, absolute panic stations. In the end I just had to wipe up what I could, put my jeans back on and then had to walk across the breadth of the restaurant to get back to my girlfriend, pulling my shirt down over the back of my jeans in some attempt to hide the carnage (oh and by the way, the restaurant was packed). Told her I had a problem and we had to go outside, explained the situation and showed her the damage. We talked for a while about what to do, before settling on my having had a crazy bad migraine from nowhere an needed to leave, which we did, me remaining outside whilst waiting for a taxi. I then had to hover over the seat in the taxi as best possible, all the while trying me best not to have a total breakdown. To compound it all, when we got back to her house, I cried. She's still with me to this day believe it or not. ***apologies if I've shared this previously on here*** Not too related, but I was on the way home, busting for a piss to the point where I had a little back pressure and my kidneys were hurting. I'm stuck in horrendous traffic. I'm going to piss myself, look around the van, all I had was a large Costa cup. I'm at some roadworks on Hampton Lane. **** it, grabbed the cup, squirmed off my keks, let's go. Ah, such relief. OK, you can stop now! No, you really can stop! Took me ages to clean up the piss from the seat and the floor, and of course my keks were soaked! I don't think I've ever done so much piss, must have been nearly a gallon! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villaglint Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 3 minutes ago, welnik said: Not too related, but I was on the way home, busting for a piss to the point where I had a little back pressure and my kidneys were hurting. I'm stuck in horrendous traffic. I'm going to piss myself, look around the van, all I had was a large Costa cup. I'm at some roadworks on Hampton Lane. **** it, grabbed the cup, squirmed off my keks, let's go. Ah, such relief. OK, you can stop now! No, you really can stop! Took me ages to clean up the piss from the seat and the floor, and of course my keks were soaked! I don't think I've ever done so much piss, must have been nearly a gallon! I was once in a tent after a night at Oktoberfest and filled a 2 litre empty bottle with piss. It's amazing the volume you actually piss. As soon as I read Coffee Cup I laughed because I knew what was coming. When I pissed in that bottle I was terrified I wouldn't stop as it was getting to the top and I was still going. Luckily I just just managed to stop in time. I was in a tent with a mate of mine who was asleep so if it had overflowed and then I'd panic'd it would have been a hell of a way to wake my mate up! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welnik Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 2 minutes ago, villaglint said: I was once in a tent after a night at Oktoberfest and filled a 2 litre empty bottle with piss. It's amazing the volume you actually piss. As soon as I read Coffee Cup I laughed because I knew what was coming. When I pissed in that bottle I was terrified I wouldn't stop as it was getting to the top and I was still going. Luckily I just just managed to stop in time. I was in a tent with a mate of mine who was asleep so if it had overflowed and then I'd panic'd it would have been a hell of a way to wake my mate up! I read somewhere that the bladder holds around 200mm of fluid. The coffee cup is 400mm and it was properly overflowing! If course, I've then got to get rid of the piss in the cup, out of the window with my hand soaked. Cup in the recycling bin as soon as I got home. I never want to feel like that again 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 (edited) Was stuck in Oldbury on the motorway coming off at j2 (lol) literally 5 minutes from my old house, desperately needed a piss so bad. Held on for 20 minutes to the point where I thought I was going to explode like a massive piss balloon. Pain was unbearable but I was scared of being done for a public disorder or something but got to the point where I thought screw it. Pulled over into hard shoulder, blinkers on, got out car, had a piss up the wall, hopped over barrier, got back in the car and the cars behind me were clapping and laughing. Then miraculously within seconds the traffic disappeared and I went straight home. I justify the risk to myself by thinking that IF I hadn't jumped out to piss all over the fence and weeds then I'd still be stuck in that traffic to this day, so in a way I helped everyone I think. Edited December 2, 2019 by Ingram85 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 21 hours ago, chrisp65 said: Tywysog ffres y’r Ynys y Barri. Arddull Chris Mawr. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodgyknees Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 (edited) I've had a mad weekend with bets. I'm up nearly £300 on zero money invested. Ladbrokes offered a free £1 casino bet, I put it on 16 and won £36. I invested £2 on Villa to draw 2-2 and won £18 I then put £4 on an ACCA and won £204 I took part in Ladbrokes 1-2-3 free game to try and win £100, I got them all right but had Leicester to win 3-1, but got a free £5 bet I put that on West Brom, Rotherham and Cagliari to win - all scored winners in the 90th and I won £40 Luck be with me Edited December 2, 2019 by avfcDJ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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