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JohnCresswell

WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

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Bob walked into a bar around 5:58pm.
He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 
6pm news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I reckon he will."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly.
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her £20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 
5pm news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money

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21 hours ago, imavillan said:

Bob walked into a bar around 5:58pm.
He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 
6pm news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I reckon he will."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly.
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her £20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 
5pm news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money

Those last lines that seem to be added for the Facebook generation ie the hard of thinking, really, really piss me off.

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The blonde then began a court case using the precedents set by the IVEY vs GENTING CASINOS case with regard to unfair betting practices.  She represented herself and won back her money.

* A joke for all the solicitors,  barristers, casino owners and feminists on VillaTalk.  Both of them.

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Nobody wants to buy my broken jack in the box, which is not at all surprising.

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Bloke is sitting in a pub listening to a guy playing classical music on the piano

That’s a beautiful tune he says, I’ve not heard it before what’s it called

The guy says it’s called “I like to shag my dog when he is covered in shit”

You can’t call it that.

 I wrote I will call it anything I like he says

Then the guy plays another tune and it’s even better

That’s even better what’s it called

The guy says it’s called “Wanky wanky stick it up your bum and suck it ”

You can’t call it that.

 I wrote I will call it anything I like he says

The only reason I am asking, is that my parents are having an anniversary party next weekend and I would love you to come and play for them at 8pm

OK I will play, see you at 8pm

8:30 the guy turns up late

You’re late and everybody is waiting

I can’t play yet until I have had a wank,

Bloody hell OK, use the upstairs bathroom but be quick please

40 minutes goes by, the guy is still in the bathroom, Come on hurry up the bloke shouts through the door, Everyone is waiting. Bloke comes out of the bathroom, Flies down and spunk all over his trousers

OMG he says what a state, Do you know your flies are down and you have spunk all over your trousers

Know it. I **** wrote it

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.

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My Marina Van

I customised it (yeh I was young then)

 

It was British Racing Green, a front spoiler, rear roof spoiler a bonnet bulge, whistling indicators, triple air horns, a siren, a C.B. radio, red and blue whip aerials on each side, the back windows had skull and cross bones printed on mirror glass you could see out but you couldn’t see in, I had taken all the switches off the dashboard and fitted them to a console in the middle. I had lined the inside with foam and fur, speakers and lights sunk into the fur. Thick bamboo poles separated the front from the back.

Shag pile carpet and cushions.

Finished off with the name on the visor VANTASTIC

 

One night I was taking a young lady over Cannock Chase in my van to see the deer feeding at about 1 o’clock in the morning.

She asked me if I was into kinky sex and could I whip her. So bloody dark I couldn’t see a stick, I didn’t want to miss out so I broke a foot off one of my aerials and whipped her with that.

The next night I met her in the pub and she could hardly walk I had whipped a bit too hard; she showed me the marks on her bum. She had taken the day off work and gone to the doctors

The Doctor said it was the worse case of van-aerial disease he had ever seen.

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Dad caught 16-year-old lad having a wnk in his bedroom

For Christ sake there is no need for that he said, here’s a tenner go behind Tesco and have sex with one of the Prostitutes said his dad

On the way to Tesco he met his Nan, where are you going she asked and he told her. Don’t go wasting a tenner on prostitutes. You can have sex with me she said

So he did

When he got home, he gave his Dad the money back and told him what had happened

You Fckd my mother Dad shouted

You Fckd mine replied the lad

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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Hand him a used tampon, and ask him which period it came from.

 

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing? The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,”

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.”

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are we still wearing all this shit, when we live in **** Bradford!!"

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21 minutes ago, AvfcRigo82 said:

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing? The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,”

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.”

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are we still wearing all this shit, when we live in **** Bradford!!"

I've never seen anybody in Arabic dress in Bradford. 

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