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Are IKEA Nazi's, You decide?


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  1. 1. Ikea?

    • Nazi's you wish were rounded up and sent away for life?
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    • Purveyors of the finest flat pack furniture
      20


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IKEA shocker rocks world of right-wing DIY

Flat-pack furore

by Ian Ascough

Popular boffins' rhythm mag New Scientist is set to publish amazing new details of an investigation set to send shock-waves through the right-wing DIY community, The Rockall Times can reveal.

According to a ten-minute study into post-1945 German immigration, the report suggests that rather than flee to South America — as has long been suspected — high-ranking members of the Nazi party chartered Easyjet flights to Stockholm's Vasteras Airport. In Sweden — a country known for its liberal views — the tall, blonde and blue-eyed war criminals re-invented themselves as entrepreneurs and, in 1951, published the very first IKEA catalogue.

Using the alias nom de plume anonym moniker pseudonym epithet rubric Ingvar Kamprad, New Scientist alleges that German National Socialists quite literally set up shop in the impoverished Swedish region of Småland. Disappointed analysts at The Rockall Times report that Ingvar Kamprad, the individual alleged to be responsible for the IKEA concept, is not an anagram of anything more sinister than Darken Amra Kiva Pig — chilling testament to the depths the evil Nazis were willing to plumb to cover their wicked tracks.

IKEA chiefs claim the idea behind the shop was to offer home furnishing products of good function and design at prices much lower than competitors by using simple "cost-cutting final solutions" that did not affect the quality of products. However, the New Scientist exposé blasts the claims and proves Nazis have been able continue their reign of terror and anti-social behaviour by using IKEA as an execrable front. The Rockall Times contacted a world-renowned art expert who told us, on condition of anonymity: "Having studied and compared IKEA furniture instruction booklets with brushstrokes of watercolours completed by the accomplished Nazi artist Führer Adolf Hitler, there can be little doubt that both are the work of the same individual," said the BBC's David Dickinson on condition of anonymity.

IKEA instructions feature grinning, genderless cartoon shapes ostensibly pursuing a series of cryptic numbers around pages littered with Delphian images of what could be bits of wood or moulded plastic. Hitler — who was a popular Austrian humorist before his name became a by-word for despotism — is understood to have enjoyed presenting gifts of self-assembly furniture to his disciples during Germany's unfortunate misunderstanding with Britain during the 1940s. New Scientist claims the crowning zenith of Hitler's favourite lark was that the furniture would be missing a piece essential to its successful, functional completion.

The Rockall Times media department has viewed leaked and never-before-seen moving pictures of Hitler, Goebbels, Goering and Jeremy Beadle watching CCTV footage of unsuspecting Nazi-party sponsors attempting to assemble items of furniture. To the recipient, the gifts were simply examples of their leader's largesse and philanthropy. For Hitler and his wacky comedy cohorts the footage provided hours of pleasure and a genial release from the Niagara of Frenchmen throwing themselves at their feet in defiant submission.

The IKEA trademark represents the leading home furnishings brand in the world with more than 200 stores in more than 30 countries and more than 85,000 co-workers. Despite the New Scientist report, shares in IKEA remained steady in The City and in a move that is bound to shock analysts of totalitarian terror regimes The Financial Times tipped stock in the Swedish-based company to rise. "People have long suspected IKEA as a harbinger of the apocalypse and of being in coalition with Beelzebub himself," noted Luis Cypher of the Bank of England. "This really isn't news".

IKEA's arch rival MFI is reported to be following the situation closely. "We're following the IKEA situation closely," said MFI Chairman and Head of UK Operations Osama Bin Laden.

In North Korea, meanwhile, Dear Leader Kim Jong II was spotted leaving the Toys 'R Us near his Chŏngjin holiday home. The fun-loving satirist, who is rumoured to have been shopping for his good friend Bono, would not comment on the New Scientist accusations.

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high-ranking members of the Nazi party chartered Easyjet flights to Stockholm's Vasteras Airport.

I am afraid that I cannot take this seriously as everybody knows that Easyjet don't fly to Vasteras, it is strictly the preserve of Ryanair :winkold:

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I have to say I'm with Ali on Ikea. The places are soleless warehouse sized hell-holes full of seemingly anaesthetised drones trudging round in an almost endless loop of consumerist depair.

If I never have to visit one of them ever again, it would be too soon.

I burn their catalogues, or feed them to the Jehovas witnesses I recently killed and dismembered then re-assembled as a homage to the far superior Habitat range of home furnishings and strange little glass things - the ones that no-one knows what they're for.

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stuart if this doesn't give the game away i don't know what will :

The Rockall Times media department has viewed leaked and never-before-seen moving pictures of Hitler, Goebbels, Goering and Jeremy Beadle watching CCTV footage of unsuspecting Nazi-party sponsors attempting to assemble items of furniture.

it's a joke, onion-esque really

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