hippo Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Peter Odemwingie has been a car park longer than Richard the 3rd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Apparently, I suffer from xenophobia... bet I caught it off some **** foreigner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 I was with my gran the other day and a muffled burp came from her nether region. "That's **** disgusting, nan!" I said. She explained that things get looser with age and it's just trapped air escaping. It ruined our shag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted February 11, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted February 11, 2013 Harry Redknapp "flattered to be linked" to Vatican job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted February 11, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted February 11, 2013 It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. Great Gag! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troglodyte Posted February 11, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted February 11, 2013 I was serving a cappuccino this afternoon when a woman grumbled "I don't want anything fancy on top!" "Certainly not, madam," I said, putting down an 18th century French chandelier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now.". "He's right" sighs Richard III. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 13, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted February 13, 2013 Stolen for FB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrackpotForeigner Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Waiter asked what I wanted on my 'burger. I said a fiver each way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomaspg Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 i was going to tell a gay joke, but **** it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?'' The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.'' ''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. ''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.''' ''Keep going!'' I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, ''You now have three wishes.'' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?'' ''What next?'' begged the bartender. I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'' I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?'' 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 The pope has been told he's still fit for work. apparently his attempt to get laid off might be benedict fraud Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PussEKatt Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Mrs G is riding around the old folks home on her electric wheelchair when Mr Smith holds his hand up to stop her. Mr Smith: You are going too fast.I will have to give you a speeding ticket. He gives her a toffee wrapper. Mrs G carrys on down the corridore and is hailed over by Mr Brown. Mr Brown: You are driving dangeriously, I will have to give you a ticket for dangerous driving. He gives her a Mars bar wrapper. Mrs G drives around the corner and down the corridor, when she sees Mr Jones standing there with his pants down around his ankels. Mrs G: Oh no, not the brethaliser again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 14, 2013 Moderator Share Posted February 14, 2013 Roses are red,Violets are glorious,Don't try to surpriseOscar Pistorious. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 The other day at a party, my wife asked me to do my Michael Jackson impression for her guests. However, I think there was some confusion about what the impression was meant to be. She put on 'Billie Jean' and waited for me to dance, but I took her nephew to the bedroom and raped him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shillzz Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Knew following such a renowned poster into the joke thread wouldn't disappoint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted February 14, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorious. Reminds me of the classic... Roses are red Violets are blue I've got a knife Get in the f*ckin van Edited February 14, 2013 by Nigel 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troglodyte Posted February 14, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted February 14, 2013 I have a T-shirt that says the following on the front: Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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