CrackpotForeigner Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 This thread is a mighty weapon that, in the right hands, has the potential to spare countless thousands of VT users from making costly mistakes. For my example to kick things off: The latest air crash (tragic though it is) has finally taught me that watching more than five minutes of a news channel is a waste of time after a plane has gone down. You can learn all the facts in five minutes, and the remaining 23 hours, 55 minutes of every 24 is for those who like buckets of journalistic pathos. Make note of this fact and you will have more time to have sex, tidy your shed (if you have one), or simply to watch something else on the telebox. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post rjw63 Posted March 25, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 25, 2015 If you don't want to get your missus preggers and you have an allergy to rubber, DHUTWU 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 If you go away on a football trip, try to give your wife an accurate return time. Don't tell her you'll be back on Thursday, and then get back on Saturday. Turns out they don't like that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponky Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) If you see something that looks like a turd on the bottom of a swimming pool, don't poke at it with your toe. It almost certainly is a turd. Edited March 25, 2015 by Ponky 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Folski Posted March 25, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) If you flush twice and it doesn't go down don't panic by picking it up & throwing it in the sink. Edited March 25, 2015 by Folski 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 If you like making fires, but don't have anything to burn - why not try your neighbours car? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avfc96 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 If you flush twice and it doesn't go down don't panic by picking it up & throwing it in the sink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 one I learnt recently was if a cocktail has the byline " One is enough" don't be clever and have 3 of them * ....i'm 45 and really should have grown out of having to be carried back to the hotel , on the plus side i can tick off puking over a national landmark in Kiev off my to do list same trip I also learnt that just becuase a bottle of wine has an amusing name "Bastardo" doens't mean you should buy a bottle and drink it ... * tbf the 3 would probably have been ok , without the other 27 I had with them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 When trapped in a confined space with a member of the opposite sex, you not are required to repopulate the earth. Additionally, suggesting as much makes you look bad. Even more so if you've only been stuck for about 15 seconds. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maqroll Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) This thread is a mighty weapon that, in the right hands, has the potential to spare countless thousands of VT users from making costly mistakes. For my example to kick things off: The latest air crash (tragic though it is) has finally taught me that watching more than five minutes of a news channel is a waste of time after a plane has gone down. You can learn all the facts in five minutes, and the remaining 23 hours, 55 minutes of every 24 is for those who like buckets of journalistic pathos. Make note of this fact and you will have more time to have sex, tidy your shed (if you have one), or simply to watch something else on the telebox. CNN in the States went off the deep end in covering the missing plane in Asia. Anchormen playing with model airplanes on air was the embarrassing low point, I think. CNN is almost a big a joke as FOX. Edited March 25, 2015 by maqroll Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lloydxmas Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Do not, under any circumstances, ask a woman if she's pregnant, just because you haven't seen her in a while and she's put on a bit of weight. Awkward ! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Just because you've seen a pigeon walking along the third rail, doesn't mean you should try it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maqroll Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 If you see something that looks like a turd on the bottom of a swimming pool, don't poke at it with your toe. It almost certainly is a turd. Finally found a good use for this gif 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maqroll Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 If you are on a ferris wheel with a first date and start to feel queasy, don't catch your vomit and try to shovel it all back into your mouth and swallow it, because you'll just start vomiting more. A friend of mine did that, poor kid. Never had any luck with girls, but he finally got a date and she was really attractive too. She wasn't the understanding type though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrackpotForeigner Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 CNN is almost a big a joke as FOX. Steady now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponky Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Don't pick your nose after handling hot chillies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Don't masturbate after handling hot chillies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponky Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Well that too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chrisp65 Posted March 26, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted March 26, 2015 Don't pick your nose after handling hot chillies. equally, when you get to that point where you've got a great finger nail grip on something up there and you're thinking 'this is either a major blood vessel, or the mother of all bogies if only I could get it to budge...' at that point, leave it alone, or at least pull off the road and protect your shirt 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 A few years back I was sitting at my desk at work and I could feel a huge bogey up my honker. It was tickling so I kept rubbing my nose until I thought I'd best go to the toilet to sort this out. On the way the there I had a few quick chats with people I bumped into, including two good looking gals. When I finally managed to look in the mirror, I immediately saw the bogey (which was about the size of a pea) sat proudly on the knot of my tie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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