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JohnCresswell

WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

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Guest RantinRob

And that Marin chappy said I've got no sense of humour............ :mrgreen:

here's another.....

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class geek, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher, “Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun O'Malley jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says "it will take the contagious".

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Guest RantinRob

Muhahaha, here's a good 'un

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married." The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?" "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man. "That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.

"Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem." "What's that, my son?" "Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"

:mrgreen:

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Guest RantinRob

last one for now, this is a corker.........

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got this sex problem, Doc, You've got to help me." "Well," says the quack, "tell me about your average day." "It all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at about 3am and again at about 5am for nookie. Later, we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work!" "Oh I see," says the doc.

"No, hang on," says the young man "you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day, we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there." "Oh... now I see," says the quack.

"No you don't," says our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom." "Oh.... NOW I see," says the quack.

"No, no, no," says the randy bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of, and we nip out the back for a quickie." "Now I understand," says the extremely patient doctor.

"No, hang on," says the man. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss - a very demanding lady I might add - has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack!" "Ahh...." says the doctor, "now I see."

"No, there's more," says our man, almost in tears. "When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards!" By now, the exasperated doctor is beginning to lose his cool, "So just what is your problem?!" "Well..." says our hero, "it hurts when I wank."

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I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

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Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off

from work," said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" asked the blonde.

He proceeded to climb up to the rafters, and hang upside down. The

boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked

him what on earth he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss.

So the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

Then the blonde began walking out too.

The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark!"

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Tom pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute.

After two hours of exhausting great sex he says,

"Now you won't see me for a while."

The prostitute isn't happy to see a good customer leave and asks,

"Are you too busy next week to pay me a visit?"

"No sweety, that's not what I mean.

Just turn over..."

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and finally for now some Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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Guest RantinRob

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically? The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"? The girl replied, "Oh my Goodness! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million quid, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a shit stabber."

:lol::lol::lol:

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I know this ones a git crap but here goes

An irishman takes a scarf back to the shop and says its to tight.

i know i ll get my parker

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Guest RantinRob
I know this ones a git crap but here goes

An irishman takes a scarf back to the shop and says its to tight.

i know i ll get my parker

Fookin 'ell, that's worse than Cresswell's! :shock: :lol:

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Two nuns in the shower:

Nun1 - Where's the soap?

Nun2 - It does, doesn't it.

Ah the old ones are the.......

........oldest

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Guest RantinRob

A Leeds fan, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Leeds fan. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Yorkshire pud took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Leeds plonker had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Leedszzzz fan started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

:shock:

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Guest RantinRob
:lol:

Take it you're already in the mood for the game tomorrow then Rob? :P

Too right mate :lol:

And get that Blog updated yer lazy fooker :wink:

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:lol:

Take it you're already in the mood for the game tomorrow then Rob? :P

Too right mate :lol:

And get that Blog updated yer lazy fooker :wink:

Will do, notice you've updated yours, the Blogtotty just keeps getting better and better :D

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An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm

Jonny Wilkinson, the best flyhalf in Britain. The English need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Graca Machel, says, "I am the wife of the

former President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated

woman in the world." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President

of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in

world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent

President in the history of the country and I have a

responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and

jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a

ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived

my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last

parachute".

The boy replies "No problem your popeness, there is also a

parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my

schoolbag..."

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I've heard that one with different people involved Richard, but it still makes me smile :)

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, 10 miles

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, 5 miles

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, Next Right!

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a Small sign next to the door reading:

Sisters of St. Francis

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?", he answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door, smiles, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall , smiling and then slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go In Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis, Serves you right!!

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