imavillan Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 No offence, In this politically correct world we live in today. A coach load of Irishmen on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... ....the driver won £52 !!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, half awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks" and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Stevo985 Posted February 22, 2018 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted February 22, 2018 Would have been some very well done eggs if it were me. I'd have banged her for hours then invited all her mates round and banged them too, but not the fat ones, and then put a selfie online which would have been used to sell underpants coz I'm so fit. 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a m ole Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 36 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: Would have been some very well done eggs if it were me. I'd have banged her for hours then invited all her mates round and banged them too, but not the fat ones, and then put a selfie online which would have been used to sell underpants coz I'm so fit. i thought you couldn’t cpell? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Just filmed a video of the Mrs wanking me off with her toes. Lovely bit of footage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, "Sorry, son, this ball is £20. You only have £10". The boy says, "OK, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for £10?" He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "I can hear cannons blasting, so it's an Arsenal ball." Next he gives him a Millwall ball: "I hear lions, so it's Millwall." Amazed, the shopkeeper says, "Get this and you can have it for nothing." The boy listens and says Birmingham city... The man asks how did you guess that?....,"the boy replyed............. well it smelled of shit.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted February 27, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted February 27, 2018 (edited) Points docked for using Millwall instead of Villa. Edited February 27, 2018 by mjmooney Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror, remembering her time with Bill Clinton. Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help... "God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed. And just like that, her ears fell off !!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imavillan Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room is piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mottaloo Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 On 22/02/2018 at 10:15, imavillan said: No offence, In this politically correct world we live in today. A coach load of Irishmen on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... ....the driver won £52 !!! There is a theory why Irishman jokes are so daft or simple...it's so the English can understand them. Again, no offence intended. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted February 28, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted February 28, 2018 5 minutes ago, mottaloo said: There is a theory why Irishman jokes are so daft or simple...it's so the English can understand them. Again, no offence intended. I always quite liked this one: What's black and blue and lies at the bottom of the Irish Sea? An Englishman who tells too many Irishman jokes 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post mjmooney Posted March 2, 2018 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted March 2, 2018 Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" was originally serialised in two local newspapers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times. 18 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted March 2, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 2, 2018 3 hours ago, mjmooney said: Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" was originally serialised in two local newspapers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times. Oh, that's good. Deserves more than a like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted March 2, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 2, 2018 5 minutes ago, choffer said: Oh, that's good. Deserves more than a like. Stolen from Richard Osman, who stole it from somebody on the Pointless research team. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted March 2, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 2, 2018 17 minutes ago, mjmooney said: Stolen from Richard Osman, who stole it from somebody on the Pointless research team. And for the avoidance of doubt, subsequently stolen from you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted March 2, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 2, 2018 4 hours ago, mjmooney said: Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" was originally serialised in two local newspapers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times. This would be lost on Americans 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted March 2, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 2, 2018 6 hours ago, Stevo985 said: This would be lost on Americans What do Bi-cester and Wor-cester have to do with Dickens? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 18 minutes ago, il_serpente said: What do Bi-cester and Wor-cester have to do with Dickens? Nout, but the way we say it are BIS-ta and WUSS-ta, which sounds a bit like "best of" and "worst of" - and the Charles dickens is "it was the best of times and the worst of times" Geddit? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il_serpente Posted March 2, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 2, 2018 Goddit! Actually, I was aware. I was just trying to help Stevo feel prophetic by acting the dumb American. Well... perhaps the dumb American part didn't require much acting, but anyway... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted March 2, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted March 2, 2018 1 hour ago, il_serpente said: Goddit! Actually, I was aware. I was just trying to help Stevo feel prophetic by acting the dumb American. Well... perhaps the dumb American part didn't require much acting, but anyway... Hey, wasn’t anything to do with intelligence. Merely the pronunciation of the words means the joke would be lost on a lot of Americans I imagine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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