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AstonMartyn88

What is your experience of mental health?

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I appreciate it, but, sadly, I'm not an owl.

I'm a cynical bastard with a severe anxiety problem and associated bowels that drive me to despair. I'm talking about it, less as a show of strength or resilience, and more because I don't get the chance to speak about it otherwise and basically, I'm frustrated as **** and no longer care to hide it. And now I get to add increasing levels of worry about exactly what I'm going to do within the next few weeks to prevent my already car crash life having the wreck explode.

But, I appreciate the thoughts and optimism.

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53 minutes ago, Chindie said:

I appreciate it, but, sadly, I'm not an owl.

I'm a cynical bastard with a severe anxiety problem and associated bowels that drive me to despair. I'm talking about it, less as a show of strength or resilience, and more because I don't get the chance to speak about it otherwise and basically, I'm frustrated as **** and no longer care to hide it. And now I get to add increasing levels of worry about exactly what I'm going to do within the next few weeks to prevent my already car crash life having the wreck explode.

But, I appreciate the thoughts and optimism.

You're welcome. I wouldn't have a clue, I'm not living your experience, you are. But I do know tough times. Really, really tough times.

I think it's fair to say that death would have been kinder for me for a few years there. Things got better, now things are actually pretty great.

I still have problems, but I don't live there. But that's me and my story. I don't want to shove it down your throat, I probably do it in every other post I make already!

I still think, and go back to, my statement earlier, where I say that you can be these things even when you don't know it.

Not knowing you, I can't say for certain, but it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.

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21 hours ago, Chindie said:

I appreciate it, but, sadly, I'm not an owl.

I'm a cynical bastard with a severe anxiety problem and associated bowels that drive me to despair. I'm talking about it, less as a show of strength or resilience, and more because I don't get the chance to speak about it otherwise and basically, I'm frustrated as **** and no longer care to hide it. And now I get to add increasing levels of worry about exactly what I'm going to do within the next few weeks to prevent my already car crash life having the wreck explode.

But, I appreciate the thoughts and optimism.

Can you leave the house with your girlfriend? Or a friend? Or is it just leaving the house in general? 

What do you think the root cause of the anxiety is?  When did it start?  How does it manifest itself?  Are there things that make it worse, or better? 

You say you've tried everything from a seeking professionals help, which is way more guidance then you'll get here, but have you thought about what might make you feel better?

Have you ever thrown a javelin at someone?  Kicked a child?  Hidden someone's remote control and ask them to turn the TV over?  Feed someone chicken you know is raw in the middle, but say it's pink because it's just "near the bone"?

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3 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

Can you leave the house with your girlfriend? Or a friend? Or is it just leaving the house in general? 

What do you think the root cause of the anxiety is?  When did it start?  How does it manifest itself?  Are there things that make it worse, or better? 

You say you've tried everything from a seeking professionals help, which is way more guidance then you'll get here, but have you thought about what might make you feel better?

Have you ever thrown a javelin at someone?  Kicked a child?  Hidden someone's remote control and ask them to turn the TV over?  Feed someone chicken you know is raw in the middle, but say it's pink because it's just "near the bone"?

Leaving the house in general. I've got out with my girlfriend rarely recently, the last time being a cinema trip nearly 2 months ago. But whatever it is causes issues. Even the shortest trip - my doctors is over the road from me (literally - I could chuck a stone at it and nearly hit it), I got my car MOT'd at a place a 2 minute walk away in the summer... I thankfully managed to get a haircut last week, at a place a 5 minute walk away. I drove.

I know exactly when it started. When I was younger it was a weekly ritual that I would go out with my nan on the bus on a Saturday. She'd do some bits of shopping and I'd maybe spend whatever money I had and we'd get something to eat. One week, everything was as usual, we tried a new place to eat before coming home, and I started to feel really dodgy. I rushed to a public loo, was in there for a while, then we got on the bus and I was a state, eventually getting off by a pub about a third of the way home, where I ended up being sat in the loo for ages with a severely upset stomach. I eventually managed to get out from the toilets and we got back on a bus and got home. And after that, I was like this, to one degree or another.

In the same period my dad was diagnosed with cancer and was in hospital, the dog died and then my nan died. I struggled badly with getting to school. I eventually got back to being able to cope and did well, but it was always in the back of my head and to one degree or another it was always affecting me. It never prevented me doing something I really wanted to do but at it's worst, what I wanted to do became very limited. Regardless, I went to university, did well there, got into work, and eventually was in a role where I was travelling to see clients around the country, travelling to and around London on work engagements, etc etc. Then about 2 years ago it started to get worse. I was getting up earlier and earlier - I started work at 9 but I was getting up at 5 to get ready to go, going back and forth to the loo and leaving the house at 7 to avoid traffic, and finishing work at 5 and going to the office loos for over an hour to prepare for the journey home. And even those journeys were fraught - I got to work once screaming at myself for the entire journey that if I didn't get to work I was going to slash my wrists when I got home. Another time I failed to get to work, aborting the journey at the point of no return and rushing back home as my stomach was playing up, and got in the house and just screamed in rage and frustration. I feel like that a lot. But I was still doing the job, I was just ill more than I'd like. This getting worse seemed to coincide with a couple of things. In quick succession I had a couple of journeys that were bad. Traffic was awful and I was caught in it with no choice but to sit there while my stomach was going mad twice in the space of maybe a month. At the same time I was going through sorting out a mortgage on the family home to sort out the inheritance with my siblings. And work was getting grim in little niggling ways - I had a couple of cases which I just couldn't resolve and they became a festering sore nagging away at me that I didn't seem able to get off my plate.

This carried on for a few months, until at Christmas 2017 I was needed to cover the office one day. I was told not to worry too much about getting in early, just come in late morning, hang around until mid afternoon and go. I got up at 5, and did the usual routine. I left the house, drove to work, got about 5 minutes away, and had to turn home. Half an hour later I left again, and had the same thing happen. An hour after that, I got a little further, but had to turn around again. That time I turned around again at part of the way home, and then turned around again to go home. An hour later... and so on. I eventually made it to the office at about 12pm, with that last trip having seen me turn back on myself at various points about 5 times, and with me literally talking to myself through the journey that I had to get to work. And after that the wheels fell off. I worked from home for 3 months or so, ended up in hospital with blood clots in my lungs, got signed off, and never went back to work, despite my saying I wanted to at least work from home. Then understandably I left the job. And now I'm here, totting up stuff I can flog to make sure I can pay the bills this month, and theres not that much left.

It manifests as, variously, an unsettled stomach, pain, and an urgent need for the loo. The latter being the worst. I can feel fine, and then suddenly be in urgent need of a loo - I once left the office to go buy some nurofen, a walk of 2 minutes. Just after leaving the office my stomach started playing up, I was determined to power through it, I got to the shop, and in the shop was so unwell I damn near sprinted out of there back to the office. That in turn causes anxiety, which makes it worse, probably. Some things seem to make it worse - certain foods I will avoid if I know I'll be travelling in the next day or so. Sometimes things can seem to literally go through me - I've bought a sandwich before now where I was clamped to the loo within a couple hours of eating it (I don't have coeliac disease. That would actually be a good thing at this point). Nothing seems to make it much better, I literally seem to just flip a coin and see how bad I'm going to be today.

I'd feel better if I could just get back to living what approaches a normal life.

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13 minutes ago, Chindie said:

Leaving the house in general. I've got out with my girlfriend rarely recently, the last time being a cinema trip nearly 2 months ago. But whatever it is causes issues. Even the shortest trip - my doctors is over the road from me (literally - I could chuck a stone at it and nearly hit it), I got my car MOT'd at a place a 2 minute walk away in the summer... I thankfully managed to get a haircut last week, at a place a 5 minute walk away. I drove.

I know exactly when it started. When I was younger it was a weekly ritual that I would go out with my nan on the bus on a Saturday. She'd do some bits of shopping and I'd maybe spend whatever money I had and we'd get something to eat. One week, everything was as usual, we tried a new place to eat before coming home, and I started to feel really dodgy. I rushed to a public loo, was in there for a while, then we got on the bus and I was a state, eventually getting off by a pub about a third of the way home, where I ended up being sat in the loo for ages with a severely upset stomach. I eventually managed to get out from the toilets and we got back on a bus and got home. And after that, I was like this, to one degree or another.

In the same period my dad was diagnosed with cancer and was in hospital, the dog died and then my nan died. I struggled badly with getting to school. I eventually got back to being able to cope and did well, but it was always in the back of my head and to one degree or another it was always affecting me. It never prevented me doing something I really wanted to do but at it's worst, what I wanted to do became very limited. Regardless, I went to university, did well there, got into work, and eventually was in a role where I was travelling to see clients around the country, travelling to and around London on work engagements, etc etc. Then about 2 years ago it started to get worse. I was getting up earlier and earlier - I started work at 9 but I was getting up at 5 to get ready to go, going back and forth to the loo and leaving the house at 7 to avoid traffic, and finishing work at 5 and going to the office loos for over an hour to prepare for the journey home. And even those journeys were fraught - I got to work once screaming at myself for the entire journey that if I didn't get to work I was going to slash my wrists when I got home. Another time I failed to get to work, aborting the journey at the point of no return and rushing back home as my stomach was playing up, and got in the house and just screamed in rage and frustration. I feel like that a lot. But I was still doing the job, I was just ill more than I'd like. This getting worse seemed to coincide with a couple of things. In quick succession I had a couple of journeys that were bad. Traffic was awful and I was caught in it with no choice but to sit there while my stomach was going mad twice in the space of maybe a month. At the same time I was going through sorting out a mortgage on the family home to sort out the inheritance with my siblings. And work was getting grim in little niggling ways - I had a couple of cases which I just couldn't resolve and they became a festering sore nagging away at me that I didn't seem able to get off my plate.

This carried on for a few months, until at Christmas 2017 I was needed to cover the office one day. I was told not to worry too much about getting in early, just come in late morning, hang around until mid afternoon and go. I got up at 5, and did the usual routine. I left the house, drove to work, got about 5 minutes away, and had to turn home. Half an hour later I left again, and had the same thing happen. An hour after that, I got a little further, but had to turn around again. That time I turned around again at part of the way home, and then turned around again to go home. An hour later... and so on. I eventually made it to the office at about 12pm, with that last trip having seen me turn back on myself at various points about 5 times, and with me literally talking to myself through the journey that I had to get to work. And after that the wheels fell off. I worked from home for 3 months or so, ended up in hospital with blood clots in my lungs, got signed off, and never went back to work, despite my saying I wanted to at least work from home. Then understandably I left the job. And now I'm here, totting up stuff I can flog to make sure I can pay the bills this month, and theres not that much left.

It manifests as, variously, an unsettled stomach, pain, and an urgent need for the loo. The latter being the worst. I can feel fine, and then suddenly be in urgent need of a loo - I once left the office to go buy some nurofen, a walk of 2 minutes. Just after leaving the office my stomach started playing up, I was determined to power through it, I got to the shop, and in the shop was so unwell I damn near sprinted out of there back to the office. That in turn causes anxiety, which makes it worse, probably. Some things seem to make it worse - certain foods I will avoid if I know I'll be travelling in the next day or so. Sometimes things can seem to literally go through me - I've bought a sandwich before now where I was clamped to the loo within a couple hours of eating it (I don't have coeliac disease. That would actually be a good thing at this point). Nothing seems to make it much better, I literally seem to just flip a coin and see how bad I'm going to be today.

I'd feel better if I could just get back to living what approaches a normal life.

Thanks.  Interesting you can pin point the time and place where it happened.  Do you think there is an actual issue with your stomach, or would you attribute it to your anxiety?  From the few short paragraphs, it seems like you can actually talk yourself into and out of being ill if the need really arises, such as getting to work after turning around 5 times - you managed to find a way to do it.  But by the same token, you do mention that sometimes you really do have no control over your bowels. 

I think you're a similar age to me (32), and I can't comprehend losing a parent (or two), as well as other family members in such a short space of time.  You have siblings, do they have any problems?  Do they offer help? 

How does your girlfriend cope?  Sounds quite selfish I guess, but does she help you?  Does your situation affect her?  

What's the closest thing to a coping strategy or medication would you say has actually helped?  

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21 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

Thanks.  Interesting you can pin point the time and place where it happened.  Do you think there is an actual issue with your stomach, or would you attribute it to your anxiety?  From the few short paragraphs, it seems like you can actually talk yourself into and out of being ill if the need really arises, such as getting to work after turning around 5 times - you managed to find a way to do it.  But by the same token, you do mention that sometimes you really do have no control over your bowels. 

I think you're a similar age to me (32), and I can't comprehend losing a parent (or two), as well as other family members in such a short space of time.  You have siblings, do they have any problems?  Do they offer help? 

How does your girlfriend cope?  Sounds quite selfish I guess, but does she help you?  Does your situation affect her?  

What's the closest thing to a coping strategy or medication would you say has actually helped?  

I've had various tests for bowel issues and all come back as normal. I can therefore only assume I'm nuts.

I can't talk myself 'out' of being ill. At times I've been able to force myself through it. Pretty much every trip I was doing this - even when I was getting to work every day (albeit stupidly early) I was pretty much working on a checkpoint system - get to here, get to there - to get to work, with the ridiculous thoughts of 'if you stomach plays up here, theres that, or this'. Down to alleyways, slightly hidden nooks, etc, honestly. Never needed them, but it went thought my mind on every trip. And then there would be the bad days where I was, as said, berating myself viciously to get to work.

I'm 30. I lost my parents when I was 26. My nan died when I was still in school, when my dad was first ill. This has all been going on for 20 years at this point. My siblings are fine. They don't really offer help in any way. They have their own lives, and I don't ask (nor would I know what they'd be able to do to help tbh).

My girlfriend just plugs away. We don't live together yet, the plan is once I get back on my feet she would move in at last, but thats a way off it seems. She helps as she can but again it's hard to say what she can do. She's paid for things more more recently when we are doing things (it's a ritual that we have a weekend takeaway and recently she's paid for that). It certainly affects her, although she doesn't really show it. It would have to - we don't really do much.

Nothing has helped, really. I'm on medication, I've done limited diets, I've done mindfulness, I've done hypnotherapy... they all don't make much of a dent.

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4 minutes ago, Chindie said:

I've had various tests for bowel issues and all come back as normal. I can therefore only assume I'm nuts.

I can't talk myself 'out' of being ill. At times I've been able to force myself through it. Pretty much every trip I was doing this - even when I was getting to work every day (albeit stupidly early) I was pretty much working on a checkpoint system - get to here, get to there - to get to work, with the ridiculous thoughts of 'if you stomach plays up here, theres that, or this'. Down to alleyways, slightly hidden nooks, etc, honestly. Never needed them, but it went thought my mind on every trip. And then there would be the bad days where I was, as said, berating myself viciously to get to work.

I'm 30. I lost my parents when I was 26. My nan died when I was still in school, when my dad was first ill. This has all been going on for 20 years at this point. My siblings are fine. They don't really offer help in any way. They have their own lives, and I don't ask (nor would I know what they'd be able to do to help tbh).

My girlfriend just plugs away. We don't live together yet, the plan is once I get back on my feet she would move in at last, but thats a way off it seems. She helps as she can but again it's hard to say what she can do. She's paid for things more more recently when we are doing things (it's a ritual that we have a weekend takeaway and recently she's paid for that). It certainly affects her, although she doesn't really show it. It would have to - we don't really do much.

Nothing has helped, really. I'm on medication, I've done limited diets, I've done mindfulness, I've done hypnotherapy... they all don't make much of a dent.

We're all nuts, we just face different problems - some severe, some less so. 

You say you can't talk yourself out of being ill, yet you have a checkpoint system you've never had to use because presumably, your stomach doesn't play up.  

To put it bluntly, have you ever actually "had an accident?" - have you always managed to get to a bathroom?  We're lucky I guess that we live in a country where toilets are no more than 200 yards away, and if they are, there will be places you can do your business. 

If it's having an upset stomach which is the issue (more significant, but that's what I'll call it) - what contingency do you have for it? Is it too much to have loo roll/wet wipes/ a change of clothes in the car? A backpack? a satchel? - why would that be a problem?  Or is the problem just "being out of the house"? 

When you're at home, do you use the bathroom anymore than anyone else?  Do certain food make it worse or better?  

What data do you have for it?  My dad suffers with colitis, which gets vastly worse for him when he's stressed.  He's a construction site manager/project manager, so he anticipates towards the end of a job, that he'll be worse and makes contingency plans for it. 

Alcohol and spicy food can also make him worse - so he cuts it out in times of need.  That said (and touch wood), he's been largely unaffected by it this year and he's just handed over a job (finished a project), so he's feeling good. 

I'm not saying that to suggest you change your diet, but you must know or feel what could make it worse, or better? 

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30 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

We're all nuts, we just face different problems - some severe, some less so. 

You say you can't talk yourself out of being ill, yet you have a checkpoint system you've never had to use because presumably, your stomach doesn't play up.  

To put it bluntly, have you ever actually "had an accident?" - have you always managed to get to a bathroom?  We're lucky I guess that we live in a country where toilets are no more than 200 yards away, and if they are, there will be places you can do your business. 

If it's having an upset stomach which is the issue (more significant, but that's what I'll call it) - what contingency do you have for it? Is it too much to have loo roll/wet wipes/ a change of clothes in the car? A backpack? a satchel? - why would that be a problem?  Or is the problem just "being out of the house"? 

When you're at home, do you use the bathroom anymore than anyone else?  Do certain food make it worse or better?  

What data do you have for it?  My dad suffers with colitis, which gets vastly worse for him when he's stressed.  He's a construction site manager/project manager, so he anticipates towards the end of a job, that he'll be worse and makes contingency plans for it. 

Alcohol and spicy food can also make him worse - so he cuts it out in times of need.  That said (and touch wood), he's been largely unaffected by it this year and he's just handed over a job (finished a project), so he's feeling good. 

I'm not saying that to suggest you change your diet, but you must know or feel what could make it worse, or better? 

The checkpoint system was basically just a way of getting through the journey. All the while I'll be on edge and my stomach will be a mess - just usually not as bad as it can be.

I have had close calls, which I remember all too vividly, but thankfully nothing more.

I have contingency through the roof. I carry around various supplies, from stuff like immodium to just having tissue on me, and the car usually had something to change into if I needed it. Funnily enough the CBT aimed to get rid of this.

At home I'm better but still have moments - I've been woken with a burning stabbing pain being dragged through my guts and that has lead to needing the loo urgently and painfully.

As said, I avoid certain foods, particularly if I'm due to be travelling at all, and have a fairly limited diet. I know that certain things appear to make it worse, and I try to avoid them.

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52 minutes ago, Chindie said:

Nothing has helped, really. I'm on medication, I've done limited diets, I've done mindfulness, I've done hypnotherapy... they all don't make much of a dent.

Have you tried CBT? It could be worth exploring if you haven't. It doesn't appear that the doctors are helping you much at all.

Edited by Dr_Pangloss

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6 minutes ago, Dr_Pangloss said:

Have you tried CBT? It could be worth exploring if you haven't. It doesn't appear that the doctors are helping you much at all.

Did CBT. Didn't help. I 'got' it, I could see what it was trying to do, but it didn't get in, so to speak. It was basically immersion therapy with associated techniques to handle anxiety, mindfulness, breathing exercises, etc.

The doctors have basically said I have IBS, deal with it. When I mentioned that this was severely affecting my mental wellbeing (in a suicidal ideation kinda way) they switched to trying to deal with that, while I was saying if I get the stomach sorted, or whatever is causing that, the rest will go away.

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2 minutes ago, Chindie said:

The checkpoint system was basically just a way of getting through the journey. All the while I'll be on edge and my stomach will be a mess - just usually not as bad as it can be.

I have had close calls, which I remember all too vividly, but thankfully nothing more.

I have contingency through the roof. I carry around various supplies, from stuff like immodium to just having tissue on me, and the car usually had something to change into if I needed it. Funnily enough the CBT aimed to get rid of this.

At home I'm better but still have moments - I've been woken with a burning stabbing pain being dragged through my guts and that has lead to needing the loo urgently and painfully.

As said, I avoid certain foods, particularly if I'm due to be travelling at all, and have a fairly limited diet. I know that certain things appear to make it worse, and I try to avoid them.

It's good you haven't actually had any accidents, it shows that even though you're having these pains and whatnot, they aren't actually affecting your system in a way that empties your bowels. 

The stabbing and stomach pains seem to be the problem, but yet you've said you have had numerous tests and none of them have come back with a result.. how strange, and frustrating for you. 

I think the contingency is a good thing, although I understand the CBT wanting you to rely less on them, especially because you haven't had any accidents. 

If I were you, I'd be more defiant.  I'd be like "**** you stomach, if you're gonna make me shit my pants - do your worst". I'd go out, without any contingency and do what I wanna do, and if I shit my pants, just go back to the car, change and go home.  No one would know.  But that's me and I have no shame.  Could you wear adult nappies?  I'd do it.  Who gives a **** what anyone else thinks? 

Do you think the stabbing pain comes from a mental issue (your anxiety), or is it a palpable, feeling, like you want to empty your bowels? 

 

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8 minutes ago, Chindie said:

Did CBT. Didn't help. I 'got' it, I could see what it was trying to do, but it didn't get in, so to speak. It was basically immersion therapy with associated techniques to handle anxiety, mindfulness, breathing exercises, etc.

The doctors have basically said I have IBS, deal with it. When I mentioned that this was severely affecting my mental wellbeing (in a suicidal ideation kinda way) they switched to trying to deal with that, while I was saying if I get the stomach sorted, or whatever is causing that, the rest will go away.

Go find another Dr? 

Explain, and if they are rushing you, or responding incorrectly, write all this down, visit them, drop the note on the desk and say "that's my problem - can you help?". 

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2 hours ago, Chindie said:

Did CBT. Didn't help. I 'got' it, I could see what it was trying to do, but it didn't get in, so to speak. It was basically immersion therapy with associated techniques to handle anxiety, mindfulness, breathing exercises, etc.

The doctors have basically said I have IBS, deal with it. When I mentioned that this was severely affecting my mental wellbeing (in a suicidal ideation kinda way) they switched to trying to deal with that, while I was saying if I get the stomach sorted, or whatever is causing that, the rest will go away.

Sorry if this has been asked before but have you had detailed blood tests done (especially of late) to check hormones and any potential deficiencies? Would also say the same about stool samples?

Your dr(s) appears to be fairly useless and not really taking things seriously enough and especially not seeing the bigger picture. I would implore you to change your doctor given how ruinous everything you're going through is.

Edited by Dr_Pangloss
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4 hours ago, lapal_fan said:

It's good you haven't actually had any accidents, it shows that even though you're having these pains and whatnot, they aren't actually affecting your system in a way that empties your bowels. 

The stabbing and stomach pains seem to be the problem, but yet you've said you have had numerous tests and none of them have come back with a result.. how strange, and frustrating for you. 

I think the contingency is a good thing, although I understand the CBT wanting you to rely less on them, especially because you haven't had any accidents. 

If I were you, I'd be more defiant.  I'd be like "**** you stomach, if you're gonna make me shit my pants - do your worst". I'd go out, without any contingency and do what I wanna do, and if I shit my pants, just go back to the car, change and go home.  No one would know.  But that's me and I have no shame.  Could you wear adult nappies?  I'd do it.  Who gives a **** what anyone else thinks? 

Do you think the stabbing pain comes from a mental issue (your anxiety), or is it a palpable, feeling, like you want to empty your bowels? 

 

As said, it's been touch and go more than a few times. I've had to sprint for a loo more times than I'd care to mention, and been lucky I did.

It is a palpable feeling. The anxiety comes from it, and exacerbates it.

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1 hour ago, Dr_Pangloss said:

Sorry if this has been asked before but have you had detailed blood tests done (especially of late) to check hormones and any potential deficiencies? Would also say the same about stool samples?

Your dr(s) appears to be fairly useless and not really taking things seriously enough and especially not seeing the bigger picture. I would implore you to change your doctor given how ruinous everything you're going through is.

I've had bloods done, nothing came back other than I was low in B12 and my cholesterol was high. I gave about 12 vials of blood back in January that they seem to have lost somehow, although that was prompted by the blood clots.

The last time I saw the doctor they recommended I try to get in to see Birmingham Healthy Minds Psychiatrists, as I had exhausted the avenues the GP could take.

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2 hours ago, Chindie said:

I've had bloods done, nothing came back other than I was low in B12 and my cholesterol was high. I gave about 12 vials of blood back in January that they seem to have lost somehow, although that was prompted by the blood clots.

The last time I saw the doctor they recommended I try to get in to see Birmingham Healthy Minds Psychiatrists, as I had exhausted the avenues the GP could take.

And did you?

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Beyond fed up. Never felt this low. 

Went to get the train today. Cancelled. Just thought **** it and went home. Really can't be arsed with anything at this point. I feel like such a pointless being and sometimes wish I'd just have the courage to end it. 

I had a BBQ at the start of the month. Massive mistake. Of 25 people invited, 6 showed up. 3 of those for about an hour. People said it happens, it's hard to get people together. 2 weeks later my brother has 20 people over for a BBQ. I had 5 people wish me a happy birthday. 

It's amazing how you can be 32 years old and have so few people give a shit about your existence. 

Never felt so alone. Everyone around me is in relationships, spending weekends with friends, getting married, having kids. I have a house, great, for what? Just an empty space to live in. Not going to work means I'll eventually lose it anyway. 

Doctors aren't of any use. Medication and therapy doesn't work. 

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Regarding the BBQ does it really matter. Some people are just social creatures and some ain’t. If I had a BBQ the only one out of my side of the family that would come is my mum, and she wouldn’t really want to. Friends? Well I haven’t really got any of them anymore. I couldn’t think of 6 people to invite without scrapping the barrel, let alone 6 friends turn up. I’ve never been one for socialising like that , and I’m comfortable with it. My best mate we haven’t spoke in months and it’s been even longer since we saw each other. My other good mate I always get the impression that he likes to see me failing in life. But I honestly couldn’t give a shit. I’ve got plenty of people I talk to when I’m out, but I’m a loner and I love it. Don’t feel the need to be a part of something and I’ve always been like that even when I had a good network of friends. I’d prefer not to have the company of most people, so I suppose it’s easy for me. Regarding relationships well I’ve been where you’ve been before where all my good mates were settling down and I was the one living the single life. It suited me for a bit, but I will admit I did get fed up. Luckily I met someone who I cared for. 

I suppose this is a bit of a pointless post, and me and you are probably different in nature, but life has a funny way of throwing up surprises. I’m somewhere where I thought I’d never be. It can happen. 

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1 hour ago, kurtsimonw said:

Beyond fed up. Never felt this low. 

Went to get the train today. Cancelled. Just thought **** it and went home. Really can't be arsed with anything at this point. I feel like such a pointless being and sometimes wish I'd just have the courage to end it. 

I had a BBQ at the start of the month. Massive mistake. Of 25 people invited, 6 showed up. 3 of those for about an hour. People said it happens, it's hard to get people together. 2 weeks later my brother has 20 people over for a BBQ. I had 5 people wish me a happy birthday. 

It's amazing how you can be 32 years old and have so few people give a shit about your existence. 

Never felt so alone. Everyone around me is in relationships, spending weekends with friends, getting married, having kids. I have a house, great, for what? Just an empty space to live in. Not going to work means I'll eventually lose it anyway. 

Doctors aren't of any use. Medication and therapy doesn't work. 

Loneliness is horrible so I understand where you are coming from although its not something I suffer from personally.

I will say that if I had a bbq I would at most be inviting 6-7 peoples and probably would get a couple not coming. My core group of friends is only 5-6 people but that's fine for me. I wouldn't even have 25 people to ask.

I do still think you place too much emphasis on being in a relationship but I understand what you are saying with regards to frustration at other people who are and then don't make time for you, this does happen unfortunately and they aren't great friends if they can't make time outside of their relationships but its pretty common in reality. You seem to review being single as being a failure on your part which it really isn't, having said that I do hope you find someone soon as you do sound very fed up with it all.

Edited by AVFCDAN

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If my wife and I held a barbecue, we would struggle to get a single guest. Loneliness is hard, and making new friends as an adult is one of the hardest things imaginable. I get that.

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