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WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.


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I was with my gran the other day and a muffled burp came from her nether region.

"That's **** disgusting, nan!" I said.

She explained that things get looser with age and it's just trapped air escaping.

 

 

 

 

It ruined our shag.

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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

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Mrs G is riding around the old folks home on her electric wheelchair when Mr Smith holds his hand up to stop her.

Mr Smith: You are going too fast.I will have to give you a speeding ticket.

He gives her a toffee wrapper.

Mrs G carrys on down the corridore and is hailed over by Mr Brown.

Mr Brown: You are driving dangeriously, I will have to give you a ticket for dangerous driving.

He gives her a Mars bar wrapper.

Mrs G drives around the corner and down the corridor, when she sees Mr Jones standing there with his pants down around his ankels. 

Mrs G: Oh no, not the brethaliser again.

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The other day at a party, my wife asked me to do my Michael Jackson impression for her guests. However, I think there was some confusion about what the impression was meant to be.

She put on 'Billie Jean' and waited for me to dance, but I took her nephew to the bedroom and raped him.

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Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't try to surprise

Oscar Pistorious.

Reminds me of the classic...

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I've got a knife

Get in the f*ckin van

Edited by Nigel
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