rjw63 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 2 hours ago, mottaloo said: This part may need the expert advice of @rjw63 I think @kurtsimonw should DHUTWU, then have a bit of ATM, then make her face look like a plasterer's radio. Sorry to make light of it @kurtsimonw...I've always been the type that doesn't give a flying **** when people don't like me. I'd seriously NOT do the best man gig, not just because he's a word removed but because it's too stressful 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) Damn DP Edited October 9, 2019 by rjw63 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) AAArgh TP!!! Edited October 9, 2019 by rjw63 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted October 9, 2019 VT Supporter Share Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) 12 minutes ago, rjw63 said: AAArgh TP!!! I'm familiar with the concept of a DP but a triple?!? Edited October 9, 2019 by choffer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 2 minutes ago, choffer said: I'm familiar with the concept of a DP but a triple?!? The oft-disgusting "Legal Porno" make a habit of it. Not my scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 45 minutes ago, rjw63 said: I think @kurtsimonw should DHUTWU, then have a bit of ATM, then make her face look like a plasterer's radio. Sorry to make light of it @kurtsimonw...I've always been the type that doesn't give a flying **** when people don't like me. I'd seriously NOT do the best man gig, not just because he's a word removed but because it's too stressful It is stressful. That's another reason I'm surprised he asked. I've got really bad anxiety, so a speech is an impossibility, which he ans his other half know. I don't know anyone outside of him and the odd occasion I've seen his missus, which has made the stag do organising a bit awkward. I'd love to not be able to give a shit what others though, unfortunately when you feel like nobody likes you, you can't help but cling on to any positivity and hope people like you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 1 minute ago, kurtsimonw said: It is stressful. That's another reason I'm surprised he asked. I've got really bad anxiety, so a speech is an impossibility, which he ans his other half know. I don't know anyone outside of him and the odd occasion I've seen his missus, which has made the stag do organising a bit awkward. I'd love to not be able to give a shit what others though, unfortunately when you feel like nobody likes you, you can't help but cling on to any positivity and hope people like you! No you shouldn't mate. **** them. **** them all. Be yourself. Don't pander to others. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A'Villan Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 5 hours ago, KentVillan said: You're right, and I don't think I phrased it well. (Also in case you thought I was criticising your post - I wasn't directly replying to you, was more a general thought on this thread.) What I mean is that for a certain type of person (usually male) the popular shift in Western culture towards public displays of feeling can be just another pressure that you don't need. Some people need to do this in private (or anonymously, like on VT), and they need to do it in a way that doesn't feel intrusive and doesn't dwell on that emotional / spiritual block that others might perceive them to have. I obviously think counselling and the right therapist / psychiatrist can be a life saver for all types of people, including "stoic" characters - didn't mean to imply that talking therapies are a bad thing. But I think sometimes in the media and (especially) on social media, there is this tendency to blame everything on "toxic masculinity" and "peer pressure" and "social taboos", which actually delegitimises individuals who are really like that. Some of us really do like the buzz of running out on to a football pitch and flying into a fifty fifty and all the camaraderie and so on. Men who genuinely enjoy and thrive in macho environments, and / or who are very analytical personalities... they don't need to be told all the time to hug it out or cry or whatever. They often crave practical advice about how to improve their mental health. The best advice I ever got from a therapist was to walk at least an hour a day (get off the train a stop earlier, or walk to a client meeting, or do a loop of the park at lunchtime). That simple act did more for me than any amount of psychoanalysis. It became my meditation, and unlike sport, it was something I could do every day, whatever my routine. So all I meant was that if we focus too much on the "touchy feely" side of things, we may miss out on a lot of the more practical (or indeed medical / chemical) approaches that can also save lives, and may be more accessible to some people. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a mate who is struggling is just take a half day off work and go for a long walk together and talk about trivial nonsense. Football, TV, etc. I think too many people are led to believe that these conversations should be deeper and more intense. Just let your friend know through your actions that you're there, and that you value him, that's all. Give him some headspace. It really helps. Thanks for spelling it out for me. Totally agree. What you have described is actually similar to the processes that saved my life, no exaggeration about it. I have said in this thread my diagnosis, but never the traumas and circumstance that led to my breakdown and inability to live a fulfilling and healthy life. Don't worry, we won't go there now either, I just want to iterate that it was men and women who challenged me to develop the critical thinking necessary to pull myself out. Basketball, which I often go on about on these forums, and futsal, gave me an environment to regain my discipline, challenge myself, contribute to a team and exercise my health. There were also a few men who I worked with when I was in construction who I learnt a lot from, about toughing it out in order to accomplish something beneficial. Building houses can be arduous work, I thought I was fit from playing basketball at a professional level, but construction was a different set of demands and disciplines. Anyway, thanks again for clarifying your stance, I had a feeling that my reply might not represent your thoughts as you intended. Aimlessly inquiring about someone else's feelings for the sake of it isn't the most productive of pastimes, I'd even go as far as to say it can just perpetuate the problem at times. The angle I come from is this.. When you want to cultivate a garden, first you must rid of the weeds (bad habits and tendencies), then you plant the seeds, then growth can occur. It's an important point you make on giving those suffering some respite, even if it's through distraction, friendship is about being in good company not a drill sergeant or carer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 You shouldn’t be doing it. Too much stress and for what? Someone who doesn’t mean much to you and vice versa . By the sounds of it you could do without it. I get the worry of what the office will think, but it will pass. I pulled out of being best man for a good friend of mine. If truth be told I didn’t want to have to deal with all that and I had my excuses as to why I couldn’t . I felt a bit bad but I got over it quick enough . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NurembergVillan Posted October 9, 2019 Moderator Share Posted October 9, 2019 5 hours ago, kurtsimonw said: It is stressful. That's another reason I'm surprised he asked. I've got really bad anxiety, so a speech is an impossibility, which he ans his other half know. I don't know anyone outside of him and the odd occasion I've seen his missus, which has made the stag do organising a bit awkward. I'd love to not be able to give a shit what others though, unfortunately when you feel like nobody likes you, you can't help but cling on to any positivity and hope people like you! Here's your speech then - "Hello everyone, thanks so much for being here today. On behalf of the bride and groom I'd like to raise a glass to all of you. Cheers! Now is the part where it's traditional for me to roast the groom and make the bride blush. To be perfectly honest, I could count on my thumbs the number of times I've met her, and whilst the groom and I have been "friends" [do the air speech mark thing here] for a couple of years now, I barely know the word removed. In my limited experience I can definitely say he's a selfish bastard, though. Anyway, nobody likes a long speech. Here's to the bride and groom - cheers!" You're welcome. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post NurembergVillan Posted October 9, 2019 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted October 9, 2019 5 hours ago, kurtsimonw said: when you feel like nobody likes you, you can't help but cling on to any positivity and hope people like you! Joking aside (unless you want to use that speech!) I wanted to come back to this. We've not met but, for what it's worth, I like you. To be an active member on a football fans forum and be so honest, and vulnerable, and interactive with (albeit fairly anonymous) strangers - that's the sort of qualities I think mark out a good bloke. From the number of responses your posts are getting, I'm not the only to think like this. You've got a good group of mates on here. We've got your back. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vive_La_Villa Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 @kurtsimonw I know easier said then done but by the sounds of it you should not be this guys best man. In fact you may even be better off without him in your life. But as people have said tell him you can’t be his best man and just explain your are not comfortable with it. He’s reaction will tell you how much of a friend he really is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 I've turned down being best man before in similar circumstances. It was a guy from work that I got on with but only socialised with maybe once or twice a month, I wouldn't say he was quite as big a dickhead as the guy kurt talks about but the idea of organising the stag do with people I've never really met just seemed like a recipe for disaster. He has 9 brothers, some of whom are absolutely terrifying, verging on feral and if I got the speech wrong God knows what might have happened. He got over it and chose someone else, and he split with his missus before the wedding anyway. I forgot to say she was an absolute bell end as well. My problem now is that he got some other bird knocked up and wants me to be godfather ffs. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peterms Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 5 hours ago, kurtsimonw said: It is stressful. That's another reason I'm surprised he asked. I've got really bad anxiety, so a speech is an impossibility, which he ans his other half know. I don't know anyone outside of him and the odd occasion I've seen his missus, which has made the stag do organising a bit awkward. I'd love to not be able to give a shit what others though, unfortunately when you feel like nobody likes you, you can't help but cling on to any positivity and hope people like you! You don't want to do it, you don't think you'll be good at it, and you give credible reasons to suggest you won't be good at it. So don't do it. It's not good for you or him. But pull out now, to give him time to arrange something else. If you leave it until the last minute, you will make him and others (reasonably) think you have acted irresponsibly. That would create another source of stress, perhaps. I disagree with the suggestions about telling him the detailed reasons why you don't want to do it. I don't see you gaining anything from that. It's a pointless confrontation. If you want to tell him how his attitude makes you feel, tell him, but don't frame it in the drama of his wedding arrangements. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KentVillan Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 2 hours ago, peterms said: You don't want to do it, you don't think you'll be good at it, and you give credible reasons to suggest you won't be good at it. So don't do it. It's not good for you or him. But pull out now, to give him time to arrange something else. If you leave it until the last minute, you will make him and others (reasonably) think you have acted irresponsibly. That would create another source of stress, perhaps. I disagree with the suggestions about telling him the detailed reasons why you don't want to do it. I don't see you gaining anything from that. It's a pointless confrontation. If you want to tell him how his attitude makes you feel, tell him, but don't frame it in the drama of his wedding arrangements. I think this is bang on. The bloke sounds a bit toxic, but you won't feel good about humiliating him. Duck out of this, giving him time to find an alternative arrangement, and resist the urge to teach him a lesson. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I do feel like it is pretty "last minute" at this stage. The fittings have been done, stag has been arranged. I do feel it's past the point of no return. It's frustrating as hell, I just have to get through this next few months and put it behind me and then I won't feel tied to him in any way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HanoiVillan Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 12 hours ago, sharkyvilla said: I've turned down being best man before in similar circumstances. It was a guy from work that I got on with but only socialised with maybe once or twice a month, I wouldn't say he was quite as big a dickhead as the guy kurt talks about but the idea of organising the stag do with people I've never really met just seemed like a recipe for disaster. He has 9 brothers, some of whom are absolutely terrifying, verging on feral and if I got the speech wrong God knows what might have happened. He got over it and chose someone else, and he split with his missus before the wedding anyway. I forgot to say she was an absolute bell end as well. My problem now is that he got some other bird knocked up and wants me to be godfather ffs. Do you work as a bouncer with the Noonan brothers or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 12 hours ago, NurembergVillan said: Joking aside (unless you want to use that speech!) I wanted to come back to this. We've not met but, for what it's worth, I like you. To be an active member on a football fans forum and be so honest, and vulnerable, and interactive with (albeit fairly anonymous) strangers - that's the sort of qualities I think mark out a good bloke. From the number of responses your posts are getting, I'm not the only to think like this. You've got a good group of mates on here. We've got your back. Watch him though, call Eli Manning a cabbage and he'll hunt you down! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 27 minutes ago, HanoiVillan said: Do you work as a bouncer with the Noonan brothers or something? Had to mooney them but yes, a similar kind of gene pool. My mate is the most sane of the lot but even he is mad as a cut snake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StefanAVFC Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Blokes are shit. I barely see my best mates anymore but it isn't because they don't like me, it's because they don't really see anyone. This guy sounds like a dick, but you're a sound guy Kurt. Don't let him treat you like shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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