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Pranks & Vengeance


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You do realise dont you, that what unfolded in the Jack Grealish thread recently was just a mini-prank... dihydrogen monoxide (and hydroxic acid) is literally water. Nobody got sucked into that one did they :ph34r:? That scored a 0.001/10 on the prank-o-meter. That dihydrogen monoxide crap, I fully unleashed on my workplace and had people literally in sheer panic about the "hydroxic acid spillage in the kitchen by the sink", the sign on the toilets about the "dihydrogen monoxide leak" all sorts. Nobody even googled it, just panicked. These people are so gullible, i need more, and better! 

Let's form a repository for sharing best practice when it comes to all things prankage and vengeance. I want to hear your "greatest hits" of sweet payback or unprompted wind-ups, and not just the "best ones" but the ones that meant the most to you, and why... from the home, the workplace, the pub, the ground, school, college, uni anywhere...

 

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My own actual greatest hit for me isnt my best one but meant the most to me as when in 2007 I moved into a place that pretty soon after i realised the walls were kinda thin.... and.... that my next door neighbour was a complete arsehole... this guy played music until crazy times in the early hours, awful techno sh--. The guy would never leave the house, never answer the door, never even open the curtains. Proper weirdo. So when it came to banging wall / asking (telling) through letterbox to keep the music down, i wouldnt get any reply. Nothing. In that new tenancy agreement i knew at that time that i would have to do something... that things wouldnt change unless i stepped it up.

So, i decided to weaponise Cliff. Given the walls being paper thin, and i could hear everything I thought, what is the worst shit you could possibly inflict upon someone, Cliff bleedin Richard. I turned all my Wharfedales towards his bedroom wall, got my mate to bring round his bass guitar amp, hooked it all up to my technics old school seperates, bought Mistletoe and Wine off Itunes, put that hellspawned track on loop play, and f-----d off to stay at my mates on his couch for the rest of the week and weekend...

I will never forget driving back home that Sunday night to the sound of Cliff Richard bellowing from my house still... seeing my neighbours lights on and for the first time, the curtain twitch from his house. It all got better thereon, the guy was still a dick, but even so, his music never went to a piss-take level for the whole time i lived there. So, this tale of revenge isnt a major one, i've posted this as mine as what it meant to me in vengeance to solve a dispute. 

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I did exactly the same thing with a noisy neighbour, the only difference being that I used The Small Faces' 'Lazy Sunday' ("Wouldn't it be nice to get on wiv yer neighbour...") instead of Cliff. It didn't work. What did work was me going round at 3am, seething with rage, and threatening him with violence. 

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I am not proud of this.

A long time ago, when I worked for the Queen, we had borrowed a Bike from someone you wouldn't want to upset. We needed it to get around the airfield where we worked. One day I cycled to another Squadron's location on the airfield to get some tools. When I got back to the bike, it wasn't there. It had gone. About a week later it appeared at our hangar, but it was no longer a pristine black gleaming bog standard bike. The pedals would only go backwards, it was painted (badly) red and yellow and black stripes, the tyres were flat, etc. and so forth.

We needed revenge. Time passed. It was a hot summer.

One day a few weeks later there was a strange smell coming from underneath the floor in the hangar. It was getting worse. Eventually we got a crow bar and lifted up the concrete slab covering the underfloor heating ducts. We found a dead cat. It had obviously unfortunately got in there, but couldn't get back out. We put the dead cat in a bin bag and chucked it in the skip outside.

A few days later someone had the idea that perhaps we could deliver the dead cat to our bike altering friends. So the bin bag was retrieved from the skip, a lithe young lad was dispatched to the other sqn's location, whereupon he took the bin-bag into the gents loos, placed it in a cubicle, upon a loo seat, untied the know and shimmied out of the locked cubicle.

You can imagine the rest. It was a hot summer, their whole building started to absolutely stink. It took them about 2 or 3 days before they located the "problem". They had to send someone in wearing a respirator to remove it, such was the odious pong.

We denied all knowledge, but got a proper bollocking and warned as to any future conduct etc. and so forth.

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Vengeance? Sort of.

Some word removed keyed my car when I used to keep it in the garden. Not just lines but child like scrawl on EVERY panel and even the windscreen. Aforementioned prick didn't know it was my car, he thought it was the missus' (yes, a rocket polisher ex). Of course we knew who it was but could prove nothing.

Not long before, the same prick had driven his car into our back gates, damaging them, luckily a neighbour saw what car it was. When she described it I knew who it was. I gave her my number and she said she'd ring if he showed up again.

Fast forward about 3 months, and it's early evening and my phone rings; very helpful neighbour tells me Mr Sad Prick is outside in his car having a smoke. This is where I get a bit lucky...firstly, he drives away, wheels screeching, after I've only smashed one of his windows with a metal baseball bat. I really would have smashed his skull if I could have.

Secondly, he drives directly to the local nick (2 minutes away) to report me for my violent act, where promptly gets nicked for drink driving, and it's his 3rd offence.

Oh how we laughed.

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  • 2 weeks later...

ive done my fair share of pranks but today I really planted the seed. Lad I work with who is one of the bosses son in law is always going on about sex and looking at escort websites etc. He also buys the daily sport twice a week and enjoys reading it for some bizarre reason. In the morning he will quickly look through and then at dinner he will read it. Before dinner today I went and jerked off all over the centre page and then closed the paper and put it back in the van. When he was reading it he came to the middle page and it was obviously all stuck together. At first he was like what the **** is that, is it yogurt? Then he said bloody hell it smells like man milk, which to his horror it was. Then the van erupted with laughter :D I know I know I'm a dirty clearing in the woods.

 

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I was expecting an elaborate prank, perhaps playing the long game on something, but no, you just spunked on a lads newspaper. 

That's why we love you Ruge! :)

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Yonks ago I was on an excursion with 15 others from our cricket club. One of the lads kept wanking at night, and being very noisy. By the 5th night we were pissed off so when he fell asleep we put deep heat on his hands and waited.

The screams. :thumb:

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The first prank I can remember pulling was when I was about 5, I pissed in a glass and told my buddy Matt that it was orange juice and he should drink it. He didn't, and I got in trouble. I'm having a drink with him tonight actually, I might have to try it again..

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A harmless one for April Fools Day.  Leave a post-it on a colleague's desk with just the phone number of the local zoo on it and the name "Annie Lyons" above it.  They ring the zoo looking for Annie Lyons.  Oh how we laugh.

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13 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

ive done my fair share of pranks but today I really planted the seed. Lad I work with who is one of the bosses son in law is always going on about sex and looking at escort websites etc. He also buys the daily sport twice a week and enjoys reading it for some bizarre reason. In the morning he will quickly look through and then at dinner he will read it. Before dinner today I went and jerked off all over the centre page and then closed the paper and put it back in the van. When he was reading it he came to the middle page and it was obviously all stuck together. At first he was like what the **** is that, is it yogurt? Then he said bloody hell it smells like man milk, which to his horror it was. Then the van erupted with laughter :D I know I know I'm a dirty clearing in the woods.

 

The **** did I just read  O.o

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On 14/10/2016 at 10:17, blandy said:

I am not proud of this.

A long time ago, when I worked for the Queen, we had borrowed a Bike from someone you wouldn't want to upset. We needed it to get around the airfield where we worked. One day I cycled to another Squadron's location on the airfield to get some tools. 

Trying to work out which county/overseas territory this particular airfield could be, that housed 2 squadrons.  Give me a clue what were the aircraft types?

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23 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

ive done my fair share of pranks but today I really planted the seed. Lad I work with who is one of the bosses son in law is always going on about sex and looking at escort websites etc. He also buys the daily sport twice a week and enjoys reading it for some bizarre reason. In the morning he will quickly look through and then at dinner he will read it. Before dinner today I went and jerked off all over the centre page and then closed the paper and put it back in the van. When he was reading it he came to the middle page and it was obviously all stuck together. At first he was like what the **** is that, is it yogurt? Then he said bloody hell it smells like man milk, which to his horror it was. Then the van erupted with laughter :D I know I know I'm a dirty clearing in the woods.

 

so...are you going to ask him how he knows what man milk smells like?

I might have produced a few gallons over the decades but I've never had any up my nose :)

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I worked at a car factory many years ago, and the guy who oiled all the track chains had a great little shanty with old car chairs, tea making stuff and loads of porno mags. It was the place to skive.

Anyway, one Friday when they'd all **** off I got the key out of the secret hidey hole and let myself in, did a big shit in a Nescafe jar, wound about 300 meters of masking tape round it, and on it in marker pen wrote "DO NOT OPEN".

Of course, one of them did - on Monday morning. The spew was magnificent.

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8 minutes ago, rjw63 said:

I worked at a car factory many years ago, and the guy who oiled all the track chains had a great little shanty with old car chairs, tea making stuff and loads of porno mags. It was the place to skive.

Anyway, one Friday when they'd all **** off I got the key out of the secret hidey hole and let myself in, did a big shit in a Nescafe jar, wound about 300 meters of masking tape round it, and on it in marker pen wrote "DO NOT OPEN".

Of course, one of them did - on Monday morning. The spew was magnificent.

We all know what man milk smells like don't we?  Ya filthy animal :D

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