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Hercs

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  1. DISCLAIMER: A few people miss the disclaimer that I don't actually have to write now (I don't think I'm above the law, I just don't write for an oppressive group of overlords anymore .... And I'm above the law) so here is a disclaimer ... The following article is wholly inaccurate, like Heskey when he first came to Villa, remember that? Before he became the mighty, goal-grabbing behemoth he is now they used to say he couldn't hit a cow's backside with a banjo, which I always thought was a testament to his common sense and honour I mean with so many Premier League stars out there injuring cows and destroying perfectly good stringed instruments it takes a real man to stand up and say "No. I will not!" anyway, I digress.... *We join the lads celebrating their win over West Ham* A.Young: Yeah!! Gabby you're the man! Gabby: .... Thanks ... I did just score for Villa right? A.Young: Yeah ... Of course ...Wait .... you're soaked through .... Where were you all match? Gabby: Don't ask Ash.... Long story. *Gabby sits and relives a flashback of his Saturday running from Claret and Blue city to city scoring then realising it's not Villa to the theme tune of "The Littlest Hobo"* Gabby: #....That's Hobo style# .... Man, it's a long run and swim from Drogheda.... A.Young: What was that Gabby? Gabby: Nothing man, nothing. Heskey: Wow Darren, me and you were great huh? I mean I didn't score like I always do but you know I as good as assisted yours didn't I? With probably the best tackle that's ever been made ... and by a great striker no less .... Darren? Darren? Are you listening? *Bent is sitting in a zen like silence* NRC: He doesn't talk anymore man, he's just conserving his energy. Heskey: Conserving his ... What for? NRC: Scoring goals, it's all he does now. *Ian Taylor and Dion Dublin enter wearing Claret & Blue jump suits, wrap Bent in bubble wrap, pack him into a crate and carry it off as Houllier enters tapping the top of it in passing* Houllier: Victory is ours again! *The lads all cheer* Houllier: Ashley, you play so well on zat wing, you are like a winger not like a second striker, you know a man 'ho "plays in ze 'ole" like you said you were when I arrived. *The lads all look at Young with suspicion* A.Young: What? I can play behind the striker. NRC: Yeah and I'm a right back! *the dressing room erupts with laughter, Houllier jots on his notepad "little shouty man with number 20, Right Back".*
  2. *We join Gabby preparing to play West Ham, he's becoming increasingly excited* Gabby: I can't believe it, can you believe it guys!? I mean we've finally signed Robbie Keane after chasing him for like 300 years! *Gabby hugs Keane tightly* Keane: um ... Gabriel I can't breathe dere and... Gabby: I mean Carlton, it's great right? Cole: Gabby, I think you're a little confused you're... Gabby: Yeah, I am a bit, I mean, your head, it's steaming ... What's with that? Cole: It just does that sometimes I don't know, but anyway that's not what I... Gabby: Hitz! We've not played together for ages, you been on holiday? Hitzlsperger: Gabriel, I left 6 years ago.... Gabby: Wow, cruise was it? Hitzlesperger: What? No, I'm a hammer now. Gabby: Yeah "Der Hammer" Hitzlesperger: No I mean with West Ham! *Hitz points to his badge, Gabby looks then takes in all of the other player's badges.* Gabby: Crap! *Meanwhile in the Villa dressing room, Albrighton and Clark are hiding in a locker.* A.Young: Marc? What's up. *Albrighton sticks his head out of the locker* Albrighton: Fabian said that our dressing room's haunted! A.Young: Haunted? By what? Clark (from within the locker): The ghost of ... Keiron Dyer! A.Young: Ghost? Keiron Dyer's alive! I can hear him, listen... *The agonised wailing and moaning of Keiron Dyer can be heard in the hall* Albrighton: Yeah you can hear his ghost, Fabian says he died of fright when he heard he might have to play Fabian and Jean II. *Young laughs* A.Young: Look we'll settle this right now, Keiron! Hey Keiron come in here a minute! *Dyer enters, Albrighton cringes back into the locker* Dyer: Whoaaaaaaaa! Yeaaaaargghhh! Uurrrrrrgggghhh!!! Young: Um.... Keiron can you stop that a minute? Dyer: Oh, yeah, sorry Ash, force of habit. What's up? Young: Some of the kids here think you're dead so I just want to reassure them you're not. Dyer: I am dead. Young: What!? Clark (muffled): See! Dyer: Not to worry though physio reckons I should make a return in three to four weeks, I've had worse. I'm definitely going to avoid injury when I come back this time though. Young: O....K. *Meanwhile Elsewhere.....* Gabby: So James, what have you been using that regaine stuff? .... and just for men? I prefered you red-headed to be honest, made you look more fierce.... Collins: My name's Michael, Gabriel. Anyway what brings you to Glanford Park? I mean of course you're welcome in Scunthorpe but aren't you supposed to be playing West Ham with Villa today? Gabby: ....Crap!
  3. *We join the lads celebrating their victory over Newcastle* Gabby: Oh yeah! Finally I can clean my sheets. A.Young: You mean we got a "clean sheet" Gabby, right? Gabby: Yeah .... Well both. you know you can only clean your sheets when we get a clean sheet. A.Young: That's not ....Wait .... You haven't cleaned your bed sheets since the last time we didn't concede? Gabby: Yeah, look... *Gabby opens his laundry bag, wolves howl in the distance, the plants in the room die and Ashley promptly covers his nose with his sleeve* A.Young: Burn it Gabby! Burn it! *Makoun falls to his knees* Makoun: My eyes zey are bleeding! *Houllier enters, chest puffed like a peacock* Houllier: Ah ze sweet smell of victory. *Houllier inhales strongly and chokes on the stench* Houllier: Zut Alors! Gabriel! Dispose of zat unholy foulness at once it is stinking up ze dressing room! *Gabby grabs Petrov and drags him to the door* Houllier: I mean ze bag Gabriel! Ze bag! *Gabby unhands Petrov and slings out the sheets* Houllier: .... and maybe Stilyan. *the dressing room erupts with laughter, Petrov is not amused* Houllier: I am ze kidder of course Stilyan, you weren't even zat bad zis match. I say one thing zough, it is like you guys are trying to give me an 'eart attack with your "slender leads" and "sitting back on ze one goal"! *the lads look at each other, some laugh sheepishliy, there is faint whispering outside the room* Collins: He's still alive! Dunne: I've got a brilliant idea! *the door bursts open a "ghost" leaps into the room* Ghost: BOO dere! *Houllier jumps back with fright clucthing his chest.... Then his nose.* A.Young: Richard? .... Where did you get that sheet? Ghost: Richard? Who is Richard I'm a scary ghost so I am and ...! *the "ghost" collapses in a heap* Houllier: Mon Dieu! Burn zose sheets! Makoun: But Boss .... Richar'... 'e is still in zem. Houllier: You 'eard what I said Jean II.
  4. So .... Despite knowing you find these kind of posts boring you read this one anyway or did you not bother and just opted to call this and any post like it boring?
  5. *We join the lads gearing up for their match against Newcastle* Houllier: OK gentlemen, now if we can just score MORE goals than zem zis time it will be preferable. Osbourne: Yeah! Lets go out there and preferable these guys! Oh yeah! Wooooo! Houllier: Isaiah!? What are you doing 'ere!? Osbourne: I've come back to save you, because I so love the Villa. A.Young: Isaiah .... Are you dressed as Jesus? Osbourne: Who?.... Never heard of the bloke. A.Young: Jesus! You know with your white robe and crown of thorns Osbourne: All the kids are wearing these nowadays brother Ashley. *Young rolls his eyes* Houllier: Save us all!? We'll see about zat! *Houllier reaches for his phone* Houllier: 'Ello? Sheffield Wednesday? Gerard 'Oullier 'ere ..... Stop your laughing, I am calling to return Isaiah .... Your laughing, it has increased in volume, I asked you to stop ze laughing... *Houllier returns his phone to his pocket whilst muttering under his breath in french* Houllier: Now you ma defenders I cannot see ze problem, why can you not keep ze sheets clean zis season? *the lads all turn to Dunne and Collins, who are surrounded by half empty pint glasses and crushed cans.* Houllier: I mean James, you were sturdy, dependable ... Wait .... are you drunk!? Collins: Drunk!? How very dare you sire!.... (hic) Houllier: Oui! Drunk! Your eyes are zey are as red as the 'ead that you're wearing a tie around! Collins: Maybe I like wearing ties with my footie kit! (hic) Did you think of that you .... (hic) .... You coat monster!? Houllier: James I am over 'ere you are arguing with ze coat stand! And Richard .... Is zat a traffic cone you are 'ugging!? Dunne: I love cone.(hic) Houllier: Mon Dieu! Isaiah!? Isaiah: Yes boss, want me in a make-shift defence!? Finally Osbourne has his day... Houllier: You can "make-shift" two black coffees and bring a bucket to 'old! *the dressing erupts with laughter, Osbourne hangs his head and skulks to the kitchen*
  6. Hi everyone, I from time to time write the following type of article before and/ or after matches, I know they're not everyone's cup of tea so if you don't like it can I suggest adding another teaspoon of sugar or a bit more milk on your keyboard? *We join the lads preparing for their clash against Wolves* Houllier: Now gentlemen, I realise zese derbies zey can become 'eated affairs so I need you all to remain calm .... Esepecially you Jean II. Makoun: CALM!? CALM!? I AM ALWAYS CALM BOSS!! Houllier: Jean II, zere is no need to yell, I was just... Makoun: YELL!? 'HO IS YELLING!? I AM NOT YELLING! ..... YELLING!! GRR! Albrighton: Boss...There's crazy in his eyes, I'm scared. Houllier: Yes I see zat Marc. Jean II, what is ze matter? Wait..... Is zat ... Tiger blood!? Makoun: YES!.... IMPORTED FROM CAMEROOOOOOOOOON! A.Young: But ..... They don't even have tigers in Cameroon.... Makoun: NOT ANYMORE ZEY DO NOT!!!! *Makoun gestures to a large pile of empty glass bottles all labelled "Tiger Blood" and a machete, the lads all gasp. Delph enters* Delph: ALRIGHT LADS!! READY FOR THE MATCH!? WOLVES! KARL HENRY! IT'S GONNA BE GRRRRRRRRREEAAT!! Houllier: Fabian! 'Ave you been drinking ze tiger blood!? Delph: NO!? ROOOOOOWR! Houllier: But you seem itching for ze violence .... and ze children's Tigger suit you are wearing.... A.Young: That's the same as every week boss. Houllier: Ah Oui. So it is. *Meanwhile Gabby is talking to Friedel and Bradley* Gabby: So yeah, I've been meaning to ask you guys.... Your President, how does he get around if he's scared of planes? I mean do Murdoch and Face have to drug or trick him everytime he's got to fly somewhere or what? *Friedel and Bradley look at each other in confusion*
  7. People without children who park in parent parking spaces or worse people who do it when their kids are over 16. I was in a car park yesterday and gave a nasty look to a lone woman who did this from my car, with retrospect she looked back like she thought I may bundle her into the back of my car and leave her in a ditch somewhere after having performed some bizarre M.O like sticking my pants on her head .... which in fairness would have been an adequate punishment.
  8. That's another thing that pisses me off, crap professional goalkeepers, mainly every woman that's every put on gloves and African Cup of Nations
  9. Plus if you go to the Paralympics and boo everyone they throw you out! Who do they think they are?!
  10. What pisses me off is that basically an average bloke can lose a few toes in a tragic encounter with an angry weasel then claim the respect of an Olympic athlete, it's about being the fastest or strongest in the world if you have to set up a separate competition then you are not. Plus where are the parachutes?!
  11. The Paralympics pisses me off, it shouldn't but it does.
  12. MON would have had 8 players standing on the line holding the other two players above their heads horizontal with Friedel in front of them Houllier and his bag of lies, French lies, the worst lies of them all!
  13. But the organisation doesn't matter when you're playing a defence like we did Nathan Baker looks like he's been thrown a hand grenade when the ball comes to him, Luke Young is 3ft tall (though he did have an excellent match), Clark needs experience and Walker is more concerned with creating goals than defending them (no bad thing - when you have a decent defence).
  14. Judging by his recent one-on-ones Bent'll demand to take the penalty then run up and pass it into Young's hands US
  15. zonal marking is performed by the whole team though not just the defence, what can't be defended though are his post match comments which I agree were poor, I'd go so far to say that his media handling since he's been here has built a wall between him and the fans. It really doesn't matter how much or how it is drilled to the players we had a makeshift, inexperienced defence against a Bolton team who are sizable and prolific at set pieces.
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