Out of the mouths of babes

[leemond2008]

My nephew absolutely freaked the **** out of me before, he was sitting there playing around and laughing just being a normal kid, I think he was about 3 years old at the time, all of sudden he just completely stopped and stared into space, my sister was in the room with me and she said "Luke, Luke....Luke what's the matter, Luke are you ok" not concerned or anything, just wondering why he was being a spaceman, he turned his head and looked at us and completely deadpan said "I'm not Luke....I'm Trevor" he held our gaze for a few seconds and then turned around and carried on laughing and playing like nothing had happened, we asked him who the **** Trevor was and he had no idea what we were talking about, proper freaky that was.

But this all came from the same kid who once sat with his cheeks puffed out for about 5 minutes and when I asked him what he was doing he said "leave me alone, I'm being a cheeseburger"

[turvontour]

One moment always stands out for me, my son was about 5 years old, he fell over heavily on concrete while running. You had that second or so of silence and then the scream. I ran up to him to help, he was screaming crying with both knees bleeding from the fall, which he was looking at. He took a breath from the screaming, still fully in tears, looked up at me and said, "how old is Steve Bruce dad?". I burst out laughing and said I dont know and he told me not to laugh at him when he is hurt. Kids minds are fantastic.

Another when he was about 6 or 7, just going along in the car, about 10 mins of no interaction with him sat in the back, radio on quiet. He pipes up, "what do Scottish people have to sing for the happy birthday song?"

[sidcow]

My son once came home from nursery and announced in a very serious voice that some of the kids in his nursery had got into trouble for using square words. 

He also loved the Beverly Hills Cop 2 scene with the concrete mixer car chase scene. He used to ask us to put on the crumpet mixer. 

I think he was 14 before he realised Eddie Murphy wasn't German - we always selected the German audio on the DVD because of all the squaring. 

Edited February 5, 2021 by sidcow

[sidcow]

Mrs Sidcow has just remind me of a trip to the supermarket when my daughter was sat in the seat in the trolley. 

We were just going past a rather large woman when my daughter pointed right at her and shouted loudly "oh wow look at how fat that lady is" 

To be fair she was absolutely **** massive. 

[il_serpente]

1 hour ago, Enda said:

After many years, that useless lump finally proposed to my sister’s best mate Allison. Allison accepted his proposal.

My 3 year-old niece passed on the news in her own little way: “Uncle Enda, Allison has got in a cage!”

Metaphorically, that's not really too wide of the mark.

[kidlewis]

4 hours ago, sidcow said:

Mrs Sidcow has just remind me of a trip to the supermarket when my daughter was sat in the seat in the trolley. 

We were just going past a rather large woman when my daughter pointed right at her and shouted loudly "oh wow look at how fat that lady is" 

To be fair she was absolutely **** massive. 

This was what I came here to say

”look daddy.... big lady!”

Also see;

 

“What do you want to be when you are older?” (After super Saturday London 2012)

”I want to be black” in front of people by the swings.

 

“Dad can’t come to the phone because he’s having a poo”

youngest also banged himself on the coffee table (it’s the only time I cannot avoid swearing in front of anyone) 

“F*club’ hell. Stupid table” in front of the in laws. Very much the Meet the Fokers moment. 

One thing kids that age don’t know or care for is societal peer pressure. The innocence is great. The world would be better for it if we were all like that. 

[Seat68]

My daughter on a bus in Telford in the early 90s. An African gentleman gets on. 
 

“he’s a dark one isn’t he.”

I have collected the things she has come out with as an adult. These were all from her late teens and early 20s. 

 

 

We are sat watching Project Runway and a contestant is talking, 

Daughter says, her voice is so monochrome. She pauses, giggles and says, I meant monotone.

 

Daughter is sat with her boyfriend and see’s Thierry Henry on the television.

His name is up on the screen and so asks  how to pronounce it.

Is it Thairy Hairy?

 

 

Me and my daughter were sat down last night and an advert for a Twix came on, due to the diets we are all chocolate needy at the moment so there was various mmm’s. Daughter said, oh I would love some such chocolate, and I replied, I would love a boost. To this daughter said,“I liked them when they had gargantuan”.“Gargantuan”? says I.

“Gargantuan” says daughter.

“Don’t you mean Guarana?”

Yeah that’s it she says. 

 

Talking about someone that had trouble walking. 
Daughter: “They had to use a Xyloframe”

 

 

Me: Thinks —*I think I will call Lisa*, *calls Lisa*

RING RING RING

Daughter: “Hello, Lisa has left her phone at home today”

Me: “Lisa”?

Daughter: “It came up as A peter, so I thought it knew that it wasn’t you”

Me: “You thought that the phone knew that it was a different Peter”?

 

 

 

Last night we were watching dead like me and the main character was giving a little speech about post it notes, at this point my daughter gives out a little chuckle and says, “she said it wrong, she called it post it, when it is po-sticks” I replied, no dear it is post it, she said that doesn’t make sense as you stick it, not post it.

 

 

Picture the scene, we are in a pub, having a pub lunch when Daughter pipes up…it smells of beer in here.

 

 

We are sat watching Eastenders and she has her hair over one eye, I said “doesn’t it irritate you and obscure your view having hair over your eye like that”, she says “no, it identifies me to the emo folk”.

 

 

We were playing trivial pursuit and the question is on what continent is ulleroo, or however it is spelled. She said I dont know any continents, we said just name a continent, she said britain, we said britain isnt a continent, she said can they make it one? She is very pretty though.

 

 

She was a mad funeral for a friend fan, and she says she would love to live in wales because she loves the accent, we told her to f*** off as she knew nothing about wales and apart from barmouth she has never been there, she said, yes I have, we said where?

she said…Devon!

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Seat68

[Rds1983]

Having moved house on Monday we were out in our front garden this morning doing some tidying. Our 3 year old decided he wanted to be picked up so I grabbed him and pretended to eat his tummy causing him to jump down. At this point I noticed his trousers had slipped down and he had a builder's bum going and asked him to come back to me so I could fix it. 

He decided the better option was to push his trousers and pants down to his ankles and shout "who wants to eat my bum", following it up by pointing backwards over his shoulder and shouting "you do, you want to eat my bum". 

He was pointing at our new neighbours who'd popped over to introduce themselves. Strangely they didn't want to hang around and chat. 

[Lichfield Dean]

My 2-year-old daughter Ellie jumped into bed with us at six am this morning, sat up and asked in a deeply serious voice "where are all the other Ellies?"

That was slightly terrifying.

[StefanAVFC]

No kids yet but mine.

Hanging out of the front upstairs windows aged about 2 shouting '**** **** ****'

Asking the anorexic mum of someone from school why she was so ugly.

Asking (in front of his single mum) someone from school why he doesn't have a dad

asking at Sunday dinner, with Grandma in attendance if word removed was a swear word

 

[Panto_Villan]

My wife is a teacher and I remember her sniggering at some homework a child had submitted after that day's religious education lesson on Christianity, which contained the sentence:

"Jesus Christ, the man that got nailed."

[Rds1983]

On 23/05/2021 at 12:42, Rds1983 said:

Having moved house on Monday we were out in our front garden this morning doing some tidying. Our 3 year old decided he wanted to be picked up so I grabbed him and pretended to eat his tummy causing him to jump down. At this point I noticed his trousers had slipped down and he had a builder's bum going and asked him to come back to me so I could fix it. 

He decided the better option was to push his trousers and pants down to his ankles and shout "who wants to eat my bum", following it up by pointing backwards over his shoulder and shouting "you do, you want to eat my bum". 

He was pointing at our new neighbours who'd popped over to introduce themselves. Strangely they didn't want to hang around and chat. 

Was having a nice over the fence chat to our new neighbours this afternoon. They seem to have seen the funny side of the 'you want to eat my bum' event and were telling me about about their trip to the South West last week. They stopped and asked what the little one was doing. 

I explained that reason he was naked was he was just in the paddling pool and decided to take his swimming gear off and the reason he was pouring water onto a patch of mud where a tree stump used to be was that he's decided I planted an apple tree there (I hadn't). The neighbours said how cute that was and kept on with their story when suddenly their face fell as they stared over my shoulder. I turned and saw the lad squatting over the patch of mud pointing the full spread moon at us both. 

Naturally I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I need a poo. I'm doing a poo in the garden". 

Didn't hear the end of the neighbours story as I had to rush the little one inside. 

I'm now waiting to find out which arrives on the doorstep first. The results of the paternity test I'm now considering or social services asking for a little chat. 

[foreveryoung]

On 24/05/2021 at 10:34, Lichfield Dean said:

My 2-year-old daughter Ellie jumped into bed with us at six am this morning, sat up and asked in a deeply serious voice "where are all the other Ellies?"

That was slightly terrifying.

Kids can be scary sometimes too. My lad when 4 years old, once got up in the dead of night, came into our room woke us up and said "where's the man gone"? We asked what man, and he said, "the man who was just on the stairs". Guess he was dreaming

[rjw63]

Just reminds me of Rude Kid in the Viz comic.

[rjw63]

15 minutes ago, foreveryoung said:

Kids can be scary sometimes too. My lad when 4 years old, once got up in the dead of night, came into our room woke us up and said "where's the man gone"? We asked what man, and he said, "the man who was just on the stairs". Guess he was dreaming

[foreveryoung]

2 minutes ago, rjw63 said:

Actually couldn't get that thin man geezer out my head. Thank I may have seen the film close to when it happened.

[Genie]

Once my mum and dad were showing someone around our very old house which was for sale when my younger brother told them that there was a massive crack in that wall but my dad just papered over it.

Literally papered over the cracks  

[Lichfield Dean]

3 hours ago, foreveryoung said:

Kids can be scary sometimes too. My lad when 4 years old, once got up in the dead of night, came into our room woke us up and said "where's the man gone"? We asked what man, and he said, "the man who was just on the stairs". Guess he was dreaming

Yeah, we've had similar. Must just be a ghost, probably not a robber.

[Rugeley Villa]

My son is getting to that age now where he’s coming out with all those street cred words like saying something is “Sweet” or that’s “Sick” , he’s 9 tomorrow. Anyway I love the fact that he can’t grasp on to my dad humour yet. I bought him a chocolate bar the other day when I went the shop , and when I gave it him he said cheers dad that’s sweet. Then we had two minutes of me saying it’s not a sweet it’s a chocolate bar , and him trying to explain that he didn’t mean that it’s a sweet. In the end he just laughed at me and said dad you don’t get it, you’re 38 , you’re too old . Little does he know I’m playing him 

[Rds1983]

After he watched something on TV and him learning about nutrition at nursery my wife explained artic exploration to our son and said that because it was so cold people had to eat lots and lots to keep warm.

He replied thta he wanted to explore Antarctica as he could then eat cake all day and play with penguins.