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WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.


villadude

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Breaking News: The lrish government have announced that as of next week, all cars in lreland will now drive on the right hand side of the road. lf this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later

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5 minutes ago, Troglodyte said:

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".

Best joke we've seen in here for a while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plethora

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The wife of a logician gives birth and the doctor immediately hands the baby to the father.  The woman asks, "Is it a boy or a girl?" and the logician replies, "Yes."

Edited by il_serpente
better wording
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21 hours ago, Stevo985 said:

Best joke we've seen in here for a while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plethora

Thanks, that means a lot. 

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A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

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1 hour ago, TB said:

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

Over here that joke is told about a Texan and an old Mainer.   The other Mainer joke I know is about someone asking him directions to some place and he starts rattling off roads and turns to make and then stops and says, "Come to think of it, you can't get there from here."

Edited by il_serpente
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Man walks into a funeral and asks the widow if he might offer a gift of condolence. 

“By all means”, she says. 

He walks over and hands her a Stephen King novel. 

“Thanks”, says the widow, “I appreciate It.”

Edited by a m ole
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A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well-earned beer. 
He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance." 
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?" 
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?" 
"No, I've never heard of it." 
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?" 
"Umm. I got a corroboree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" 
"No no, not corroboree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroboree." 
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" 
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance." 
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon to deepest darkest Africa to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance." 
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. 
"You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. 
"When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock-20 feet high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance." 
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours, he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snail's pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. 
The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their informant had said, and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back-breaking effort, they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek. When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. 
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance. 
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." 
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?" 
"Not 'til next year." 
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?" 
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." 
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home. 
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong. 
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain, they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements. 
Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly, which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village. 
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. 
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!" 
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time." 
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. 
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy, and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?" 
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year." 
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm. 
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind. 
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. 
"You butcher left leg in. You butcher left leg out. In, out, in, out and shake it all about..."

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On 10/05/2018 at 22:17, Troglodyte said:

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".

I heard a different version of this which a bit more graphic.

Three sisters in a park, when they're approached by an old man. The old man says to the first sister:

"Hello little girl, what's your name?"

She replies: "Blossom"

"Oh that's a pretty name, why are you called that?"

"When my mummy was pregnant with me, some blossom fell on her tummy so they called me Blossom"

He goes to the 2nd sister and asks the same question, who replies "Petal" this time.

"When my mummy was pregnant with me, a petal fell on her tummy so they called me Petal"

But as the 2nd sister was answering the man's question, the 3rd sister starts screaming and shouting (bllaaarrarararraraaarg noises like Troggy said)

The 1st and 2nd sister both shout at the same time "be quiet Breezeblock!"

 

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9 hours ago, StefanAVFC said:

I heard a different version of this which a bit more graphic.

Three sisters in a park, when they're approached by an old man. The old man says to the first sister:

"Hello little girl, what's your name?"

She replies: "Blossom"

"Oh that's a pretty name, why are you called that?"

"When my mummy was pregnant with me, some blossom fell on her tummy so they called me Blossom"

He goes to the 2nd sister and asks the same question, who replies "Petal" this time.

"When my mummy was pregnant with me, a petal fell on her tummy so they called me Petal"

But as the 2nd sister was answering the man's question, the 3rd sister starts screaming and shouting (bllaaarrarararraraaarg noises like Troggy said)

The 1st and 2nd sister both shout at the same time "be quiet Breezeblock!"

 

2

Yeah, I heard that one a bit differently as well -

 

My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding.

I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be?

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