Chindie Posted November 25, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted November 25, 2019 Someone has come into the office today that looks like Mark Francois in a wig. And now I've noticed it I can't stop noticing it. I'm glad I don't have anything to do with her as I don't think I could possibly take her seriously... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowychap Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maqroll Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 Is it just me, or do Romalu Lukaku and Stormzy look just like each other? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maqroll Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 Also, British rappers have shit names 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 They got porno mags too give you an erection and spotted dick in the frozen section Baneswell Express Baneswell Express 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A'Villan Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 On 25/11/2019 at 09:36, KentVillan said: Has anyone ever been on one of those week long bootcamp holidays? I've got a bit of free time before Christmas and fancy getting in shape before the New Year rush. Any suggestions which are actually fun and worth the money? Not after any new age / crossfit / triathlon / self help bollocks, just down to earth fitness, hiking, etc. and healthy food in a nice setting with normal people. Does this exist? Anywhere in Europe would be fine, but ideally UK. Get those creative juices flowing and make your own itinerary. You could go kayaking/canoeing (rowing is a great workout), throw in some hiking or jogging and a campsite with some people to mingle with. Throw in some good old circuit training if you need to burn some energy, pushups, dips, crunches, leg raises, squats, calf raises, just simple body weight stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 8 hours ago, maqroll said: Is it just me, or do Romalu Lukaku and Stormzy look just like each other? It’s not just you because it caused a big furore a couple of years back when a paper printed an article about one but a picture of the other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Chindie Posted November 28, 2019 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted November 28, 2019 (edited) In another edition of Chindie's Commuting Tales... Leave the house a little late this morning as stomach was playing me up severely. I check the route and train schedule as normal, and discover the train I could comfortably get had been cancelled, meaning I needed to leave now and get my arse in gear (literally), fast. I jump in the car, pull off the drive like I'm at Monaco, and then get a remarkably smooth first leg of the journey. Every light, green. Every junction, clear. Every roundabout, empty. Like driving at 5am the morning after Thanos snapped his fingers. Great. Then I hit a section of road that usually flies by. 40, no worries. Except this morning, this morning, there's a Honda Civic. And it doesn't do 40. It does 30. And only 30. The language turns blue. I open the window in the hope he can hear the ire spewing forth from the man behind him in the 20 year old supermini. And he goes all the way to the station. The station carpark, at the time I travel, is never that busy. But today, there's a queue to get in. I glance at my watch. 3 minutes. It's maybe doable. But Honda Civic man also doesn't do parking quickly. He can't find his change to give the attendant. I'm eyeing the station manically as the Civic light goes on, as the irritating bastard leans over to get some change he's magically found. Finally, I can pay my way and park up. I've got the change ready, the window is open, I don't care about my change I just want the bloody ticket and the get parked and on the platform NOW. 'I couldn't, err... We were looking round the car park yesterday and we... Well we noticed...'. The parking attendant decides that today, at a train station, at the beginning of the commuter day, when there's just about to be a train pulling in, when I'm obviously a commuter, that now, is the time to let me know about the possibility of my car being broken into. He's a nice man but, I need to get on a train, so I nod and say yes and yes in that typical British way of trying to politely get someone to shut up because I'm obviously in a rush. He finishes, I grab my ticket, saying the car into a bay, grab my bag and coat and sprint to the platform, jumping a stupid fence and running up the entranceway. I hear the train pull in half way to the concourse. I don't have a ticket. I'm not in a state to miss this train. I sprint down the stairs. Doors still open. I sprint across the platform. Doors closing. I get to the train. Doors too tight. **** **** BOLLOCKS ... The doors open again. Thank ****. I jump on and thank the guy standing outside who seemed to have took pity on me. Joy of joys, there's even a seat. And it's the carriage with the loo. Thank ****. My stomach settles a bit. ... I did lock the car right? I mean... You must've, surely. You just do these things. Obviously you did. And even if you didn't nobody is going to nick your piece of shit. It isn't worth the hassle. But you did lock it obviously. Hopefully you did. What's the worst that can happen? You don't have a heap of shit to drive around anymore. It'll be fine. ... I really don't feel great. But I'm determined to make a point to myself. You're not using the train loo. It's there, but you're not using it. You're fine. A woman bustles past. She's going to use the loo. She's given in, but you won't. Hmm... She's not opened the door. Ah ****, either some clearing in the woods is sitting in the loo because they're a word removed or its bust. ****. ****. ****. The woman bustles past, crossing her legs and hurries off at the next station. Mindfulness, focus on the breath, you're nearly in New Street, you feel dodgy but you always feel dodgy. It's not long to the station. Focus on the breath, the podcast, whatever. ... I've never felt the relief of seeing the dingy crowded platform of New Street so much. And I think my car will still be there when I go home. Hopefully. Edited November 28, 2019 by Chindie 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 (edited) I think you may suffer with some kind of anxiety. I was 10 minutes late for staff training today, this was me walking through the door; Edited November 28, 2019 by lapal_fan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 1 hour ago, Chindie said: A woman bustles past. She's going to use the loo. She's given in, but you won't. Hmm... She's not opened the door. Ah ****, either some clearing in the woods is sitting in the loo because they're a word removed or its bust. ****. ****. ****. The woman bustles past, crossing her legs and hurries off at the next station. Mindfulness, focus on the breath, you're nearly in New Street, you feel dodgy but you always feel dodgy. It's not long to the station. Focus on the breath, the podcast, whatever. Fortunately I've yet to be in a position that i've needed to use the bog on the train. Planes, yes, try not pooing for 12 hours when you have a bowel disease! I have however utilised the facilities at many train stations and the ones at New Street aren't too bad. Much better than before the redevelopment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 I had a massive poo over Greenland last week on my way to Las Vegas. Such was it's size and square meterage, I think they should change the countries name. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 I had a decent holiday a few decades back, a safari around Kenya. We were out in the middle of nowhere and I needed a crap. We’d stopped at a clearing, not a surly local, an actual clearing in the bush and there was a toilet block. I remember thinking, that’s odd, how have they got a toilet block 100 miles from anywhere? Where does the drainage go? I distinctly remember thinking that as I was walking in there. Because it was 100 miles from anywhere there was no electric light but as my eyes were adjusting to the dark my nose was telling me that hunch I’d had about drainage, that was a good hunch. In the toilet block it turned out it was actually just 4 walls and a roof, and inside a giant pyramid of shit. As tall as me. How were they getting it up there? It must have been someone’s job to pyramid the shit. Five minutes later I was having a perfectly nice crap 50 metres down the road behind a bush. Quite the experience, shitting behind a leafless bush with 6 other people pretending not to notice. We'd pretty much all shat somewhere open and novel by the end of the trip, it was quite a bonding experience. I imagine at some point an attendant came along, gathered up my deposit and gave it pride of place at the top of the poo pyramid in the toilet building. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrbojangles Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 3 hours ago, Chindie said: The parking attendant decides that today, at a train station, at the beginning of the commuter day, when there's just about to be a train pulling in, when I'm obviously a commuter, that now, is the time to let me know about the possibility of my cat being broken into. He's a nice man but, I need to get on a train, so I nod and say yes and yes in that typical British way of trying to politely get someone to shut up because I'm obviously in a rush. Why would someone break into your cat? How did he know that you even had a cat? Was it a euphemism? Are you now worried for your cat or nether regions? How would you even break into a cat (that's probably for the ask BOF anything thread in fairness)? I have so many unanswered questions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 I miss digitiser, Turner the worm, bamboozle etc... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 2 hours ago, Xela said: Fortunately I've yet to be in a position that i've needed to use the bog on the train. Planes, yes, try not pooing for 12 hours when you have a bowel disease! I have however utilised the facilities at many train stations and the ones at New Street aren't too bad. Much better than before the redevelopment. Can't you get a commode fitted into your wheelchair? Seriously though I'd rather have a shit on the train than at most stations I think. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 56 minutes ago, mrbojangles said: Why would someone break into your cat? How did he know that you even had a cat? Was it a euphemism? Are you now worried for your cat or nether regions? How would you even break into a cat (that's probably for the ask BOF anything thread in fairness)? I have so many unanswered questions cat burglars Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 Manchester is very dull. The weather is shit I know but this place is depressing. Good job it's only overnight at a Premier before jetting off to somewhere warm. Not that I care if it's warm. I like the idea of free ale on tap all day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Morley_crosses_to_Withe Posted November 28, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted November 28, 2019 As we’re doing poo stories: on a lads’ holiday years ago to Spain years ago, I charmed a young lady in to coming back to my hotel room. After giving her the most feeble three minutes of her life, I fell asleep, but during the night I woke up needing the most thunderous poo imaginable. I ran to the toilet and the sound of me sh***ing was like a diesel tractor spluttering along a country lane and the tiling in the bathroom just increased the acoustics of it all. What made it worse was it wasn’t just the one bowel movement, it was several, and you could have sipped each with a spoon. It seems I’d actually caught some kind of stomach bug because I spent the next few hours going backward and forwards to the toilet with my companion lying no more than a few feet from the adjoining bathroom wall. After a while, my friend for the evening finally got out of bed, but she wanted me to walk her down to street level and into a cab. I was worried I wouldn’t make it and thought I might splatter the inside of my shorts in the lift. Fortunately I made it downstairs without an accident, but soon as she got in to a waiting cab, I closed the door and couldn’t stop myself from letting out a fart and splattering the whole of my under crackers. As she turned to wave goodbye, I stood red-faced on the side of the road, waving back, hoping she wouldn’t notice it dripping down my legs. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seat68 Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 I am blessed with a similar but less severe affliction to @Xela and one morning on my commute to Birmingham I chose to get off my train and spend a full hour in a cubicle in Wolves train station. Ah good times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted November 28, 2019 Moderator Share Posted November 28, 2019 21 hours ago, A'Villan said: Get those creative juices flowing and make your own itinerary. You could go kayaking/canoeing (rowing is a great workout), throw in some hiking or jogging and a campsite with some people to mingle with. Throw in some good old circuit training if you need to burn some energy, pushups, dips, crunches, leg raises, squats, calf raises, just simple body weight stuff. Its friggin winter here dude, he's more likely to die than get fit 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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