Rolta

No player was magically playing through 11 players. He didn't do great but neither did anyone.

Her actions stun me to this day. Mainly the brutal about turn. I'm left dumbfounded multiple times a day. This is why something else going on in her head, drawn from her upbringing or whatever, seems the only thing that makes sense. It's like the person I knew had a mind swap with someone else. This was interesting to read Vancvillan. You can be my inspiration! (Also that's terrible that your ex got with your friend).

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm one interview down one more to go today, so things are moving on one way or another.

Thanks Kent! I waggled my olive branch at her (ah this explains everything) quite a lot over the first few months, but I've taken a step back now. Let's see what happens. It's extra odd as I'm interviewing for jobs in different countries—Spain and UK as I said above—so I guess whatever will be will have to be. I don't have a clue about her plans.

Thanks. It's been three months now. We did talk a bit a month in, but I made it happen as she was being really demanding about me sending her money and various other things. I said, 'I don't even know why we broke up, and you're walking all over me here. We should talk about this like adults'. So she relented—previously she'd been saying things like 'I'm not in the right mental headspace to talk about this'. I think I mentioned it in another thread, but when we talked on Zoom she didn't have anything to add other than she vaguely said she didn't want to be in a relationship. It didn't really explain the ghosting/stonewalling, or how she could about turn on an 8 year relationship so quickly, but I was being compassionate at that stage so didn't mention the ghosting/stonewalling at all, nor how confusing that is for someone to process—especially when a week before our row she was proclaiming how much she believed in us and was telling me she loved me. She also said she loved me too in an email exchange a few days later (mostly the emails are about the flat. They're not very open from her side). Anyway, she's stubborn as hell and her defences were clearly way up when we spoke. I've seen that side to her appear from time to time over the years. I feel she's not the sort of person who backs down when she's made this kind of decision, so I'm not holding my breath. There's no real communication now. She hasn't seen her dad in 20 years as I mentioned. We had some great times, but yeah what can I do but focus on myself!

Yes indeed! I'm finding Villa being actually good now a massive help. Ironically when we moved to Madrid it was the year we were relegated, so I like the Villa poetic bookending. Technically I think that means we're going to win the league. And every time Emi is a hero, I just think how much my ex is a bit of a dick!

Thanks Bobzy. Yeah it's just been too bizarre. The person I went out with for 8 years didn't seem capable of stonewalling/ghosting. I'm not sure if Follyfoot is aiming his comments about sensitive men at me, but that kind of thing is so wide of the mark if so. Anyway, she did it, and I'm still processing it. It's more difficult because we lived together in Spain. Our whole lives were over here (and we came over together), but we were also planning on leaving together this January and changing careers. After she disappeared, I quit work because I started a course. But then the course wasn't right and I left (good decision)—things have definitely felt a bit limbo-y. The pillars of relationship, job, and city all fell apart in an instant. This has taken some getting my head around. I have interviews for three different jobs ongoing, some in Spain, some in the UK which is positive in its own way.

She's 36. I hate saying this next bit, and I understand how it comes across. But I don't think it helped that it was an argumentative 'time'. (I say this having been with her for 8 years, and I know I know I shouldn't say it but I also know there were often times in similar parts of the cycle where it seemed like she wanted to have an argument). But I mean, that doesn't explain the stonewalling/ghosting/disappearance. It was a perfect storm of things coming together to make such a shitty situation happen though.

Thanks Stefan. Yeah it's been such a headfuck. What you say feels true, but it's been so out of character for her for 99% of our time together. She usually seemed pretty relaxed and easy going, but it's also probably true that she suppressed near enough everything. She had a negativity that came out of her sometimes too. She did flip out on me about a year and a half ago when I was cooking and we were having a chilled out night together in the middle of a very chilled out holiday month (housesitting in a mansion surrounded by some amazing countryside). She started insulting me from nowhere (first about putting the recycling in the wrong place), stopped letting me speak for five minutes while doing these insults so I just couldn't defend myself. I was so shocked/surprised. It went on for about ten minutes in total, me trying to rationalise and talk to her, but she just kept on jabbing. And then I said (a bit loudly—like middle loudly) 'Let me speak!' and smacked the table in frustration (erm it was very frustrating being insulted from nowhere and mainly not being able to speak). I did leave the room then, and was pretty obviously angry. She the next day told me I needed counselling and that I had anger issues. I just couldn't believe it that she spun it on me. I think I just wanted to move on and be happy so I didn't call her out. As I say it was a weird outburst from her, so I just put it down to 'one of those things'—nothing typical of her or who she was. A weird blip. We were happy from then on, properly good times, all the way to Emi-gate. I can't remember every detail I said above, but we had a pretty great relationship for 8 years with some very very occasional hints that she had something else going on. We were talking quite a lot about her dad in the last week we were together (I think I mentioned that her dad had seemed a bit manipulative and generally very unloving in her childhood and she hasn't seen him for 20 years and never usually talks about him—her sister tells peeps her dad is dead). I was wondering if we'd stirred up some of that stuff.

Yeah no way. It would probably have been impossible the way we were living. I feel this is more a likely trigger. Not only is there the stuff she was sharing on Instagram, I also ran into one of her friends from her book group who told me that she and a few others were getting a bit man-hatey and militant. They're all feminists, but the friend said she thought things were getting out of hand. So I feel it's a combination of us arguing about a topic she was very invested in due to its feminist angle (obvs she didn't argue with me well and just insulted and stopped me speaking) and me rejecting her in that moment, leaving the room to sleep elsewhere in a time of stress (jobwise—anyway, she suppressed her emotions, so who knows how much she was stressed about) and something in her seemed to flip. When I left, and I said 'I wish you hadn't come back' it felt so raw and cutting. I think it hurt her deeply. But we do all say stupid shit in arguments, and the fallout was not justified. Thanks Rigo. I see the sense in this. So often I'm aligned to that, but there's plenty of the other more nostalgic side too. Especially at Christmas, gah. The power play thing—after hearing her accuse me of a power play the morning after it did just seem like projection. She basically took everything she unfairly accused me of and did it to me. I feel gaslit. Jesus—it's so sad though. We were well and truly entwined up to that point. We'd had some beautiful times (I know that's always the story).

Long post above. Thanks for the replies everyone. It's been three months now. I've reached out to her a few times, but nothing's really happening. I keep mentioning dismissive avoidant attachment theory. Obviously this is the way I am making sense of it right now. The way it's written about online is that when people with that kind of background of childhood neglect detach they can really put their guard up for months on end and any kind of reaching out I do will only make things worse. She shows every sign of being dismissive avoidant—she has always been weirdly closed about her emotions, and reacted weirdly when I tried to talk to her about things that were bothering me (in life, not about her). We also got along amazingly and were so close and well-aligned at the same time. We're both pretty independent and not needy. If I ever went to her with something that was bothering me (again not about her), she'd always be very logical about it, which is apparently a sign. I'd be expecting a bit of sympathy, but she'd react with something like, 'What are you going to do about it? What steps are you going to take?'. She definitely had self-esteem issues, but put on a good show of being strong. Maybe we all do that though. You would never know if she's upset about anything until a few months later when she'd crack. She trusted me and was open with me, but as I say, I feel as if the mix of emotions and my reaction to leave her and go sleep elsewhere in the parents' house in an emotional time landed really badly. I apologised a thousand times. Even then, it's difficult to describe how frustrated I felt with the way she was responding to me before I left. I know I needed some space. Obviously I'd not leave if I had the chance again. It was such a destructive few hours. I'm still in our flat in Madrid and there have been some really tough moments of missing her. There was none of this kind of thing for 8 years, and we were definitely happy. I am so sure of it, and yeah it blew up out of control—but even then the argument was shitty, but it was just an argument. I barely go a week without hearing about another couple doing the same or worse. I'm still open to her, but there's not much I feel I can do. It's been so much to get my head around. EDIT: Honestly, writing all this is just bringing back so many memories. I've highlighted the fall, but the good times were near constant. We were real partners in life.

She was never one to really talk about things on her mind (this is partly why I wonder if she's dismissive avoidant due to childhood trauma), but the only thing she ever listened to were feminism podcasts. As I say, I'd be accused of being as woke as anyone, and consider myself a feminist, but she'd had a few moments where she really got militant when there was a macho sexist incident like with Rubiales. I appreciate these incidents can be quite affecting, and like talking about it. Since the breakup my friend told me she was posting stuff from an influencer called The Slumflower, who comes across at times like the feminist version of Andrew Tate, maybe crossed with a little Ayn Rand too. There's a big emphasis on men being problems and taking them for everything you can. I definitely wish I hadn't brought up the conversation. In an hour we went from having a chat about food with the parents, to obliterating the relationship. I obviously wondered all this myself, but I am so sure we were in a good place in every respect other than she did break down in tears back in June about her not knowing what she was doing career-wise. Having come over together to teach in Spain we were in a transition point no matter what, and there was some stress. We seemed to be facing up to it together. We talked on Zoom a month after the breakup, but it was so weird, and I didn't bring up the ghosting at all. I was trying to just be positive and to be relaxed and not make her defensive. I don't know why I did that (ok I watched a stupid 'get your ex back' video on YouTube), but it just made it a really one sided conversation, but even then she had no explanation why we broke up. She had nothing. The day she blocked me on whatsapp we had a conversation that went like this... I hadn't heard from her for a week, except for one message on the day of the wedding saying she just needed some space, another on the Monday saying she just needed a break and that everything was going to be OK, and two days later her being pissy with me about paying her the rent money, where she said 'I won't be paying rent in October, so you need to decide if you want to hand in your notice'. It was so indirect. I gave her some space, then two days later she dropped out of the whatsapp groups and then nothing else. Finally on the Sunday I got a response. I was like 'I don't have a clarity about what's going on.' She said, 'I have clarity.' (EDIT: She also said I was disturbing her peace—she is for the record not usually an absolute arsehole). I said, 'Do you want to share it with me?' She said, 'No I don't have to explain myself to anyone.' I said I didn't even know if we'd broken up (obviously the signs weren't good, but we hadn't actually talked about it like adults to, which I was obviously expecting). She said that she had made her decision and that we'd broken up. I was like, 'I respect your decision, but should we not talk about this considering we've been together for 8 years, and we've been so close.' She said, 'I don't want to do that. My wants, my needs 100% of the time.' I apologised for upsetting her (again, let me say that in the argument I went to her because she upset me, tried to talk to her, then she insulted me/stopped letting me speak), and said I was sad about how she said me leaving the room was the kind of thing her dad would do to her mum (I think I mentioned that she hadn't seen her dad in 20 years), and she wrote 'I am being emotionally manipulated and that is not OK and I am removing myself from this conversation.' And she blocked me on whatsapp. I was so lost, totally in shock. Now, you might be thinking I've left some details out here, but to maybe show that I haven't in a couple of emails about our flat situation and just sorting all that out, she told me that she loved me still. She also told all her friends that I was still her best friend. She also, apparently, before we left in the summer, was monologuing about how romantic our story was, how we met in the UK, then went to Spain together. The idea is in my head that she was really stressed generally speaking, that me leaving the room in a mood was just another example of someone abandoning her, and it triggered a lot of barely suppressed childhood issues that has made her put her defences up. She's done it before, but never like this. I think she was maybe in a vulnerable place and the argument was just the straw that proved too much. EDIT: In the aftermath, I did mention I was open to a kid/marriage. She'd always been a little negative about having children, but at the same time also said she was just scared and that she was open to it. She had told one of her friends, again back in June, that she could see us having a kid. I'm not sure that talking about that duo in that emotional moment was the right move tbh, but then at that stage I was just trying to find a good honest place for us to talk from, but she never responded. Thanks for your whole post there. You're not the only one to have said this.

A lot of people post Emi Martinez stories, and I have one too. I’ve decided to put it in here though for obvious reasons. I used to post quite a lot on Villatalk and but it's been an odd few months as you’ll see. Basically on the eve of my brother's wedding day, when I was having a meal with my girlfriend, mum and step dad at their house (where we were staying for the wedding, and where we used to stay a lot—we both lived in Spain, so we when we went to the UK we spent months with my mum and step-dad and were all very close), we got into a discussion about Rubiales. I think Rubiales is pretty much the definition of toxic masculinity, and I was saying so. Having taught in Spain for so long I've seen a lot of people with backwards attitudes towards women, race, class and so on, and toxic elements of Spanish culture is something that interests me. His behaviour during and after the world cup wasn’t surprising—so far so good. Well, my step dad brought up Emi's golden glove gesture at the men's world cup, and he and my girlfriend jumped on it as an example of even more toxic masculinity. I was like, 'Meh, I think it was cringeworthy and embarrassing and a stupid thing to do in the greatest moment of his career—but it doesn't feel like the same thing.' I said it wasn't a great look, but I started defending Emi as a character as he seems so humble and nice in real life. Things escalated when my girlfriend started riffing on all mens sport being toxic. To be fair, there'd been a bit of wine and some high spirits. I am a feminist, but my (then) girlfriend of eight years really runs with this in a way that to me comes across as unnecessarily extreme. She started basically saying that all mens sport was toxic—including at amateur level. Some mens sport is definitely toxic, but the sweeping statements grate my brain. That’s how I remember it anyway. I felt as if it included basically all men who play sports, including team and people I play with in Spain. As I say, I'm a very open-minded person, and I have never fallen into any of the 'not all men' (well rarely—only when the narrative I hear is so brutally over-generalising) counter discussion. Some people would call me as 'woke' as they come. She got a bit pissy with me about it. The meal ended, and she walked off to have a shower. I felt annoyed that she’d been pissy with me. When she came out of the shower we were up in the bedroom and I tried to address with her calmly that she didn’t need to get pissy with me. I began defending Emi, but this sparked an escalating twenty minute argument. We weren’t rowy people at all, but she had this ability in her to snap and really jab below the belt. She started mocking the way I was saying her name, laughing—the worst bit, fifteen minutes later came when she stopped letting me speak. Suddenly she came up to me and said, 'Look I love you let's stop.' But by then I'd had enough and went to sleep in another room. In the morning she was more furious than I have ever seen a human. Because I left to sleep in another room in my Mum/step dad’s house. She seethed at me, saying that me sleeping elsewhere was manipulative and abusive like her dad used to do to her mum. She said it was a power play. I said I just needed space—I had come in to make peace with her and to go have a good day together. She seemed to project a lot of stuff onto me, then completely dissociate before my eyes. She started packing her bags. It was so horrible to see. I regret and regretted upsetting her like that. It's the worst moment of my life, and one that just seems so foolish and pointless now—I'm so sorry that we got into that row and I hate my part in it. After eight years, she ended it there and then, didn't come to the wedding and cut contact—stonewalled me, dropped out of every whatsapp group. We'd been having the best year of our lives together. We were talking about the future. I was thinking of marriage/a kid—we were on course to talk about it. We’d been away from each other for a week, but before that seemed completely loved up. I actually couldn’t believe how in sync we were and how much we were growing ‘more’ a couple even after all these years. One of the last things she said to me pre-row was, ‘I believe in us so much. And I think that’s special.’ She had a shitty childhood. I’ve interpreted her as having ‘dismissive avoidant attachment’—it’s the only way I can get my head round it. Anyway, I didn’t really die on this hill specifically, but I started walking up the hill defending Emi as a human. It’s a frikking tragedy though.

He only battled against us in the Championship.

As always to the financial benefit of a massive private company I believe (Serco).

For some reason I'm watching Mansfield Town Vs Port Vale on TV and Bowery, interestingly, was just listed as playing for Mansfield as a right back, also while wearing number 9.

Yeah I'm ready to move. I have a blue sky code, but it just didn't seem very intuitive. Twitter and tweets was such a great bit of branding too, nothing else has the same feel. Definitely not **** 'X'.

It's hard to find an alternative for what Twitter does though. I'm sure we'd all move over if there was a decent alternative, but there isn't really. For the record, I hate Musk, and think he's an idiot.

Some of the passes he makes, and the intensity he nails them are absolutely **** insane (sure he does make some good saves though). I don't know why I'm replying to you particularly here!

We had the right choice—the gaslamp one. It was obvious from the start!

It's not a drug. It's crossing into another dimension. Unfortunately the only time I took it I was smashed, and I don't remember what the aliens said. I only remember saying, 'It's true. It's all true.' No idea what that was in fact—what was true—and I and the people I was with were all so temporarily space travelly that we broke the pipe and couldn't take any more to go back and find out. Good stuff. Would do it again. It only lasts fifteen minutes, but they're the most unexpected fifteen minutes you can imagine.

It is our shirt! EDIT: Ok I wasn't the first one to say this.

He's still one of my favourite players! He was one of the standouts in that second Bruce season. He came from nowhere and was good to watch, and at a time when we were desperate for some presence up front he made a real difference at a really young age. Respect to you Keinan.

He called Emery the week before it happened while we and all the rumours were thinking it was going to be the Portugese guy. He definitely knows things as far as I can tell. I don't get why people are so obsessed with being right about ITKs being bs.

You'd think there's no way the deal we made was 'OK we'll buy him for you for £20 million and if we sell him for £20 million you get £10 million of it.' That wouldn't make any sense. I imagine this situation where the sell on clause only refers to profit is common. Normally it's applied to people on the up where profit would be more expected—like Exeter getting a cut of Brentford's Watkins to Villa fee, which was a huge profit.