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JohnCresswell

WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

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On 20/08/2019 at 14:55, Xann said:

English person: Did you hear about the Irishman who...

Irish person: Yeah, you were literally tricked by a bus.

I don't get it :(

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My nephew is a Scouser and his birthday is tomorrow. He said he didn't know what he wanted so said just give him money. Therefore I've put a £20 note in his Grandma's purse.

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3 hours ago, mottaloo said:

I don't get it :(

It's about Brexit 

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After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know.

One;she really is as sexy as hell and, secondly, the staff at Madam Tussaud's are miserable bastards with no sense of humour.

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  @BOF entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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2 hours ago, rjw63 said:

  @BOF entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

@rjw63, I think @drat01has hacked your VT login mate. 

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Following India's unsuccessful attempt to land on the Moon, the Irish have announced their plans for 2020. They plan to place a man on the Sun. When a leading Space expert pointed out that the rocket would burn up before in reached half way, a spokesman said, " We have thought of that , so we will go at night".

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My mate who has a stutter was telling us about his nana.

By the time he was finished we were all singing hey Jude.

 

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I went on a Barging holiday. Just strolled along the towpath shoving people in.

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21 hours ago, villa4europe said:

They say 1 in 3 people live next door to a paedophile 

Not me, I live next door to a gorgeous pair of 12 year olds 

Note to self, and I mean it this time.  Do NOT tell this joke when pissed some night. Do NOT tell this joke when pissed some night.

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I went to a support group meeting for guys who suffer  with premature ejaculation. Turns out it's tomorrow.

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19 minutes ago, colhint said:

I went to a support group meeting for guys who suffer  with premature ejaculation. Turns out it's tomorrow.

It's still very brave to post, even if it's in the joke thread.  Well done to you colhint :thumb:

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My mate asked me if I would run a half marathon next Sunday

I said your bloody joking I'm nearly 62. He said come on Rob its for the handicaps and blind people

Then I thought        I could actually win this 

ooh

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Why don't men need more than one rooster?

Because a cock a dude'll do

Edited by StefanAVFC
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Kev was always bragging about all the people he knows to his co-workers until one day his boss loses it and tells him to prove it. If he really knows all these famous people he could produce evidence, right?

Kev shows his boss the numerous pictures on his phone hobnobbing with celebrities and politicians. His boss calls bullshit, anyone can use Photoshop.

Kev calls someone on his phone and hands it to his boss, who hears the unmistakable voice of Tom Hanks asking how long has it been since he and Kev had dinner together. Again, his boss doesn't believe him and says it could be anyone on the line.

Kev thinks for a moment, and asks if he has any plans that weekend. Kev then flies his boss and himself out to Vatican City where a crowd is gathering in front of the Vatican. Kev's boss is jostled around the crowd and loses Kev in the confusion. Suddenly, the crowd roars and he looks up to see the Pope himself standing next to a waving Kev. Just then, an old man gets his attention and motions towards the balcony saying "who the **** is that guy up there standing next to Kev?"

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11 hours ago, 8pints said:

Kev was always bragging about all the people he knows to his co-workers until one day his boss loses it and tells him to prove it. If he really knows all these famous people he could produce evidence, right?

Kev shows his boss the numerous pictures on his phone hobnobbing with celebrities and politicians. His boss calls bullshit, anyone can use Photoshop.

Kev calls someone on his phone and hands it to his boss, who hears the unmistakable voice of Tom Hanks asking how long has it been since he and Kev had dinner together. Again, his boss doesn't believe him and says it could be anyone on the line.

Kev thinks for a moment, and asks if he has any plans that weekend. Kev then flies his boss and himself out to Vatican City where a crowd is gathering in front of the Vatican. Kev's boss is jostled around the crowd and loses Kev in the confusion. Suddenly, the crowd roars and he looks up to see the Pope himself standing next to a waving Kev. Just then, an old man gets his attention and motions towards the balcony saying "who the **** is that guy up there standing next to Kev?"

This joke was on The Antiques Roadshow last week. The expert said: "A nice vintage joke, probably early 1970s. It's obviously been well-used, but the wear and polish just adds to its charm. No real monetary value, but I'm sure it has great nostalgic associations for your family". 

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1 hour ago, mjmooney said:

This joke was on The Antiques Roadshow last week. The expert said: "A nice vintage joke, probably early 1970s. It's obviously been well-used, but the wear and polish just adds to its charm. No real monetary value, but I'm sure it has great nostalgic associations for your family". 

Funnily (Or not it seems) enough it was told to me by a 94 year old woman.

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