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WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.


villadude

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10 minutes ago, rjw63 said:

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.

"Oh" sobs the old lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets".

"No problem" says Olaf, lifting her onto his back "I'll take you".

Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.

At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

"I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair "but I don't even know who you are!"

Olaf just waves and walks off.

"I was really worried about you" comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name".

deadpool-clapping.gif

 

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Took my wife to docs to sort out her Tourette's.

Turns out she doesn't have Tourette's; I am a word removed and she does want me to **** off.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14-year-old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mothers.

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I was in the pub last week when these four huge bastards started mouthing off.

"Pretend we're the police" my mate said.

I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

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1 minute ago, rjw63 said:

I was in the pub last week when these four huge bastards started mouthing off.

"Pretend we're the police" my mate said.

I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

Should've gone with 'Don't Stand So Close To Me'.

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I had posted this in the Halloween thread but, my mate said he thought it was bloody funny so here

Mrs Ts birthday is October 31st (and she is left-handed), she hates Halloween as she thinks it detracts from her day

now follows a true story

The first year we got together before she was Mrs T, I said to her daughter I have got your mom a Pandora bracelet as a surprise Pressie, 

She said that will be nice did you get a charm too, nothing to do with Halloween, I hope. I had brought a witch on a broom stick, I has also told her son to get a charm too, I text him and said she likes the crown one. Bloody spell text. Mrs T ended with a Witch and a Clown   

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My wife asked me why I spoke so quietly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.

She laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.

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A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says "Yeah, it means you've probably clogged the **** plug hole again."

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my 35 year old mate's getting a really hard time because he's dating an 18 year old. just last night when they went to dinner everyone was shouting at him, calling him a nonce

it totally ruined their 10 year anniversary

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