Jump to content

The VT writers cove...


Dodgyknees

Recommended Posts

FADE IN:

INT. VILLA CLUB SHOP

VILLA JANE walks around the store, bored. DELIVERY MAN DAVE enters, wearing short-shorts and holding a clipboard.

VILLA JANE

Can I help you?

DELIVERY MAN DAVE

I've got a package for you.

VJ

(coy)

A package?

DMD

Yes, love, three boxes of Villa baseball caps.

VJ

Is that it?

VILLA JANE walks to the till and turns on a radio. Sexy music plays. She turns round and approaches DELIVERY MAN DAVE seductively.

DMD

(confused)

Ye... yeah well I think so, just let me check this... uh... what are you doing?

VJ

I want to see your package

DMD

I'll … just …. uh... get it from the van, alright?.

DELIVERY MAN DAVE turns and runs out of the store. Enter JACK WOODWARD, dressed as a pirate, waving a large pink dildo.

JACK

Yaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr

*applause*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

DELIVERY MAN DAVE turns and runs out of the store. Enter JACK WOODWARD, dressed as a pirate, waving a large pink dildo.

 

JACK

Yaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

I love a story with a happy ending.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Trouble is, we want to write about anything except... Aston Villa. 

Why's that a problem? I was asked to add blogging so that people could write blogs. Please note the lack of the words "Aston" or "Villa" in that sentence.

 

If people want to write stuff for VillaTalk then I'll need to get some wheels back in motion. If people want to write a blog, they can start in about 5 seconds.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I set up the "Blogs" link at the top of every page as people had asked for that many times in the past. It's been a year since anyone's posted to it.

 

We were searching for writers continuously. I gave up when we moved to the new site (due to the lack of interest) - that's why the new site doesn't have a front page and opens straight into the forum. John's match reports have survived and are syndicated to VT's Google+, Facebook and Newsnow presences.

 

If there are people who want to write for VT then indicate so in this thread and I'll sort out some better information.

I wrote something once. But not because I thought it was needed, just because I wanted to.

 

I'd suggest that if the overwhelming response is "I didn't know you were asking for writers" (that's my opinion too, I didn't know you were desperate for writers) then maybe you weren't asking very well?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 year later...

Back from t'dead.

 

I've been asked to submit a manuscript for my book idea. What are they looking for? I've never done this before. Also, it's to a literary agent, I am wondering (seeing as they deal with one publishing company) whether I should shop around? Would others accept a synopsis and one chapter? I don't fancy sending all I have.

 

Cheers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Back from t'dead.

 

I've been asked to submit a manuscript for my book idea. What are they looking for? I've never done this before. Also, it's to a literary agent, I am wondering (seeing as they deal with one publishing company) whether I should shop around? Would others accept a synopsis and one chapter? I don't fancy sending all I have.

 

Cheers.

 

Here you go;

 

As I walked down the hall way I could see a feint, weiry looking outline.  It looked a lot like Petey the Screw.  My pace accelerated towards the figure.

 

A slow, mesmerizing fart noise in the distance.. It came from my right side.  Another long, dark hallway.. I look back to where the mystery figure was standing, but it was gone.  Petey the Screw used the distraction to his best advantage… “Typical Petey..” I thought to myself, quietly laughing.

 

I looked towards the hallway where I heard the fart.  I started down it, stepping slowly around what appeared to look like monster munch scattered on the floor.. I HAD to be careful not to step on them, which would give my position away.

 

A few more steps go by..  I’m halfway down the corridor, now filled with the stench of whoever farted.. “IT **** STINKS OF SHIT DOWN HERE!” I shout in my head.  I hear another long, aching fart from down the corridor. 

 

“Jesus H Christ.. get that guy some dia-calm” I think..

 

“OOOOOOH SHIT!!” – someone shouts from behind the only door down the hall.  I stand still, anticipating more.

 

“HUMMMMMPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” – The guy behind the door is obviously pooping, hard.

 

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit..” – The guy is obviously giving this turd his all.. I genuinely feel sick, the smell is so bad.. It smells like a bacon cheesecake made with turgid milk.

 

I quickly step towards the door, whilst the voice of the guy in behind the door is struggling with his bowels.

 

"I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!" - the guy screams.  *BANG!*

 

It sounds like a party cracker going off.. I’m right next to the door, shitting myself.  I pull out my pistol and grasp the doorknob.

 

*CREEEEAAK* Goes the doorknob as I attempt to slowly open the door.  The door opens.

 

“OH MY GOD….” – My eyes widen, I drop my gun and both of my hands are cupped to my mouth..

There’s a guy lying in a pool of blood... and shit.. He’s ONLY GONE AND SHOT HIMSELF IN THE ANUS!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've given up writing porn movies. I focus mainly on short stories involving a character called Hipster Harry. He gets into various adventures and scrapes, all while listening to the latest beats, drinking caramel lattes, and maintaining an excellent beard. In a recent story he met his love, Hipster Harrietta (she just loves dungarees) but they fell out over which 90s boy band should be considered underrated gems (he thought N*Sync, she thought Five). Will they able to reconcile their differences and join forces to hunt down classic films on VHS?

 

I'm thinking this could be serialized in a magazine or something.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The place was completely still, the curtains hadn't twitched for a good 7 hours, the air was balmy and the smell of vanilla faintly drifted up my nose.  It was pleasant, the moonlight shining through the stained glass window, illuminating the image of a far gone age stoning.. I should have gone with Jesus riding a donkey, it would have been less shocking, particularly because I was sat in my living room.  People can't relax around it.

 

But stuff them, it was my money, I quite like the graphic detail contained within the image.  a body which is almost unidentifiable, being poked at by young children whilst irate adults are still cascading rocks, pebbles and shoes upon it.  That woman must have done something really annoying.

 

The vanilla smell faded, maybe I'd gotten used to it, but the smell became less and less.  I slowly turned away from the stained glass window and looked towards my feet.  I bent down and wiped a small spot of blood off my right foot, the blood smearing slightly as my finger ran through the hair on my toe.  With a slight wobble, I stood up.

 

"So.." I began.. "Where is it?"

 

A cough, but no reply.

 

"I could carry on as we are, OR.. you could tell me and I could just end this all now, I let you leave and this situation will just have been a some-what bad memory.."

 

"P..p..ple.."

 

I interject.

 

"I'm sorry, are you attempting to communicate?  Because you're not doing a very good job of it.."

 

"****.. *sobbing* **** hell.. please God help me.. oh God.."

 

"God's not here, is he?  It's just you and I.. I need to know where it is, the sooner you **** tell me, the sooner ALL OF THIS STOPS!"

 

My voice pierced through the air, breaking the calm which preceded it.  Terry was in a bad shape.  New and old blood curdled together down his face.  His eyes were swollen to the point of blindness, his nose was smashed up to a pulp and I'd dislocated all 10 of his digits to the point his hands appeared to be a bundle of sticks. 

 

"Maybe this is too much.." I thought briefly.

 

"T- try looking..down the side of.."

 

"Go on!" I urge Terry to keep going, despite his semi-conciousness.

 

"The side of the sofa!..  Try looking there" He managed to spit out, with every harsh letter spitting out blood.

 

I looked over to the sofa, it was nice - from Cousins I believe.  A three piece suite with electronic reclining, tan leather and barely even broken in.

 

I leaned on the arm of the sofa and used my left hand to reach down the arm of the sofa.  I felt something, I pulled my hand out and I waited with bated breath to see my reward.

 

"Aaaahahaahaha! YESSSSSSSSSS!!! There she is!"

 

My face beamed with a crazed smile.  I knew what I had in my hand could end all of the pain, the suffering and malaise.

 

I quickly switched my head to Terry, who was still tied up in the chair, blood soaked, piss and shit stained chino shorts.

 

"Why didn't you just tell me where it was?!"

 

"I just wanted to.."

 

I rudely interuppted.

 

"We didn't need to go through ANY of this shit, Terry... EVERY **** SUNDAY!"

 

Terry began crying, a crimson snot bubble bursting out of his nose.

 

"I just wanted to" He uttered.

 

"EVERY **** SUNDAY TERRY!  WE HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY **** SUNDAY!! I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY **** TIMES I HAVE TO TELL YOU!!!"

 

"It's not that bad" He sniffled.

 

I instantly calmed. 

 

"Terry.. mate.  they're too old, it's too old, it's just shit.  just forget about it..  It's not worth all of this *gesturing towards him*, is it?"

 

"B..but.. I really like Top Gear"

 

"But it's MY TV TERRY!! I GET TO CHOOSE WHAT WE WATCH YOU **** word removed!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

My rage raised to new levels, I **** hate Top Gear with those unfunny clearings in the woods presenting it.  So I killed Terry by shooting him a billion times in the knob and I ran outside and there was police everywhere so I just sat on my bum and killed myself with one of those little garden boarder pegs by stabbing myself in the head and that.

 

FIN.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Back from t'dead.

 

I've been asked to submit a manuscript for my book idea. What are they looking for? I've never done this before. Also, it's to a literary agent, I am wondering (seeing as they deal with one publishing company) whether I should shop around? Would others accept a synopsis and one chapter? I don't fancy sending all I have.

 

Cheers.

 

I don't know what they're looking for, but some agents will look over a manuscript and offer you advice for a fee on how to change it. You might think that's a rubbish deal, but I suppose it helps reduce the changes of other agents filing your manuscript in the waste-paper basket. That's probably not what you're being asked for if they haven't mentioned money though. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Back from t'dead.

 

I've been asked to submit a manuscript for my book idea. What are they looking for? I've never done this before. Also, it's to a literary agent, I am wondering (seeing as they deal with one publishing company) whether I should shop around? Would others accept a synopsis and one chapter? I don't fancy sending all I have.

 

Cheers.

 

I don't know what they're looking for, but some agents will look over a manuscript and offer you advice for a fee on how to change it. You might think that's a rubbish deal, but I suppose it helps reduce the changes of other agents filing your manuscript in the waste-paper basket. That's probably not what you're being asked for if they haven't mentioned money though. 

 

 

Nope, nothing has been mentioned about money. The idea (synopsis extended) has been given to a number of kids in the range the book is for (well, 10-anything, but mainly 10-teen) and the feedback came back as they want to read more, so now the agency are all over it. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...
Â