What is your experience of mental health?

[rjw63]

He's probably nice in real life, but @lapal_fan posts like, if you met him in a pub, you'd put a snooker cue across his head.

And everyone in the pub would cheer

 

[Ingram85]

2 hours ago, rjw63 said:

He's probably nice in real life, but @lapal_fan posts like, if you met him in a pub, you'd put a snooker cue across his head.

And everyone in the pub would cheer

 

I would. I dont know him personally but I know I'd end up offering him some dry roasted at the pub that I've handled after having a wee and not washing my hands. I've held a secret grudge ever since he said I sounded like I was mumbling in a half swedish and half brummie accent and said I suck at Rocket League. He will have forgotten it. But I didnt. **** twerp.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I used to try so so bloody hard to be good at RL . 

[Vive_La_Villa]

I haven’t had a drink for 3 weeks and the extreme negative depressing thoughts have all but gone. For the first time in months I feel a little content.

Alcohol really does make things so much worse. 

[lapal_fan]

8 hours ago, Ingram85 said:

I would. I dont know him personally but I know I'd end up offering him some dry roasted at the pub that I've handled after having a wee and not washing my hands. I've held a secret grudge ever since he said I sounded like I was mumbling in a half swedish and half brummie accent and said I suck at Rocket League. He will have forgotten it. But I didnt. **** twerp.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I used to try so so bloody hard to be good at RL . 

Haha!

I do remember, was gonna put it in my post but thought you wouldn't remember!

[Paddywhack]

8 hours ago, Ingram85 said:

he said I sounded like I was mumbling in a half swedish and half brummie accent and said I suck at Rocket League. He will have forgotten it. But I didnt. **** twerp.

Sounds more Belgian than Swedish.

[A'Villan]

On 01/10/2019 at 22:42, lapal_fan said:

The problem with being a dude in the 21st century.

We don't have to survive and provide much anymore, and people dying isn't socially accepted if they die before 70.  We can't call it collateral to the greater good. 

The world is becoming much more feminine, which is absolutely fine, but taking away that fight/survival instinct out of men can lead to some pretty sorry places.  Now we're expected to talk about things, and accept other view points and beliefs.  We just wanna smash a rock into someones head, problem solved. 

It's sometimes difficult to see the point when everything is on a plate, 5 minutes away.  The only survival we have to worry about is employment, and that's often not in our hands, but in the hands of accountants looking at numbers on a spreadsheet, hoping to drive efficiency in the hope of a bonus or promotion.  

So without the distraction of survival, we look into things more closely and feel the effects of sadness even more.  It's a deafening echo chamber. 

@villa89 - is the car your only problem?  Or is it other things too?  

Distract yourself and get back out to nature - you'll feel the benefit.

/ @A'Villan post  

Excerpt from Steve Biddulph's book Manhood which I think highlights the wisdom in @lapal_fan's post.

Quote

Let's start with a simple question to you, as a man.

Are you happy?

Or are you just pretending to be and hoping pretending will one day make it true?

Do not answer this too quickly.

Left alone, a seedling will grow into a tree and a tadpole turn into a frog.

But a human child does not turn into a functioning adult without lots of help.

To learn to be the gender you are, you probably need thousands of hours of interaction with older, more - mentally - equipped members of your own gender.

In our society, girls get this contact on a day-to-day basis, but boys rarely get it from men.

Women raise girls and boys - and most primary school teachers are female.

Most of the day, most of the time, men are usually not around.

The result of this lack of this lack of male contact is a problem we are all well aware of: that in today's world, little boys often grow into bigger little boys.

These emotional children in adult bodies then spend their lives pretending.

The loneliness of this and the confusion - not knowing how to be comfortable with one's feelings or how to be close to others - just makes the pretending more compulsive and more isolating.

The loneliness of men is something women rarely understand.

Step 7 Freeing your wild spirit

The god of men (A'Villan note - please do not let the word 'god' put you off just yet) does not dwell in the suburbs or the office towers.

Inner steadiness does not come from achievements or possessions.

You will need to find a spiritual basis for your inner life that is specifically masculine and based in nature, which connects you to the earth you live on.

As you grow older this will be your source of strength and harmony, freeing you from fear and dependency on others.

 

[KentVillan]

I have to say one of the most destructive things about recent narratives around mental health has been the way it revolves around the "emotional display" - talking to people, confessing your feelings to people, embracing your illness, etc.

The problem is that a lot of men are not big talkers or emotion sharers. And this is not because we are "ill" but because that is our personality.

So when "touchy-feely" people step in to help us, they just alienate us and make us feel emotionally stunted and socially inadequate.

The best book I have read on mental health is Jason Fox's Battle Scars: A Story of War and All That Follows. Not because I fancy myself as having the same mindset and traumatic experiences as a special forces soldier, but because he has a personality type that feels closer to who I am as a person.

There is never a one-size-fits-all approach to mental health. If you aren't clicking with a mental health treatment or strategy, don't be afraid to ask for a second or third opinion. The number one most important thing with mental health is to always believe that the improvement exists somewhere - you just maybe haven't found it yet. That belief (a correct belief) will carry you through anything.

[Sam-AVFC]

On 04/10/2019 at 08:26, Vive_La_Villa said:

I haven’t had a drink for 3 weeks and the extreme negative depressing thoughts have all but gone. For the first time in months I feel a little content.

Alcohol really does make things so much worse. 

That's great!

Do you mind me asking how much you'd been drinking? Feel free to tell me to f off as I appreciate it's a very personal question.

I only find myself on proper nights out a couple of times a month now (although drink way too much when I do), but I'm starting to get into the habit of having a few pints at lunch several times a week.

[Vive_La_Villa]

1 hour ago, Sam-AVFC said:

That's great!

Do you mind me asking how much you'd been drinking? Feel free to tell me to f off as I appreciate it's a very personal question.

I only find myself on proper nights out a couple of times a month now (although drink way too much when I do), but I'm starting to get into the habit of having a few pints at lunch several times a week.

To be honest mate it wasn’t just the amount it was the manner of drinking. It was purely for the buzz and not to be social. Id mainly drink alone. I’d get random quarter bottles of spirits and a few cans weekends and sometimes in to the week. Would always say it was last time I’d drink that way but never was.  Once I get taste I don’t want to stop. 

I suppose we all react to alcohol differently. A few pints at lunch time might be fine if you in control. If it was me I wouldn’t want to stop at 2.

keeping on topic in my case if definitely escalates my issues with mental health. 

[Chindie]

Interview this afternoon and I'm more concerned about the journey there, checking for road works, traffic... I wish I wasn't nuts.

[lapal_fan]

1 hour ago, Chindie said:

Interview this afternoon and I'm more concerned about the journey there, checking for road works, traffic... I wish I wasn't nuts.

You're not nuts. You're a good bloke.  Go smash it! We believe in you bro x

[NurembergVillan]

2 hours ago, Chindie said:

Interview this afternoon and I'm more concerned about the journey there, checking for road works, traffic... I wish I wasn't nuts.

People who are nuts never say "I wish I wasn't nuts" but they don't know they're nuts.

[Rugeley Villa]

4 hours ago, Vive_La_Villa said:

To be honest mate it wasn’t just the amount it was the manner of drinking. It was purely for the buzz and not to be social. Id mainly drink alone. I’d get random quarter bottles of spirits and a few cans weekends and sometimes in to the week. Would always say it was last time I’d drink that way but never was.  Once I get taste I don’t want to stop. 

I suppose we all react to alcohol differently. A few pints at lunch time might be fine if you in control. If it was me I wouldn’t want to stop at 2.

keeping on topic in my case if definitely escalates my issues with mental health. 

One’s too much and Ten is not enough . 

[kurtsimonw]

6 hours ago, Chindie said:

Interview this afternoon and I'm more concerned about the journey there, checking for road works, traffic... I wish I wasn't nuts.

How did it go mate? 

[Chindie]

4 hours ago, NurembergVillan said:

People who are nuts never say "I wish I wasn't nuts" but they don't know they're nuts.

Yeah, I really need to stop using that as shorthand. 

I wish I wasn't mentally ill.

[Chindie]

54 minutes ago, kurtsimonw said:

How did it go mate? 

I'll chuck something into the jobs thread.

[A'Villan]

On 08/10/2019 at 14:08, KentVillan said:

I have to say one of the most destructive things about recent narratives around mental health has been the way it revolves around the "emotional display" - talking to people, confessing your feelings to people, embracing your illness, etc.

The problem is that a lot of men are not big talkers or emotion sharers. And this is not because we are "ill" but because that is our personality.

So when "touchy-feely" people step in to help us, they just alienate us and make us feel emotionally stunted and socially inadequate.

The best book I have read on mental health is Jason Fox's Battle Scars: A Story of War and All That Follows. Not because I fancy myself as having the same mindset and traumatic experiences as a special forces soldier, but because he has a personality type that feels closer to who I am as a person.

There is never a one-size-fits-all approach to mental health. If you aren't clicking with a mental health treatment or strategy, don't be afraid to ask for a second or third opinion. The number one most important thing with mental health is to always believe that the improvement exists somewhere - you just maybe haven't found it yet. That belief (a correct belief) will carry you through anything.

I really enjoy reading your posts, they usually challenge my thinking and offer an interesting perspective to consider.

Firstly, I want to point out that the 2nd half of your message is very important, developing and expanding the dialogue will only increase the potential for understanding.

Whether or not the dialogue takes a path that is helpful  or not is never guaranteed and that's why it's important to develop your own sense of what is required.

I'm not sure I am in total agreement with some of what you've said here though, possibly because I have misconstrued your message, or maybe I lack the understanding.

The idea that it is somehow destructive and foreign to communicate what is going on for you is part of the reason 84 men commit suicide in the UK every week.

It's taboo for men to open up. Sure, some men are quite stoic in personality and character, and that's a great thing, but only as long as it serves them and others to be so.

All men have feelings. They differ from person-to-person and are unique to the individual, but everyone has them. What is destructive is divorce from acknowledging them.

Feeling emotionally stunted and socially inadequate is essentially a fear, which is an emotion. To be fearful of something means there's an associated risk of harm involved.

You say touchy-feely people stepping in to attempt to help only alienates the person suffering, and I can see where you are coming from, but that is a perception, and that only.

A dialogue where we can identify things with feedback creates an opportunity to identify problems and strategise ways and means to overcoming them.

Does that entail conversations that will highlight the issues that we are experiencing? Absolutely. Will it heighten and stir emotions that we'd rather not experience? Yes.

It's all about communication and relationships, and I don't necessarily mean talking or speaking, just that we are forever engaged in someway to our environment and surroundings.

Learning to talk about emotions and developing social interraction is a life skill that can be developed. It's not necessarily just an innate personality trait.

It's like a martial artist refining his physical skill and coordination in accordance with what he will face in combat. It involves learning and application to become efficient.

 

 

[kurtsimonw]

So I mentioned previously I'm best man for a wedding just after Christmas... I also said I don't know why he asked me to be best man, and it's becoming more apparent that I really shouldn't be. When he said, I was very flattered and it was a time where our friendships seemed to be growing, but even then we hadn't known each other for very long.

But it's been 18 months of just feeling let down and essentially disrespected and unappreciated if I'm honest. I've seen him outside of work about 12 times in that period. Might seem like a reasonable amount, But all but 2 of those occasions were at the gym. At Silverstone he spent almost the entire 3 days on his phone, unresponsive to any kind of conversation. Even with the gym, I'd been with a local one as I'm not a driver. He wanted to go to one closer to him but said he'd pick me up as he wanted someone to go with. Fine. After about 6 weeks of going, he kept making excuses, which meant I was left tied in to a contract of a gym I couldn't get to. After my break up, if I tried to talk to him, after about 30 seconds he'd pick his phone up, message away and just not look up, not even listen. Last week he signed up to the gym I now go to, asked if I'd go Tuesday/Thursday night with him as they were the only nights he could do. They're a bit more awkward for me, but I thought why not. He bailed both nights. This Sunday we were going in to Birmingham after work. At half 12 (we were going at 1), he said he needed to pop home first but shouldn't be long - needed to move a bed and wardrobe or something, and that I can get the train and he'll meet me there, then he'll drop me back home. If he drives, I pay for parking because I don't like the idea people are paying out for something (petrol) and me freeloading off that. So I buy a single ticket, nearly £6.00. I meet the other lad who was meeting us there. We message him at about half 2 to see if he's on his way. Nothing. An hour later, still nothing. He doesn't show up at all, nor does he apologise or say he won't be able to make it. I then have to buy another single home, much higher than the cost of a return. Sure, it might only have cost me a £5 more, but it's more the principle and the complete lack of thought to someone else, especially when he knows I do struggle a bit financially. He wanted a dominos the other week and pushed me in to that, I do struggle to say no sometimes, but I paid for it and he hadn't paid me back. So I messaged him yesterday to see if he'd paid (knowing he hadn't) and he came up with some excuse and sent it. No mention of Sunday and why he didn't show.

He's still yet to really introduce me to anyone. I've met his wife to be a half dozen times when she's come in to work, that's it. Imagine trying to organise a stag do, it's been a nightmare.

I'm really **** fed up with everything. This is supposedly my best mate, my only really friend. All the while these sorts of things get defended by others with "This happens, things come up" and similar shit. That I'm taking things too personally. Being told I am liked, that loads of people at work consider me a friend, when every single action shows otherwise.

I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I would just not be best man, but then I'll be the one who looks like the bad guy. Even beyond that, I really feel like my life is shit. I work 10 hours a day if I can get in, if I don't it's just 24 hours on my own. Every time I start to get that little glimmer of hope, it disappears when I get crushed by something else. I really, really don't know what to do from here.

[mottaloo]

It might sound harsh but sack him off. Tell him you don't think being his best man is for you and when he gives you "wtf dude ?!?!" then point out what you've told us here. Do it for yourself; be a bit selfish and think of YOU. It's clear that it's stressing you out for what should be a happy time and that simply ain't right. 

Surprise yourself and tell him. He doesn't sound like a good mate at all and if you (at least) threaten to quit the role and tell him he's been an unreliable and ignorant clearing in the woods then he might actually buck his ideas up.

Yeah, i know it's a risk but mate......you are in need of putting yourself first. I once saw a sticker on the back of a poor old disabled bloke's wheelchair which said "it's ok to love yourself a little more". Those words have stuck with me and ring so true. 

[rjw63]

1 hour ago, mottaloo said:

It might sound harsh but sack him off. Tell him you don't think being his best man is for you and when he gives you "wtf dude ?!?!" then point out what you've told us here. Do it for yourself; be a bit selfish and think of YOU. It's clear that it's stressing you out for what should be a happy time and that simply ain't right. 

Surprise yourself and tell him. He doesn't sound like a good mate at all and if you (at least) threaten to quit the role and tell him he's been an unreliable and ignorant clearing in the woods then he might actually buck his ideas up.

Yeah, i know it's a risk but mate......you are in need of putting yourself first. I once saw a sticker on the back of a poor old disabled bloke's wheelchair which said "it's ok to love yourself a little more". Those words have stuck with me and ring so true. 

Agree with all this, especially highlighted bit.

He actually sounds a proper word removed.