WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[StefanAVFC]

During sex I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Hush, I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering:"

[rjw63]

A fellow named Dennis is at the movies, seeing a new film that's the talk of the town. It's a few weeks into the film's run, so it's just him and a couple other people in the theatre, as well as a man who is sitting next to a large dog. He figures this is a service animal or something, and pays it no mind.

But as the lights dim and the movie starts, his attention goes to the dog more and more. A fascinating thing happens: The dog appears to understand the film perfectly. Its tongue hangs out in a wide doggy smile when a character tells a funny joke. It growls apprehensively when the villain shows up. At particularly sad moments, it lets out a little sad howl. At the end, when the hero triumphs it gives a few happy barks of celebration.

At this point Dennis is much more interested in this strangely singular dog than in the film itself.

When the credits roll and the lights come up and everyone is sort of shuffling out of the theatre, he decides he simply must talk to the owner of this impressive creature.

"Sir" says Dennis "Sir, please pardon the intrusion. I just wanted to come over and say that I find your dog's behaviour simply unbelievable!"

"Frankly, so do I" says the man. "He **** hated the book"

[choffer]

Bindunne in the pics thread.

Edited April 21, 2017 by choffer

[rjw63]

"Well Inspector, empty pill bottle, bath full of water and wrists slashed. Obvious suicide."

"Sorry Detective, Murder. How long have you been on the force? "

"Six years sir. "

"Well I've been on the force thirty two years and never seen a small heath supporter in a bath yet. "

[rjw63]

Meeting.

 

What a Jamaican calls his penis.

[Midfielder]

On 3/27/2017 at 12:35, StefanAVFC said:

During sex I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Hush, I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering:"

[BOF]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the **** is that on the balcony with Dave?'

[BOF]

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.

"Are you going to eat that chili?"

"No. Help yourself" says the other guy.

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down, sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

[BOF]

A guy decides to go down on a prostitute for some reason. He's having fun when it feels like he's got a piece of food stuck in his teeth. Sure enough, he pulls out a little bit of broccoli.

"That's strange, I don't remember the last time I ate broccoli."

He keeps going and again, something stuck in his teeth. Carrots.

"It's been a really long time since I've had carrots."

He decides to ignore it and after the rule of threes, he pulls back and finds a bit of corn. "Now I know I haven't had corn in months."

He feels queasy and says, "I think I'm gonna puke."

The prostitute shrugs and says, "That's funny. That's what the last guy said, too."

[mjmooney]

BOF, have you thought about taking these jokes to The Antiques Roadshow? 

[Stevo985]

Old but gold

[BOF]

1 hour ago, mjmooney said:

BOF, have you thought about taking these jokes to The Antiques Roadshow? 

You're one to talk.  I heard you accidentally sent nude photos of yourself to everyone in your address book the other day and it cost you a fortune in stamps.

 

 

[Stevo985]

LIked for the best gif ever

[Meath_Villan]

I told my doctor I think I'm going deaf.
He said "what are the symptoms".
I said "It's a cartoon about a yellow family, but what's that got to do with it?"

[Brumerican]

On 2017-4-21 at 14:45, rjw63 said:

Meeting.

 

What a Jamaican calls his penis.

Propagating. 

What a Jamaican calls something that's super ghey. 

[JB]

My mate and I went to a charity event for women with no legs. It was brilliant - the dancefloor was crawling with fanny. 

[Ikantcpell]

Apparently the leader of ISIS has gone into hiding and surrounded himself with 71 virgins.

Well at least we know he isn't in Liverpool

[magnkarl]

An old British favourite of mine. Sorry if it's been posted before.

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

[magnkarl]

Also, one I heard the other day. 

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? 

You look for fresh prints.

[mjmooney]

1 hour ago, magnkarl said:

An old British favourite of mine. Sorry if it's been posted before.

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

"Autos"??? That was no Englishman.

Motor cars, please.