Stevo985 Posted December 24, 2018 VT Supporter Share Posted December 24, 2018 On 21/12/2018 at 08:25, Demitri_C said: Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary." Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England". "That is remarkable value", Michael comments. "I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1." O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3." O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage. "I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second". "I will never use this bar again". "OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1." On 21/12/2018 at 08:40, lapal_fan said: Because it's not even funny! It's just what Ryanair do, but in a pub.. to the owner of Ryanair. There's no irony or anything. Honestly dem, that joke has upset me I was waiting for the punchline. It never came 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted December 24, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted December 24, 2018 The office Xmas party is nearly here, a time when my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate. Or Angela and Denise from Accounts, as they're usually known. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 It's Christmas morning. Billy and Timmy wake up at the crack of dawn, run down the hall to drag their parents out of bed, and fly down the stairs to the pile of presents around the tree. When the dust settles, Billy has all these great presents: a video game system, a big-ass Nerf gun that shoots 8 different kinds of projectiles, one of those electric slot car tracks where the cars climb up the wall and go through loops. But then he notices that Timmy only got one present - a little Matchbox car, which he's pushing back and forth in the corner. "Hah, Timmy," Billy says "I guess I sure got more presents than you this year". Timmy says "hah, well at least I don't have cancer". 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colhint Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 Murder she wrote written by Yoda was it? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post bickster Posted December 31, 2018 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted December 31, 2018 What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well-dressed man on a unicycle? Spoiler Attire 8 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post imavillan Posted January 7, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 7, 2019 A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.? The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me.! 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.? 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that. 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer. The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man. 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When the Postman delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie. 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened? 'Well, then the Postman came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'And she let him? 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over. Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.? The parrot said 'DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch' !!! 2 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 7, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted January 7, 2019 11 minutes ago, imavillan said: A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.? The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me.! 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.? 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that. 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer. The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man. 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When the Postman delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie. 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened? 'Well, then the Postman came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'And she let him? 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over. Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.? The parrot said 'DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch' !!! Totally worth it 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Probably bin dunne but I just asked a homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. The look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box........ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Getting my drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing... But it’s definitely up there. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 A nice offer from Amazon. If you buy Adam Ants sheet music, they throw in a stand and deliver 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted January 10, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 10, 2019 The guy from across the road was looking distraught, so I asked him what was up. He said "My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman". I asked "What? That fat ugly bastard I see every morning outside your house?" "Yes" he laughed, cheering up a bit. I said "Why would Dave the Milkman want to shag that?" 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 1 hour ago, rjw63 said: The guy from across the road was looking distraught, so I asked him what was up. He said "My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman". I asked "What? That fat ugly bastard I see every morning outside your house?" "Yes" he laughed, cheering up a bit. I said "Why would Dave the Milkman want to shag that?" Always good to see this one resurface again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post bickster Posted January 10, 2019 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted January 10, 2019 6 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) I wonder if the divorce papers will arrive in a stupidly oversized box full of needless packaging.. Edited January 10, 2019 by AvfcRigo82 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted January 21, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted January 21, 2019 "I poured my root beer into a square glass. Now i just have beer" 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death". He turned around and said "So, you want me to stay?" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvfcRigo82 Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!" 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted January 23, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted January 23, 2019 If you've had an accident in your sleep, do you call a somnambulance? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted January 23, 2019 Moderator Share Posted January 23, 2019 4 minutes ago, choffer said: If you've had an accident in your sleep, do you call a somnambulance? You pissed the bed again didn't you? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post BOF Posted January 24, 2019 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted January 24, 2019 If I owned a DeLorean, I'd only drive it from time to time. 8 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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