Rodders Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 Whats the best thing about shagging a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 "How much is that doggy in the window?" "It's not for sale" said its tearful owner, removing its lifeless body from my windscreen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted August 22, 2012 Moderator Share Posted August 22, 2012 "The one with the waggly tail." No, that's just the dying brain sending some spasmodic signals to the nervous system as he loses his fight for life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Upon the birth of my new son, we all celebrated traditionally with Cuban cigars. The little poof was sick after only one drag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?" "Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Charles Darwin doesn't play Fifa 13.... ....he's more of a pro Evolution guy. 8) Aww yeah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFCforever1991 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Charles Darwin doesn't play Fifa 13.... ....he's more of a pro Evolution guy. 8) Aww yeah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I'm an amputee and after watching the Paralympics I decided, I too desperately craved gold, fame and riches. So I married Paul McCartney. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villanmike Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 My wife wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday treat. So i got her sister pregnant. We're on next Tuesday!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 My wife wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday treat. So i got her sister pregnant. We're on next Tuesday!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFC_Hitz Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 As I watch the paralympics it makes me mad because most of these people don't look disabled at all Apart from Clare Balding Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrackpotForeigner Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 They're finally releasing the iPhone 5 today. I always said those guys were innocent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meath_Villan Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Herd this of the radio ......."A man walks into a bar with a Salmon under his arm and says to the bartender, "Do you do fishcakes?" The bartender says "No sorry mate we don"t". The man says "That"s a shame, it"s his birthday" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted today. The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died. He was caught in a trap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died. He was caught in a trap. He couldn't get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Dear Abbie, I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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