Popular Post mjmooney Posted March 10, 2019 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted March 10, 2019 Horses for courses. Of course they do. 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TB Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 Shamelessly nicked from elsewhere: One day Jane walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had recently won in the casino. Jane walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for £850,000. The cashier insisted on verifying such a large amount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious as how Jane came to have so much money, started asking some questions. “How did you get so much money?” “Well”, she replies, “I’m a bit of a gambler.” “Oh, really…” the manager replied, and started to give Jane a lecture about the evils of gambling. “No, really, it’s a lot of fun!” insisted Jane, “for example, I'll bet you £10,000 that your balls are square!” The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it through, thought that there was no way he could lose the bet. So they shook hands and went out into the car park so Jane could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit. “This is my solicitor,” said Jane. “He’s here to make sure everything is legit.” “OK” said the bank manager, so Jane stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel. “You’re right, they’re not square!”, she declared. The manager smiled and looked over to the solicitor, who at this point was banging his head on the car and appeared extremely frustrated. Confused, the manager asked Jane, “What’s wrong with your solicitor?” “Oh, I bet him £100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in 30 minutes or less…” 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chrisp65 Posted March 11, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted March 11, 2019 (edited) Edited March 11, 2019 by chrisp65 3 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Blue nose family Child eating his breakfast -"Mom this eggs off" Mom "shut up and eat it" Child "Do I have to eat the beak as well" Child "Mom Granddads gone out again------Mom "well throw some more petrol on him" Child "Can I lick the bowl when you've finished mom" -- Mom "No I will be flushing it this time" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 6 minutes ago, Robtaylor200 said: Blue nose family Child eating his breakfast -"Mom this eggs off" Mom "shut up and eat it" Child "Do I have to eat the beak as well" Child "Mom Granddads gone out again------Mom "well throw some more petrol on him" Child "Can I lick the bowl when you've finished mom" -- Mom "No I will be flushing it this time" Lapal_fan "Robtaylor200, these jokes are shit, don't do any more of them" Robtaylor200 "I'm sorry Lapal_fan, I won't" Lapal_fan "Good lad Robtaylor200" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 11 hours ago, lapal_fan said: Lapal_fan "Robtaylor200, these jokes are shit, don't do any more of them" Robtaylor200 "I'm sorry Lapal_fan, I won't" Lapal_fan "Good lad Robtaylor200" Bet I do child " are we really going to Australia mom" mom "shut up and keep digging" now that's funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted March 22, 2019 Moderator Share Posted March 22, 2019 A sharpshooter walks into the Sunglass Hut : "Any Oakley?" 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted March 23, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted March 23, 2019 Got dragged along to a club with the wife. There was a guy on the dance floor going mental, twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the lot. He was the centre of attention. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Yeah I see he's still **** celebrating." 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post choffer Posted March 25, 2019 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted March 25, 2019 The wife asked if I loved her or football the most. I said “open your legs and I’ll show you”. Nutmegged her. 7 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted April 5, 2019 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted April 5, 2019 I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day, 4 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 Even though I hate Egypt (went for my honey moon when Mrs T was a little less curvy, but she is blonde and blue eyed) dont get me started on how I hate Egyptians Any way I still love to see what the archaeologists are up to . They just found a new tomb and the mummy was filled with nuts and chocolate They reckon it could be the lost tomb Of Pharos Roche Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I was sitting at the bar when this gorgeous bit of clunge came in and sat two stools down from me. "How would you fancy the most amazing sex you've ever had in your life?" I said. "I certainly DON'T fancy that at all, thank you!" "Excellent, I'm your man then, get your panties off." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted May 2, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted May 2, 2019 Woke up this morning to find the wife had put a teaspoon in my bum. I've had enough of her treating me like a mug. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted May 3, 2019 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted May 3, 2019 When Lord Nelson died, he was five feet tall. His statue in Trafalgar Square is fifteen feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1. 5 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 An Indian guy is in court charged with beating his wife. The Judge opened with how do you plead Mr Chinda Gudenproppa. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enda Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 On 03/05/2019 at 06:31, mjmooney said: When Lord Nelson died, he was five feet tall. His statue in Trafalgar Square is fifteen feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1. When Oliver Cromwell landed in Ireland, he was 5 foot 4. By the time he left, he was the biggest prick in Europe. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TB Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 (edited) Ordered a new 65" TV on Wednesday morning for the PO final. Delivered the next day. I opened the box. No leads. Edited May 18, 2019 by TB 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V01 Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 (edited) If I had a pound for everytime I've heard a variation of this joke I could buy a 65" TV with the leads. Edited May 19, 2019 by V01 a word 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TB Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) . Edited May 21, 2019 by TB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatAboutTheFinish Posted May 21, 2019 Share Posted May 21, 2019 (edited) A joke I remember fondly from back in the 80’s, retold today with love given the circumstances... Cher decided that her labia had grown too large with age and given the skimpy outfits she was prone to wearing decided to have surgery to have them removed. Obviously the hospital was under strict instructions to keep the operation a secret and prevent any leaks to the press, nobody must find out. So as she comes round from a successful operation she notices three cards on the side of the bed. ’What!’ She exclaims to the nurse, ‘Nobody is supposed to know I’m here!’ ’Open them and see’ the nurse says politely. She opens the the first card, ‘Get well soon, your Surgeon’. ‘Oh that’s nice’ she thinks. She opens the second card ‘Speedy recovery, all the best, the nurses on your ward. ‘Lovely thought’ she says. ‘But who could this third card be from?’ She opens it up and it reads ‘Thanks for the ears, love Niki Lauda’ Edited May 21, 2019 by WhatAboutTheFinish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts