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WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.


villadude

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so what if it's old I still like it

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to he kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "South African Airways"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted!

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An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet

shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you

keep widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his

knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white

wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle

bwown wabby over there?" She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands

on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my

pyfon weally gives a phuck"!

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An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet

shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you

keep widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his

knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white

wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle

bwown wabby over there?" She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands

on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my

pyfon weally gives a phuck"!

Bwahahahaha! :D

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating smarties. He'd

toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of

catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a

smartie fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it

in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of

trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the smartie out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up

the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the

smartie flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man

insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to

the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"

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i don't know if this will appeal to your sense of humour but i find these really fun, courtesy of www.themanwhofellasleep.com these are 'sad jokes':

Not all jokes are funny. Some are tragic. When someone else is run over by a steamroller, it's funny. When it happens to you, it's not so funny. In fact, it normally kills you. Although not always. Sometimes you end up very flat, but survive. That's also sad.

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Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

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Policeman: Knock, knock.

Woman: Who's there?

Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

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There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell.

Eventually they all starved to death.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape the Nazis.

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A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

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Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

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What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.

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Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

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How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

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Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

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Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."

The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit."

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Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?

Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.

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Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite?

Dog-owner: No.

Man: Can I pet him?

Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes him skin weep if touched.

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How can you tell when an Essex girl wants sex?

She displays signs of arousal, such as enlargement of the clitoris and swelling of the labia.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?

One.

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I think the joke was set in Sunderland.

Ahhh Sunderland - Is it true if you get divorced there you still remain as brother and sister?

The place where you can only tell who is a virgin because she's the only 12 year old who can run faster than her dad.

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The subject is Marketing.

The buzz word in today's business world is Marketing.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of 'Marketing'

Well here it is:

===============

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.

You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing

====================

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.

One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,

" She's fantastic in bed"

That's Advertising

=====================

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his

telephone number. The next day you call and say,

"Hi! I'm fantastic in bed"

That's Telemarketing

====================

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up him

and pour him a drink. You say, " May I," and reach up to straighten

his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,

" By the way, I'm fantastic in bed"

That's Public Relations

====================

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and

says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition

====================

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you

talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep

====================

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support

====================

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be

handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto

the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs,

"I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail

=====================

You are at a party, this well built man walks up to you and gropes

your breast and grabs your ass.

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You like it, but 20 years later your Attorney decides you were

offended..

That's America !!

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As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching

for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more

experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he

promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust

him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you

open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead

and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you

as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the

tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight

trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are

filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He

begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him

within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you

and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks

at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been

his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have

a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me....What were you thinkin'?

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Think we should start getting some for the Small Heath game for Sunday...

I'll start us off then!

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Birmingham City are good enough to win The Premiership!!" Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

A father and son were eating breakfast. The fathers newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £4 million". The son asked "is he worth it, dad?", to which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?" The son said "Well, Birmingham paid more than that for David Dunn, and he was rubbish!!"

Steve Bruce walks into a bank one day whilst a robbery is taking place. One of the robbers hits him over the back of the head, knocking him unconscious. Upon waking up, the Birmingham manager asks an old lady "Excuse me, where am I?". She replies "You're in the Nationwide". "What? It's May already then?" responds Steve Bruce.

How can you tell when Birmingham are losing?

It's five past three!

Why do people take an instant dislike to anyone in a Birmingham shirt?

It saves time

What's the difference between St. Andrews and Mars?

There may actually be intelligent life on Mars.

Snow White, Arnold Schwazennegger and Quasimodo are having a conversation. Snow White says "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on, but how do I know?" Arnie says "I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived, but how do I know?" Quasimodo says "Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?" Snow White says "Let's go and see the wise man!" So off they go. Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on." Arnie goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived." Quasimodo goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "Who's this Steve Bruce character then?"

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Important scam warning

I hate those hoax warnings, but this one is v.important!!! Please send

this to everyone on your email list.

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and

asks you to show him your bum, DO NOT show him your bum. This is a scam!!

He only wants to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

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Guest RantinRob

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.

"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence - MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, and then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!?" she complained. "We did!" he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"

:lol:

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