Popular Post turnbull Posted February 8, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted February 8, 2018 A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's: "I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a cock" "Anabolic" says the Doctor "No just a cock" 8 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a m ole Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 4 hours ago, imavillan said: Bob took the money 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 21 hours ago, imavillan said: Bob walked into a bar around 5:58pm. He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV. The 6pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story Of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I reckon he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!" The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building, Falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her £20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm news, So I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money Those last lines that seem to be added for the Facebook generation ie the hard of thinking, really, really piss me off. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Lifeboats Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 The blonde then began a court case using the precedents set by the IVEY vs GENTING CASINOS case with regard to unfair betting practices. She represented herself and won back her money. * A joke for all the solicitors, barristers, casino owners and feminists on VillaTalk. Both of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted February 11, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted February 11, 2018 Nobody wants to buy my broken jack in the box, which is not at all surprising. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Robtaylor200 Posted February 11, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted February 11, 2018 A guy and his wife were reading the evening paper. She said there is an advert here for a pedigree Alsatian dog £50, He said it must be a misprint they are 10 times that much. But he called and the lady who answered said that the price was correct so he went to have a look at the dog The dog was sitting by the fire and he was a beauty “Only £50 are you sure he is a pedigree” the man said “Oh! Yes” said the lady “why don’t you ask him, he is such a high class pedigree he speaks English all the time and a few words of French” The dog looked at the man and said “Why don’t you clear off and leave me alone, I get 2 hours by this fire every day and I don’t want some bloke bothering me while I am sitting here. I heard you ask if I was a pedigree, well my Dad was top show dog for 3 years running, my Mom was a Super bitch 4 years running. I have three sisters and two brothers we have won that many trophies our owners had to have a house extension to put them in. I was taken into the drug squad when I was 3 years old and found over,£1,000,000 of Heroin and Cannabis in just 12 months, later I was working for the bomb squad and found two bombs, Finally as a rescue dog I saved lives all over the world and now I am retired with a pension” “Wow” said the man “why do you want to get rid of this dog” “Because he’s Bloody liar,” said the woman 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 Bloke is sitting in a pub listening to a guy playing classical music on the piano That’s a beautiful tune he says, I’ve not heard it before what’s it called The guy says it’s called “I like to shag my dog when he is covered in shit” You can’t call it that. I wrote I will call it anything I like he says Then the guy plays another tune and it’s even better That’s even better what’s it called The guy says it’s called “Wanky wanky stick it up your bum and suck it ” You can’t call it that. I wrote I will call it anything I like he says The only reason I am asking, is that my parents are having an anniversary party next weekend and I would love you to come and play for them at 8pm OK I will play, see you at 8pm 8:30 the guy turns up late You’re late and everybody is waiting I can’t play yet until I have had a wank, Bloody hell OK, use the upstairs bathroom but be quick please 40 minutes goes by, the guy is still in the bathroom, Come on hurry up the bloke shouts through the door, Everyone is waiting. Bloke comes out of the bathroom, Flies down and spunk all over his trousers OMG he says what a state, Do you know your flies are down and you have spunk all over your trousers Know it. I **** wrote it 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 What was the name of my Indian mate who came last in the race Ranshit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 What did one tampon say to the other. Nothing, they're both stuck up words removed 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 My Marina Van I customised it (yeh I was young then) It was British Racing Green, a front spoiler, rear roof spoiler a bonnet bulge, whistling indicators, triple air horns, a siren, a C.B. radio, red and blue whip aerials on each side, the back windows had skull and cross bones printed on mirror glass you could see out but you couldn’t see in, I had taken all the switches off the dashboard and fitted them to a console in the middle. I had lined the inside with foam and fur, speakers and lights sunk into the fur. Thick bamboo poles separated the front from the back. Shag pile carpet and cushions. Finished off with the name on the visor VANTASTIC One night I was taking a young lady over Cannock Chase in my van to see the deer feeding at about 1 o’clock in the morning. She asked me if I was into kinky sex and could I whip her. So bloody dark I couldn’t see a stick, I didn’t want to miss out so I broke a foot off one of my aerials and whipped her with that. The next night I met her in the pub and she could hardly walk I had whipped a bit too hard; she showed me the marks on her bum. She had taken the day off work and gone to the doctors The Doctor said it was the worse case of van-aerial disease he had ever seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Dad caught 16-year-old lad having a wnk in his bedroom For Christ sake there is no need for that he said, here’s a tenner go behind Tesco and have sex with one of the Prostitutes said his dad On the way to Tesco he met his Nan, where are you going she asked and he told her. Don’t go wasting a tenner on prostitutes. You can have sex with me she said So he did When he got home, he gave his Dad the money back and told him what had happened You Fckd my mother Dad shouted You Fckd mine replied the lad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robtaylor200 Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 On 02/10/2017 at 07:08, mjmooney said: My wife is weaving me for a mother plan , Because I don't listen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Hand him a used tampon, and ask him which period it came from. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meath_Villan Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Whats 6 inches long and wont be getting sucked on Valentines day???Whitney Houstons crackpipe.... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post turnbull Posted February 13, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted February 13, 2018 I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester today. He had a Wigan address. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Albrighton Posted February 13, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted February 13, 2018 The Hobbit stars Martin Freeman and Andy Serkis are in the new movie “Black Panther” as the Tolkien white guys. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing? The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,” The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.” "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son?" "Why are we still wearing all this shit, when we live in **** Bradford!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted February 14, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted February 14, 2018 21 minutes ago, AvfcRigo82 said: A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing? The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,” The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.” "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son?" "Why are we still wearing all this shit, when we live in **** Bradford!!" I've never seen anybody in Arabic dress in Bradford. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blandy Posted February 14, 2018 Moderator Share Posted February 14, 2018 24 minutes ago, mjmooney said: I've never seen anybody in Arabic dress in Bradford. Sheik News. Covfefe! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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