Vive_La_Villa Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 3 hours ago, kurtsimonw said: I feel as close to the end as I ever have. The gym was supposed to help me feel better. But despite seeing various different PTs regarding form, workouts and nutrition, I have not progressed in any way. My body fat is exactly the same. My ugly, skinny fat, body is the same. My lifts are still tiny and not progressing. It became nothing more than a source of intense stress that I would always be ugly. Socially things are as bad as ever. I've tried to improve my confidence. I've attended a few MeetUp type things, but nothing came of them. I feel I have no friendships at this point, and my romantic life is just dead. I've tried talking to women, tried online dating and dating apps again to no success. I've not been in to work since December 23rd, aside from a 4 hour return to work things this past Saturday. It was meant to be 8 hours, then a continuation from there. But I just went home at lunch and haven't been back. Despite not being in since before Christmas. I've not heard from anyone at work, it's amazing how when you take a step back you realise how little impact you have on anyone's life. I feel completely irrelevant at this point. Even things I want to do to help improve myself, I just can't. There's only one way out, unfortunately. It's just about getting the courage. we may have discussed this before but have you tried the medication route? I mean kept with it for a good 6 months? If you haven’t I think you should serious consider it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post jackbauer24 Posted February 12, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 12, 2020 @kurtsimonw For a start, forget romantic relationships for the moment. It'd be like expecting yourself to be pulling whilst in a coma! You can date until you're awake again, you sound too low for that. With the best will in the world, your conversation and energy for new relationships will show through and we all put on an act on at the start which can be tiring. Concentrate on making yourself better and the above will come back. A technicality on work - often if people are off long term then workers are instructed not to contact them. This is under the belief that you need a break. People also do this, assume you want a breather. Don't assume it's because people aren't thinking. And finally, if you can, think about coming to meet me and about 50 like minded blokes of differing ages and social backgrounds who play football every Wednesday at Villa with the AVFC Foundation. Fitness, social, safe and support. You may find things grow from there. What you got to lose? 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 12, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted February 12, 2020 @kurtsimonw I know we're just blokes on a football forum, but you absolutely have an impact on our lives. Look how worried we all were when you stopped posting for a while. How we tracked you down on Twitter and facebook to make sure you're ok. I think about you all of the time. I've recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I'm lucky that it's relatively mild, but I often think about how hard it must be for you to have it more severely and worry that you're ok. I think when you feel like this it's easy to convince yourself that nobody cares and you don't matter. But it's not true. If you really feel like this is rock bottom then things can only get better. Imagine how much better things can get if you really feel like you're as low as you can go. Sorry if you've already been down this route, but have you tried talking to anyone like the Samaritans or Mind or tasc or anyone like that? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 12, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted February 12, 2020 3 minutes ago, jackbauer24 said: And finally, if you can, think about coming to meet me and about 50 like minded blokes of differing ages and social backgrounds who play football every Wednesday at Villa with the AVFC Foundation. Fitness, social, safe and support. You may find things grow from there. What you got to lose? This is a great idea and I was thinking similar. If the gym is causing you more stress than it's taking away, then it might be worth swapping it with a more social exercise. PLenty of areas have 5 aside leagues or kickabouts where you can just turn up and play, or contact the organiser and they'll add you to a team or whatever. You'll get exercise, have more fun with it and meet new people. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Chindie Posted February 12, 2020 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted February 12, 2020 My own issues are well documented here and I'm still struggling, although I've got back into the ability of hiding them quite effectively. So far anywho. I would reiterate what's been said before. Just find something you enjoy and crack on with that. Everything else is either facilitating that or waiting to get to it again. Don't underestimate how good just getting back to work can be. I'm similar to you in that I don't really have friends. My friends are school and uni friends in the main, and they've all gone off in their lives to London and elsewhere. I last saw my best friends 2 years ago, and had any contact with any of them about a year ago. My parents are dead and I'm not from a close family. I don't live with my girlfriend and we don't see each other every day. My life is basically get up, piss about preparing for traveling to work, traveling to work, work, the same in reverse, 3 hours of TV/gaming and bed. At weekends it's a takeaway and TV 99% of the time with occasional hobby time (currently I've got into sculpting for a project I've reached to do for years). It's not the most exciting, or fulfilling existence. But I find the joy in it and I've always got something I'm looking forward to. By something that's as pathetic as a film coming out, or even a **** action figure coming out. You need to find the little joys. You need to figure away from the negatives, stop caring about them. I'm a **** mess - a grown man who struggles to go out, is well out of shape, looks **** rough, had no friends really, collects toys and builds geeky models. I'd like to improve most of that, but I don't really give a ****. If it does, cool, of not, I'll cope. I've no doubt I'll have dark times again and I do have the fleeting thoughts of necking the tablets and having done with it, but equally there's shit I want to do. Go find the shit you want to enjoy, don't chase things out of your control, go with the flow. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villaglint Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, kurtsimonw said: I feel as close to the end as I ever have. The gym was supposed to help me feel better. But despite seeing various different PTs regarding form, workouts and nutrition, I have not progressed in any way. My body fat is exactly the same. My ugly, skinny fat, body is the same. My lifts are still tiny and not progressing. It became nothing more than a source of intense stress that I would always be ugly. Socially things are as bad as ever. I've tried to improve my confidence. I've attended a few MeetUp type things, but nothing came of them. I feel I have no friendships at this point, and my romantic life is just dead. I've tried talking to women, tried online dating and dating apps again to no success. I've not been in to work since December 23rd, aside from a 4 hour return to work things this past Saturday. It was meant to be 8 hours, then a continuation from there. But I just went home at lunch and haven't been back. Despite not being in since before Christmas. I've not heard from anyone at work, it's amazing how when you take a step back you realise how little impact you have on anyone's life. I feel completely irrelevant at this point. Even things I want to do to help improve myself, I just can't. There's only one way out, unfortunately. It's just about getting the courage. Negative spirals vs positive spirals. At the moment everything points downwards and that has a self perpetuating effect. As you know that leads into a really dark situation. The thing is that when you get into a positive spiral it has exactly the same self perpetuating effect. Each little win builds on the last. As powerful as the negative feelings in you are at the moment the opposite can easily be true. You just need to find a way to tap into a different spiral. The gym is a really obvious way to try and change that but it isn't for everyone. It really doesn't matter what the "win" is just needs to be something that you show you can slowly master and take pleasure/satisfaction from. I was watching a random YT video the other day by a guy who was bullied at school for having big ears. He completely lost interest in the academic world, flunked all his exams and went down a very dark path similar to where you are. One day he found World of War Craft and he was terrible at it like everything else but he enjoyed it so he kept playing. He got to a point of becoming pretty obsessed because he saw that he was becoming pretty good at it and it was the first time he'd ever been good at anything. Eventually he won a competition with some other people he'd met online which made them the best team in the world. It was the best day of his life and the very next day he quit WoW because he'd achieved all he wanted to. A few years later he'd been travelling around and a friend introduced him to climbing. Over the course of two years he became a very very very good climber and now runs a climbing YT channel with 150k subscribers. His life has completely changed around because he found a little win and it took him in a different direction. It doesn't have to be WoW or women or friends or exercise or pottery. It can be anything, something that you take the smallest amount of intrinsic pleasure from. Just do it because you like doing it. Then keep doing it. Then because you are doing this thing more than most you'll be better at it than the person next to you. Keep doing it and you'll be better at it than everyone in the street. Then the town.....etc. The very act of getting on a more positive spiral will open up a new world to you. And all those other goals that feel impossible now will start to randomly fall into place. I completely get that it it feels like there is no way out. That is because your spiral only points in one direction. The smallest thing can change that spiral around. You will find it but you have to keep looking. Edited February 12, 2020 by villaglint 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 I've also found anxiety can spiral really quickly with negative thoughts, in an alarmingly quick fashion. And problems of wanting suggested solution x, y and z to work immediately but then not can be incredibly disheartening when you are so eager for a change in fortunes. I'm not sure the best way to achieve it, but finding some well of patience, is key. If you are trying a new activity or what have you, but trying it with a deeply pessimistic downbeat attitude then it risks being a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. You have plenty of people on your side. jackbauer's suggestion sounds like a good one. You are alive. And there are pleasures to be found. embrace the little things. get out for walks. I don't know if suggestions like trying going for a 'litter pick' with other people is a daft idea. Are there kennel's or rescue homes for animals that you could volunteer with - I mean that might sound completely random, but interacting with animals and/or nature can help with forms of depression. Just shooting nonsense out of my head for ideas. There might be events on at the local library that can introduce you to something different as well. Again don't view all of this on a road to finding a date, you're not in place to do that right now. That stuff comes later once you've found some inner peace a bit. There is truth in the line, 'if you don't like / love / respect yourself first, how can you expect other people to do the same?' 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villaglint Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 @Chindie beat me to it. He said exactly what I was trying to say just way better ! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 @kurtsimonw I remember quite vividly that your problems come from the feeling of loneliness, particularly after your break up. If you're feeling shit and not happy, as others have said, even behind a forced smile, any potential suitor will most likely see through it. I wouldn't be trying to get meetings with people yet, I'd just focus on talking to other people. I don't have many friends, but I do try and suggest things we can do together like Villa, where I nick their season tickets a couple of times as season (obviously), I'm going to book football golf, I booked a darts game thing at flight club in Bham over xmas, I'm booking a fishing trip down in Portsmouth for May - I only ask them if they fancy it. If they don't want to do whatever I'm suggesting then I'll try and think of something else. But as I said, I don't see my best friends all that often, I have my family, they have theirs, it's all good. I do get a lot of social value out of my PS4. I'll be on most nights playing battlefield with the same people, over and over again. We've been playing together since Battlefield 3, launched in 2011. We've never met, but we know a lot about each other and I consider them friends. They are my "pub", if you will, because I don't go to pubs, but there's the social element to it. You don't need to find contact with other people on dating apps, what about chat rooms or video games like MMORPG's? I don't suggest spending unholy amounts of time on them, but you do hear a lot of people meeting up after playing for a long time and becoming friends. I'm sure you have a PS4, others on VT do (we had an absolute blast on GTA for example and Rocket League) - Let's play! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 12, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted February 12, 2020 I haven't played my PS4 for a while but I'll happily fire it up and get a few games of Rocket League going if it will help 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 27 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: I haven't played my PS4 for a while but I'll happily fire it up and get a few games of Rocket League going if it will help yes yes 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam-AVFC Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 @lapal_fan what on earth do you mean you “don’t do pubs”?! Are you teetotal? I get it if you are, but I’m baffled if not. For me pubs are the holy grail of drinking. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 8 minutes ago, Sam-AVFC said: @lapal_fan what on earth do you mean you “don’t do pubs”?! Are you teetotal? I get it if you are, but I’m baffled if not. For me pubs are the holy grail of drinking. Nah I'm not teetotal, I just don't have a social circle where going to a pub is a thing. I find my local pubs are just full of young men and blokes who call each other "son" and that really **** me off. "Alright son?" Mate, you're 10 years younger than me, do one. eurgh, bravado. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 12, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted February 12, 2020 I go out fairly regularly drinking and rarely go to a proper pub either Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rodders0223 Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 This time around last year I remember breaking down in a pub and sobbing my heart out. I had enough of my crap life, I had become isolated from people, unable to make connections or meet new people, I saw no end to my misery and felt incapable of leading a fulfilling adult life, being in a relationship or offering anybody anything. That was my life from here on in, I was too old to change, too set in my ways, I had failed and there was no recovery from the dark path I had led myself down. Things change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam-AVFC Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 25 minutes ago, lapal_fan said: Nah I'm not teetotal, I just don't have a social circle where going to a pub is a thing. I find my local pubs are just full of young men and blokes who call each other "son" and that really **** me off. "Alright son?" Mate, you're 10 years younger than me, do one. eurgh, bravado. I guess I get that. When I drink with my friends we get really pissed then argue about anything and everything so I’m not a big fan of places with loud music. When I’m back home in Somerset I love wondering in to a local and joining some weird locals. Between Nigel who used to show everyone his hernia and one landlady that was so pissed one night she fell in the chest freezer and couldn’t get out there are some pretty good characters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam-AVFC Posted February 12, 2020 Share Posted February 12, 2020 18 minutes ago, Stevo985 said: I go out fairly regularly drinking and rarely go to a proper pub either I do bars as well, just don’t like the music too loud. Never find myself in clubs nowadays. I know it’s a good place to drink when I unthinkingly order something like an Aperol spritz and the landlord/landlady either looks at me blankly or like they want to spit in my face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 12, 2020 VT Supporter Share Posted February 12, 2020 2 minutes ago, Sam-AVFC said: I do bars as well, just don’t like the music too loud. Never find myself in clubs nowadays. I know it’s a good place to drink when I unthinkingly order something like an Aperol spritz and the landlord/landlady either looks at me blankly or like they want to spit in my face. If I was going for a drink with one or two mates I'd probably go to a pub. But if it was a night out it would be a bar. Agree on the music. I like a dance and music when I'm on a night out, but I take more pleasure in being with a bunch of mates and talking/getting drunk than being in a proper club these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Jimzk5 Posted February 12, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 12, 2020 6 hours ago, kurtsimonw said: I feel as close to the end as I ever have. The gym was supposed to help me feel better. But despite seeing various different PTs regarding form, workouts and nutrition, I have not progressed in any way. My body fat is exactly the same. My ugly, skinny fat, body is the same. My lifts are still tiny and not progressing. It became nothing more than a source of intense stress that I would always be ugly. Socially things are as bad as ever. I've tried to improve my confidence. I've attended a few MeetUp type things, but nothing came of them. I feel I have no friendships at this point, and my romantic life is just dead. I've tried talking to women, tried online dating and dating apps again to no success. I've not been in to work since December 23rd, aside from a 4 hour return to work things this past Saturday. It was meant to be 8 hours, then a continuation from there. But I just went home at lunch and haven't been back. Despite not being in since before Christmas. I've not heard from anyone at work, it's amazing how when you take a step back you realise how little impact you have on anyone's life. I feel completely irrelevant at this point. Even things I want to do to help improve myself, I just can't. There's only one way out, unfortunately. It's just about getting the courage. I don't feel totally ready to say what I'm about too on here but I'm hoping it will help you out In the last 12 months my life has changed so much, i had to quit my bricklaying career at the age of 33 because I've got arthritis in both shoulders and my hip is going the same way, at the same time I got diagnosed with an essential tremor which is basically uncontrollable shaking, putting a key in a door was a challenge, I did what I've always done, be stubborn and be a "proper bloke", but if gone from earning more money than I could spend to feeling worthless, found a couple of jobs but nothing filled that void I had being on site with my mates, anyway About a month ago i got ill with pneumonia, I was so bad the doctor in resus said if my wife hasn't called an ambulance I'd be dead, after a week I got sent home with check ups to see if I have COPD to see if my lungs are buggered, years of smoking and breathing in cement and brick dust have done damage, I'm waiting to find out how much On top of this I lost my job, it got too much but I pretended everything was ok too my wife and kids, I took the conscious decision to end it, one Sunday we did the usual family day out, walked the dog etc, in the evening I said I was going for a game of snooker with the intention of never coming back So i went out, got 12 cans of beer and a load of paracetamol after no where would sell me sleeping tablets, i threw my pho e so i couldnt be contacted, took the pills and not long after I threw up, undetered i slashed my wrists Luckily my wife found me parked up not far from home, I was taken to hospital and sectioned, it took me a few days to finally start talking to the doctors but it's helped me start to understand the root cause of the depression What I did has changed me for the better but please don't go down the road I went down, go and talk to your GP, you can self refer to talking groups too to tackle this No matter how alone you feel with the available you will get through it Please DM me if you want to talk, or even get some phone numbers of people to talk too. 4 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post villaglint Posted February 12, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 12, 2020 9 minutes ago, Jimzk5 said: I don't feel totally ready to say what I'm about too on here but I'm hoping it will help you out In the last 12 months my life has changed so much, i had to quit my bricklaying career at the age of 33 because I've got arthritis in both shoulders and my hip is going the same way, at the same time I got diagnosed with an essential tremor which is basically uncontrollable shaking, putting a key in a door was a challenge, I did what I've always done, be stubborn and be a "proper bloke", but if gone from earning more money than I could spend to feeling worthless, found a couple of jobs but nothing filled that void I had being on site with my mates, anyway About a month ago i got ill with pneumonia, I was so bad the doctor in resus said if my wife hasn't called an ambulance I'd be dead, after a week I got sent home with check ups to see if I have COPD to see if my lungs are buggered, years of smoking and breathing in cement and brick dust have done damage, I'm waiting to find out how much On top of this I lost my job, it got too much but I pretended everything was ok too my wife and kids, I took the conscious decision to end it, one Sunday we did the usual family day out, walked the dog etc, in the evening I said I was going for a game of snooker with the intention of never coming back So i went out, got 12 cans of beer and a load of paracetamol after no where would sell me sleeping tablets, i threw my pho e so i couldnt be contacted, took the pills and not long after I threw up, undetered i slashed my wrists Luckily my wife found me parked up not far from home, I was taken to hospital and sectioned, it took me a few days to finally start talking to the doctors but it's helped me start to understand the root cause of the depression What I did has changed me for the better but please don't go down the road I went down, go and talk to your GP, you can self refer to talking groups too to tackle this No matter how alone you feel with the available you will get through it Please DM me if you want to talk, or even get some phone numbers of people to talk too. That took a lot of guts. It's amazing that humans spend so much of their time being complete word removed's to each other but if they see a fellow human being in need they more than often step up. Hope things are going in a better direction for you now @Jimzk5 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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