il_serpente Posted March 2, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 2, 2018 26 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: Hey, wasn’t anything to do with intelligence. Merely the pronunciation of the words means the joke would be lost on a lot of Americans I imagine. Not to worry, I understood what you meant. Instead of "dumb", I probably should have said "geographically and linguistically isolated and uninformed" If LapalFan had understood in the first place that my post was a joke, there would be no confusion, so it's all his fault. He must be thick as a blackpudding! (Is that a British idiom? If not, it should be). Or maybe my joke was not good. It was posted by Russian bots, so i can't be blamed. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Seat68 Posted March 5, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted March 5, 2018 Justice has been served!There's been some clearing in the woods called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone 2 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted March 5, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 5, 2018 Groan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 23 minutes ago, Seat68 said: Justice has been served!There's been some clearing in the woods called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone You know when you're on auto pilot browsing VT? I had no idea I was in the joke thread until the last 2 words. That's really tickled me 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 (edited) 5 hours ago, Seat68 said: Justice has been served!There's been some clearing in the woods called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone I genuinely forgot which thread I was in and believed all that until the last two words. EDIT: And I've only just seen lapal's post above Edited March 5, 2018 by Paddywhack 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnbull Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 "Daddy, how are babies made?" "Well, Daddies make sperm and then put it into Mommies" "Do Mommies have to eat the sperm?" "Only if they want new shoes" 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to have a face-lift, eye-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't recognise you." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the shopping centre, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £365.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie £365.00 when all the others are only £19.95?" That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnbull Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 My wife's decided to divorce me just because I spent 10 grand on another penis extension. She said she can't take it any longer. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidcow Posted March 6, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 6, 2018 (edited) On 05/03/2018 at 10:04, Seat68 said: Justice has been served!There's been some clearing in the woods called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone I could respond with the joke about "now hans who does dishes goes as soft as Jervais with wild green hairy lipped squid". But it's too long and I think you get the gist. Edited March 7, 2018 by sidcow 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 (edited) So I came home p*ssed as a fart last night and the missus wasn't happy! "How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me. "Nothing" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice." Edited March 7, 2018 by AvfcRigo82 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 Is it normal for my wife to have sex twice a day at 63, i hope not because we live at number 45. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 On 05/03/2018 at 10:04, Seat68 said: Justice has been served!There's been some clearing in the woods called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone Get's a Carl seal of approval from moi! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 How do you circumcise a blues fan? Kick his sister in the chops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post imavillan Posted March 12, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted March 12, 2018 I've ordered some German food over the internet. The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 (edited) It can be really quite depressing reading about the various punishments across the globe. There's even a region in northern India where they actually give you a vaccination to stop you spreading wordplay and ambiguity. It's called the Punjab. Edited March 13, 2018 by Rodders 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnbull Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 I had a dream last night that I was getting a blowjob from the blonde one from Abba I only woke up cos his beard was tickling my balls. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LondonLax Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 I recon they could all be described as the grey one from ABBA by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Robtaylor200 Posted March 17, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted March 17, 2018 I went to an auction with my son He got a signed photo of Ronnie Barker for 50p, I got a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett for 50p. Bargains So it was good buy from him and a good buy from me 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post drat01 Posted March 29, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted March 29, 2018 Said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis." He said, "Oh what, the one with Adolf in?" I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis." 7 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts