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What is your experience of mental health?


AstonMartyn88

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I guess the sensible option would be to not be his best man. But I do worry that'll just make things worse. He's confident and well liked around the office, and they will only see it from the outside as me letting him down a few months before his wedding. I am concerned it would just make my position in the office literally impossible to deal with. I'm just hoping I can get that out of the way with.

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Agree with the other comments on here. He (and others in ur office) sound like fair weather friends at best and as @lapal_fan said, if he's such a great bloke then why are you choice as best man, purely on how short a time you've known him or the sort of mate he's been to you.

Easy enough for us to tell you to sack him off i know but....and please don't take this the wrong way.....it seems like you're grateful for any kind of friendship cos you've been hurt in the recent past.

How can I say this ? Cos I've been like that. Grateful for superficial attention and friendship that only goes their way.....me always apologising for everything and putting myself out of my way to accommodate others, only for those "mates" then come to expect it as the norm. 

One day i woke up and said "fck it, no more Mr Nice Guy !" and put myself first more. It takes time but you won't be beating yourself up as much.

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I've got to agree with everyone else @kurtsimonw, even @lapal_fan listens to me when I need to get something off my chest, innit Laps?

I think some of the things can be forgiven, like forgetting to send you the money for the dominos etc, we've all done things like that, but it sounds like he's got a track record of nobbish behaviour.

Sack him off mate, you don't need it.

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3 minutes ago, Paddywhack said:

I've got to agree with everyone else @kurtsimonw, even @lapal_fan listens to me when I need to get something off my chest, innit Laps?

I think some of the things can be forgiven, like forgetting to send you the money for the dominos etc, we've all done things like that, but it sounds like he's got a track record of nobbish behaviour.

Sack him off mate, you don't need it.

tbh, no. 

 

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@kurtsimonw - at the end of the day, think of this.

If he acts like @lapal_fan (HAHA SELF @'ing is the best thing ever!), then you don't wanna be friends with him.

@lapal_fan is a made up person.  A larger than life, super awesome dude who everyone wants to be friends with, or at the very least, touch somehow. 

We can't all be @lapal_fan's though, so we have to do us.  Be yourself, don't hang on this words removed coat tails.  I mean, does his coat even have tails?  If so, WHY?? Is he some sort of 19th century gentleman or something?  Like Scrooge?  Is that who he is?  Scrooge?!  He threw a snowball at a muppet rabbit in the 1992 film "A Muppets Xmas Carol".  And frankly, if you're friends with him, then me and @lapal_fan don't want anything to do with YOU - ok? 

So leave us alone. 

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40 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

And you care what other people think... because? 

If anyone gossips or questions why you've done this, you have all the bullets loaded to let them know why, not that it has anything to do with them. 

What does it matter if he's confident and well liked?  Sounds like he's had smoke blown up his arse for a long time, the way he's treated you (and the other guy you met up with). 

**** him.  If he's so popular, he probably wouldn't have had to ask someone from work he's only known for 18 months to be his best man :lol: 

Because ultimately, it affects how I feel. Waking up every day feeling like nobody likes me isn't a good feeling, it's awful. It makes me feel sick and it makes it hard to go to work. Maybe I'm wrong to do so, but deep down I believe that your value is determined by others, I can't change that I feel that way. I can pretend that I can be happy on my own liking myself, but I'm not. If you have someone who people always show they like, want to spend time with them, invite them to places, treat them well - how can I not see that person as valuable? It goes further than that, I've read that women like men with friends, as it gives them value. People tend to agree more with well liked people. 

So not only do I feel shit. I feel I'll never get a relationship. Even if I did pull out of best man duties,  the fact he's more liked in the office I think people would just side with him, I also don't think I'd feel comfortable slagging someone off to work colleagues, to explain why I pulled out.

 

25 minutes ago, NurembergVillan said:

By pushing you to the point of not wanting to be his best man he's letting himself down, not the other way around.  And even then, not being his best man isn't a wedding letdown like cancelling the venue or the catering.  If he's that popular he'll have a ready-made replacement anyway.

If you think bailing on the duties is a bit too nuclear, at least tell him what you've told us and how it's made you feel - including that you're questioning taking on that role.  He then has 3 options - buck his ideas up; take the role from you; carry on the same and you'll quit the role.

Either of the latter two mark him out as someone who doesn't deserve you as a best man anyway.  That his behaviour affects says what a good guy you are, empathetic and understanding, and what a helmet he's being.

You do you.

I struggle with confrontation like that. It took a lot out of me messaging him about the money for Dominos, even then I only managed to do it was because I was so annoyed. I really hope I can just ride it out and then distance myself from him in the new year, I would've done a lot sooner if the wedding wasn't coming up, but fittings, stag do, etc have just meant it's been hard to cut that tie.

 

23 minutes ago, mottaloo said:

Agree with the other comments on here. He (and others in ur office) sound like fair weather friends at best and as @lapal_fan said, if he's such a great bloke then why are you choice as best man, purely on how short a time you've known him or the sort of mate he's been to you.

Easy enough for us to tell you to sack him off i know but....and please don't take this the wrong way.....it seems like you're grateful for any kind of friendship cos you've been hurt in the recent past.

How can I say this ? Cos I've been like that. Grateful for superficial attention and friendship that only goes their way.....me always apologising for everything and putting myself out of my way to accommodate others, only for those "mates" then come to expect it as the norm. 

One day i woke up and said "fck it, no more Mr Nice Guy !" and put myself first more. It takes time but you won't be beating yourself up as much.

No, you're right. I do feel grateful for things like that, but I often seem to misinterpret it as people liking me or actual friendship. 

Hardly anyone showing up for my BBQ, the lack of birthday wishes.. I didn't show up for work for nearly a week and not one person asked how I was doing or wondered how I was. I felt shit not going in, but when 5 days pass and you realise you've had no contact from anyone at all, you wonder whether you should even bother continuing to exist.

I 100% know I don't have it in me to pull out. I just need to get on with the next 3 months and go from there.

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2 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

 

I 100% know I don't have it in me to pull out. I just need to get on with the next 3 months and go from there.

That's fine. I understand what you are saying and no one on VT worth their salt would criticise you if you carry on and do your best man duties. I wish you all the best. You'll have a bit of limelight on the day itself as everyone will see the best man as the dude who keeps it light and funny and you never know where that will lead to. I'm sure you have done your research for gags, tips on a good speech and it might just open the eyes of others there who would see you in a different light.

In short, you have a good opportunity to turn all this to your advantage. 

 

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This "mate" is walking all over you, he's a user. He gets all the attention and the support when he needs it, and he shows what looks like zero reciprocity. I'm sorry that telling him to do one seems harder than putting up with his crap, but don't delude yourself - he isn't actually a friend, you are getting nothing really out of this "friendship".  Best of luck moving on when you can, and don't be sucked into anything else.

 

 

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14 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

I also don't think I'd feel comfortable slagging someone off to work colleagues, to explain why I pulled out.

Why don't you decide to still be his best man but because it's for your benefit, rather than his? Make the day about you rather than him.

 

(And I don't mean shag the bride).

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6 hours ago, A'Villan said:

I'm not sure I am in total agreement with some of what you've said here though, possibly because I have misconstrued your message, or maybe I lack the understanding.

The idea that it is somehow destructive and foreign to communicate what is going on for you is part of the reason 84 men commit suicide in the UK every week.

It's taboo for men to open up. Sure, some men are quite stoic in personality and character, and that's a great thing, but only as long as it serves them and others to be so.

All men have feelings. They differ from person-to-person and are unique to the individual, but everyone has them. What is destructive is divorce from acknowledging them.

You're right, and I don't think I phrased it well. (Also in case you thought I was criticising your post - I wasn't directly replying to you, was more a general thought on this thread.)

What I mean is that for a certain type of person (usually male) the popular shift in Western culture towards public displays of feeling can be just another pressure that you don't need. Some people need to do this in private (or anonymously, like on VT), and they need to do it in a way that doesn't feel intrusive and doesn't dwell on that emotional / spiritual block that others might perceive them to have.

I obviously think counselling and the right therapist / psychiatrist can be a life saver for all types of people, including "stoic" characters - didn't mean to imply that talking therapies are a bad thing.

But I think sometimes in the media and (especially) on social media, there is this tendency to blame everything on "toxic masculinity" and "peer pressure" and "social taboos", which actually delegitimises individuals who are really like that. Some of us really do like the buzz of running out on to a football pitch and flying into a fifty fifty and all the camaraderie and so on. Men who genuinely enjoy and thrive in macho environments, and / or who are very analytical personalities... they don't need to be told all the time to hug it out or cry or whatever. They often crave practical advice about how to improve their mental health.

The best advice I ever got from a therapist was to walk at least an hour a day (get off the train a stop earlier, or walk to a client meeting, or do a loop of the park at lunchtime). That simple act did more for me than any amount of psychoanalysis. It became my meditation, and unlike sport, it was something I could do every day, whatever my routine.

So all I meant was that if we focus too much on the "touchy feely" side of things, we may miss out on a lot of the more practical (or indeed medical / chemical) approaches that can also save lives, and may be more accessible to some people.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a mate who is struggling is just take a half day off work and go for a long walk together and talk about trivial nonsense. Football, TV, etc. I think too many people are led to believe that these conversations should be deeper and more intense. Just let your friend know through your actions that you're there, and that you value him, that's all. Give him some headspace. It really helps.

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