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JohnCresswell

WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

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A little boy says to his mother: "Mommy, Mommy, when I grow up I want to be like Roy Keane"

She replies, "You can't do both, son".

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A little boy says to his mother: "Mommy, Mommy, when I grow up I want to be like Roy Keane"

She replies, "You can't do both, son".

Meeeeowwwwwww :D

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Hehe love that one about Neil Armstrong...

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms:

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

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German Driving and Car Maintenance Terms

INDICATORS - Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken ( or Die Onnenoffen Tickentocken )

SPEEDOMETER - Der Egobooster

PUNCTURE - Die Phlatte mit Bludyfukken

LEARNER - Die Twaten mit Elplatt

ESTATE CAR - Die Bagsromm fur Kinderinauto

WINDSCREEN WIPER - Die Fippenflappenschittenspredden

FOOTBRAKE- Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik

BREATHALYSER - Die Puffintem fur Pistenarsen

SEATBELT - Der Klunkenklicken Frauleintrapper

HEADLIGHTS - Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud

FOG WARNING - Die Puttenfutdownen Fukit

HIGHWAY CODE - Der Wipen fur Arsen

TYRES - Phlattfarts

TRAFFIC JAM - Der Bluddinfukkin damnundblasten

BACKFIRE - Der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fukkenjumpen

JUGGERNAUT - Der Fukkengret trucken

ACCIDENT - Der Bleedinmess

NEAR ACCIDENT - Der Fukken neer schittenselfen

CYCLIST - Pedalpushen pilloken

REAR VIEW MIRROR - Der Yokhunter TooKlosen

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Very good MJ, I've never seen those before :)

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Here's one to get you groaning...

One day Marty met a girl called Lorraine. They had a lot in common and she was very nice looking, he liked Lorraine.

Some days later, Marty was walking home from college and met a girl called Clearly. After much laughter about her funny name, given to her by her hippy parents in the 70's, Marty and Clearly got on very well. Clearly, was bubbly, full of fun and very attractive.

Marty didn't know his luck but had to make a choice in time for the Spring Dance. He decided to bring them both on one date and whoever he liked best he would escort to the dance.

He brought Clearly to the Funfair, and they had a great time on the Dodgems, and winning prizes at the tests of skill games. He really thought Clearly was the best - but he still had to date Lorraine who he had more in common with, and was in her own way as attractive as Clearly.

He brought Lorraine to the seaside and had a brilliant time, walking in the water. When suddenly they were both hit by a huge wave. Lorraine was swept out to sea, and under the water. Marty waited to see if there was any sign of Lorraine, to no avail.

Marty stood on the shore, when from one corner of his face a smile started to appear, he then said to himself...

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone!"

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I've heard it using the names 'Shirley' and 'Lorraine'. Very bad :)

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This one's much better, made me laugh quite a bit...

While visiting England, "President" George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

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Words of wisdom from the immortal

Swiss Tony

MAKING COFFEE

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

ANSWERING THE PHONE

Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.

BEING IN THERAPY

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING

Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've

often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod over, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

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