Popular Post rjw63 Posted January 14, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted January 14, 2021 Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates start wildly chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 I awoke for a piss in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden. Suddenly, my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed. My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen" I said. "That bastard next door has still got my **** shovel" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the checkout line asked if it was for a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure? Candidate: No but I do a cracking version of Bohemian Rhapsody 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Big Salad Posted January 22, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted January 22, 2021 My family just discovered that my Dad is addicted to Viagra. Mom is taking it especially hard. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Stevo985 Posted January 22, 2021 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted January 22, 2021 You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted January 26, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted January 26, 2021 Winnie the Pooh. Possibly the most vindictive chapter in Nelson Mandela's autobiography. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Salad Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 My girlfriend said the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a 9 iron, but I still got it over the shed. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 A tramp walks in to a posh jeweller, pulls his pants down and starts fingering his arse. The shop assistant shouts "Get out you dirty bastard!" The tramp says "Make up your **** mind" and points to the sign in the window 'Come In To Pick Your Ring In Comfort' 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Salad Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down. But it was arson. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferguson1 Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) I put a bet on yesterday, a £10 treble. The betting shop manager tipped 3 horses: Sunshine 20/1. Good times 1/1. Moonlight 7/2. They all lost! But I can't blame it on Sunshine, blame it on Moonlight or blame it on Good times............I blame it on the bookie! Edited February 6, 2021 by ferguson1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidcow Posted February 6, 2021 VT Supporter Share Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, ferguson1 said: I put a bet on yesterday, a £10 treble. The betting shop manager tipped 3 horses: Sunshine 20/1. Good times 1/1. Moonlight 7/2. They all lost! But I can't blame it on Sunshine, blame it on Good times or blame it on Moonlight. I blame it on the bookie! Would have been better if you had bet on Sunshine, then moonlight and finally Good Times but I can't put my finger on why. Edited February 6, 2021 by sidcow 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Brumerican Posted February 6, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted February 6, 2021 Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. 5 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enda Posted February 7, 2021 Share Posted February 7, 2021 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 9, 2021 Moderator Share Posted February 9, 2021 On 06/02/2021 at 09:32, ferguson1 said: I put a bet on yesterday, a £10 treble. The betting shop manager tipped 3 horses: Sunshine 20/1. Good times 1/1. Moonlight 7/2. They all lost! But I can't blame it on Sunshine, blame it on Moonlight or blame it on Good times............I blame it on the bookie! He has consulted VAR and reached his decision. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 21, 2021 Share Posted February 21, 2021 A man says to his wife, "Can I cum in your ear?" She says "No you cannot! I might go deaf!" He replies "Funny, I always come in your mouth but you never shut the **** up". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Genie Posted February 21, 2021 Popular Post Share Posted February 21, 2021 4 hours ago, rjw63 said: A man says to his wife, "Can I cum in your ear?" She says "No you cannot! I might go deaf!" He replies "Funny, I always come in your mouth but you never shut the **** up". 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink. The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it. The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead. He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider. Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead. He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up. By the time they left the bar the father was so drunk he could barely push his son's pram home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Charlie was thrilled that he was going to explore the chocolate factory. His girlfriend had always been dead against the idea before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xela Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Purchased a deodorant stick today. Instructions say "remove cap & push up bottom" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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