bickster Posted October 28, 2007 Moderator Share Posted October 28, 2007 IKEA shocker rocks world of right-wing DIY Flat-pack furore by Ian Ascough Popular boffins' rhythm mag New Scientist is set to publish amazing new details of an investigation set to send shock-waves through the right-wing DIY community, The Rockall Times can reveal. According to a ten-minute study into post-1945 German immigration, the report suggests that rather than flee to South America — as has long been suspected — high-ranking members of the Nazi party chartered Easyjet flights to Stockholm's Vasteras Airport. In Sweden — a country known for its liberal views — the tall, blonde and blue-eyed war criminals re-invented themselves as entrepreneurs and, in 1951, published the very first IKEA catalogue. Using the alias nom de plume anonym moniker pseudonym epithet rubric Ingvar Kamprad, New Scientist alleges that German National Socialists quite literally set up shop in the impoverished Swedish region of Småland. Disappointed analysts at The Rockall Times report that Ingvar Kamprad, the individual alleged to be responsible for the IKEA concept, is not an anagram of anything more sinister than Darken Amra Kiva Pig — chilling testament to the depths the evil Nazis were willing to plumb to cover their wicked tracks. IKEA chiefs claim the idea behind the shop was to offer home furnishing products of good function and design at prices much lower than competitors by using simple "cost-cutting final solutions" that did not affect the quality of products. However, the New Scientist exposé blasts the claims and proves Nazis have been able continue their reign of terror and anti-social behaviour by using IKEA as an execrable front. The Rockall Times contacted a world-renowned art expert who told us, on condition of anonymity: "Having studied and compared IKEA furniture instruction booklets with brushstrokes of watercolours completed by the accomplished Nazi artist Führer Adolf Hitler, there can be little doubt that both are the work of the same individual," said the BBC's David Dickinson on condition of anonymity. IKEA instructions feature grinning, genderless cartoon shapes ostensibly pursuing a series of cryptic numbers around pages littered with Delphian images of what could be bits of wood or moulded plastic. Hitler — who was a popular Austrian humorist before his name became a by-word for despotism — is understood to have enjoyed presenting gifts of self-assembly furniture to his disciples during Germany's unfortunate misunderstanding with Britain during the 1940s. New Scientist claims the crowning zenith of Hitler's favourite lark was that the furniture would be missing a piece essential to its successful, functional completion. The Rockall Times media department has viewed leaked and never-before-seen moving pictures of Hitler, Goebbels, Goering and Jeremy Beadle watching CCTV footage of unsuspecting Nazi-party sponsors attempting to assemble items of furniture. To the recipient, the gifts were simply examples of their leader's largesse and philanthropy. For Hitler and his wacky comedy cohorts the footage provided hours of pleasure and a genial release from the Niagara of Frenchmen throwing themselves at their feet in defiant submission. The IKEA trademark represents the leading home furnishings brand in the world with more than 200 stores in more than 30 countries and more than 85,000 co-workers. Despite the New Scientist report, shares in IKEA remained steady in The City and in a move that is bound to shock analysts of totalitarian terror regimes The Financial Times tipped stock in the Swedish-based company to rise. "People have long suspected IKEA as a harbinger of the apocalypse and of being in coalition with Beelzebub himself," noted Luis Cypher of the Bank of England. "This really isn't news". IKEA's arch rival MFI is reported to be following the situation closely. "We're following the IKEA situation closely," said MFI Chairman and Head of UK Operations Osama Bin Laden. In North Korea, meanwhile, Dear Leader Kim Jong II was spotted leaving the Toys 'R Us near his Chŏngjin holiday home. The fun-loving satirist, who is rumoured to have been shopping for his good friend Bono, would not comment on the New Scientist accusations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted October 28, 2007 Share Posted October 28, 2007 Im sold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted October 28, 2007 Author Moderator Share Posted October 28, 2007 Im sold. Ah, Nayson must be a flimsily made angle-poise lamp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 28, 2007 Share Posted October 28, 2007 Seeing as I'm a National-Socialitszer, IKEA are Der Bollex :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trekka Posted October 28, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted October 28, 2007 Seeing as I'm a National-Socialitszer, IKEA are Der Bollex :-) Der Swine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheSufferingVilla Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I was wondering why the ovens they sold at IKEA were so bloody huge. Now I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thetrees Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 high-ranking members of the Nazi party chartered Easyjet flights to Stockholm's Vasteras Airport. I am afraid that I cannot take this seriously as everybody knows that Easyjet don't fly to Vasteras, it is strictly the preserve of Ryanair :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b6bloke Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Yep i think Nazis but they sell hot dogs for 50p and the meatballs are lush so they have my vote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahamaad Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I dislike IKEA immensely. Terrible place, its no wonder they stuck it in Wednesbury.... :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stewiek2 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Marverllous. The spirit of Private eye lives on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeepDish Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Ah, a chance to post the Swedish midsummer party commercial that was banned by the IKEA headquarter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8I5BGsK5ZAU Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blandy Posted October 29, 2007 Moderator Share Posted October 29, 2007 I have to say I'm with Ali on Ikea. The places are soleless warehouse sized hell-holes full of seemingly anaesthetised drones trudging round in an almost endless loop of consumerist depair. If I never have to visit one of them ever again, it would be too soon. I burn their catalogues, or feed them to the Jehovas witnesses I recently killed and dismembered then re-assembled as a homage to the far superior Habitat range of home furnishings and strange little glass things - the ones that no-one knows what they're for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grant(aka_eddy) Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I was wondering why the ovens they sold at IKEA were so bloody huge. Now I know. You sir, are going straight to hell! Do not pass 'go', do not collect £200. (it did make me chuckle though!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuart_75 Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 10 minute study into post-1945 German immigration, Glad to see they spend some time coming up with this shite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 stuart if this doesn't give the game away i don't know what will : The Rockall Times media department has viewed leaked and never-before-seen moving pictures of Hitler, Goebbels, Goering and Jeremy Beadle watching CCTV footage of unsuspecting Nazi-party sponsors attempting to assemble items of furniture. it's a joke, onion-esque really Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qwpzxjor1 Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Most people buy their furniture from Ikea. I bought my cutlery there. All day there shopping for a bed, and I leave there with 4 knives and forks. Didnt quite go to plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Zen Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 I like IKEA. I never purchase furniture elsewhere. Not that I purchase a lot of furniture anyway. It's efficient, affordable and decent enough quality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted October 31, 2007 Share Posted October 31, 2007 I was wondering why the ovens they sold at IKEA were so bloody huge. Now I know. I shouldn't laugh, I really shouldn't... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts